boni8487 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Hello, I am new here, but have read this forum for a little while now. I have decided to post something that has happened recently that I have found to be very difficult for me to deal with. This really has about three parts. First, I recently found out that my wife has a male friend that she has been seeing. She lied to me when she would go see him. She would say she is seeing a female friend of hers. She claims that this guy is just a friend. I do not have a problem with her having a friend that is a guy, but the problem I have is that she chose to lie to me about it. She told me that she lied to me because she felt like I would not approve. I think this is placing the blame onto me and is not fair. Should I be upset about it? Secondly, she went out and got a new job without telling me that she wanted a new job or was even looking. Without going into too much detail, this new job will change things within our lives and our kids lives. Also this job pays significantly less that her old job. When I asked her why she hid that she was looking for a new job from me, she told me that I would have just talked her out of it and would not have supported her. I feel like even if I did not support the decision she could have at least told me before she took the job. I feel really hurt and deceived about this. Am I wrong in feeling this way? Thirdly, we have been having some marital problems for a while, so we decided to go to marriage counseling. She had a counselor in mind. I asked her several times how she knew this counselor and just trying to get information about her. Her responses were vague and finally she just got angry, which led to a long argument. I still did now really know much and we made an appointment. During the session, I discovered that my wife and the counselor knew each other. Once again, I felt deceived and that important information was being held from me. I have been dealing with this for many weeks now. It is all very confusing to me and hard to understand. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Honestly, yes I think you are justified in feeling upset and concerned about what is going. It sounds like there is a huge disconnect between you and your wife, and you need to get to the bottom of it. I think marriage counseling is a great idea. If you feel uncomfortable with the fact your wife and the counselor know each other, perhaps you could consider changing counselor. However, if the appointment went well and you felt it was beneficial then I think you should keep going. As hard as it might be right now, try and keep the lines of communication open with your wife. I'm sorry you are going through this tough time. All the best 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dental Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 She keeps you out off the loop in mayor decisions in her and your life. Purposefully. What does that say basically? Your not important to her. Make your own decisions based on this. Decide wisely. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 It is hard to have a relationship without trust. She's continually undermining the trust in your relationship. To me, her actions speak volumes about how she feels about you and the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) The short answer is yes, I'd be upset too. I agree with other members thus far. While it is true that many men and women feel uncomfortable with their SO having a friend of the opposite sex, intentionally lying about where you are going and with whom gives validation to those fears. Harmless, platonic friendships exist and I see no reason to lie unless your activities and desires have a boiling undercurrent with potential for more to develop. The longer I read forums, the more I realize that people assume a lot of security so long as their spouse or SO is going out with same sex friends and the reality is that a lot of those friendships involve much more than meets the eye. One could argue that perhaps your wife felt she had to lie because of your past reactions, but from what you have presented, she does whatever she wants w/o input from you, even when her decisions affect the family and household financial situation. I'm a firm believer that the institution of marriage does not mean you should relinquish your friends, hobbies, etc. You are choosing to share your life with another person and that shouldn't come with a ball and chain tether. However, decisions that affect your relationship and the lives of your children warrant a discussion because those actions now affect the lives of others. Using a counselor that your wife knows on a personal basis could certainly lead to the possibility of biased outcomes or suggestion. Not saying that will happen, but the potential exists. In your shoes, I'd find a counselor and make an appointment and let her know that you feel it's only fair to seek services from a person with no personal connection. *A professional would not engage in biased decisions, so even though your wife knows this counselor, that doesn't mean the counselor is shady or would do anything unethical.* Edited August 16, 2015 by Methodical Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 (edited) I'm going to take a wild guess and say that the male "friend" works at the same place as her new job. It's a little bit more of a stretch, but I also wouldn't be surprised if the counselor-friend is aware that your wife is having an A, and that the two of them are collaborating in gaslighting you. Edited August 16, 2015 by Morro72 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boni8487 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 Thank you for the replies. I have told her how these actions have made me feel and I really don't think she understands or feels like she was justified in what she did. I feel like I've lost all trust. I now suspect everything she does. I don't like living this way. I don't have a problem with her having a male friend. I have a few female friends that she knows about. I am honest about them out of respect to my wife. She met this friend at a yoga class, it's not at her new job. The counselor did say she could stay unbiased, but it just makes me feel awkward and I have some doubts based on a few things that she said during our session. It was also brought to my attention yesterday that she has an account on a dating site. She doesn't know that I know. I'm trying to decide how to bring it up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 It was also brought to my attention yesterday that she has an account on a dating site. She doesn't know that I know. I'm trying to decide how to bring it up to her. Print out a copy of her profile page and hand it to her along with divorce documents. She has all but checked out of the marriage and is looking for a replacement for you. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Trishern Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 Insist on another MC, or refuse this one that she knows. Then raise all the issues you've raised her in MC. Print out her profile page and tell the MC, you have concerns and this (profile page) is just one of them. Why did she take another job, paying less, that impacts on the family without discussion.? is it to give her more time to spend with her male friend? She's lying and trying to pull one over on you and you need to make it clear you will not put up with it, but you are not a fool. She'll have more respect for you if you stand up for yourself. She's either in the marriage or not. A marriage will not work when one person makes such decisions on their own. I knew a woman who would do stuff like this and when her H complained, she just said, you wouldn't have agreed with it, or you wouldn't have let me buy it. So her answer was to do things and tell him later. She also took a demotion at work, without discussion. They are now divorced! Mrs T 3 Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Thank you for the replies. I have told her how these actions have made me feel and I really don't think she understands or feels like she was justified in what she did. I feel like I've lost all trust. I now suspect everything she does. I don't like living this way. I don't have a problem with her having a male friend. I have a few female friends that she knows about. I am honest about them out of respect to my wife. She met this friend at a yoga class, it's not at her new job. The counselor did say she could stay unbiased, but it just makes me feel awkward and I have some doubts based on a few things that she said during our session. It was also brought to my attention yesterday that she has an account on a dating site. She doesn't know that I know. I'm trying to decide how to bring it up to her. I was really hopeful that the fact your wife wanted to get marriage counseling was a good sign but now it seems as dodgy as her online dating account. I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that you may not be able to fix this. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Print out a copy of her profile page and hand it to her along with divorce documents. She has all but checked out of the marriage and is looking for a replacement for you. OP: I was going to answer your original questions but the dating site profile revelation just trumps things. What CarrieT said. Your wife doesn't respect you to such an extent that she's out trolling in the internet for the next Mr. Right. Only way to deal with this is to snap her head around and that would be by doing a 180 and probably filing for divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boni8487 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 I was somewhat hopeful too. I have been distant and we really have not been talking much since I discovered these things. The dating site is a very recent development. I really feel like this is the end now. I don't think I can ever trust her again. I am an understanding person, but I can only put up with so much. I also have another situation that maybe I can get some help with too. So her birthday was about three months ago. She has claimed recently that I did not do anything for her to make her feel special and that her male friend took her to dinner and got her a present. She told me how great that was that he did that for her. This was one of the times she was lying to me. For some reason I just took it and doubted that I really did do anything for her. But then I remembered that I also took her to dinner and we went to a place and had cheesecake after and just relaxed for a while. I also got her a present, which she really did not like. I thought she'd like it, but I made a mistake. I brought this to her attention of what I did for her, she did apologize through text and said she remembered now. I told her that it really hurts me a lot that she did not even remember and that she remembered what her friend did. It is like he was being put on a pedestal and I was made to look bad. I really did not see any remorse in her eyes when we were talking about it. She talked to her counselor friend and was told that she sees me as an extension of herself, so what I did was just expected and not seen as a big deal. She does not see her friend the same way so what he did seemed more important. So I feel like in her mind it justified when she was demeaning me about what I did. It was all very hard for me to take. Still feel confused by it. Any help is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Simply put, your wife is cheating on u and the MC is a waste of time. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) She talked to her counselor friend and was told that she sees me as an extension of herself, so what I did was just expected and not seen as a big deal. She does not see her friend the same way so what he did seemed more important. So I feel like in her mind it justified when she was demeaning me about what I did. It was all very hard for me to take. Still feel confused by it. Any help is appreciated. You want to save your marriage then this affair must be exposed. NC letter to the OM, written by WW, approved and sent by you. Also NC with this enabling counselor friend. Also the change of jobs smells. Bi pay cut, why? Did WW work with the OM and they found out about the affair? Did WW take the new job to be where OM works? Edited August 17, 2015 by road Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 It is my understanding (if you're in the US) that it is considered unethical and potentially could cost the counselor her license to engage in MC with a "friend or acquaintance". You might want to check into this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 You need to see a lawyer. How do you protect your assets and credit? Are you in a fault or no fault state? Given your finances how would a property/debt division work out? What is involved in your state if divorce proceedings happen? What are fees and costs if uncontested versus contested? Seeing an attorney does not mean you will get divorced. But it may relieve some of the fear and mystery about it. From what you have written, you are not really a couple at this time And, if,ere are children, ask,about custody, support and visitation. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 I recently found out that my wife has a male friend that she has been seeing. She lied to me when she would go see him. She would say she is seeing a female friend of hers. It was also brought to my attention yesterday that she has an account on a dating site. So her birthday was about three months ago. She has claimed recently that I did not do anything for her to make her feel special and that her male friend took her to dinner and got her a present. She told me how great that was that he did that for her. This was one of the times she was lying to me. In summary, she is on a dating site because wants to date other men. She is has been secretly seeing another man for months, including going to dinner with him, which is consistent with her desire to date other men. Dating other men while married is cheating. Their is no vagueness about this. The change of jobs may have been to lower her income to up her alimony in a divorce settlement, or to be nearer to this or some other man. Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 I was somewhat hopeful too. I have been distant and we really have not been talking much since I discovered these things. The dating site is a very recent development. I really feel like this is the end now. I don't think I can ever trust her again. I am an understanding person, but I can only put up with so much. I also have another situation that maybe I can get some help with too. So her birthday was about three months ago. She has claimed recently that I did not do anything for her to make her feel special and that her male friend took her to dinner and got her a present. She told me how great that was that he did that for her. This was one of the times she was lying to me. For some reason I just took it and doubted that I really did do anything for her. But then I remembered that I also took her to dinner and we went to a place and had cheesecake after and just relaxed for a while. I also got her a present, which she really did not like. I thought she'd like it, but I made a mistake. I brought this to her attention of what I did for her, she did apologize through text and said she remembered now. I told her that it really hurts me a lot that she did not even remember and that she remembered what her friend did. It is like he was being put on a pedestal and I was made to look bad. I really did not see any remorse in her eyes when we were talking about it. She talked to her counselor friend and was told that she sees me as an extension of herself, so what I did was just expected and not seen as a big deal. She does not see her friend the same way so what he did seemed more important. So I feel like in her mind it justified when she was demeaning me about what I did. It was all very hard for me to take. Still feel confused by it. Any help is appreciated. In all honesty I do not trust this counselor at all. Like you said, she basically gave your wife a free pass and didn't look at it from your point of view which is extremely biased and unethical in my opinion. Please don't make another appointment with her. It seems really sketchy! It keeps getting worse the more information you provide. It must be so tough trying to do the right thing in this situation. What I can say is that in a good healthy relationship partners appreciate kind gestures, even something like a gift you don't like. It's the thought and love behind it that matters. She sounds like she has checked out o the relationship and is looking for excuses to blame it all on you. That is selfish and unfair. You deserve better than this from the woman you married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author boni8487 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 Thanks for the replies. I feel that she has become very selfish the last few years. She has surrounded herself with enablers. We were separated at one time and I made the effort to get us back together. Now I have my doubts that she has the same level of commitment as I do. Unfortunately there are two young kids involved. I didn't sign up for this stuff. I feel like I deserve to be treated better than this. I haven't been perfect in this relationship, but I have never lied to her or deceived her. The only thing that she can come up with is that I don't take her out very often and make her feel special. Which is probably true that I don't take her out, but I am good to her in many other ways. I help around the house and with the kids. I am responsible and a stable person that doesn't ask for anything. Just always wanted to come home after work and spend time with my family. But that's become difficult to do lately. I don't think I can stay here much longer. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 why people vent yet will not answer questions so a plan of action can be made Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 The job change with payment is a concern of mine. Is she being (poorly) advised that if she earns below a certain amount she'll get spousal support if here is a divorce or more child support? Unless she hated the job or broke up with UM who works there, why leave higher pay for lower pay? If you can afford it, you may want to hire a PI to check out what happens after yoga class. Unless yoga an is 100 percent gay, he's at least dating her. I'd think about seeing an attorney if I were in your position as divorce doesn't seem impossible. You'd,learn your rights, about the process,,etc. knowledge means less fear of the unknown. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Married women join dating sites for the same reason married men join them, to cheat or find your replacement. Fire the councillor and find one you both agree on. It is better to know the truth now than waste years of time on a bad situation. Ask her why she is on a dating site after you install a keylogger. Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Does she realize that she is married? She is definitely in the wrong. How would she feel if the tables were flipped? Because she is lying to you and withholding information that is justification for doing more digging. I would not be so sure she isn't cheating on you. I personally do not think marriage and male friends are possible unless he is gay. So many times this leads to an affair. So the fact that she withheld information from you raises a big red flag. If she wants to stay married I think she ought to start acting like it. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 You need to step back and reread what you have written my friend. Married woman do not just go off and do things ALONE with other men. This nonsense about having male friends is just that. Yes she can have male friends that she knows on a casual basis, but not male friends that you do not know and who you never get to go along also with. That is not a friend, that is a boyfriend, especially if she makes a point of making sure you are not included. And married women do NOT join dating sites for the hell of it. So I suggest you stop ducking your head in the sand and realize what you are dealing with here, and that is a spouse whop has probably already cheated on you or who is going to shortly. You can find exactly what she is doing by putting a VAR in her car and in probably 24 hours you will know what is going on. Your current path is going to be unpleasant Link to post Share on other sites
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