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Husband says i will make him lose friends?


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My husband used to go out with his friends a lot before we married.It was a group of 4 guys,they used to hang out every day almost.Today as married this is something he can not do of course.Of all his friends only he is married now.He feels like he is loosing them and blames it on me.We came with an agreement every week 1 day he can hang out with them but he still misses the old life.What can i do ? i am not willing to let him go out as he used to before,i feel its wrong but at the same time he is bored and has nothing to do.is there anything?

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My husband used to go out with his friends a lot before we married.It was a group of 4 guys,they used to hang out every day almost.
Presuming he didn't meet you on Monday and marry you on Tuesday, he'd been managing his friends versus dating partner, later girlfriend, later fiance, later wife for awhile, regarding time and priority. It didn't change in a day, for either of you.
Today as married this is something he can not do of course.
Every day? Yeah, that sounds reasonable, but again goes back to my original point. He didn't or wasn't forced to change on his wedding day. Change had been happening all along, right?
Of all his friends only he is married now.He feels like he is loosing them and blames it on me.
He made the choice to get married and with it, yup, comes compromise, for both of you.
We came with an agreement every week 1 day he can hang out with them but he still misses the old life
Seems like a reasonable compromise; however, a big change from 'every day' if that's what was going on immediately prior.
What can i do ? i am not willing to let him go out as he used to before,i feel its wrong but at the same time he is bored and has nothing to do.is there anything?
Do spousal things. You say he has nothing to do? Well, part of life, and married life, is filling one's life with married life things. It doesn't just happen. You and he communicate and work it as a team. He's an adult and can figure it out.
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Our friends typically share our interests and have similar lifestyles. Most married guys have married guy friends. Most new moms quickly create a circle of new mom girlfriends. Their old friends are bored by their discussions of baby sleep patterns and unable to advise on things that now consume them (e.g. nursing). Besides, they can't exactly show up for a last-minute GNO with a colicky baby in tow.

 

He's going to have less and less in common with these guys. Especially if they live very single lives, hunting for dates etc.

 

Do you know other couples you can hang with? Start organizing social activities with them to ease the transition from single to married friends.

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GunslingerRoland

That is a lot for a group of adult men to hang out together... so the rest of them must be completely single then? What do they do for all that time?

Do they have a shared hobby? Or do they sit around and drink?

 

 

I thinking setting defined rules like one day a week is kind of harsh... you'd hope that he would just naturally want to be with his wife most days. But if they are actually involved in some sort of hobby, then I can see why he wouldn't want to give it up.

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I'm not into hanging out with guys, but. Getting married hanging out with buddy's that are perhaps single naturally stops. I have a wife to spend free time with. Dicks night out in some sports bar is for the birds. I would rather be home having sex, then inane men talk of what would do with a woman. Just even when I was single ( not often or for long ) no desire to do boys club bromance with idiots that have nothing better to do. Maybe that's why I was rarely alone, rather relate and work with women...Then bro chat about nothing.Guys don't have anything I want, doing deals with men that are not flakes doesn't involve much hanging out and gossip

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But if they are actually involved in some sort of hobby, then I can see why he wouldn't want to give it up.

 

Does this hanging occur in bars? Hopefully the hobby isn't chasing women.

 

It was a group of 4 guys,they used to hang out every day almost.Today as married this is something he can not do of course.Of all his friends only he is married now.He feels like he is loosing them and blames it on me.

 

He's effectively telling you he doesn't want to be married since spouses don't hang with any friends, single or otherwise, every day. When you marry, you make a conscious decision to build a life as a couple so not sure if the lack of that reflects on you or him. What do you do while he's gone? What would you like to do together?

 

Do you plan on having kids together? If so, tell him he ain't seen nothin' yet in terms of demands on his time...

 

Mr. Lucky

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We were long distance so he was more free and could hang out with them a lot ,so when i moved after marriage it came as a huge change.

 

It is just sitting at a local cafe,watching sport etc....the one guy has a girlfriend but she is long distance,the other is single

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ShatteredLady

How old are you guys? Do you have kids?

 

When I first met my H he lived with 4 other guys. We were very young. They were students just starting to work. I became friends with them. We all hung out together. If they like watching sports can't you have gatherings at your house & join in? I played match maker sometimes. Checked-out new girlfriends for them. Thew 'dinner parties' for dates. We had a great time & became ALL very close friends. I became closer to a couple of them than my H (ones gay but they didn't know at the time....it was soooo hard to set him up with girls ;-)

They all eventually got married. We made lots of new couple friends & parent friends as described in another post.

 

If you're all older & these guys are perpetual singles chasing women it's different. That's a dangerous situation!

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Does this hanging occur in bars? Hopefully the hobby isn't chasing women.

 

 

 

He's effectively telling you he doesn't want to be married since spouses don't hang with any friends, single or otherwise, every day. When you marry, you make a conscious decision to build a life as a couple so not sure if the lack of that reflects on you or him. What do you do while he's gone? What would you like to do together?

 

Do you plan on having kids together? If so, tell him he ain't seen nothin' yet in terms of demands on his time...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Yes we do plan.And he would like it..this is just something he is used to,he says i wish i had kids now so then i would not be bored

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Yes we do plan.And he would like it..this is just something he is used to,he says i wish i had kids now so then i would not be bored

 

Sounds like he's bored with you then. No bueno.

 

I think you need to observe the giant, red flags a little more carefully. This isn't really about his friends, it's about some form of independence from you.

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Sounds like he's bored with you then. No bueno.

 

I think you need to observe the giant, red flags a little more carefully. This isn't really about his friends, it's about some form of independence from you.

 

you think so? to me it seems more like a fear to loose friends

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GunslingerRoland

Hmm... that isn't a good sign. Why is he so bored with just you and how does he figure kids will fix that?

 

If he doesn't like being at home, wait until he realizes how much more you are stuck at home when you have young kids. Wait until he realizes you can't watch sports at home whenever you want because the kids want to watch transformers...

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Hmm... that isn't a good sign. Why is he so bored with just you and how does he figure kids will fix that?

 

If he doesn't like being at home, wait until he realizes how much more you are stuck at home when you have young kids. Wait until he realizes you can't watch sports at home whenever you want because the kids want to watch transformers...

 

you guys do not get it,,,its sitting at a local cafe for an hour or so,,they did that always after work...while the other friends girlfriend was there we were all together and it was fine,but now i am the only girl and it becomes boring

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I'm not into hanging out with guys, but. Getting married hanging out with buddy's that are perhaps single naturally stops. I have a wife to spend free time with. Dicks night out in some sports bar is for the birds. I would rather be home having sex, then inane men talk of what would do with a woman. Just even when I was single ( not often or for long ) no desire to do boys club bromance with idiots that have nothing better to do. Maybe that's why I was rarely alone, rather relate and work with women...Then bro chat about nothing.Guys don't have anything I want, doing deals with men that are not flakes doesn't involve much hanging out and gossip

 

Completely disagree that you just stop hanging out with your friends. If you abandon friends because you got married then you werent that great of a friend to begin with.

 

 

OP, why did you specifically state that he can't go out with his friends anymore because he is married. Is that a rule you established? Is he not allowed to go out with his friends? That would be very controlling of you. i

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GunslingerRoland

If this is only an hour a day, maybe you're overreacting a bit... I was under the assumption he was going out for long periods and it was affecting how much you were seeing of him.

 

Maybe you guys have some different expectations of how much alone time you need in a relationship...

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We were long distance so he was more free and could hang out with them a lot ,so when i moved after marriage it came as a huge change.

 

It is just sitting at a local cafe,watching sport etc....the one guy has a girlfriend but she is long distance,the other is single

 

you guys do not get it,,,its sitting at a local cafe for an hour or so,,they did that always after work...while the other friends girlfriend was there we were all together and it was fine,but now i am the only girl and it becomes boring

 

Getting married is an adjustment under the best of circumstances. Going from an LDR to married & living together is a gigantic shock to the system.

 

So your guy had all this time on his hands when you were far away. You never "dated" in the conventional sense where you spent part of your weeks together & still had to balance life, shopping, laundry, friends etc. There was no natural evolution towards being each other's primary social entertainment. That is exacerbating your problems.

 

Another issue seems to be you are bored, probably because you don't have many friends at your new location. When he is with the boys after work, you have nothing to do so you resent it even more.

 

It seems like you tried by going with him to this cafe but that is no fun for you because you don't want to hang out with the guys & watch sports. I wouldn't either but the solution isn't to prohibit him from going. It's to compromise.

 

Instead of telling him he can only hang out with them once per week flip it. Make him promise you one week night . .. that's your date night at home. One weeknight you suck it up & go with him.

 

Meanwhile you take some steps to entertain yourself & make new friends. Once you have a social life independent of him it will be less lonesome for you when he's out with the buddies. As you two meld more together over time, hopefully his sports habit will reduce.

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Honestly, it doesn't have to be everyday. It doesn't. No married man needs to see his friends everyday like that. He made a commitment to get married, what the heck does he think will happen with kids? He should be doing this naturally. Now, being married without kids is a LOT of freedom compared to having kids, so going out with the guys even a couple of times a week is no big deal in that situation. But, do none of these guys want to have girlfriends/wives? When they do, they won't be hanging out as much either.

 

 

They have to accept that a guy needs time with his wife too. He should realize this as well.

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you guys do not get it,,,its sitting at a local cafe for an hour or so,,they did that always after work...while the other friends girlfriend was there we were all together and it was fine,but now i am the only girl and it becomes boring

 

So make a flexible deal, he hangs 3-4 days a week and you plan to do something the other. Teamwork and compromise, what marriage is all about.

 

Not sure what you want here...

 

Mr. Lucky

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We were long distance so he was more free and could hang out with them a lot ,so when i moved after marriage it came as a huge change.

 

IMO this is why it's generally advisable to spend a good amount of time together IRL before you marry.

 

I don't agree with hard and fast rules like 'only once a week', but I also don't think your expectations are unreasonable - I don't know anyone, man or woman, who is in a LTR and hangs out with their friends every single day, let alone when they are married. It's just a natural progression and understandable. Your SO doesn't sound like he's ready for any sort of commitment beyond the early dating phase.

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you guys do not get it,,,its sitting at a local cafe for an hour or so,,they did that always after work...while the other friends girlfriend was there we were all together and it was fine,but now i am the only girl and it becomes boring

 

I don't get why you won't be ok with him seeing his friends for an hour or two more than once a week? You already stated that they're just hanging out watching a sports game or at a cafe or one of their houses. It's not like they're going to strip clubs and getting wasted. And it's not like when he sees them he spends hours and hours and hours with them.

 

I despise the thought of only getting to hang out with 1 woman because she's my wife and I have to. Both the man and woman need to have active and individual social lives otherwise you'll get sick and bored of each other.

 

Do you have any friends in the area or is he all you've got? If you don't have anyone to hang out with then I can see why you only will allow 1 day a week. But that's unfair to him. When he goes to hang with them why don't you join a gym or some kind of group/organization that you're interested in. That'll help you meet new people and enjoy yourself without having to rely on your husband as you're only source of communication.

 

Obviously I'm not telling you that he should be with his boys 5 nights a week. But if he watches Sunday football with them and comes back after a game or 2 and then grabs a drink after work one or 2 nights a week for 45 mins or an hour... Then what's the big deal with that?

 

More importantly , you don't want his friends to start thinking that you force him to stay home with you and won't let him hang out anymore. They know he's married and you're his priority now but that doesn't mean that they're only allowed conjugal visits when the warden(you) says so.

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Yes we do plan.And he would like it..this is just something he is used to,he says i wish i had kids now so then i would not be bored

 

YOU were in a LDR but he was free to do what he wanted and hanging about with his mates was great. He could do as he pleased when he pleased, yet he was "in a relationship".

Now he is married he has you to consider and he doesn't like the fact that you are either hanging about with him and his mates, and making it generally awkward, or you are telling him not to go out with them at all.

He wants you to have children, so you can be occupied with nappies and kids and he and his mates can again be free to do what they want together.

 

Your relationship did not evolve with you two as a real couple and that is the problem here. YOU are not used to being a couple IRL.

You need to cultivate a life of your own, and he needs to want to spend time with you.

Marriage is about being a couple first and foremost, but both are free to pursue their own interests. The couple is the hub, the rest are the outliers.

 

In your case, due to the circumstances of the LDR, he sees his friends as the hub and YOU are the outlier.

If I were you I would hold off having kids until there is more of a bond evident between the two of you, else you are going to end up being the bitter and resentful wife at home doing everything for the kids, the home, the marriage, whilst he is having fun times out and about as essentially a single man.

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For example tomorrow he wants to go out alone with his friends and watch a game,i really think he should be watching with his wife

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If this is only an hour a day, maybe you're overreacting a bit... I was under the assumption he was going out for long periods and it was affecting how much you were seeing of him.

 

Maybe you guys have some different expectations of how much alone time you need in a relationship...

 

For example tomorrow he wants to go out alone with his friends and watch a game,i really think he should be watching with his wife

 

 

Why? He spends 99% of his time with you when he's not at work... You can't be cool with him having a social life and watching a 2 hour sports game without you? I don't understand why you are making this such a big deal. It's not whatsoever. If he's a good husband and provides and works hard then wtf why can't he spend some time with his buddies!?

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For example tomorrow he wants to go out alone with his friends and watch a game,i really think he should be watching with his wife

 

 

This is where you are straying into unreasonable. You don't want to watch the game. You don't like the sport. So you saying he should watch with you is tantamount to you telling him what his interests & hobbies ought to be.

 

 

Men rarely watch sports with their wives. Some do but universally it's something they do to get away from their wives & GFs.

 

 

If you really want him to watch at home would you be OK with all the buddies coming over to watch with him?

 

 

For this marriage to work, you both have to compromise.

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