aussiegirl46 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 (edited) Hello there, I am experiencing some very dark days. I am close to 50, DH is about 5 years younger, we have been married for 12 years with two small children. Things have not always been great but we have had our ups as well as downs. Two years ago DH's father passed away and DH received a large inheritance. After his death, DH became withdrawn, depressed, rude and did not want to share his money . He shut me down at every suggestion, stopped being intimate and basically gave up on the marriage. I have tried to support him in lots of ways but now he says he wants to leave the marriage to 'sort himself out'. He is going to see a counsellor, we have seen a counsellor together which didn't really help. I asked him how long for and he said maybe six months. He has even sorted out possible property settlement as he has sought legal advice. I told him if he wanted to go then he should just go. He seems to have both legs and one arm out the door because he feels guilty. Should I just assume he won't come back or should I support him through this? I really think this is to do with not sharing his loot. Any advice ? Edited August 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Death effects people differently. After my parents' deaths I became withdrawn & depressed I'm still dealing with it. DH however is my rock & I am so grateful he puts up with my depression. Inheritances aren't automatically excluded from marital property / assets. I would talk to a lawyer about it sooner rather than later. If it's just about the money you probably won't get him back. If there is more to it. If it's about his own mortality or some feeling that he let his parents & you down perhaps in time he can come back to being the man who you love. Can you pry any other info out of him -- directly or through key loggers & snooping etc.? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aussiegirl46 Posted August 22, 2015 Author Share Posted August 22, 2015 Hi Donnivain, Sorry for the late reply, I am not in USA so time difference of hours. He keeps a code on his mobile, I have snooped before so he knows. He has had emotional affair before, although he doesn't think there's anything in it even though they talk about 'issues' and I have to move my seat in the car because 'she' has been sitting in it. He's not a nasty man, just emotionally immature. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Any advice ? What are your thoughts on the inheritance? Have you shared them with him? You don't really discuss what you'd like to do. Assuming he changes his mind about leaving but his withdrawn nature remains unchained, would you want to stay? Are there kids involved? More questions than answers right now. Separation is practice and preparation for divorce, it has little to do with marital recovery. If he persists, plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Why don't you just let him have his "loot" then? After all, it was HIS father. Just stay married and tell him it's his money and you keep away from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Why don't you just let him have his "loot" then? After all, it was HIS father. Just stay married and tell him it's his money and you keep away from it. This isn't possible due to the Australian family Law Act. All assets must be disclosed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Has he "Checked out" of his 2 little kids lives too? Does he spend his inheritance on them? He's been dealing with bereavement for 2 years! I know it's incredibly hard but he's a FATHER as well as a husband. This is as much about the lives of those little people as it is the state of your marriage. He can't run away with his new money & divorce his children! Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 (edited) I asked him how long for and he said maybe six months. He has even sorted out possible property settlement as he has sought legal advice. I told him if he wanted to go then he should just go. He seems to have both legs and one arm out the door because he feels guilty. Should I just assume he won't come back or should I support him through this? I really think this is to do with not sharing his loot. Any advice ? Aussiegirl, this part has alarm bells ringing for me. In Aus, once separated for six months you can legally lodge Consent Orders for division of assets, custody, etc. He has had legal advice so he knows this. It could be completely coincidental that he mentions six months as his timeframe... But maybe he is very deliberately getting his ducks in a legal row. You need to get yourself some legal advice. On the other side of things... Was this a complete character change once his father died? Was he a different person for the prior ten years of your M? If so, it could be more than a psychological response issue; it could actually be something neurobiological. He's of the age where such things can manifest. Could you get him to a specialist to if nothing else check his brain functioning and rule this out? (And get him medical help if he needs it.) Edited August 22, 2015 by SolG 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aussiegirl46 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 Thanks all, yeah he has gone very weird. Our son is 5, he has been diagnosed at 18 months with being on the autism spectrum. DH has always been odd but I am starting to think maybe he is on the spectrum and his Dad's death has pushed him into being in it further or something. He has strange behavioural patterns, sleeps with buzzing Walkman on to drown out other noises, has fan on in winter (we don't sleep together because of these rituals). Obsessive washing rituals etc. If his brain is not 'wired' the same ways as people who aren't on the spectrum then this could explain why he is behaving in a manner that makes no sense to the average person. I am going to take him to a counsellor get this sorted, we are having individual counselling too. Interestingly this is a time when folks need friends, you sometimes realise that you actually have no real friends during a time like this when they don't support you or even contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Your marriage is over. Try to get him to do the right thing with his kids, by supporting them. Move on & find someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Aussiegirl, this part has alarm bells ringing for me. In Aus, once separated for six months you can legally lodge Consent Orders for division of assets, custody, etc. He has had legal advice so he knows this. It could be completely coincidental that he mentions six months as his timeframe... But maybe he is very deliberately getting his ducks in a legal row. You need to get yourself some legal advice. Yes, most things happen for a reason, and if a person chooses to ignore or to spend time in the lala land of "love", there can be very severe consequences or they end up being "blindsided", when it was staring them in the face all along. I guess nail on head here. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 aussiegirl46 I think you should follow SolG's advice regarding legal action against your husband. If you don't, your husband may pull the financial rug out from under you and your children. Best to protect yourself. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Your husband seems very mixed up with himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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