Mental illness in marriage...when is enough?

[justme67]

I posted a few weeks ago about my husband and I dealing with no sex as a result of my zero libido, rooted in years of built up resentment towards his health anxiety and OCD. We are in therapy. I am in therapy, he is in therapy (though he does not push for it and tends to just go to go, I think. Maybe I am wrong).

 

I am processing a lot of emotions, working on a lot of stuff. My therapist even told me to slow down a little and she is right. I am learning a lot, challenging a lot of negative patterns I have, etc. All in all, I love my therapist. She feels like my life line right now.

 

The husband, after we started marriage counseling about 2 months ago, finally started seeing a therapist for his hypochondria OCD and anxiety. He has went twice. When I ask how it is going, he said ok. He said she gave him some exercises with self talk he should work on and he admitted that he does it "sometimes."

 

Our therapist, I think she is ok. I do feel like we are spinning our wheels a bit and I don't feel she gives us a lot of direction. She very likely is a good therapist, and may very well work for another type of couple. I want us to stick with her a while longer, couple of months, but I am open to finding someone else if she doesn't seem to be helping us. She says we have to work outside of the therapy on things (duh). I suggested we get homework, something to work on. So she asked in wha t area...isn't she suppose to help identify that? Anyway, she is ok. We are at least going and there are some gains there.

 

Last night we talked about how my husband feels I don't appreciate him. as in at all. And that he feels I am unfair to him for feeling angry over 12 years of built up stuff. I have talked to him MANY times over the 12 years, telling him things stressed me, asking him to address them, etc. I should have spoken to a therapist myself sooner, but anyway, I am now. So last night he basically said how unfair all this is and all the good things he has done over the years should cancel out the bad (his OCD). etc. We talked after we got home again, and I was pretty angry. I asked him if he really feels I treat him so badly, and I am so unfair to him, and I don't appreciate him at all, why does he stay? He refused to answer and said he wasn't going to let me make him for guilty for saying that. We have a very stressful situation with my son, he has a lot of issues. Couples with a kid like him, many have divorced. It is hard. His stresses on top of my son, well, I couldn't deal anymore. We have no sex because my desire is dead as a doornail. But I pushed for marriage counseling because I want to try to fix things, improve things. We are both really good people with good hearts. Giving people. We both do a lot for the other. I am not a coddler though, I am pretty independent and he is more needy. The fact though, is that I feel he is turning this around to make me feel bad for my anger over these issues. I left last night feeling like he thinks I really have no right or justification to feel so about his mental health issues. I know there is denial going on with him to an extent. But I told him I don't feel badly for how I feel. I am working on things, trying to get back to a good place. I am pushing us to do the same. ANd hoping he will. Not making, he has to do it on his own. But that i did not feel badly because I have a right to my feelings. I guess he does too. But his are from denial and wanting to feel better about himself. I get that to an extent. But eventually I think he has to come to terms with the issues we are having are rooted in something he brings to the table. it is a process. But I am tired. I feel like he is the one with the issues that started all of this and I am the one doing all the work and having to justify how I feel.

 

Mental issues are hard, I get that. But it is in lack of motivation to help one's self that is frustrated. The denial. The refusing to see the pain it causes the other person. I told him last night that he has to come to terms with his own thoughts and feelings. If he really feels so that I am so bad to him, then he should be true to himself and go. Why would anyone stay if they really believed that is what I said. I was angry. In general we are working on things, but he wants them fixed now. he thinks that he is trying and went to a therapist (I do tell him I see and appreciate what he is doing). But he thinks sex should come back now. he thinks I am using him. I will say I do thinks for him sexually, but I have no desire, and stopped beating myself up over that a year or so ago. Again, i won't go all into that as I did post before about that.

 

I guess I wonder, how does one get clarity on a situation like this? mental health issues are tough. But willingness to work on it and address it would go so far with me. It is the denial and blaming me for the no sex and the anger as if he had nothing to do with it and I am such a mean person for feeling this way and treating him so. Not sure what I want from this post. Maybe others have went through something similar. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe just a vent. Any input is welcome. Thank you for the ears (many).

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Get a divorce. Things are not going to get substantially better. Don't waste anymore time.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry. Mental health issues are so incredibly hard to navigate. My husband has always suffered from depression (Bipolar? Borderline personality disorder?) it comes in waves. When we're between flare-ups it's all too easy to just coast along & not focus on it.

We met just after my 21st birthday. That was 25 years ago. For the first 10 years of our relationship we were kind of hippies who can make a lot of money. We spent a lot of time traveling & just being together & with close friends partying. We spent a whole year together 24/7 leading up to our wedding. Not working. Just being together so we know eachother incredibly well. It was the BEST year ever!! Then life hits & so do his mental issues. Mostly his depression is self depricating & around work. I believed that everything was 'perfect' except his career. I stupidly thought that moving to America for a great job opportunity would fix what was wrong. He'd have more respect & perceived success. I encouraged him to get further qualifications. I naively thought that fixing his career would fix his head.

The move left me completely isolated (I didn't have a work visa) & resulted in him spending 12 hours a day working & the rest of the time studying. Basically he spent all day with the woman he worked with & moments with me. The predictable happened & he had an affair with her. This is so against his morality & love that it broke something in his head. He turned into an alien monster I couldn't recognize. His mental health terrified me. He abused me & broke me.

He's tried antidepressants twice in his life & both times he's become a different creature capable of cruelty & betrayal that's never been in his nature.

 

I know I'm rambling about me. I'm sorry. I'm just saying that mental health issues are so incredibly hard. It's changed me as a person. I was a strong, independent, happy, positive, vital woman. Now I'm more broken than he is!! The isolation & pain & abuse I've tolerated are so against my nature. If I'd been on this site in my 20's I'd be telling everyone hurting or betrayed or lonely to get divorced & move onto green pastures. I never understood why a self respecting woman would even think of tolerating this s**t!!

 

There's only so much you can do. Of course push & support but at the end of the day you can destroy yourself in the process. I read somewhere that if a person has mental health issues that make them damaging to you & they don't fight to treat & heal themselves they're like a drinker who beats & womanizes but won't stop drinking! How much can you take?

In my experience people with mental problems spend half the time blaming themselves & then that becomes exhausting so they throw the blame at those closest to them. They build resentment against you for their problems & that offence makes you bitter & resentful. You drift further & further apart.

Have you tried specialist marriage counciling? You need a therapist who has experience dealing with mental health issues. It makes the situation very different. I don't think many therapists know how to differentiate between 'normal' marital issues & those caused by brain sickness. Is he medicated? Many of those meds can drastically change the way his brain processes things.

Until he becomes dedicated to getting better, doing the hard work etc any change will be very temporary. I'm so sorry.

[justme67]

Get a divorce. Things are not going to get substantially better. Don't waste anymore time.

 

 

LOL This made me laugh, so thank you. I have a decent sense of humor and maybe it was meant seriously, but it cracked me up anyway. There are days one does indeed feel like throwing in the towel. But not yet.

[darkmoon]

i know a mentally ill married guy, i feel sorry for his wife who has this albatross of a husband, unshaven, spends time in cafes

[justme67]

I'm so sorry. Mental health issues are so incredibly hard to navigate. My husband has always suffered from depression (Bipolar? Borderline personality disorder?) it comes in waves. When we're between flare-ups it's all too easy to just coast along & not focus on it.

We met just after my 21st birthday. That was 25 years ago. For the first 10 years of our relationship we were kind of hippies who can make a lot of money. We spent a lot of time traveling & just being together & with close friends partying. We spent a whole year together 24/7 leading up to our wedding. Not working. Just being together so we know eachother incredibly well. It was the BEST year ever!! Then life hits & so do his mental issues. Mostly his depression is self depricating & around work. I believed that everything was 'perfect' except his career. I stupidly thought that moving to America for a great job opportunity would fix what was wrong. He'd have more respect & perceived success. I encouraged him to get further qualifications. I naively thought that fixing his career would fix his head.

The move left me completely isolated (I didn't have a work visa) & resulted in him spending 12 hours a day working & the rest of the time studying. Basically he spent all day with the woman he worked with & moments with me. The predictable happened & he had an affair with her. This is so against his morality & love that it broke something in his head. He turned into an alien monster I couldn't recognize. His mental health terrified me. He abused me & broke me.

He's tried antidepressants twice in his life & both times he's become a different creature capable of cruelty & betrayal that's never been in his nature.

 

I know I'm rambling about me. I'm sorry. I'm just saying that mental health issues are so incredibly hard. It's changed me as a person. I was a strong, independent, happy, positive, vital woman. Now I'm more broken than he is!! The isolation & pain & abuse I've tolerated are so against my nature. If I'd been on this site in my 20's I'd be telling everyone hurting or betrayed or lonely to get divorced & move onto green pastures. I never understood why a self respecting woman would even think of tolerating this s**t!!

 

There's only so much you can do. Of course push & support but at the end of the day you can destroy yourself in the process. I read somewhere that if a person has mental health issues that make them damaging to you & they don't fight to treat & heal themselves they're like a drinker who beats & womanizes but won't stop drinking! How much can you take?

In my experience people with mental problems spend half the time blaming themselves & then that becomes exhausting so they throw the blame at those closest to them. They build resentment against you for their problems & that offence makes you bitter & resentful. You drift further & further apart.

Have you tried specialist marriage counciling? You need a therapist who has experience dealing with mental health issues. It makes the situation very different. I don't think many therapists know how to differentiate between 'normal' marital issues & those caused by brain sickness. Is he medicated? Many of those meds can drastically change the way his brain processes things.

Until he becomes dedicated to getting better, doing the hard work etc any change will be very temporary. I'm so sorry.

 

Oh please do not apologize. I appreciate you sharing your story. There is a lot in there I can relate to. It does break one down, yes. It is something the one who is "ill" can not really see clearly or well. My husband used to have a high stress job and I also used to think a different job would fix his stress. I learned it would not. He literally looks for things to worry about if he doesn't have anything to. I do often think if I knew then what I know now. I did not know this going into the marriage. My husband says nothing is perfect and everyone has issues. True, but the motivation to work on the issues is the key there. He is not taking medication, he refuses. He tried it once or twice in the past, for all of a month. He felt "flat" and it didn't help him in the bedroom (though now he gets nothing anyway, would be a good time to try, lol). I also think taking medications is part of his health anxiety. He was told he has a bit of a fatty liver. Very slight. Blood tests come back perfectly normal and the amount he has can be caused by high cholesterol. But he also heard that medications can tax the liver, so he suffers and complaints alot and avoids medications for many things. It's his fear. Anyway, so nope, no medication. He even skips his high blood pressure and cholesterol meds every few days to "give his liver a break." He doesn't drink, any issues he has are very benign. He keeps saying he is suffering from something very bad and serious. I keep telling him well, he is still here...(he is 51). Anyway, so therapy is the only thing he will do right now. I agree with the marriage counselor having some experience with mental illnesses. Good point.

 

Your reply was very helpful, thank you. I am sorry you have struggled with issues in your marriage even more than my husband has as of yet. It could get worse, who knows. But I have a limit now, boundaries. So I doubt it will because i won't let it. I won't stay in a situation I feel I can't cope in. That isn't healthy.

[ShatteredLady]

Have you babied him & taken over responsibilities in the past because of his 'illness'? Does he like the patient, victim role in life? Does he feel that he's keeping you by needing you so much because he's at 'deaths door'? Both of my kids are very mummyfied. They're the definition of sibling rivalry. My daughter (the baby) realized that her older brother gets lots of attention when he's sick. I've noticed that when my son gets extra attention, difficult homework, computer project etc she's suddenly terribly sick!! Fake cough, asking for the sick bowl & a docs appointment with just me. I hate to compare a grown man to a jealous 5 year old but you know what I'm getting at? When did his problems first start & how did you react? Even the strongest, most independent woman can get nurturing & overly attentive at times like that.

Is there a correlation between your sons issues & your husbands health decline?

 

There are prescription compounded topical medications that don't go through your liver if that's his only reason for not taking meds. Antidepressants typically take 6-8 weeks to be really effective so anything less than that isn't telling him much. It's liver enzyme counts that are the concern but I think you already know that this has moved to hypochondria.

 

All I can really offer is my understanding & support. To change, really change fundamentally as a person takes dedication & strength. It's either a habit or he gets more of the rewards he needs from being the victim patient. Sometimes we don't really process why we're doing something & it can all seem so very real. I'm so sorry. I understand, although your situation is very different, I really do. I'm here if you need to vent. Best wishes. Why does life have to be so bloody hard sometimes? Ugh!!

[Poppyolive]

When is enough?

 

I think you need to have a time line. That's when you feel you have had enough. It's sounds like you're both in a toxic heap. Blame, resentment, anger, on top of other issues. It doesn't sound like you are both on the same page.do you feel your patience has worn thin with his mental health issues? Can you be supportive, yet firm with your boundaries that be needs to get help to work through his issues? Is he doing his part? May he knows you won't leave, therefore not bothering to seek help?

 

Good for you with getting help. Perhaps continue doing this and stopping the couples counseling until you feel stronger? Which let's him fend for himself? It will show how much work he is putting in, when you're not leading the couples counseling. How about taking time for you? He can care for himself. It sounds like you're doing the work of two in this marriage. Cut back.

[truncated]

For what it's worth if he has mental health issues, then I would suggest that he see more than just a therapist. Seeing a doctor may also be helpful.

 

A combination of medical help/therapy can sometimes produce better results than therapy alone.

[autumnnight]

I guess my question on this topic is this:

 

If you replace "mental illness" with cancer, chronic conditions such as lupus, diabetes, congestive heart failure, severe epilepsy, etc......

 

What would the thought process and advice be then?

 

Why is someone who through no fault of their own has a biological and chemical condition such as Depression or Bipolar an "albatross", but a person with breast cancer or lupus or MS not......

[ShatteredLady]

Because people with cancer try to help themselves & get medical care. They don't typically blame their cancer on you & make you feel like a pile of s**t for making them suffer.

[ShatteredLady]

I first posted here because of my chronic pain, degenerative spine, scars, serious health issues at a young age. Believe me...it's not that different when it's very real health issues. Most still jump to 'not compatible', 'deserve happiness'.

 

The OP is looking for help. There are very good aspects of her marriage. I think she wants to fix not dump.

[truncated]

I guess my question on this topic is this:

 

If you replace "mental illness" with cancer, chronic conditions such as lupus, diabetes, congestive heart failure, severe epilepsy, etc......

 

What would the thought process and advice be then?

 

Why is someone who through no fault of their own has a biological and chemical condition such as Depression or Bipolar an "albatross", but a person with breast cancer or lupus or MS not......

 

Sadly, to some people, they are

[truncated]

op,

 

I would also suggest that you see if there is a support group in your area for spouses of those with mental illness. It can help so much talking to someone who understands.

 

Sometimes just letting it out and being able to express your pain, frustration and anger can really make a difference. They can also share ideas and lessons learned about loving someone who is mentally ill.

[Clockwork]

First off, the most underrated person in this whole thing is the caregiver, the person on the receiving end of the depression. That's tough and very little attention gets given to that person, or credit.

 

 

I was with a girl who was depressed. She had suicidal moments. I was there for her but I couldn't handle her personality. She brought you down, her mood would go throughout the entire room and as uplifting as you tried to be it never worked. I realized right then that this was going to be my life if I stayed with her and I wanted to be a husband someday, not a permanent psychiatrist.

 

 

I made the right decision no doubt, but I feel for the ones in a marriage that are trapped with people like this. I feel worse for them than the ones suffering the depression.

[Got it]

OP - I understand and dealt with similar. I got to a point where I was tired of asking, nagging, and pleading. I set a timeline with specific requirements I needed and I stepped back, after asking once, and waited to see what happened. When nothing changed I realized that why am I trying so hard to change him? He is who he is. It isn't his fault it isn't working for me just like it isn't my fault that it doesn't work for me. It is a square peg round hole issue and I just finally dropped my end of the rope and stopped the tug of war.

 

I did choose to divorce but the best lesson I learned in it is people are who they are. We need to see if we can accept that for ourselves and be at peace with it or not and move things in another direction for our best interest. But banging one's head against the wall trying to get someone to change themselves where it is evident they aren't inclined to want to do so for themselves is a lesson in futility.

[Vercetti]

When my ex wife gave me that not happy for years blah blah and wanted me to be something I'm not, she became my ex wife. Really years and not a single write up...I'm supposed to change into a butterfly fantasy cause I was being lead on for a decade. All the issues you two have will not be issues for new people. Who is at fault does not matter. You have not been happy, then on his side just finding out that fact...he has to sort out the happy times of the relationship were a lie. At least that's what it was like for me, oh car / house / savings / investments / child / holidays / building a life / not cheating....we're all unhappy false times.....Roger that BYE.

[Diezel]

Get a divorce. Things are not going to get substantially better. Don't waste anymore time.

 

This, a million times this.

 

I get it, "marriage is work" but this sounds like too much work. Life is too short to have to spend most of it in a relationship like this. I didn't even get halfway through the OP and scrolled down. If it's too much work for me to even read all of it, I can't imagine what it's like to live it.

 

Sometimes people just need to quit before it's too late.

[Siquijor]

i know a mentally ill married guy, i feel sorry for his wife who has this albatross of a husband, unshaven, spends time in cafes

 

 

Hey!

 

 

For your information I had a shave this morning.

 

 

I'm upgrading to restaurants!