Justcurious3 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 Hi, thanks for reading. I'm happily married my husband and I have been together for four years and we have 2 babies. We are very open and honest with each other about everything. He is the only person I talk to other than our children. So he's always known about my bicuriousity, but until recently I've never really considered it anything other than a fantasy. Recently, I've been talking to him about possibly exploring my bicuriousness. He is into the idea of a threesome, but I find it very difficult to be OK with the idea of him with another woman. Especially since I'm not sure I'm even going to enjoy being with a woman. He tells me he's had a threesome before and that he knows he will enjoy it He also said that he is not requesting a threesome that it's not something he absolutely needs/wants to do so whether it happens or not it's OK with him. That I'm the one who doesn't know what it's like and it's my fantasy and that I'm the one always talking about it or bringing it up, so he'll be OK with any rules I create so that I'll be comfortable doing it. So I thought about it and told him I would not be comfortable with him touching the other woman or her touching him in any way. I would want him to be there and only touch and have sex with me. So the woman would only be there for me. Once I told him this he became a bit upset and asked me what's the point of bringing another woman if he can't touch or **** her. He told me I and was being selfish and then he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I'm confused because he said he would be OK with whatever rules would make me feel comfortable, but when I told him what rules would make me comfortable he wasn't OK with it. I tried to explain to him that the same way he doesn't want to see me with another man is the same way I don't want to see him with another woman, but I do want him to be there with me. Am I being selfish? Our conversations about going through with this have been completely hypothetical and it's not something that I'm urging to do asap it's just something that's been on my mind a lot and I've been wondering if I'm into women too. He's the only person I talk to so he knows this and says he's happy to explore my sexuality with me. I'm 25 so I didn't have much sexual experience before marriage and he's much older than me. I've dropped the whole thing since then I don't see a point in getting upset about a hypothetical situation where nothing has happened and he isn't forced to agree, but still thinking about it and wondering why he was so upset and called me selfish. I appreciate any different point of views on this. Sorry for how long it is. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 your feelings are normal, you are just not ready for threesome, therefore forget it for now. he is right if you are bringing another woman to your bedroom it would impossible to ask him to not touch her. it is OK if you are not comfortable with the idea of him touching another woman do not beat yourself for it. I just want to warn you DO NOT do it unless you are 100% sure that you are comfortable with it. open marriages and swinging had destroyed a lots of marriages for that particular reason 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I'd bet that a threesome in your situation would be a disaster and a receipt for the beginning of the end of your marriage. Swinging (to me) is very risky. Too many things can go wrong. And you're not even comfortable with it. I'd say NO WAY. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I'm not a fan of the whole threesome idea, but I have to say, if he couldn't handle you touching another man, it is kind of hypocritical to be upset that you don't want him to touch another woman. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 You want something extra, but don't want him to have something extra. That's something of a double standard. Many bisexual women choose to marry and be faithful, and never get to explore their bisexual curiosity. There are bisexual men who make the same choice. He doesn't owe you the opportunity to explore this, and it's not unreasonable of him to reject "rules" that he doesn't like, especially if he said differently before he knew what those "rules" would be. So, I think you either need to give up pursuit of this, or come to terms with his full participation. And then there is the problem of finding someone who is willing to participate - it's not easy. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 My take is you pledged fidelity when you got married. You don't get an out just because you are bi curious. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I'm not a fan of the whole threesome idea, but I have to say, if he couldn't handle you touching another man, it is kind of hypocritical to be upset that you don't want him to touch another woman. Agree, but isn't the OP guilty of the same hypocrisy? She wants an additional partner but would be upset over his realization of the same thing. That's why this is such a slippery slope. For me, not in a million years... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I disagree with the notion that you have to be 'fair' - you can want whatever arrangement you like and don't really have to justify that. Forex I have that exact same arrangement with my BF, and he's fine with it, and it's really nobody's business but ours. That said, if he doesn't like it he doesn't like it, and he really doesn't have to justify that POV either. imo you may be being a bit selfish but that's ok. But in order for these things to work, both parties have to be informed and on-board. So I guess it's just kind of a moot point in your case. One thing tho - I doubt your interest in women will go away. In fact it may intensify if you don't explore it. If you ever manage to go thru with it, I strongly recommend a focus between the two women w/minimal involvement of the man, at least initially, like what you wanted. That solves the typical jealousy angst that women feel. (Normally guys aren't offended/threatened as much in a FFM.) It almost sounds like he just feels left out moreso than he doesn't want you to get with a woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 See, this is the problem with maritally communicating about sex. You trust him enough to share an intimate desire. You want to see what it's like. He thinks it will be hot, but he shares that he wants a piece of cake too. You're not comfortable with that, he's not comfortable being a passive participant. I don't see it as selfish, I see it as each other's tolerance level It's also a slippery slope. Your desires aren't going to go away, as Jen said, they might intensify. So you can have the self discipline and control and deny yourself. Or do it and potentially jeopardize your marriage. I would say you both need to be comfortable. Right now it's an oval trying to fit in a circle. I would drop it for now. I know I mentioned a 3some opportunity last week my spouse and I have been through enough weird stuff to know my marriage would survive it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 My take is you pledged fidelity when you got married. You don't get an out just because you are bi curious. ^ This. You're interested in some extramarital playtime. He could go along if he gets to play too. You're saying no, it's ok for me but not for you. I don't see how you can rationalize it. You're asking him to agree to an open marriage for you but not for him. There's no entitlement based on bi/hetero. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 OP, what if your husband was bi-curious? Would he be allowed to have a threesome with another man that would be only for him? Just look at it from the other side of the page..:: 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2015 Share Posted August 11, 2015 I disagree with the notion that you have to be 'fair' - you can want whatever arrangement you like and don't really have to justify that. Forex I have that exact same arrangement with my BF, and he's fine with it, and it's really nobody's business but ours. Certainly agree but not the same situation as the OP. Her H doesn't seem to be fine with it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justcurious3 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Thanks for all the input everyone, I really appreciate it. Everything mentioned has crossed my mind and it's good to kind of 'hear' it coming from other people. I do think that it seems a bit selfish, but it's not that I don't want him to be an active part in the threesome, its just that thinking about it makes me uncomfortable and I think it's important for him to know that. I'm the type of person that will sacrifice my comfort for someone else's. Especially for my husband, so initially thinking of it solely as a fantasy I was OK with him doing whatever, but when he started asking me about rules and what stuff might make me uncomfortable I realized that those things kind of scare me. Now I definitely agree that this is not something I'm ready for, nor is it something I am willing to risk my marriage for. So it will remain as a fantasy because it really isn't worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justcurious3 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 (edited) @CarrieT I asked him this, because I've always considered myself very heterosexual and now I'm thinking about this. So I asked to see if he has any bicurious fantasies and he said no, that he's into women only. But, hypothetically if he had said yes and wanted to explore I would still feel just as uncomfortable with him and a man as I do with him and a woman. He on the other hand is very aroused about me being with another woman, but not at all interested about a mfm threesome. To me another person is another person no matter if it's a woman or a man. Maybe he only sees girl on girl as a fetish so that's why he is OK with me being with a woman or maybe he isn't digging as deep into everything that could go wrong because the idea of it actually happening is clouding his judgement. Edited August 12, 2015 by Justcurious3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justcurious3 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 You want something extra, but don't want him to have something extra. That's something of a double standard. Many bisexual women choose to marry and be faithful, and never get to explore their bisexual curiosity. There are bisexual men who make the same choice. He doesn't owe you the opportunity to explore this, and it's not unreasonable of him to reject "rules" that he doesn't like, especially if he said differently before he knew what those "rules" would be. So, I think you either need to give up pursuit of this, or come to terms with his full participation. And then there is the problem of finding someone who is willing to participate - it's not easy. Yeah, I know we just figured we would hire like an escort. Definitely, if we both don't agree to each other's rules than nothing will happen. I'm not desperate to explore this, nor am I going to cheat on him with anybody. If we don't agree it's no problem, no harm done and we can continue being happily married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justcurious3 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 ^ This. You're interested in some extramarital playtime. He could go along if he gets to play too. You're saying no, it's ok for me but not for you. I don't see how you can rationalize it. You're asking him to agree to an open marriage for you but not for him. There's no entitlement based on bi/hetero. Yeah, I would never cheat on him. If we do this we will do it together and be on the same page or not do it at all. I actually have no interest in doing it without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justcurious3 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 See, this is the problem with maritally communicating about sex. You trust him enough to share an intimate desire. You want to see what it's like. He thinks it will be hot, but he shares that he wants a piece of cake too. You're not comfortable with that, he's not comfortable being a passive participant. I don't see it as selfish, I see it as each other's tolerance level It's also a slippery slope. Your desires aren't going to go away, as Jen said, they might intensify. So you can have the self discipline and control and deny yourself. Or do it and potentially jeopardize your marriage. I would say you both need to be comfortable. Right now it's an oval trying to fit in a circle. I would drop it for now. I know I mentioned a 3some opportunity last week my spouse and I have been through enough weird stuff to know my marriage would survive it. Yeah, I totally agree. I feel like he was just totally annoyed that he entertained it as something that could have happened to then be disappointed by what makes me uncomfortable. I mean I'd rather that be engaging in threesome and have my heart breaking into pieces because the live of my life is sexing another woman (because of me & I end up realizing women aren't my thing) and it will be forever seared into my memory,and then my marriage is ruined. Idk why but " I have been through enough weird stuff to know my marriage would survive it." Made me lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justcurious3 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 I disagree with the notion that you have to be 'fair' - you can want whatever arrangement you like and don't really have to justify that. Forex I have that exact same arrangement with my BF, and he's fine with it, and it's really nobody's business but ours. That said, if he doesn't like it he doesn't like it, and he really doesn't have to justify that POV either. imo you may be being a bit selfish but that's ok. But in order for these things to work, both parties have to be informed and on-board. So I guess it's just kind of a moot point in your case. One thing tho - I doubt your interest in women will go away. In fact it may intensify if you don't explore it. If you ever manage to go thru with it, I strongly recommend a focus between the two women w/minimal involvement of the man, at least initially, like what you wanted. That solves the typical jealousy angst that women feel. (Normally guys aren't offended/threatened as much in a FFM.) It almost sounds like he just feels left out moreso than he doesn't want you to get with a woman. Yeah, I understand why he would be upset I just got a bit confused since he told me he isn't eager to have a threesome, that we can do it on my terms as long as I'm comfortable, but also as long as he gets sex the lady too even though the latter makes me uncomfortable. Idk if it might intensify but I'll probably never stop wondering. I would never act on it though, I would never betray my husband, he's my best friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Yeah, I understand why he would be upset I just got a bit confused since he told me he isn't eager to have a threesome, that we can do it on my terms as long as I'm comfortable, but also as long as he gets sex the lady too even though the latter makes me uncomfortable. Idk if it might intensify but I'll probably never stop wondering. I would never act on it though, I would never betray my husband, he's my best friend. Maybe he felt threatened. Is there a way to make that not the case? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Sometimes the fantasy is more titilating than the reality. In order for any kind of consensual nonmonogamy to work, all parties need to have some common ground and everyone agree to the same groundrules. That's really not happening here. You two are disagreeing on what you are wanting here. It's not unreasonable for you not to want your husband to be with another woman. And it's not unreasonable for him to not want you to be with another woman but not share and let him in on the fun too. I've been in 3somes, 4somes and mores and frankly, if my wife said I couldn't play, then I wouldn't want her playing either. You may be at an impasse here. It may be a fun fantasy, but too many complexities and roadblocks to make in to a fun reality. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justcurious3 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 My take is you pledged fidelity when you got married. You don't get an out just because you are bi curious. I'm not trying to do this without my husband. No interest in being unfaithful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I'm not trying to do this without my husband. No interest in being unfaithful. For that reason if he feels uncomfortable best not to do it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justcurious3 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 I'd bet that a threesome in your situation would be a disaster and a receipt for the beginning of the end of your marriage. Swinging (to me) is very risky. Too many things can go wrong. And you're not even comfortable with it. I'd say NO WAY. Yeah I agree, the best option is to leave it alone for sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Justcurious3 Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 your feelings are normal, you are just not ready for threesome, therefore forget it for now. he is right if you are bringing another woman to your bedroom it would impossible to ask him to not touch her. it is OK if you are not comfortable with the idea of him touching another woman do not beat yourself for it. I just want to warn you DO NOT do it unless you are 100% sure that you are comfortable with it. open marriages and swinging had destroyed a lots of marriages for that particular reason Thank you. I did start beating myself up about not being comfortable with him touching or sexing because he seemed very interested and then I communicated my feelings and he just shut down, so I felt bad like was depriving him of happiness. Yeah it is for sure something that shouldn't happen unless we both are completely comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 But it's good you can be so open with each other about all this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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