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isthislove35

My husband makes a very good living. We got married a year ago. I also make good money. But, since he's been married twice before -- and gone through 2 ugly divorces - I see that he handles finances in an extreme way.

 

First, we share accounts - however, he went to his bank and had me put on the account, but with fewer rights than he him. Basically, he says he doesn't want to lose his perks -- so he is going to be the senior person on the account and he just added me as a user.

 

I have a cash card and checks. But, he has yet to give me online access etc. The cash card has a daily limit of 250. Of course, if I wanted to write a check for the whole balance, I'm sure I could... but the principal of this really bothers me.

We have fought a lot about it and I'm just done fighting.

 

Anyway, he makes about 75 grand more than I do a year and he likes to point that out. I have my own business, so my checks come without taxes taken out. I have about 700 dollars in bills a month. My car, insurance and student loan etc. However, I still owe lawyers from my divorce.

 

Currently he is using all my income to pay off debt. (He took a large line of credit to buy my ring and pay for wedding). I wanted to elope. He wouldn't...said that was embarrassing. So, now he takes all of our checks and puts it toward his debt. He does pay my main bills, but that's it. Meanwhile, he buys 250 dollar jeans and 175 dollar workout watches ...like it's water. He went to the grocery store last night and came home with a 45 dollar piece of meat just for him. Then, he complained about how eating at home was not saving us money.

 

Well, the other night, I asked him if he was putting away money for my income taxes...since I have my own business. He said no. I was astonished. I said what are we going to do at tax time? He said that it made no sense to put that money away because it is better served paying off debt that garnered interest -- right now. I could see his point. But, my gosh - my tax bill is going to be huge!

 

When I questioned him - he told me that I needed to slow down on spending money then. I was stunned. I buy nothing....except I get my hair done monthly etc. And make up ...that's pretty much it. When I asked him to show me -- I saw that on the online bank account - he puts my name next to every little purchase I make. CVS -- clothing ...etc. I asked him why that was...he said just to keep track.

 

Well, I remember from previous stories -- he told me he did that to make sure he didn't get taken to the bank with his last wife. He said that since he had all of those notations, he could prove that she spent __ amount of his money through the marriage and she didn't deserve xyz in a settlement.

 

Needless to say, I'm feeling trapped and nervous right now. He will blow up and threaten the marriage if I suggest that we split accounts. (I've already tried that...and he said "what's the point of being married then...and accused me of being a control freak.)

 

I know money is always tough in marriages -- but am I overreacting to this?

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No, you are underreacting. I am sure others will come along with better advice, but that so would not fly with me. How much is your monthly spend vs. His?

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Other than separating out your business, I'll leave the marital advice to others. Figure out your 1040/State estimateds, or have your accountant do it, then pull that money and get them paid, presuming your tax projections indicate them. No discussion. That's like withholding. The employee has no input in that, other than listing their exemptions. If you're incorporated, and are an employee of the corporation, you should be withheld anyway.

 

Welcome to LS and, in that vein, yup with both myself and my exW owning businesses, that stuff can be a minefield and good luck.

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isthislove35

I have really no idea. I can't get access online. But, when I go to CVS etc..it's for things for both of us....

 

I think he spends WAY more than I do... My monthly "bills" are about 1k? That's everything. His car ...insurance...child support...etc. Is probably at least 3500 and then his mortgage is about 4500.00. He keeps trying to rub my nose in the fact that I owe half of that... because I'm married to him. I had a girlfriend come into town last weekend and he bought ALL Of her drinks and dinners. And then put that on my "tab".... I never wanted that! I told him I thought she was taking advantage...he said he felt bad for her because she's less well off.

 

Mind you he was NEVER like this with me before we were married with my money issues.

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GunslingerRoland

You have to put your foot down. He is being extremely irresponsible with your money and trying to blame it on you. It's not a fair way to have a marriage. Have your cheques put into a separate account if he isn't stopping this.

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Needless to say, I'm feeling trapped and nervous right now. He will blow up and threaten the marriage if I suggest that we split accounts. (I've already tried that...and he said "what's the point of being married then...and accused me of being a control freak.)

 

I know money is always tough in marriages -- but am I overreacting to this?

 

Let him threaten and call you a control freak all he wants. Separate your accounts immediately and do not have him as a signer or co-owner of any of them. Protect your business and your own income. If he calls you a control freak, just stay calm while he has his fit. Observe, don't engage. When he's done just say that this is how you're going to handle your business, tax obligations and finances from now on. Don't consent to being bullied about your own money. If he wants to divorce over this, let him.

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Given his past I can understand his need to track things but the idea that he's using your money to pay his debts is problematic.

 

 

 

 

I think you two need a different system. Perhaps 3 accounts: a household one you contribute to jointly based on your relative incomes & separate accounts for each of you. The mortgage, food & joint things come out of that then the other funds are for your individual expenses. You will have to define what those are, for example do they include car payments etc.

 

 

Either way your present system isn't working & it's eroding your marriage. Its not really about the money as the idea that you are (not) a team

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isthislove35

Well, D0nnivan, we are a team...for HIM. He uses my money and says we are a team...but I am just an expense to him.

 

When I made him go through the expenses the other night...I saw that I have contributed 10k EXTRA (post MY expenses) in the last 2 months. I mentioned that and he agreed...but said that I can't touch that because he's already allocated that money to expenses ...(like credit card etc.)

 

Then...he says that he was never in the hole like this before he met me....insinuating that I am costing him money.

 

The truth is -- I like nice things...but he's used to living on a 600k income. However, he is making less than that half that. Anytime, I suggest we DO NOT buy something...I can see he gets uncomfortable. Then, he eventually buys it...anyway.

 

He wants to go for lunch everyday ...and it's at least a 60 dollar bill. Dinners are at LEAST 80. And I don't eat anything more than a salad usually...he eats steaks and oysters etc.....

 

It's frustrating...because I see where the money is going but he blames me...

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TBH, a couple with over a $.5MM annual income is probably beyond any financial advice online users can provide. There should be professionals involved. Relationship advice, maybe.

 

FWIW, I do know a few mid-level millionaires, business collegues who are also friends, who do use money to control a lot of things, including their families. That's just how some men are. If this guy is like that, he is. He's not going to change. His track record with marriage and divorce is out there to be examined for consistency. If consistent, what you see is what you get. The money as control guys hook people with their wealth then own them with it. Don't know if that's the case with your H but the signs are pointing to examining it.

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isthislove35

I think he absolutely uses money to control me. Absolutely.

 

I have another checking account that I had before marriage and it had a couple of hundred dollars in there... well, I used it in a pinch one day when I forgot my debit card. He flipped out and demanded he have all the details of these accounts...

 

He was stunned that I had a "secret" account...well he knew I had the account..he just was angry that I had a couple of hundred bucks in there that he didn't know about...

 

 

And the OTHER thing he wants to do ...is incorporate MY business -- with HIS name too...he says it's better for tax reasons. I am very worried because he wants me to sit down with HIS accountant...and go through this...

 

I truly do not want his name on my business....(given his behavior).

 

In my previous marriage - this NEVER became an issue. NEVER. But, now I am seriously considering having a separate account and putting money in there... and not telling him about some of my paychecks....

 

It may be the only way I can live without being controlled...100 percent.

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OP, your husband is driving you to financial ruin, he engages in sex talk with Brazilian Wax Woman and bickers about whether he's fat or not. It’s starting to make sense why he’s had two “ugly” divorces already.

 

It’s only been a year. Get out quickly before alimony and debt and tax issues make your own divorce complex and “ugly.” Your anxiety is only going to grow as this goes on.

 

I had an “Oh My God! Who did I marry!?” marriage that was brief but mind-boggling, and my regret was the time I wasted once the writing was on the wall. It happens. I shouldn't have married him. Minimize the damage, dust yourself off and get away from this mess.

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If his income is 1/2 what it was but he's still living his former lifestyle that is his problem. It's unfair for him to take that out on you. I don't know how you get him to understand that & stop the lunches & dinners. Perhaps set up a joint meeting with his / your? financial advisors & bring spread sheets. Maybe they can get him to see that his spending is the problem.

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He has other behavioural traits, I see, because your other current thread speaks about his obsession with his weight, and how he disregards your own input and offers of support.

 

I hate to say it, but you sound like the archetypal 'people-pleaser' - and he is the kind whom you will never, ever succeed in pleasing. So the more efforts YOU make - the more he will need 'pleasing'.

 

You've got yourself into a nasty mess, here.

First if all, I suggest you open a different bank account and transfer payment of your money into that.

Do NOT give him access.

Let him pay his own way.

Frankly, I really think you need to start questioning just what - practically, emotionally and psychologically - YOU are benefiting from, in this marriage. As far as I can tell, precious little.

Except the gradual erosion of your emotional defences and an utter destruction of everything you've made for yourself.

 

You really need to also address your own boundaries, and seek some kind of remedial help or support. Because carry on like this, and you, as you know yourself, will disappear....

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GunslingerRoland

Wait, so you guys make over $300K per year, and he used to make more and he's taking out lines of credit and you guys are living paycheque to paycheque more or less? You guys need to get some financial counseling or something. That is ridiculous, the control issues is one thing, but you should not be in a position even with his child support that you have any struggles with money.

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He's not being fair at all. You either join things up or seperate it, but he's picking and choosing what he wants to share.

 

I suggest seperate accounts, with each paying their own pre - marital debt.

 

Then share the remaining joint expenses in a pro rata fashion. You can't go 50/50 with him because he earns more. So in proportion to your income it may be a 70/30 split on joint expenses.

 

I really don't like the bit about him writing down all your expenses and keeping tabs. Then buying your friend drinks and letting you pay? ??? Seriously. That would totally p**s me off.

 

He's leaving no money for your taxes and when the time comes, he'll leave you to face the music. This is not someone with your best interests at heart in this area.

Be prepared for him to blow up, but stand your ground. If he wants out of the marriage , then let him go. I'm beginning to wonder why he's twice divorced.

 

Stand your ground and don't get bullied by him. Right now he wants everything to be to HIS benefit.

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Sounds like your basic living beyond means, except now he is using your money to do it as well as his.

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I have my own business, so my checks come without taxes taken out. I have about 700 dollars in bills a month. My car, insurance and student loan etc. However, I still owe lawyers from my divorce.

 

Currently he is using all my income to pay off debt.

 

It's pretty easy for you to deposit your checks in any account you choose, including your "secret" one. He can't use your income unless you allow it to happen.

 

And so I'd start there, your check into your account, his into his and then some agreed upon amount into a joint account. Let him bluster all he wants...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Currently he is using all my income to pay off debt. (He took a large line of credit to buy my ring and pay for wedding). I wanted to elope. He wouldn't...said that was embarrassing.

 

Please be honest... were you that put out that he paid for a fancy ring and wedding? Also, why did you not just say "hey, this is excessive, let's just go to Vegas!"

 

I personally don't think it is financially prudent to do such things, but did you try to fight him on this?

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OP needs to get her and her husband's disentangled and in a way which is legally enforceable. The best way to do this would be to let her attorney and her husband's attorney negotiate a division and get that division put into effect by a judge.

 

It's called a divorce, and is really the only way to deal with situations like this.

 

The husband's income may seem large but it's really not. Spending as he is, raiding his wife's income and assets, and hiding all of what he's doing from her all strongly indicate that he is robbing her blind.

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I can understand him limiting your access to his money especially if he's been burnt by his exes in the past.

 

But, you then need control of your money too.

 

Open your own account, deposit your own cheques into your own account, keep your money separate.

 

My wife and I have separate accounts and I do a monthly payment into hers since I earn a lot more than she does. I don't want to control her - I'm not a controlling person - and I don't want her controlling me either.

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isthislove35

It has even gotten to the point he wants to put his name on my company incorporation. He says that's necessary because he doesn't want my ex coming back and asking for child support or alimony or something. He says he wants me to hide all my income by going through his business.

 

Here's what is so strange. I am a hard worker but I have virtually nothing to my name except 40k in retirement. And my ex and I just trusted. I always took care of my things and he did too. I never went into my marriage thinking about divorce.

 

I see that's all my husband does. He is always thinking of himself. He tells me most of his debt is due to his traveling and payments for things for when we dated. So he is blaming me saying that's part of my responsibility because it was the sacrifice he made for me.

 

Honestly he got me an enormous ring and I begged him not to go into debt. But he did it because he said that he didn't want his colleagues to see me with an inferior ring. He runs in those kinds of circles

 

I am now starting to get clients who are men and he is constantly saying things like... Oh is that the millionaire you are going to run off with? He's super jealous. I have even avoided going to meetings for biz w men because I knew he would think the worse. So I almost only target women now.

 

As for getting married. He wanted to just live together (engaged) and combine accounts etc. I said I can't just live with him without marriage because of my children. I feel it's improper morally. So he then insisted on the pricey wedding. I actually suggested eloping. He said no because of his family.

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It has even gotten to the point he wants to put his name on my company incorporation. He says that's necessary because he doesn't want my ex coming back and asking for child support or alimony or something. He says he wants me to hide all my income by going through his business.

 

Here's what is so strange. I am a hard worker but I have virtually nothing to my name except 40k in retirement. And my ex and I just trusted. I always took care of my things and he did too. I never went into my marriage thinking about divorce.

 

I see that's all my husband does. He is always thinking of himself. He tells me most of his debt is due to his traveling and payments for things for when we dated. So he is blaming me saying that's part of my responsibility because it was the sacrifice he made for me.

 

Honestly he got me an enormous ring and I begged him not to go into debt. But he did it because he said that he didn't want his colleagues to see me with an inferior ring. He runs in those kinds of circles

 

I am now starting to get clients who are men and he is constantly saying things like... Oh is that the millionaire you are going to run off with? He's super jealous. I have even avoided going to meetings for biz w men because I knew he would think the worse. So I almost only target women now.

 

As for getting married. He wanted to just live together (engaged) and combine accounts etc. I said I can't just live with him without marriage because of my children. I feel it's improper morally. So he then insisted on the pricey wedding. I actually suggested eloping. He said no because of his family.

 

Honestly?

You need to read your posts and advise the poster accordingly (as if you were a stranger to her) and I know precisely what you would say:

 

"You're insane! How on earth are you even considering spending one more day in the presence of this man?! He doesn't want to control you - he doesn't even want to own you - He wants to entirely consume every last atom of you, and annihilate you by invading your every point of existence!"

 

Wouldn't you....?

 

Because I'm pretty much telling you that myself.

 

You must - absolutely MUST - make immediate contingency plans to extricate yourself from this marriage at all costs, in all events and as soon as possible.

And if you act quickly and promptly, the 'all costs' won't include your sanity, well-being, future or security.

 

But you MUST act - and act now.

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My husband makes a very good living. We got married a year ago. I also make good money. But, since he's been married twice before -- and gone through 2 ugly divorces - I see that he handles finances in an extreme way.

 

First, we share accounts - however, he went to his bank and had me put on the account, but with fewer rights than he him. Basically, he says he doesn't want to lose his perks -- so he is going to be the senior person on the account and he just added me as a user.

 

I have a cash card and checks. But, he has yet to give me online access etc. The cash card has a daily limit of 250. Of course, if I wanted to write a check for the whole balance, I'm sure I could... but the principal of this really bothers me.

We have fought a lot about it and I'm just done fighting.

 

Anyway, he makes about 75 grand more than I do a year and he likes to point that out. I have my own business, so my checks come without taxes taken out. I have about 700 dollars in bills a month. My car, insurance and student loan etc. However, I still owe lawyers from my divorce.

 

Currently he is using all my income to pay off debt. (He took a large line of credit to buy my ring and pay for wedding). I wanted to elope. He wouldn't...said that was embarrassing. So, now he takes all of our checks and puts it toward his debt. He does pay my main bills, but that's it. Meanwhile, he buys 250 dollar jeans and 175 dollar workout watches ...like it's water. He went to the grocery store last night and came home with a 45 dollar piece of meat just for him. Then, he complained about how eating at home was not saving us money.

 

Well, the other night, I asked him if he was putting away money for my income taxes...since I have my own business. He said no. I was astonished. I said what are we going to do at tax time? He said that it made no sense to put that money away because it is better served paying off debt that garnered interest -- right now. I could see his point. But, my gosh - my tax bill is going to be huge!

 

When I questioned him - he told me that I needed to slow down on spending money then. I was stunned. I buy nothing....except I get my hair done monthly etc. And make up ...that's pretty much it. When I asked him to show me -- I saw that on the online bank account - he puts my name next to every little purchase I make. CVS -- clothing ...etc. I asked him why that was...he said just to keep track.

 

Well, I remember from previous stories -- he told me he did that to make sure he didn't get taken to the bank with his last wife. He said that since he had all of those notations, he could prove that she spent __ amount of his money through the marriage and she didn't deserve xyz in a settlement.

 

Needless to say, I'm feeling trapped and nervous right now. He will blow up and threaten the marriage if I suggest that we split accounts. (I've already tried that...and he said "what's the point of being married then...and accused me of being a control freak.)

 

I know money is always tough in marriages -- but am I overreacting to this?

 

I'd be separating my money from his today.

 

Keep your business money separate. Set aside the money for your taxes.

 

He shouldn't be using your business money as his personal money dispenser.

 

He won't like the change. Tough! He can spend his own money on frivolous purchases.

 

If you don't look out for your best interest, he may end up spending ALL your money and more.

 

Do not put his name on your company! He intends to become an owner. Protect yourself from him. He looks like he could potentially leave you broke.

 

Set up strict boundaries. He will be mad. It doesn't matter! Let him be mad all he wants but you need to be business smart!!

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And the OTHER thing he wants to do ...is incorporate MY business -- with HIS name too...he says it's better for tax reasons. I am very worried because he wants me to sit down with HIS accountant...and go through this...

 

Don't you dare do this, as a business owner myself of a couple of corporations I assure you that you will lose ALL premarital equity in your business and it will become his too...

 

Business's should always remain separate.. always....

 

Get an accountant/attorney to help you draw up the corporation papers and make sure he kept 100% out of it...

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