Newlywed and husband has no sex drive anymore

[tme0]

I've been married for 3 months. I'm 23 and my husband is 26. We dated 3 years before getting married.

In the beginning, once we began having sex, he was insatiable. I'd turn him down sometimes, because his libido was so much higher than mine. (Not to mention I was a virgin before him, so all of this was new to me. He was not a virgin)

Shortly after becoming engaged, he started losing interest in sex. By this time, I was a huge fan of sex. I became the one to always initiate. However, he often declined. (I made a post about this back then.)

 

He'd tell me it was because his job (he worked crazy long hour)...he got a steady 8-5 job..nothing changed.

He'd tell me it was because sometimes he would get in the mood but remember he'd have to go all the way to the room to get a condom, so it dampened the mood and he'd just forget about it... I have been on birth control for awhile now...still no changes.

He'd tell me I wouldn't tell him what's bothering me sometimes, and that he felt distanced from me so that caused him not to want to...I tell him everything on my mind now and then some...still nothing.

He'd tell me I'd come on to him at the wrong times, so I asked him when does he feel in the mood?... I come on to him then....still no.

 

So basically, I call bs on every 'excuse' he's given me.

 

Now we've been married a couple months. On our honeymoon...the old him was back. He was insatiable. He wanted it all the time. It was amazing. Full of passion just like in the beginning. We get back and........gone back to how it was.....

 

This really bothers me and I've talked to him about it so many times. It's gotten tot he point where I don't care to initiate anymore. I know it's probably going to be a no. Pretty much whenever he says no, I tear up. I try to get up and go to another room so he doesn't see...but he does sometimes. He says he doesn't like how it upsets me so much, that I appear "desperate" for sex. I am in no way shape or form desperate for sex. It's not even the sex I want. It's the intimacy and the connection with my husband. Whenever I think about initiating, I get really antsy and panicky that he's going to say no... and whenw e do have sex I don't fully enjoy it because I'm worried he's only doing it because it's been awhile and he's said no the past few times

 

We used to sit on the couch and make out for hours. Now we NEVER make out. A peck hello and goodbye and a hug is the extent of our affection. Hand holding sometimes when we're out.

 

He used to perform oral on me ALL the time. We'd be sitting on the couch watching a movie and he'd just get up and start going to town. He did this all the time. Last time I got it was on our honeymoon. Time before that was probably a year prior. He's the only guy that's ever done that for me and I really loved it (obviously). I've asked him what happened to it, that I miss it and he says "I miss it too."

WHAT?! That makes no sense...he's the one not doing it.

And yes, I would do oral for him too. Lately, no though. A few months ago, I began doing it again for him but stopped. I know it sounds bad, but I'm not going to do that all the time for him if he never reciprocates.

 

It really hurts me because to me, sex gives me the intimacy and connection I need. I have brought this up to him multiple times. I've told him I don't feel close, I don't feel loved..nothing changes.

 

I work out daily, am always making sure I am clean and smell good, I dress nice, I take care of the house and responsibilities, I cook everyday and make sure he has a lunch packed to take to work. I feel like I do about as much as I can to make him happy and comfortable.

 

He plays video games in his free time. I don't mind, but we don't get much time together. He now has a 3rd shift job, so when I get home from work, he is still sleeping. We get about 3 hours at most together before he leaves for work. This, I know, is making things hard for us.

 

When I asked him when he feels horny, he said after he plays video games because he's been really into the game and excited and whatnot....again, don't believe that at all because he is ALWAYS paying video games. If that were true.he'd want sex all the time too...

 

On the weekends when we have time together, he likes to stay up until 3 or 4 am playing online with his friends. I tell him I only get 2 nights a week to go to bed together, but he still decides to play. If I do happen to get him to go to bed with me, it's normally because I've "bribed" him with a backscratch or something.

 

I know this is not painting a great picture and has gotten very long.

He tells me he loves me multiple times a day. Calls me sexy (as in "hey sexy" not "wow you look sexy" and we are very playful and goofy with each other. we laugh together multiple times a day. Just wanted to throw some good things in here too.

 

I'm reading a book I got called "31 days to great Sex" hopefully it works... If things are still unimproved in a couple months, I am going to tell him we need counseling. I can't be like this for the next 60 years... I know he will go, we both agreed if one felt the need for counseling, the other would go as well.

 

Sorry this is so long, I just really need help. I'm tired of the hurt and I've done all I can think of to try to improve this and nothing is working...

Edited August 16, 2015 by tme0

[stillafool]

Wow, that sounds rough especially since you are a newlywed. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Perhaps he misses the chase and you should give it to him by pulling back on your affection. Don't ask for sex anymore let him come to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm reading a book I got called "31 days to great Sex" hopefully it works... If things are still unimproved in a couple months, I am going to tell him we need counseling. I can't be like this for the next 60 years... I know he will go, we both agreed if one felt the need for counseling, the other would go as well.

 

Why wait?

 

There's obviously something going on, I'd want to know sooner rather than later. Sounds like resentment on his part though, based on your description, hard to know why.

 

Knowledge is power...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tme0]

We just talked about it and he said it wasn't me, to not take it personally and that it'd get better. That it was ok.

He said things aren't that great right now - like i mentioned, he's got a 3rd shift job. His job is moving to another state next year so he's got to get a new job because we're not moving. He has car repairs he needs done and the house insurance bill came which is a very large bill. He's also got something else coming up.

 

I know all of these things are stressful... we're married now so all of these things affect me too.. however I'm still up for sex. When things get stressful is not the time to neglect sex. Sex is a stress reliever. What better way to get your mind off things for awhile than to have that intimacy with your partner. I guess I'm the only one that thinks that way though. His idea of stress relieving is hours of video games.

 

And the counseling would have to wait anyways because that is expensive

[Mr. Lucky]

And the counseling would have to wait anyways because that is expensive

 

As compared to the cost of divorcing ???

 

He has car repairs he needs done

 

You're going to accept that he doesn't want to have sex with you because his car needs fixing (amongst other things)?

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

I think I recall your post months ago.

 

People advised you to put up with it or cancel the wedding. You choose to marry him and the problem is still there.

 

I really don't know what you expected. I don't mean to sound unhelpful, but you knew he had a low drive.

 

Is he okay with hugging and cuddling up close?

Kissing you?

 

How about if you put some lingerie on and just went up to him while he's and lead him away? Would he get mad or be okay?

 

I could get away with that anytime except when my husband's team is playing live on TV, so be careful.

 

When he says he misses giving you oral, ask 'then what's stopping you?'

 

Have you tried sending him sexy text messages ?

[tme0]

I think I recall your post months ago.

 

People advised you to put up with it or cancel the wedding. You choose to marry him and the problem is still there.

 

I really don't know what you expected. I don't mean to sound unhelpful, but you knew he had a low drive.

 

Is he okay with hugging and cuddling up close?

Kissing you?

 

How about if you put some lingerie on and just went up to him while he's and lead him away? Would he get mad or be okay?

 

I could get away with that anytime except when my husband's team is playing live on TV, so be careful.

 

When he says he misses giving you oral, ask 'then what's stopping you?'

 

Have you tried sending him sexy text messages ?

 

Yes, he loves to cuddle and when I get home from work if he is still sleeping he will ask me to lay and cuddle with him while he sleeps. If I say no, he'll come over to the living room with me and lay on the couch by me/on my lap.

 

And no, I don't send him dirty texts. With him working 3rd, he's sleeping while I'm away (at work) and I'm sleeping while he's away (at work) and the rest of the time we are together, so...

 

I have worn the lingerie. I actually did last Sunday. He always likes it when I wear lingerie and I've never gotten a no while in lingerie.

 

I don't wear lingerie super often. but I do have a few nighties he likes, that I wear all the time.

 

Last night I went to bed a bit before him, and when he came in he came on to me really strongly. Like if we had been apart for a while and he just had to have me at that moment. So that was nice.

(and just in case anyone is going to say anything about him waking me up for sex...I don't mind, and I've told him I don't mind. I'm more than happy to be pleasantly awakened)

 

Like I mentioned in my original post, there are a lot of things going on right now in our lives and money is extremely tight right now. Everytime I ask him what's on his mind it's always about one of these things about our tight situation, so I know he's concerned about that. He says that's the reason. So I'm going to continue just being how I am now and wait it out. Everything should be sorted with the finances before Christmas, so hopefully we'll have bounced back by then.

If not then I will be finding a marriage counselor as our 'new years resolution' because we are too young for this.

 

And just something I forgot to mention, we do have sex once a week. This whole time I've been unhappy with it, it's always been once a week. Even in the post I made a year ago or whenever. I think once it got to 2 weeks, but it's always once a week at least. There's a couple times it might've been 2 times.

So, it's not like it's once a month or something, so that is good.

 

Just I'd be fine with 3 times a week, or 4, and he's happy with once a week. We just need to find a balance that makes both of us happy.

Edited August 16, 2015 by tme0

[S2B]

Yes, he loves to cuddle and when I get home from work if he is still sleeping he will ask me to lay and cuddle with him while he sleeps. If I say no, he'll come over to the living room with me and lay on the couch by me/on my lap.

 

And no, I don't send him dirty texts. With him working 3rd, he's sleeping while I'm away (at work) and I'm sleeping while he's away (at work) and the rest of the time we are together, so...

 

I have worn the lingerie. I actually did last Sunday. He always likes it when I wear lingerie and I've never gotten a no while in lingerie.

 

I don't wear lingerie super often. but I do have a few nighties he likes, that I wear all the time.

 

Last night I went to bed a bit before him, and when he came in he came on to me really strongly. Like if we had been apart for a while and he just had to have me at that moment. So that was nice.

(and just in case anyone is going to say anything about him waking me up for sex...I don't mind, and I've told him I don't mind. I'm more than happy to be pleasantly awakened)

 

Like I mentioned in my original post, there are a lot of things going on right now in our lives and money is extremely tight right now. Everytime I ask him what's on his mind it's always about one of these things about our tight situation, so I know he's concerned about that. He says that's the reason. So I'm going to continue just being how I am now and wait it out. Everything should be sorted with the finances before Christmas, so hopefully we'll have bounced back by then.

If not then I will be finding a marriage counselor as our 'new years resolution' because we are too young for this.

 

And just something I forgot to mention, we do have sex once a week. This whole time I've been unhappy with it, it's always been once a week. Even in the post I made a year ago or whenever. I think once it got to 2 weeks, but it's always once a week at least. There's a couple times it might've been 2 times.

So, it's not like it's once a month or something, so that is good.

 

Just I'd be fine with 3 times a week, or 4, and he's happy with once a week. We just need to find a balance that makes both of us happy.

 

 

Ok then, why not compromise? Twice a week would be meeting in the middle, no?

[Walters]

Sounds like stress is killing the sex drive. Sometimes when stressed and tired the urge to have sex is still there, however the energy to go through with the act is not.

 

Some facts

 

> When you dress up you have sex

> When away from work (honeymoon) you have sex

 

You don't have sex it seems like stress is causing him to not want to go through the act of sex.

 

If your initiating sex during the same times everyday, it may be a point where he is too tired. Try doing it during random times, if that does not work maybe you have to fix the stress issue somehow.

 

This may not be the issue, but it does sound like it could be,

[Qboro90]

It seems like his mind is definitely stressed out about work and finances that you guys have going on. Perhaps he feels that he's made it clear that these things worry him and he's trying to find ways to sort them all out and then he has to come home and hear you tell him you're unhappy with the sex life between you two. Might be a little bit of him subconsciously rejecting you because he's annoyed that he's trying to support you both and you're getting on him about sex. I could be wrong just trying to offer another way of looking at it from his view.

 

Do you work? Would you be open to looking for a job/career so that it's not all on him? Might make the financial worries lessen and therefore he will have less stress and more eagerness to be intimate.

 

Definitely want to caution you on using the " well he's not doing it to me so why should I go down on him" tactic so early on in your marriage. Being spiteful and using sex as a weapon will only lead to more problems. When hes playing video games why don't you go over to him and just go down on him. Tell him he doesn't have to stop playing the game either. Pretty sure that is a guy's dream to play video games while getting head so if he turns that down I would call him out on it. " seriously. You're turning down a bj while playing video games? Ask the 15 yo you're playing against if he thinks that's normal?"

[tme0]

It seems like his mind is definitely stressed out about work and finances that you guys have going on. Perhaps he feels that he's made it clear that these things worry him and he's trying to find ways to sort them all out and then he has to come home and hear you tell him you're unhappy with the sex life between you two. Might be a little bit of him subconsciously rejecting you because he's annoyed that he's trying to support you both and you're getting on him about sex. I could be wrong just trying to offer another way of looking at it from his view.

 

Do you work? Would you be open to looking for a job/career so that it's not all on him? Might make the financial worries lessen and therefore he will have less stress and more eagerness to be intimate.

 

Definitely want to caution you on using the " well he's not doing it to me so why should I go down on him" tactic so early on in your marriage. Being spiteful and using sex as a weapon will only lead to more problems. When hes playing video games why don't you go over to him and just go down on him. Tell him he doesn't have to stop playing the game either. Pretty sure that is a guy's dream to play video games while getting head so if he turns that down I would call him out on it. " seriously. You're turning down a bj while playing video games? Ask the 15 yo you're playing against if he thinks that's normal?"

 

Yes, I work 40 hours a week just like he does. As well as 100% of the housework...

I've tried playing with him while he's playing a video game or watching a movie. Last time I did that, it took me like 30 minutes to get him 'aroused' then when I finally did, when the movie was over I asked him if he wanted to go have some fun and he said he wasn't in the mood...

If he's playing a video game or watching something he's interested in, it's nearly impossible for me to get him hard.

But any other time, it takes less than a minute.

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds like your husband may be depressed. Playing video games until all hours of the night, dealing with an unpleasant job and lots of stressful situations, and no sex drive (even though he's a young newlywed)... he just doesn't sound happy.

 

I think rather than attacking the problem of sex, you need to look at this more broadly, as, what do you need to do as a couple to get him to a better place? His job situation might be the first thing to tackle.

 

Also, sex once a week, while not ideal when you're craving more, doesn't sound wildly out of the norm for a married couple. If that's all that comes naturally right now you might need to accept that, not press at him, and hope for better phases in the future. Sex frequency will definitely go through ebbs and flows in the long term.

[spanz1]

so he IS sexual when he is away from the house, but a dud in the house?

what is it about being home that turns him off? He may be tired, but when the weekend comes he should have two full days to make up for it.

 

 

Are there nosey neighbors that will hear you two? Do his parents live at your place? Are there young kids in the house?

 

 

It is not making much sense. Tell him there is a tax on his video games--no gaming time until you have orgasmed at least once that day.

 

 

Make sure he is well aware of your birth control. Leave the pills out for him to see them, and remind him that you will not get pregnant.

[tme0]

so he IS sexual when he is away from the house, but a dud in the house?

what is it about being home that turns him off? He may be tired, but when the weekend comes he should have two full days to make up for it.

 

 

Are there nosey neighbors that will hear you two? Do his parents live at your place? Are there young kids in the house?

 

 

It is not making much sense. Tell him there is a tax on his video games--no gaming time until you have orgasmed at least once that day.

 

 

Make sure he is well aware of your birth control. Leave the pills out for him to see them, and remind him that you will not get pregnant.

 

Our neighbors are spread far apart. We don't have any kids. We live alone, just us 2.

he 100% knows I'm on the pill. I keep them on top of our dresser. I also have a distinct alarm on my phone that goes off daily to remind me to take it. He knows what that alarm is.

 

As far as the video game tax thing...he's goung to see that as an 'order' and he doesn't do well with being told what to do. I ask him nicely to do things and he'll always say yes.... but he rarely ever actually does it.. he kind of has the mind set of "I do what I want"

If he sees no purpose or benefit to something he won't consider it. Even if i find it to be purposeful or beneficial.

 

Honestly sometimes I just feel like he's selfish sometimes. He considers himself, what will make him happy...and he does that. If it makes me happy too, then great, if not then that's just too bad.

 

I'mgoing to trust him when he says it's due to all of the stressors we are dealing with right now. If things are not better by Christmas then I'm going to tell him I want us to go to counseling. Sex is how I feel connected to him and he knows that. And i need that. If he's not feeling like having sex much now due to whatever reasons then i feel like we need intimacy other ways. But he's happy how things are so he sees no point.

[autumnnight]

I could have written your post over 2 decades ago. And the line you wrote about doing what he wants and what is beneficial for him....yeah, that too.

 

The passivity, the agreement without follow-through, the escapism.....

 

I divorced after two kids and too many years. It got worse, not better. The last several years of our marriage I can count the number of times we actually had sex on one hand.

 

I don't mean to be a Debbie downer, but if you were my younger self, I would say end it now and save yourself more heartache. Some of my heartache will probably never go away.

[Keenly]

Man to woman here, you might still be up for sex under such high stress, but men can't just make it happen.

 

Stress has a huuuuuge affect on desire and ability to perform. If things settle down and it's still the same, that's your red flag. It's hard to say at this point in time because we lack a control.