Tk425 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Hello, So my wife and I have been married for just over two years and have been together for nearly six. A mutual best friend of ours for the last 5 years and also the maid of honor in our wedding has expressed to me her interest in taking her friendship with my wife to the next level just one time before we move across country in the near future. She just recently ended an engagement to a man she has been with for five years because the guy feared a commitment on that level and backed out. This mutual friend of ours has reassured me that I would have nothing to worry about because she sees our marriage as an example she hopes to get one day. Both her and my wife are bisexual but my wife wants a family, kids, and a future with me and would never have an interest in a long term relationship with another woman. When I expressed my reluctance and hesitation she said I could even be there if I wanted but from the wording it sounded more like I would be a spectator, rather than a participant in a threesome. She has not expressed any interest in sex with me although she may feel awkward saying that to me beforehand which is why she has not. She also stated this could spice up our love life which has slowed in frequency and has been an area of conflict. She went on to say my wife may be having this thought but is hesitant to discuss it with me because of how I might react but we both know our histories in that area, and I truly feel my wife could discuss this with me if she wanted to. Advice/thoughts? Is this still cheating if this were to happen with or without my permission with our best friend who is another woman? She says she respects my wishes no matter what and would never force anything but this has been brought up a few times now. Should I be worried? Should I see this as a lucky hand I've been dealt? I just feel it could complicate things and make me feel betrayed, hurt, and question my self worth if my wife was interested in following through on this and it was to happen. It could ruin my marriage and ruin our friendship with this person. Please let me know your thoughts or perspectives. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Should I be worried? Should I see this as a lucky hand I've been dealt? I just feel it could complicate things and make me feel betrayed, hurt, and question my self worth if my wife was interested in following through on this and it was to happen. It could ruin my marriage and ruin our friendship with this person. Please let me know your thoughts or perspectives. Hey tk425, I have a great investment opportunity for you. It has upside but substantial risk - in fact, if it goes South, you'll be in debt and financial ruin for the rest of your life. Want to write me a check ??? Mr. Lucky 7 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Hey tk425, I have a great investment opportunity for you. It has upside but substantial risk - in fact, if it goes South, you'll be in debt and financial ruin for the rest of your life. Want to write me a check ??? Mr. Lucky I like your sarcasm Mr. Lucky. I couldn't have said it any better. what would some one jeopardize his married life and friendship for something he doesn't need? unless the marriage and the friendship are not that valuable DO NOT ALLOW IT MAN just because she wanted it. and just wondering, did you suspect this is your wife idea too. because her friend would just ask you first before she took her opinion. I think your wife wants it too and couldn't ask for it so the "friend" volunteered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 it sounds a little fishy to me. you say they are both Bisexual. and she is your wife's best friend.....would they have not previously made love many times? Maybe this is their way to slowly break the news to you that they were previous lovers? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tk425 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Let me clarify that this is not something I want. I am happy with our marriage and my wife is as well. there's been jokes from this woman of can i make out with your wife, but nothing has been acted on and we became mutual friends with this woman at the same time. We've only known her for about 4.5 years but there is no previous history. Should I just bring this up to my wife and have a discussion or let sleeping dogs lie? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Let me clarify that this is not something I want. I am happy with our marriage and my wife is as well. there's been jokes from this woman of can i make out with your wife, but nothing has been acted on and we became mutual friends with this woman at the same time. We've only known her for about 4.5 years but there is no previous history. Should I just bring this up to my wife and have a discussion or let sleeping dogs lie? no do not let it slip. make sure your wife knows your stand on this. and also ( if you haven't done so already) tell the other friend that you do not want that to happen and you would not tolerate it. make yourself clear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Well, if you give permission it's not cheating. Whether or not they've done this while you've been married is the question - why wait until now? If they have, then why even ask? So, it would seem that for whatever reason they have not, and are now asking. It wouldn't bother me, but we'd have to establish that this does not mean blanket permission in the future with this friend or anyone else. It's your marriage: IMO, you can negotiate any agreement you like between yourselves. In our case, we've negotiated an open, poly relationship with certain parameters. That works for us. YMMV. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Ok, here is what I'm thinking. Wife and BFF has had this conversation and decided that it be best that BFF approached you on the subject. I find it slightly odd that she would approach you without your wifes knowing because of the high risk of miscommunicating the intent or you misunderstanding her intent. Its always best to openly communicate with your spouse no matter which way you intend to go. No one can give you a road map as to the best direction to take your sexlife. That 100% up to the two of you. I will say this, its risky. The main factor is the two already share a deep connection on a friend level at least on your wifes end. Secondly, you sound really uncomfortable of the idea. Just have the conversation with your wife, odd are if she is bisexual its coming at some point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Is this still cheating if this were to happen with or without my permission with our best friend who is another woman? Let me clarify that this is not something I want. I am happy with our marriage and my wife is as well. there's been jokes from this woman of can i make out with your wife, but nothing has been acted on and we became mutual friends with this woman at the same time. We've only known her for about 4.5 years but there is no previous history. Should I just bring this up to my wife and have a discussion or let sleeping dogs lie? It's not cheating if it happens with your permission, cheating if it happens without it. It's a non-starter - you don't want it to happen so that should be it. I think you should (have to) bring it up to your wife so she understands it's a no-go, and also bc you shouldn't be keeping any secret conversations from her between you and the maid of honor - especially any that involve your wife and sex. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Dutchman1 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I think that if your wife would be honest you'd be having a genuine M. No friend goes and ask the spouse first without your wife knowing. They might be in together on this, and your isn't sure of your reaction. You'll be sliding on a slippery slope. A loving marriage can do without a third person. As already suggested: are you sure this didn't happen before. And if you agree, then I would only be ok if I was an active participant. Otherwise see you in the break up.section I'm afraid. Dutchman 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Seems to be a rash of bi or bicurious married people either having affairs or considering it today. It's cheating even with permission. Last I checked, there was no loophole in the vows for those that are bisexual or who have permission. Extramarital sex is still adultery. Doing it in the open just makes it a bit more palatable because of the honesty. That said, if you and your wife wanted an open marriage, then I'd say assume the physical and emotional risks and go for it. But you don't seem too keen on the idea. Since this is not something you want you need to make that clear. Tell your wife and her friend that you aren't interested and that you would treat any goings on between them the same way you would any other affair. Tell them that the pushiness of the friend is disrespectful to you, your wife, and your marriage and that you won't tolerate it any longer. Basically, treat the friend the same way you'd treat any guy who's trying to screw your wife. After all, that's exactly how she's behaving. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 If you dont "allow" it, they Will just do it behind your back, you have no choise The question should rather be, do i Want a wife that wants to sleep with another person/woman? Just curious, are you alse same sex-attracted? remenber you Cannot control people falling in love also not your wife:( Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 and also bc you shouldn't be keeping any secret conversations from her between you and the maid of honor - especially any that involve your wife and sex. Good point - Tk425, if your friend approached Mrs. Tk425 about having sex with you, wouldn't you want to know? Not the kind of thing couples keep from each other, if for no other reason than your wife needs to know her friend has her eye on her... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Seems to be a rash of bi or bicurious married people either having affairs or considering it today. Last I checked, there was no loophole in the vows for those that are bisexual... Yea, I don't know where this assumption comes from... like if it's two women then it's just a harmless, fun little game and doesn't really count. And men should just accept it because... ? That's what I don't get. How does the rationale work? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 My concern is that since this is your wife's BEST friend, that there are actually some romantic/love feelings there (at least on the friend's side) rather than just wanting to have sex. Personally, I think everything about this is a bad deal. 1 - she's your wife's BFF, so even if she moves, she is always going to be in your lives. If your wife visits her, you'll be wondering whether they are getting it on. When they talk, you'll be wondering if they are talking about sex or feelings for each other. This will never go away. 2 - you don't know how you will feel about it until it is over. It is a huge risk! 3 - there may not even be anything in it for YOU. You can watch porn without risk. I would just tell the friend that no, you aren't interested in that happening. But if you still are - go to your wife, not the BFF. It may not even be something she wants to do, so you may be worrying over nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tk425 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 After asking the bff to clarify her intentions, she's saying that she meant just making out and that it was the alcohol talking which I do know we had both been drinking when we had this orIginal conversation. Maybe that was my first error. My wife and I had discussed her in the past prior to marriage but after we were married we both agreed that it wouldn't be a smart or worthwhile idea for our future and the complications it could cause. This was roughly 2 years ago. I guess I just don't understand even if it is making out, why the bff doesn't think that's shady... Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) Oh I believe she thinks it's shady. She's trying to give it a veneer of respectability by talking to you first, me thinks. Sometimes guys hang around gals they're interested in pretending to be friends. That's just ew, guy or gal. Are you sure that isn't what this lady is doing with your wife? Edited August 12, 2015 by loveboid Spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 After asking the bff to clarify her intentions, she's saying that she meant just making out and that it was the alcohol talking which I do know we had both been drinking when we had this orIginal conversation. Maybe that was my first error. My wife and I had discussed her in the past prior to marriage but after we were married we both agreed that it wouldn't be a smart or worthwhile idea for our future and the complications it could cause. This was roughly 2 years ago. I guess I just don't understand even if it is making out, why the bff doesn't think that's shady... did you make it clear to the BFF that you do not tolerate that. I think you should still talk to your W about it too Link to post Share on other sites
Buck Turgidson Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 It's cheating even with permission. Last I checked, there was no loophole in the vows for those that are bisexual or who have permission. No it isn't. It's not. Stop saying that. First of all, you have no idea what vows they took when they got married. Secondly, no matter what they were, what agreements were made, they can always be modified with the consent of both parties. That's the nature of a contract. Stop defining other people's relationships for them. A marriage is what the people in it decide it is, making your preferences for their marriage less than irrelevant. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I guess I just don't understand even if it is making out, why the bff doesn't think that's shady... Your wife is bi and she is bi. She wants to be more than just friends with your wife as she wants to move it to a romantic relationship. She knows that once you say yes to this even one time, that it will be hard for you to make as big a deal about it later if they do it behind your back. That is shady. Married people should not keep as friends, anyone that is pursuing them for sex outside of the marriage. Ask yourself this question. When your marriage has a rough patch (all marriages do), knowing what you know about this friend's intentions, how will you feel about your wife traveling to visit with her where the two of them will be drinking and hanging out alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Ophelia27 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I am honestly confused by the amount of threads lately about bisexual partners wanting/considering/asking for sex outside of their relationship. Even if its the straight partner posting. How is this even an option? Because two girls together is hot? If this was about your wife asking for sex with another guy this wouldnt even be considered. I say,.ask your wife honestly what she wants. We can only guess. But if she wants to sleep with another woman you are allowed the same. Even if you dont want to, make clear you should have the same right. Now watch her reaction. Thats your answer. I wouldnt do it though. You are already doubting it too much now. Imagine how you feel afterwards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 After asking the bff to clarify her intentions, she's saying that she meant just making out and that it was the alcohol talking which I do know we had both been drinking when we had this orIginal conversation. Maybe that was my first error. My wife and I had discussed her in the past prior to marriage but after we were married we both agreed that it wouldn't be a smart or worthwhile idea for our future and the complications it could cause. This was roughly 2 years ago. I guess I just don't understand even if it is making out, why the bff doesn't think that's shady... I don't really agree with the shadiness assertion. I mean she asked you about it after all. She's trying to be upfront. Just having sexual desire for your wife isn't inherently shady. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I don't really agree with the shadiness assertion. I mean she asked you about it after all. She's trying to be upfront. Just having sexual desire for your wife isn't inherently shady. If one of my wife's male friends asked me for permission to have sex with my wife, and when I said no, asked me if he could just make out with her then, that man's intentions with my wife would be shady. That man would also be out or our life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 I am honestly confused by the amount of threads lately about bisexual partners wanting/considering/asking for sex outside of their relationship. Even if its the straight partner posting. How is this even an option? Because two girls together is hot? If this was about your wife asking for sex with another guy this wouldnt even be considered. I feel the same way, you are either ok with sharing your partner or you aren't. If you will get jealous with them with another man you are deluding yourself thinking another woman couldn't lead to those same feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 13, 2015 Share Posted August 13, 2015 No it isn't. It's not. Stop saying that. First of all, you have no idea what vows they took when they got married. Secondly, no matter what they were, what agreements were made, they can always be modified with the consent of both parties. That's the nature of a contract. Stop defining other people's relationships for them. A marriage is what the people in it decide it is, making your preferences for their marriage less than irrelevant. I didn't institute marriage nor did I write the definition of marriage or the definition of adultery. The definition of adultery is a married peson having voluntary sex with someone who is not their spouse. Note there is no exception for those who have permission. Feel free to look it up. I will admit to assuming the OP and his wife had either a civil or common religious ceremony. Either usually includes the standard exclusivity vows common to the majority of marriages. Look, married people can screw whoever they want with or without the permission of their spouse, but getting pemission doesn't change the definition of the word adultery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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