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SHOULD I go back-- I'm more tempted now, here's why


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I'm 31, husband is 32.

 

I posted here about a week ago asking the same question, so please bear with me as I give more details into the topic. I asked if I should go back to my husband's mother's house though nothing has changed, everyone said no. Let me explain why I'm so tempted to go back, and if it's reasonable. As I said, love makes you irrational, so I want to get some perspective.

 

My lease in my studio is almost up, so if I make a choice, I have to do it NOW. I can afford to lease it again, that's not the problem-- I would just have to wait another year to reconsider going back with him, and the lease issue is the reason I gave him a few months ago for not going back. So I have to make the choice by this Sunday-- if yes, the truck comes to pick up my stuff to go to his place, if no, then I am signing up a new lease.

 

I went to his house a few days ago to see how I felt. Memories and emotions flooded back. Holding my cat again as amazing. I went because I wanted things to be cleared up with his mom and wanted to get the full scope of the situation. She said I'm welcome back, that I would just have to help with one bill and be mindful of house rules. Keep things clean, not make much noise after 8pm, accept that her unemployed boyfriend will continue to live there, etc. One of the reasons I left was because I couldn't stand living with the big family anymore, so going back seems like I'd be going back to square one. HOWEVER, they also own a couple of houses in the back, and we can rent one of them out as soon as one vacates.

 

It was a super emotional day and I was certain I'd go back, but I'm having cold feet again. It looks cramped and messy in there, which was one of the thigns I didn't like. Here, I keep my studio neat and clean, yet I don't feel rushed to clean up right away either, but always do. I don't have to walk on tiptoe past 8. I asked my husband if he'd move in with me instead, he said he doesn't like living in an urban area (where I live), he likes his house and his own driveway. Then he said I'm giving him excuses as a copout. He then went on to tell me he loves me and that if I've dated anyone in this year, it's ok, he forgives and accepts, as long as I can accept him with all his flaws.

 

Sounds touching. I feel like either choice would bring some regret later on--- what if. What if I stay, and later I wonder what it would've been like if I had gone back to my husband, his houses, and build a family together. If I go back, later on I will wonder what it would've been like to continue the adventure alone. I do have a lot of friends, a fun social life now, and people I have dated, but none compare to him in my eyes. =/

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he's your husband! you're supposed to be together!! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I know. I left because I felt outnumbered in his house with his mom and mom's boyfriend living there too. Every time we had an argument, they'd get involved. Plus, I had to walk on eggshells or the boyfriend-- the UNEMPLOYED BF-- would tell me that I'm in my mother-in-law's house, so to follow her rules or leave. So I left. However, I miss my husband and you're right, we SHOULD be togehter, but the reasons I left are still there. After all, we wouldn't be getting our own place, but moving back to HER house, and wait for one of their back houses to vacate.

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lucy_in_disguise

Are you in the US? Is there any legitimate reason for your husband to continue living at home - such as needing to take care of his mother- or is he just a mamma's boy who prefers not to pay rent?

 

If its the latter- I really dont think you should go back, because I dont think there is any reason he is unable to compromise by getting your own place that would meet both of your needs. It doesnt need to be your current studio in an urban area- you can rent something in his current town together - but I would absolutely not move back in to his mothers house. If he cant budge on such a basic requirement of an adult relationship, I think to move back would be setting yourself up for further frustration ans disappointment.

 

There is nothing peculiar about wanting to have your own place with your husband. The fact that he cant understand that to me is a major red flag.

 

Do you want kids someday? If his mom and her bf are meddling in your business now, just imagine bringing a baby into that situation.

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renew the lease to your studio.

That way IF you go back, you have a bolt-hole to retreat to if things go belly up.

 

In your shoes?

I'd stay precisely where you are.

Things are not good with the situation you and your H are in.

 

While his words may SEEM gracious, a major part of the work - to make things right for his wife - is down to him. And as we all know, by now, Actions speak louder than....

It's his family situation that triggers problems for you.

You can do nothing to change people or to remedy the situation.

This is not between you, his mother, her BF and your H.

 

This is between you and your H.

An as the major pitfalls are on HIS side of the fence, it's up to him to work to provide remedies.

 

I reiterate: Renew the lease (certainly as a buffer) and stay where you are.

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ShatteredLady

Your H is the guy who bought an expensive sports car that takes most of his pay check each month, right? Is that really the life you want? How much longer will your journey to work be if you move back? He needs to grow-up. You've been married for 7 years! Did you know it was a life sentence with his Mum when you first got together?

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I don't know, the two of you don't seem to take marriage seriously, I mean you left for reason that have nothing to do with you husband or marriage and is dating other people. He stays because he wants a driveway...Really the two of you don't call mature enough or emotionally capable to maintain a marriage. Renew the lease.

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I don't know, the two of you don't seem to take marriage seriously, I mean you left for reason that have nothing to do with you husband or marriage and is dating other people. He stays because he wants a driveway...Really the two of you don't call mature enough or emotionally capable to maintain a marriage. Renew the lease.

 

I was unhappy about other things... Like him never wanting to go out, always moving my stuff around, being so closed minded about trying new things. But what broke the camel's back was the living situation. I could've put up with just about anything else.

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And so, please explain to us how on earth that would IMPROVE matters - if you moved back in with him and the motley crew?

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Your H is the guy who bought an expensive sports car that takes most of his pay check each month, right? Is that really the life you want? How much longer will your journey to work be if you move back? He needs to grow-up. You've been married for 7 years! Did you know it was a life sentence with his Mum when you first got together?

 

Yep, that's him. Worse, he works part time at a theme park as a greeter and his mom supports him, always tells him how proud she is, etc. that's another things they brought up when I visited a few days ago. She told me to be patient with him and his job, that you have to start from the bottom, that she's super proud of him, eye. The thing is, he's super smart and I know he can do better. He has a degree in computer science! He's not interested, he wants to continue being a greeter. I imagine that if he were in his own he would have to push himself to do better. Anyway, even that wouldn't be an issue for me if it didn't cause us to remain in that house. He says he's not going to struggle paying rent somewhere else when he has a perfectly good house already, just to prove something to the world. I'm not trying to prove anything, for me it's about comfort and having my own space, even if it's a small space, knowing it's mine, nobody will move anything around, and I can do as I please so long as I pay my rent

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Gosh, you know, the more you post the more I seriously wonder what on earth you're doing, still with the guy.... Hell's bells....

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Are you in the US? Is there any legitimate reason for your husband to continue living at home - such as needing to take care of his mother- or is he just a mamma's boy who prefers not to pay rent?

 

If its the latter- I really dont think you should go back, because I dont think there is any reason he is unable to compromise by getting your own place that would meet both of your needs. It doesnt need to be your current studio in an urban area- you can rent something in his current town together - but I would absolutely not move back in to his mothers house. If he cant budge on such a basic requirement of an adult relationship, I think to move back would be setting yourself up for further frustration ans disappointment.

 

There is nothing peculiar about wanting to have your own place with your husband. The fact that he cant understand that to me is a major red flag.

 

Do you want kids someday? If his mom and her bf are meddling in your business now, just imagine bringing a baby into that situation.[/quote

 

We both live in L.A. I'm in an apartment building closer to downtown, and his house is more hidden in a residential area, but we're not far, about 15 minutes from each other, currently. No, I don't think I want kids.

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And so, please explain to us how on earth that would IMPROVE matters - if you moved back in with him and the motley crew?

 

Well, his reasoning is this--- we WILL live alone when one of his mom's houses vacates, which they expect won't be too long because the tenant is very old. The thing is, he wants us to live together while we wait, in his mother's front house, where everyone is crowded and together and where I'd have to follow her rules. Things I do anyway, but with the pressure of micromanagement. The upside? I would only have to pay one bill a month. All that money we could save.

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After reading this, there's NO WAY that you should return to his mother's house with her BF.

 

You and your husband need you OWN place and that should not be a deal killer. Sounds like you can both sacrifice enough to easily make that happen, and you both should be self supporting and not take any support from the mother.

 

It sounds like there is a major flaw in your relationship, being separated with the living conditions, and sounds like he REALLY needs to grow up. If he doesn't, you'll probably be miserable for the rest of your life.

 

I had a good buddy that married a close relative of mine and moved into his folks summer cabin to save money. The parents would come up on weekends and often stay the week, and my cousin almost went crazy putting up with the inlaws and their way of life and raising her child. It almost cost them their marriage.... and the move out of there, regardless of cost, was the absolute best thing they could do.

 

You CANT live with inlaws or relatives.... period!

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I guess I'm stuck on the whole dating thing. I mean if you haven't decide to be apart and head towards divorce then what's the point in dating?

 

This marriage is doomed to fail because there is a major lack of respect from both sides, and some major maturing that needs to happen on both sides. Seems that much of the criticizing and blame is being directed towards the husband and OP is 50 to blame here. There is no compromising on either side.

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I don't know, the two of you don't seem to take marriage seriously, I mean you left for reason that have nothing to do with you husband or marriage and is dating other people. He stays because he wants a driveway...Really the two of you don't call mature enough or emotionally capable to maintain a marriage. Renew the lease.

 

Him trying to force her to live with MIL and her unemployed boyfriend has everything to do with their marriage! Dude, in what universe is that unrelated to their relationship? I would rather chew my right arm off than live with my mother or his and my H knows that. Therefore, he would never try to manipulate me into living with one of them. What husband insists that the couple lives with his mommy and is perfectly ok with his wife being treated like an unruly teenager? Curfews, house rules, etc... MIL is trying to mother two adults. Apparently, Lass's H enjoys this dynamic. Ew.

 

Lass, just divorce and get it over with. You're "married" to an overgrown child whose true allegiance is with his mommy. The driveway line was a load of bull. It's more important to him to live with his mother than to live with his wife. The "forsaking all others" bit apparently went over his head. Therapy might be a good idea for yourself, to work out why you would even consider putting up with this infantilizing nonsense.

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NOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

I remember your previous post. Why on earth would you want to go back to that? You said before nothing had changed.

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Well, his reasoning is this--- we WILL live alone when one of his mom's houses vacates, which they expect won't be too long because the tenant is very old. The thing is, he wants us to live together while we wait, in his mother's front house, where everyone is crowded and together and where I'd have to follow her rules. Things I do anyway, but with the pressure of micromanagement. The upside? I would only have to pay one bill a month. All that money we could save.

 

I asked you to explain to me what would improve matters.

 

None of the above is in any way an advantage to you.

The non-scored snippet is all you could manage to give as to how you would personally benefit.

 

When you stop and think about it, and take everything into consideration - and I do mean, EVERYTHING - it's not really an awful lot, is it?

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I asked you to explain to me what would improve matters.

 

None of the above is in any way an advantage to you.

The non-scored snippet is all you could manage to give as to how you would personally benefit.

 

When you stop and think about it, and take everything into consideration - and I do mean, EVERYTHING - it's not really an awful lot, is it?

 

I know. :( I agree. The reason I'm so persuaded to return is because he says it's a temporary situation until one of the other houses becomes available. He's very hesitant to live on his own anywhere else, he's never lived alone, and he's only considered it when he has big fights with his mom. She would then tell him how hard it is out there, etc. SHe would get mad at ME for wanting us to move out, telling me that it's hard, etc. Well, I've proven it's feasible by living on my own. I used to wish he would join me on this adventure, now I'd just be more than happy enough to live alone with him in one of the back houses. I just wish it was available now, because I'm very hesitant to wait in his mother's house, as nice as she is to me right now. :( He told me a wife should stick to her man through good and bad, so that makes me feel kind of guilty too.

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I can't answer this without wanting to slap some sense into you... :mad:

 

I know. :( I agree. The reason I'm so persuaded to return is because he says it's a temporary situation until one of the other houses becomes available.

He says, he says, he says.

Yet in the meanwhile look at what he's doing. He's voluntarily staying in some pit-poor job, with absolutely no intention or ambition to get out of it, instead of having any desire to find a job to to suit his qualifications, and is doing what his momma says he should do. Momma's boy is a momma's boy, and momma's boy is never gonna NOT be a momma's boy....

 

He's very hesitant to live on his own anywhere else, he's never lived alone, and he's only considered it when he has big fights with his mom.
He's your HUSBAND. He wouldn't BE alone. He would be where he should be. With you. By your side.

 

She would then tell him how hard it is out there, etc. SHe would get mad at ME for wanting us to move out, telling me that it's hard, etc.
Seems to me all she has to do is snap her fingers and play the Momma, and he's all over her like a rash....

 

, I've proven it's feasible by living on my own. I used to wish he would join me on this adventure, now I'd just be more than happy enough to live alone with him in one of the back houses.

I'd be happier if you ditched the petulant little 9-year-old and lived on your own in your studio - which is absolutely what you really should be considering as your number one option!!!

 

I just wish it was available now, because I'm very hesitant to wait in his mother's house, as nice as she is to me right now.

 

Yes. Nice when it looks as if you'll do as she says. Nice while you're not actually under each others' feet.

Why deliberately put yourself in a non-finite position, when you have no idea how long it will be for, and it makes you completely, thoroughly miserable in the interim?

 

:( He told me a wife should stick to her man through good and bad, so that makes me feel kind of guilty too.

Works both ways, sweetie. And frankly, at the moment, it's all bad, and loaded against you.

 

Jeesh, honey really - what is it going to take to make you see his mother is manipulating you through him?

The 'wife should stick to her man' bit I am totally certain, comes from her.

I don't know what happened to his dad, but she has a BF, not a husband.

Unless she was widowed, she didn't 'stick by HER man, good and bad', did she?

 

And how about him sticking with YOU?

 

I told you, this problem is on his side, of his creation.

Let him deal with it.

You are not obliged to!

In your shoes, I'd be pointing the other way and running!!

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Stay where you are.

 

He needs to prove his worth to you and he hasn't done that yet. Make him work for it...

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Lois_Griffin
I asked my husband if he'd move in with me instead, he said he doesn't like living in an urban area (where I live), he likes his house and his own driveway.

LOL. It's NOT 'his own driveway.' It's mommy's driveway. He's living at mommy's house because he's a damned man-child who can't - and won't - grow the hell up and live like an adult.

 

Not only that, but he makes lame and ignorant comments about 'refusing to pay high rents' but he's willing to blow most of his paycheck to pay the loan for his new sports car. Is he really that ignorant that he doesn't realize cars DEPRECIATE? Seriously, is there something mentally wrong with this guy? That's something a dumbass teenage boy would do. It's obvious he's emotionally stunted, he's already shown you that loud and clear.

 

LOL...if none of the guys you've dated since you've been separated can 'compare' to this guy, then you must have been dating homeless winos, because just about anyone would be an improvement over a man-child who wants to live with mommy until she dies and he can take her house.

 

And lucky you - YOUR paycheck would go towards one or two of the bills to help support his mother's worthless boyfriend and probably your husband as well, since he's blowing all his money on a dumbass car, now.

 

Your description of the messy, cramped tiny little house that you're considering going BACK to - that you have to be quiet in after 8 pm - sounds like Shangri La.

 

Not.

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Let's lookmat what you are proposing to do. Trade your current peaceful place for a promise of separate quarters at some uncertain date in the future still owned and therefore controlled by MIL rather than your man child H who likes his sports car better than he values the happiness of his W.

 

Did MIL promise occupancy of the rental,house in writing? Or is this just another example of wishful thinking by H?

 

Many years ago I was called "Perer Pan" by a girl who was far more serious about me than I was about her. I'm giving that title to your H now. Remember Peter Pan, who didn't want to grow up?

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ShatteredLady

Your H has had a lifetime of "The world is a big bad scary place" oh its so Pink Floyd "Come to mommy darling. Let me wrap you in my arms"....I'm surprised she let him do something as independent & dirty as get married in the first place!

 

She's messed with his head. Did her husband leave her or die? I think she's terrified of being alone & loosing her boy. She's telling him how proud she is of him having his safe, childish job in an amusement park....where he can never be influenced by grown-ups to venture into the dangerous world or make enough money to be independent of her.

 

She's given him the money to buy a toy car so she can take what little money he has each month!

 

She's brain washed him!! Read some of the things you've written. It's weird!

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