ABCDE12345 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 I've been married for over 20 years. My wife and I have no children. She never had a job the whole time we've been married. She's lazy and angry all the time. I know I enabled her and let years go by without dealing with our issues. I wanted to divorce her but she begged me to stay and told me she would change. Financially we are a mess so I can't afford to divorce her now but I can't really afford to keep her either. My wife is slowly taking steps to be a better person but I'm still not attracted to her anymore. I met a great woman who I had an affair with. She is everything that my wife isn't. She is pretty, independent, smart, fun, and financially responsible. She and I have remained friends after we ended the affair. We get together a couple times a month to talk and that's it. She is dating around but I think she still has feelings for me and of course I care about her a lot as well. I don't know what I really should do from now on. I'd rather have the woman I love (which isn't my wife) as just my friend than to not have her at all. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Why did the affair end? Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 you have no children- what's so hard about leaving. North American are welfare Nations!! Both of you can bounce back easily.. you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think you should Go be with the one you love! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 My answer isn't about your question regarding your mistress... But as far as your wife goes, you are already supporting her now. You will probably need to financially support her to some degree if you get divorced, yes, but it can't be more than now. And the faster you act the less time you may be responsible for. With no children, if she remarries you may be off the hook altogether. If she finds out about the affair, then she can ask for a divorce and probably get more money out of you, since you are the at fault party. You may want to talk to a lawyer and find out what the best steps are for your financially to get out of this mess. Because why would you want to continue to live with a wife who you feel so much hatred for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 You're not happy, your wife is not happy and this woman you had an affair with still has feelings for you. I think you know the answer, man up, divorce and let your wife find happiness, you establish a normal relationship with this mistress and go from there. Finance is a weak argument for keeping three people miserable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ABCDE12345 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Why did the affair end? The affair ended because I felt guilty for how I treated her. She deserves to be with a man that will be there for her and being a married man I can't be that person she deserves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Does your wife know that you've been unfaithful? I'm not completely buying 'The other woman deserved better'. Did you decide to work on your marriage? Why aren't YOU working on it rather than obsessing on other options? Man-up already!!!! In or out....just STOP 'shaking it all about'...REALLY? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Keep contact with your lady friend. She may want the same as you. You must talk to her if you want the opportunity to be with her in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 You're playing with fire, hanging out with your ex-mistress. It sounds to me like you want the affair to start back up. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 . I'd rather have the woman I love (which isn't my wife) as just my friend than to not have her at all. It's bad enough you are lying to yourself, but don't lie to us. You want your mistress back. That's fine, but man up, divorce your wife, get out of your unhappy marriage & fix the mess you created. Sitting there & staying in an unhappy marriage where all you want is another person isn't helping anybody, you included but you are the one who has to change it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 It's selfish to be friends with her because a friendship will keep her from moving on to someone who is available. If her emotions are wrapped up in you, they won't be open to other options. That's unfair to her. If you truly have her best interests at heart, let her go completely. Get a therapist instead. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ABCDE12345 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Does your wife know that you've been unfaithful? I'm not completely buying 'The other woman deserved better'. Did you decide to work on your marriage? Why aren't YOU working on it rather than obsessing on other options? Man-up already!!!! In or out....just STOP 'shaking it all about'...REALLY? I have not told my wife about the mistress. But I think she knows that I've cheated on her. My wife is a lot older than me and hasn't done much with her life. All she seems to care about is having the title of being someone's wife and having money to spend. I tried working on the marriage for the last 5 years but it seems like nothing worked. Then I cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 If she's such a terrible wife & person why are you still married to her? Why did you marry her in the first place? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ABCDE12345 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 If she's such a terrible wife & person why are you still married to her? Why did you marry her in the first place? This is my second marriage and it's her second marriage as well. We told each other when we got married that we would make this marriage work no matter what. When we got married she was kind and career oriented. After we got married she stopped working, cared more about hanging out with her friends and spending money. I'm torn. I'm obligated to take care of her as her husband. I don't want her to be alone and depressed, which she says she would be if I divorced her. I have 20 years of finances and investments build with her..which she didn't contribute to at all. I know how awful it feels to go through a divorce and the aftermath of it, which I don't want to experience again either. But I also don't want my next 20 years of life to be as messed up as my last 20 years. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 So she didn't bring any money, investments to the table 20 years ago. You've been telling her for 20 years that you're not happy with her not working but she refuses to get a job? You've never been happy about supporting her. You don't believe in having a stay at home wife. You've always told her this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ABCDE12345 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 So she didn't bring any money, investments to the table 20 years ago. You've been telling her for 20 years that you're not happy with her not working but she refuses to get a job? You've never been happy about supporting her. You don't believe in having a stay at home wife. You've always told her this? No she did not bring any money or investments to the table 20 years ago. I would ask her constantly for years to get a job, volunteer, or do something other than be at home or hang out with her friends. Yes she would refuse to get a job and say she didn't have any skills and no one would want to hire her anyways. I think a stay at home wife is great if she was taking care of children, which we had none of, if she was managing the finances at home well, which she didn't, or was a productive member of the community by giving back some how, which she hasn't been. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Then I come back to the question...Why stay married if you have such distain for her? She must be feeling it & it must be effecting her in many negative ways. Why not set her free rather than disrespecting her in this way? You're allowing your self to pull further & further away. She must be feeling this & getting more & more depressed. You have nothing positive to say about this woman you've spent 20 years of your life with. You say she's working to change. Put her out of her misery already. If you wait to have another safe bed lined-up you will be the bad guy. It will be all about the affair. Nothing else you say will hold any water if you divorce because of adultery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 You're lucky xOW wants to be your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 My wife is slowly taking steps to be a better person but I'm still not attracted to her anymore. Why don't you focus on the bolded, instead of being resentful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ABCDE12345 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Why don't you focus on the bolded, instead of being resentful. Even though she's trying to be a better person, she's not a better wife. She still spends a lot of money and she uses the excuse that she's too old to get a job now. I really should just divorce her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Seems to me this is a thread all about "The horrible, nasty parasitic wife that made me cheat... She is just so, so terrible, don't you all agree? I really deserve to keep my mistress in tow, its only fair surely?..." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Why on earth did you marry such a terrible human being without any redeeming qualities? Wow! Your wedding day must of been the worst day of your life. I can picture you being dragged kicking & screaming into the church where they slapped the chains on at gun point. 20 years of this hell on earth!! You deserve 20 mistresses to wreck the lives of. 1 for every year you so selflessly tolerated that harpy. You're such a man! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Seems to me this is a thread all about "The horrible, nasty parasitic wife that made me cheat... She is just so, so terrible, don't you all agree? I really deserve to keep my mistress in tow, its only fair surely?..." yes, quite the version that is precise and true. I'm sure the wife would have her version as well. We don't know her side and because of that , I cannot support a poster who justifies cheating all for the sake of true wub. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Even though she's trying to be a better person, she's not a better wife. She still spends a lot of money and she uses the excuse that she's too old to get a job now. I really should just divorce her. If you did, I bet she would get a job then. Link to post Share on other sites
Panda9080 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 If your marriage is that dysfunctional as you said, be brave and divorce your wife. Both she and you will have another chance to live happily for the remaining years. Maintaining the status quote may be less painful now, but it destroys both of you gradually. You don't want to have that regret on your dead bed. I believe you know your answer, you just need a affirmation and nerves to take the big decision. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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