sm2281 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I have been dating him for a year now. Its been rocky the whole time. We went into dating and it was just aweful for me. Our first real date was not for 4 months after we were exclusive. He didnt even take me into public period, until I rold him I felt like he was ashamed of my disabled son. After that he TOLD me he was going to go hang out with some chick and fix her car, after ~ get this he wouldnt help me a.) Move an old large tv. B.) Fix my car c.) Did not help me move when part of the reason was to be closer to him. I have yet to meet his friends and he is out on another 8hour day fixing his car. I have met only 3 of his family member, briefly. He leaves me alone when we are out in public, now. To be with the group. I have kids and a family, so this is not ideal. He stayed at my apartment for 4 months and didnt help with so much as a dime. Not even groceries and when I did ask, he was snippy. He is still snippy when I ask him for anything. Then, we moved in together. . . .because he tells me such wonderful things. How he wants a future, how I am the one, how everything. And he sends flowers almost every week. He is okay with the kids, but also has an hour commute. He also called me a flat liar because I said I paid all the bills, meaning all of them for this round that I could, when we got a new bill in the mail. I said "all" the bills, aand that makes me a liar. I also had a problem with his ex. When I met him he was still living in their apartment together, still had all of her pics up, and even left a date (very early on) to go be with her for her nephews recital. when things got seroius I had to tell him no more with that. He complied. His side? Im always talking a breaking up, I cant communicate properly, and I belittle him hy saying above mentioned things. And I need to get off the past because he is not "guarded" anymore. The positive: I love him. He is sweet and romantic with his words. He says he wants a future, and I want one with him. The sex is great. I love him. He has said 3 times he wants to get married. He hasnt presented a ring yet, and sometimes I feel like I love him alot, and other times I feel like maybe he is getting the point and cant be single and in a relationship. He does pay his half now that we live together, and he hasnt mentioned any business about any other women. Not even an acknowledge ment after 1 year of dating..... His mistakes are big and I am hurt by them, but I have no idea if I am making a huge mistake or not. My guts are not helping. He does compy with my requests when I adkw or have a problem. . .but what leaves me doubting is this. ....all of these thibgs are stuff that would just be assumed in a relationship. Why do I have to ask? I have alot of doubt. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 It sounds like you're 'trying to be happy' with him, when you aren't. Forget about marriage for at least another two years. Find out if the relationship really works for you before you take that step. To me, he doesn't sound like husband material. ymmv. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 He's said a lot of lovely things but what has he actually DONE? Actions speak louder than words. His actions have been pretty horrible haven't they? You've been rocky from day one yet living together already and your kids are there.... Mate it's not ideal for them either is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 He says the reason I havent yet met anyone is because people are flaky. . . But once, while we were in the car otw to breakfast he told his friend that I had a headache, which I did not. He does try to make these appointments and never follows through, or makes it absolutely ridiculous request. Like once, I was supposed to get a sitter at the drop of a dime to go to a gym class. Another time he invited me to his 'exs' bbq, then later denied that it was his ex, and it was my fault we didn't because I thought it was his ex. He did come through for me this weekend, when I had an unexpected expense having to buy school uniforms for my daughter. . .but I had to yell and scream and cry. . . We are supposed to be going to his best friends wedding. It wilk be an awkward first time meeting them. I have a hard time getting over this. He is really a hermit crab or has something to hide. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 There has been no talk of meeting up with other women since the first time. And while I find that I do love him, I am very uneasy about the trust thing. He is trying to change his ways, and we were not expecting any type of relationship when we met. So I am trying to accept that it takes time, but also wonder if he isnt ready for this. Link to post Share on other sites
beanie66f Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Trust your gut. If you have doubt then it is for good reason. If you have communication issues now from his perspective they will only become worse if you do marry. It's hard knowing what to do. But I think a good rule of thumb is to ask... In five years from now what will things be like? Will I regret where I am. Only you can answer that ... But from what you posted he doesn't seem like a good fit for a family lifestyle Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I think the real question you need to be addressing is why you are so desperate for a man that you are settling for this. This is simple settling for less than what you want in a man and in a relationship. Nothing more, nothing less. Address your self esteem issues and come up with some "must-haves" and some deal breakers and then don't settle for less. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 He is sweet and romantic with his words. He says he wants a future, and I want one with him. He has said 3 times he wants to get married. He hasnt presented a ring yet, . Go back through all your posts and count the number of times you have said, "he says", or "he said" or "he mentions" etc etc And then compare that to the number of times he has actually physically DONE something. Words are cheap and worthless. Actions are everything. If he is doing nothing, he is nothing. He's a talker not a doer. He is a hack. I can tell you I am going to be a multimillionaire, extrodinarily handsome, travel the world and own beachfront properties on several private, south pacific islands and that I have a huge d!ck. does the fact that I said it make any of it true? If I say it but I am not doing any physical work striving for it, do you really think any of it will ever come to fruition? You simply need to wake up, open your eyes and see. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cant_Get_Right Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Simple. He is using you. Your his wallet and piece of tail when he needs it. He is playing off your emotions. You sound like you got your life right, which is awesome, and he is gonna mooch as much as possible. Might just need to get back to you and your son. Find someone deserving of YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sm2281 Posted September 23, 2015 Author Share Posted September 23, 2015 Thank you all for your responses. My guts dont help. On the one hand I think he is great. On the other I can see he is trying, and on the other I think its a waste of time. He says he is actually going to start doing these things now, and I have talked to him about it. All of it. The bills. The feelings. He is willing to comply, but im jot sure he knows what im asking for. The other day we were in a fight and I ended up screaming and walking out of the room after he asked me what I wanted. I yelled "are you an idiot?! I have been asking to meet your friends and family for 6 months now and you dont know what I want?!" Im jot much for yelling but I wasbjust ticked that day. We do have arrangements to be at his friends wedding now and a trip to meet his mother and sister. Is it bad to have to ask?should i have to ask? He says part of the reason is because he is busy keeping in touch with people ..... Idk, but he is trying? Shouldnt that count? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 . On the other I can see he is trying, He says he is actually going to start doing these things now, He is willing to comply, but im jot sure he knows We do have arrangements to be at his friends wedding now and a trip to meet his mother and sister. He says part of the reason Idk, but he is trying? Shouldnt that count? Like I said in my last post, count up the number of "he says/said." And the number of "he's trying"s. A person is the sum total of the things they have done and what they have accomplished. Not what they have said and not what they say they are going to do. In that sense, "trying" does not count because it is still in the realm of saying they are going to do something untill they have actually done it. He's a dud. A hack. He is just stringing you with empty promises and you are falling for it. You are wanting us to 'boo' him and tell you that you are goo and that he needs to be better to deserve you and to cheer your sacrifice and ability to endure. But this situation is really about your self esteem and your inability to move from someone that is not a good fit for and is a unsatisfying relationship for you. His biceps and jokes and the orgasms he gave you in the beginning may have been good enough. But now you want a real relationship and he ain't it and he'll likely never be because what you see right here right now is who and what he is. You can't change him. You can't pick his good traits and then add other traits that you want like a big Leggo. Your options are either continue to settle and take him how he is or leave and find someone else. The self esteem issue is what is telling you that you can't get anything better. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 Idk, but he is trying? Shouldnt that count? No. Trying without accomplishing doesn't count. When you go for an interview, you will be asked what you have done and how you did it. Not what you are trying to do. When you get a paycheck, you are being paid for what you have done, not what you are trying to do. To make the team, you have to demonstrate skills and accomplishments on the field, not trying to make the plays. Saying you are going to do something, then putting in half-hearted effort and then allowing some small interference keep you from doing it is the superhighway to failure. Your BF is a Homer Simpson. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 When you go for an interview, you will be asked what you have done and how you did it. Not what you are trying to do. I want to expand on this concept more because this is where you are falling down. Dating is an interview and tryout process to determine if someone is the one you want to make a home and family with. Neither person is under any contract or obligation. Either party can terminate the interview at any point. And either party is free to walk away without legal repercussion at any time. You need to see yourself more as the interviewer and the evaluator and really determine if he has the skill sets, attitudes and temperaments to fill the job as life partner or not. And if he isn't cutting the mustard for the the role, you need to end the interview and tryout process and interview other applicants. You are simply wasting time and burning daylight with a fckup while other applicants are out there and one of them may be a perfect fit for the job. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 ........And a year is a perfectly adequate amount of time for an adult to determine if someone is making the grade as a partner or not. A year is a perfectly legitimate time to release someone if they aren't cutting it. Link to post Share on other sites
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