Mother in law is destroying me

[adna89]

My mother in law is a hell,we live With her since in our culture its common,She is very jealous of me and wants her son to have together budget,and to plan With.He Told her its not possible since he is married now and has to plan With me...we pay of course everything She asks for and more than half.yesterday we had one more fight She Said in front me and him to me "you Will not stay married to him i promise you'...My husband went Mad and even started crying.We would love to move but right now its not possible for different reasons.i just need Some advice on how to handle this? She keeps saying to him "see what a woman Did to us'...as in its all My fault they fight

[casey.lives]

this most certainly must be hard on him. His mother and his wife at odds:(

just endure quietly and keep supporting him in private. don't be showy with your love. be considerate

[sandylee1]

Until you move away it won't stop.

 

Is it her house?

[anika99]

I simply do not understand couples who get married and then live with their parents because they can't afford their own place. People who don't have their sh*t together enough to be self supporting and independent are not mature and developed enough to be married. I love my sons. One has a wife and the other has a long term live in gf and I am fond of both women but thankfully I don't have to live with them. The reason I get along with these girls is because we see each other maybe a few times a month. They have their homes and lives and I have mine. If we had to live together it would be a disaster.

 

 

You and your OP need to focus on solutions to this. Don't get sidetracked by fights and drama. Talk to each other about how to move out, make a plan and then stick to it.

[d0nnivain]

Your husband seems to be trying -- at least he tells her that he has to budget with you, not her.

 

 

Where is your father in law? Is your MIL a widow? Is she lonely?

 

 

My advice in the short term, until you can live apart from her, is kill her with kindness. I'd start by asking her lots of Qs about her relationship with her MIL. Occasionally pick out some particularly annoying behavior of hers & ask her how she would have handled it if her MIL did that to her. If she gives you an answer that indicates she would not tolerate such behavior from her MIL sweetly ask why she thinks it's OK for her to do it to you.

[angel.eyes]

Yup! The most effective approach is to kill the MIL with kindness. Let your husband be the one to battle her. Stay out of it. If you do argue with her, it looks disrespectful, which she will play up and use as ammunition to drive a wedge between you and your husband.

 

When I find myself in these types of situations and realize I have to do something that runs counter to my personality (like giving in when I know I'm technically right), I try to see things from the other person's perspective.

 

Here's an aging woman whose children are now grown up, and are transitioning into their own adult lives. For the first time in a couple of decades, her status and future are uncertain. They no longer need her to mother them. Her replacement (you) is being rubbed in her face as a daily reminder that she's no longer needed or necessary. To add insult to injury, the replacement isn't even capable of doing things to a standard that she eventually attained from experience. I could be totally off here, but I'm guessing she had no career outside the home? Being mother, wife, and running the household was her job? It's tough when your purpose and the things you took pride in doing are no longer valued and are being taken away from you. Deferring to her is no longer automatic or a given.

 

Compassion will go a long way to smooth things over as she transitions into the MIL role. Ask her for advice when you do things. Ask her how her son likes his favorite dish prepared. Tell her you need her help with XYZ. Complement her on how good she is at ABC, and how much you admire the way she does it. Find ways to acknowledge her expertise and try to make her feel valued and needed even though she is no longer at the center of the home. In the long run that will be the better approach than fighting with her constantly. Sure you could follow your instincts as you've been doing, and fight her tooth and nail on everything because you're the wife. But the relationship will be increasingly dysfunctional and your marriage will suffer from all the strife and hostility in the household.

 

Your goal is to win the war, not the battle. She is going to be in your life for a long time. It's in your best interest to reach a truce with her, no matter how difficult she might be right now. This is only the first of several transitions you will make together. You're setting a pattern for how the future ones get handled.

[Ophelia27]

Trust me, I know how it feels. After me and my husband got engaged his mom lost her job and had to move in with us. She would knock on our door 5am in the morning to ask him to join her for a smoke. Seeing as he was up he'd usually go. To my annoyance. Wgen we got married we left to vegas for our honeymoon. When we came back apparently we left the cat in the bathroom and he had been chewing on a razor (no mark on him since he was never in the bathroom) and the washing machine didnt work since we left so she asked what we did to it before our trip. We checked it out and it worked just fine. At this point we just came home from a 6 hour drive and she still hadnt asked us how our honeymoon was or for pictures.

 

Everytime we went to watch a movie she would need something. If we were in one part of the room she'd be there too, getting my husband to smoke with her. He went from 3 smokes a day to 1-2 an hour.

 

I couldnt take it anymore, just married and no privacy. I felt I was competing with an ex girlfriend.

 

We ended up moving OUT of OUR appartment and got a different one while my husband proceeds to pay rent for both places. We dont see her anymore except for thankssgivings. It sucks, we dont have that much money and we are living paycheck by paycheck now but at that point it was our marraige or this.

 

Stay strong is all I can tell you. My husband gave in to his mom too easily because he wanted to avoid conflict. Make sure your husband knows that will just give his mom more power. He needs to set boundries with his mom, not you. He needs to step up and tell her he is a married man now, grown up.

 

But if your mother in law is anything like mine it wont work. Good luck, I'll be praying for you guys. Its a tough situation.

[Mr. Lucky]

I simply do not understand couples who get married and then live with their parents because they can't afford their own place. People who don't have their sh*t together enough to be self supporting and independent are not mature and developed enough to be married.

 

It's very common in certain cultures and not always based just on financial opportunity. The OP may have less options than you realize ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sylvia Smith]

Get out! Now. You need to protect your relationship with your huband & ensure that the marriage is saved. Just because she happens to be your mother-in-law does not mean that she has the licence to distroy or disrupt your relationship in any way possible. If she is being clingy about her son and is expecting that he discuss matters like finance with her, it is only going to make the situation worse in future. Discuss the possibility of moving out with your husband. Stay on rent if you cannot afford your own home now; but do make sure to leave as soon as you can. Do maintain relationship with your mum-in-law after this move & try and improve or sort things out as well. Do be patient, kind and honest in all your efforts. It may be painful now, but if done with genuine emotions & effort, you can improve the situation with your in-laws as well as with your husband.