Jump to content

Using terms of endearment on a stranger, thoughts


Recommended Posts

We were at a hotel, and this one gives bottles of water. He went to ask for a couple extra bottles from the maid down the hall. He didn't see her but called out hey beautiful, can I get I a couple extra bottles of water from you. She of course comes out of the room she's cleaning with a big smile, and gives him the water, and they banter back and forth.

 

I tried to calmly mention how I felt about it, which turned into a fight because he did nothing wrong and was not flirting, etc. Then he proceeded to say I'm being a psychopath.

 

For the record it's not about her appearance it's about his actions.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not the line in the sand I'd draw but to each his own. It's really just slang, I'd doubt he's attempting to endear. Maybe he just wanted more water?

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm more interested in how this escalated into a fight. That it escalated to thee degree that he called you a name concerns me more, frankly. Could you elaborate on how this fight happened?

 

As for the slang, I might be a little miffed. I might even say something. But I would be very shocked and surprised if he became upset with me for saying something, provided I was respectful about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers

It depends on where you live.

 

I moved to this particular area in the US several years ago and it still shocks me that everyone (clerks at the store, etc) call me "hon" or "sweetie" or "love". People I've never met before.

 

Even women cashiers at stores call me those things. At first I wanted to say "I am NOT your "hon" but now I've just learned that it's the way people talk and doesn't mean anything.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yep, when I visit friends in North Carolina, such interactions with strangers are pretty normal, at least in the service industries. Took me a bit of getting used to but I got the hang of it after awhile. I came to see it more as social lubrication rather than anything personal, romantic or untoward. Waitresses, hotel clerks, maids, etc, are always calling me sweetheart or dear or darlin' or whatever. In Cali they don't even speak :D

 

Some people enjoy social interaction and it's just that, interaction, not anything meaningful. However, if in a relationship, one should also consider one's partner and their feelings and sensibilities. Balance.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I'm from Georgia, where darling, sweetheart, honey, and sweetie (along with lots of others) are all used pretty casually. Paternalistically, even.

 

But 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous' are considered flirty and untoward where I'm from. I don't know that someone would harmlessly use those where I'm from. Maybe in Alabama, MS, or LA, though. <shrugs>

 

That said, the level of relative normalcy of the terms doesn't seem to be the primary issue here. It's her discomfort, and his reaction to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun
Well, I'm from Georgia, where darling, sweetheart, honey, and sweetie (along with lots of others) are all used pretty casually. Paternalistically, even.

 

But 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous' are considered flirty and untoward where I'm from. I don't know that someone would harmlessly use those where I'm from. Maybe in Alabama, MS, or LA, though. <shrugs>

 

That said, the level of relative normalcy of the terms doesn't seem to be the primary issue here. It's her discomfort, and his reaction to it.

 

Nope, we have the same terms of endearment you do...calling a woman beautiful is blatant flirting here in the Deep South too.

OP, if my wife asked me to not do something because it bothered her, even if I thought it was odd, I would not do it....know why? Because she is the most important person in the world to me. I sure as heck wouldn't pick a fight over it. This guy is an ass.

Best,

G

Edited by Grumpybutfun
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
lollipopspot

"Hey beautiful" is pushing it a little, to me, and I might be slightly taken aback if my bf called someone that. Maybe not fight-worthy, but it's a little too familiar. How would your bf like it if when you talked to strange men you did it by saying, "Hey handsome..."

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
ShatteredLady

Hi. I'm pretty new here. Is there a history with your husband cheating? Any reason to be mad at him for being flirtatious? Do you consider it disrespectful to her, disrespectful to you? To be honest if your M was great & you just didn't like it I think you should chat about it & you guys decide what's best...him not/you not caring. The fact that it turned into a big, disrespectful flight makes me think this is about more than a few cheesy words....

Link to post
Share on other sites

You get more flies with honey then vinegar. Your husband applied that principle. In exchange for a little flattery he insured he got what he wanted, more water. It was harmless & meaningless.

 

 

The fact this this devolved into a fight tells me there is something underlying wrong in your marriage. In an healthy marriage, one of two things would have happened. You would not have cared. If you did care & said something he would have said sorry & the two of you would have gone on to enjoy your stay.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I mentioned calmly that it bothered me, he became defensive. Said he was not flirting. And so the fight ensued. I told him I expected an apology and understanding of my feelings, which is not what I got.

 

He did this in my presence, I felt so uncomfortable with the banter I left the area. This happened near Chicago.

 

I was hurt because in my mind you don't go around calling people you don't know beautiful unless your picking them up. Most terms used in public are Miss or Maam.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ShatteredLady

If my H did that I'd be really shocked because he NEVER talks to anyone like that. Is this new for your husband? What's he usually like? How long have you known eachother? Is he suddenly trying to be smooth?

 

We're English. Personally I usually hate that sort of thing. There are very few people who can charmingly carry off that kind of talk.

Like everyone lse I'm more concerned that this became such a big deal. Were you mad at eachother before you got to the hotel? Have things been a bit strained lately. Was it like you were accusing him of flirting & he got very defensive?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is this your third husband that said this to the maid? The guy you describe in other threads, including this one--

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...nd#post6518704

Now my life has hit rock bottom and I've prayed for Gods help, intervention, and death. I am legally homeless. My credit is severely damaged, severely. My husband has a record for embezzlement, got evicted from his last place, and really all logic says head for the hills, run fast and furiously.

 

If so, I think him trying to charm a couple of free waters from the maid (usually $2.50-$7.50 + taxes in hotel rooms) is the very least of your worries.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites

In my humble opinion you make an elephant out of an ant, you sound like a priss, I, personally would be slightly irritated by your tone of voice. Sorry.

Link to post
Share on other sites
In my humble opinion you make an elephant out of an ant, you sound like a priss, I, personally would be slightly irritated by your tone of voice. Sorry.

 

I was going to say I sensed a certain inflexibility but we're on the same page.

 

Said he was not flirting. And so the fight ensued. I told him I expected an apology and understanding of my feelings, which is not what I got.

 

Did you offer same :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

Calling her beautiful was a little much, but unless he does it a LOT, I wouldn't worry too much over it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress

Honestly, it would piss me off too... Not so much because I feel like it's flirting, but because that's not a respectful way to refer to a woman, especially a stranger, and especially somebody in a position of service to you. It's tacky. That's what weirdos at the bar do indiscriminately to women they are trying to sleep with, not how gentlemen refer to ladies.

 

But I freely admit, I roll old school. My husband introduces me as Mrs. First Name, Last Name on first introduction and continues to call me Mrs. Last Name to everybody but the closest of friends and it's the damn sexiest thing ever. It puts the guys who shout "hey beautiful" to shame.

Edited by Redheaded Mistress
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

If I wanted a really cheap bottle of water or two and a man was working in a hotel who had access to this, I would not bother saying "hey handsome" because it's water! No need to butter a guy up over water!

 

Besides this reason, if I said "hey handsome" to any stranger in front of my man, he'd probably check to see if I just had a stroke because I'd never do something like that ordinarily. No need to up a strangers self-esteem over water.

 

Does your husband think he's the self-esteem crusader who is there to rescue strangers in need or something?

 

I've lived in the northern US and down south and no matter where I was, no man said "hey beautiful" to me unless he was flirting. It is flirting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress

Has there ever been a woman in the world who said "That random guy called me beautiful while asking me to fetch him something... That boosts my self esteem so much!"

 

For me, it's more like "whatever a-h*le."

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Bantering back and forth (flirting) in your presents is disrespectful. Him becoming defensive and arguing is a red flag.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Does he always do this? I would have felt the sameas you did.

 

I've had strangers calling me darling, sweetheart and gorgeous when I worked in the service industry. They never did it when their wives or GF was there and once my BF heard one guy using one of those terms. He wasn't best pleased, but I was in my late teens then.

 

My H wouldn't do it now. I'm the more friendly /sociable one of us, so I'm more likely to do anything close to that and he would be very pissed off if I did.

 

I did have one Ex who was so nice to waiting staff (the women especially ) and it irritated me. He was more friendly then necessary.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know him better than anyone. My wife isn't one to use words like "dear" or anything like that to a stranger but she is very friendly to people when requesting things and can carry on with that person for several seconds. She's friendly and it shows. She's always been that way and I don't bat an eyelash. I've had the odd "Is that your wife..........she's a keeper" comment thrown my way because of it because, let's face it, men love a pleasant woman to interact with, even for a few seconds.

 

 

So because of the fact I know her so well, that stuff means nothing. She's sociable in an "aw shucks" type of way. Sort of the same with me I guess. She knows this too. I can strike up a conversation with anyone I just met and my wife knows this. It has been a woman before and, again, my wife knows me. She knows I can talk someone's ear off. 9 years of being together not once has she ever gotten jealous of a few second conversation I've had with the opposite sex.

 

 

So this story really requires context. If this is who he is, you really shouldn't be concerned. I've been called "hun", "dear", "love", from different women, and this could just be a gas station attendant that I am paying gas to. I find it is often women old enough to be my mother, but sometimes it isn't, and even if it is a younger woman it is always a warm response from me, not a "Oh man is she coming on to me?" thing. I guess I have said "dear" the odd time to a woman. Mostly it is "Miss" if it is a young girl.

 

 

Frankly, I would be flattered if someone called me "handsome" as a way of addressing me. That might be all this was for this woman. And it might have been all it was for your husband. But the biggest question is whether or not he does this often.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My ex/gf always called me things like boo, babe, hunni etc. I loved it until I realized she calls every guy those terms. Then it lost it's meaning and every time she called me one of those terms it just reeked of insincerity.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...