TheLost1 Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Hello, I have been lurking here a while and have made a couple of response posts but have not really said much otherwise. I have been in a committed relationship for almost two years and we have been living together for just over one year and have told eachother that we are life partners. Shortly after we became "official" she let me know that she had not been completely honest and had been sleeping with two other guys since before we had met. She explained a number of very personal details which led her to need sex more often than one man could provide. She apologized profusely for lying and requested that we have an open relationship, swearing to me that these other men were merely physical relationships and nothing more. I begrudgingly agreed, because I love her and I want to make sure that she is happy. I am a total and complete nerd, and suffer from serious social anxiety; I have no chance of ever hooking up outside of the relationship, even if I wanted to. Additionally, if I am in any sort of social situation where other women are present and she is not, she loses it on me being super possessive and jealous. So it is not an equitable nor fair situation by any means. Anyways, over the last year she would occasionally go out and do whatever, and while I was somewhat bothered by it, I was always able to just let it go. Jump to April, my best friend of twenty years moves out of the main city an hour South of us up to a place that is much closer and we start spending piles of time with him. After a month or so they sleep together, despite my making it very clear that THAT was not cool nor acceptable. It happened one night and they got up immediately the next morning to tell me and promise it would never happen again. I accepted this apology, mostly because I could not handle losing the two people I love most in this world (excepting my brother) in one fell swoop. Because I have known him so long, I firmly believe that nothing has happened since. Again, this is based on his behavior, not hers as over the last month or so she started a new job which kept her out late (nothing weird about that), and she would often go out and drink after work and not make it home (this is agreeable since driving drunk is so unsafe). However she started acting really secretive and weird about what else she was doing. My first thought was she started an affair with my bestie, his actions did not support this however. Nevertheless, I was certain something was up and she was not being open about it at all. I asked if she was involved with someone she hadn't told me about and she said no. This question was meant to be a general inquiry about where she was spending her time, but to be fair it could have been interpreted to mean strictly sleeping with somebody. Finally, last week we sat down and talked because she had gone off on me because some girls were at my new Dungeons and Dragons group (which she was invited to join). Basically, we finally set down some hard rules about our open relationship (something we should have done far long ago). One of these rules is that we are to be open about people we are trying to hook up with or whatever. After these rules were established she let me know that she has been talking to this guy WITH WHOM I WORK (she and I met at my work, although she no longer works there), for a "couple of weeks" with the intent of hooking up with him. When I asked why she did not say anything when I asked about that she replied that I asked if she was sleeping with anybody and she says she was not. So this weekend, she and one of her friends are at the renaissance fair and camping there for the weekend. They left yesterday morning and her friend was to pick her up. When I got home from work yesterday evening I found a pair of men's sunglasses on my couch. One of our rules is that we are NOT to have other partners in our shared home. So, unless her friend has a pair of men's aviator glasses (not entirely impossible I suppose), she both lied to me about with whom she was spending the weekend AND she broke one of our rules. I have not been able to trust her since the incident with my (former) best friend and she has done very little to try and earn it back from me. I also happen to think that rumors about my coworker and her are circulating the office now, which is extremely embarrassing. I just don't know what to do from here. I am jealous and angry all of the time now. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 What you do from here is tell her it's over, have her move out, and get on with your life. You may be a socially inept/anxious nerd, but that doesn't mean you can't find a woman who will love you and be loyal to you. Trust me. I met my socially inept/anxious gamer nerd 15 years ago, loved him, married him, and have been faithful to him. I also have an extremely high sex drive. I am an adult, however, and know that I can't always have what I want the moment I want it. And that's a good thing! Besides the mental and emotional damage this one sided open relationship is doing to you, have you seriously thought about STDs and pregnancy? No method of birth control is 100%. I, myself, have a Pill baby and a condom baby. Condoms DO NOT protect against all STDs. In fact, they offer little protection from genital warts and genital herpes as those are spread via skin to skin contact. That's why we now call it safER sex instead of safe sex. Get out of this mess before you end up a mental and emotional wreck raising someone else's child and/or contract a disease. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheLost1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Of course you are correct. Thank you for responding Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Plain and simple she is kind of slutty, treats you poorly, takes advantage of your trusting and forgiving nature and cheats on you. she is not a nice person and is not girlfriend material. You may be kind of nerdy and I am going to assume you are in your early-mid 20s. here is a simple, harsh fact of life, males in their teens and early 20s have a pretty challenging time hooking up with chicks if they are not jocks or tall and good looking or very outgoing and socially confident. However That changes by the time a guy reaches his mid 20s. If you are gainfully employed, not a drunk/druggie/criminal and are at least physically healthy and not morbidly obese, Ethiopianly skinny or otherwise disfigured or deformed, you can get chicks as long as you at least try to talk to them. Just because you are socially awkward and nerdy, that does not give anyone the right to mistreat you and manipulate you and cheat on you. She was just using you and manipulating you with this whole "open relationship" thing. She will just pulling one over on you so she could screw around. Being yoked to her will be worse for you than being single. If you stay with her, that will keep you from opportunities with other women who my treat you well. But if you are single then every day may be an opportunity to meet someone new and develop a healthy and satisfying relationship. She's a jerk and a creep and a slut, move on with your own life leave her behind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Get out of this mess before you end up a mental and emotional wreck raising someone else's child and/or contract a disease. This is a VERY real possibility with a manipulator like this. If she gets knocked up by one of her hook ups (and please please please realize that you are only aware of the tip of the iceberg, she is screwing a lot more guys than you even realize) she will tell you the baby is yours to get you to raise it and take care of it while she is out screwing more guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheLost1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 I am actually in my 40's I just have serious issues when it comes to being comfortable with women I am interested in. It is just who I am and I have spent my entire life trying to get over it. In other news, I just got confirmation that rumors are indeed floating around the office here. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I am actually in my 40's I just have serious issues when it comes to being comfortable with women I am interested in. It is just who I am and I have spent my entire life trying to get over it. In other news, I just got confirmation that rumors are indeed floating around the office here. Yeah, you are only aware of the tip of the iceberg unfortunately. This gal is just simply taking you for a ride and exploiting your trusting and forgiving nature. In regard to your issues with women, have you ever sought professional help for that? Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I am actually in my 40's I just have serious issues when it comes to being comfortable with women I am interested in. It is just who I am and I have spent my entire life trying to get over it. In other news, I just got confirmation that rumors are indeed floating around the office here. Google Good Looking Loser. Take some of it with a grain of salt, but it will demystify women for you a bit. Basically, sort the trash from treasure. Things like the bit about whatever woman you're talking to has slept with a guy uglier than you is pure gold...and true. Also, you need to recognize that this woman is likely a talisman against your insecurities. You see losing her like a diabetic sees losing their only supply of insulin. The problem is that this relationship isn't building you up. It's making you feel even more insecure. I'm in your age range. There are a lot of women in our age group who have been neglected, mistreated, cheated on, etc. They would much rather have a platinum nerd who will treat them well than a gold plated pretty boy with a line a mile long. I am so sorry about the rumors at work. Your Gf has damaged you personally and professionally. Time to say enough is enough. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MyEvilTwin Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 (edited) I am actually in my 40's I just have serious issues when it comes to being comfortable with women I am interested in. It is just who I am and I have spent my entire life trying to get over it. In other news, I just got confirmation that rumors are indeed floating around the office here. Women are just people. Good looking women are just people. All of us are flawed, have insecurities, have secrets, and have history we would prefer to change. There is nothing that should stop you from talking to a woman that appeals to you. At your age you can pick between 20's-40's for a girlfriend. You are actually at the optimum age to choose who you would like to be with. Sit down and think about what you want out of life that is reasonable. A family? A monogamous relationship? What do you want? Then settle for nothing less. Ditch the loser. Her radar was up for a guy that would let her push him around. Only you can change that, by deciding what you want out of life and not settling for less. Also read up on respect.....I'm not sure what source would be best but a psychologist could probably help you there, with a few sessions and a good book on the subject. Somewhere in your history and upbringing you learned to not respect yourself. This does need to be fixed for you to achieve happiness so that you don't repeat relationships like this current one. Edited August 2, 2015 by MyEvilTwin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheLost1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 In regard to your issues with women, have you ever sought professional help for that? I have, but I could not maintain as it cost too much money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheLost1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Women are just people. Good looking women are just people. All of us are flawed, have insecurities, have secrets, and have history we would prefer to change. There is nothing that should stop you from talking to a woman that appeals to you. At your age you can pick between 20's-40's for a girlfriend. You are actually at the optimum age to choose who you would like to be with. Sit down and think about what you want out of life that is reasonable. A family? A monogamous relationship? What do you want? Then settle for nothing less. Ditch the loser. Her radar was up for a guy that would let her push him around. Only you can change that, by deciding what you want out of life and not settling for less. Also read up on respect.....I'm not sure what source would be best but a psychologist could probably help you there, with a few sessions and a good book on the subject. Somewhere in your history and upbringing you learned to not respect yourself. This does need to be fixed for you to achieve happiness so that you don't repeat relationships like this current one. Thank you for the response. Of course, you are correct Link to post Share on other sites
MyEvilTwin Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 Also, since she wants to have sex with other men yet gets jealous if you are anywhere in the vicinity of another woman and she can't be there... That reeks of several things-- She is insecure She is a control freak She is emotionally abusive. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheLost1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Yeah, she definitely has issues. I don't think she understands that this hurts... Link to post Share on other sites
MyEvilTwin Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 She doesn't care that it hurts. She's selfish. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheLost1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 I don't want to believe that, but it is likely true. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I have, but I could not maintain as it cost too much money. If you are allowing yourself to be treated this way, the real question is can you afford not to get therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheLost1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 You have a really valid point, I just do not know where I will get the money! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 2, 2015 Share Posted August 2, 2015 I'm struggling to understand what you get from this relationship? Fulfilling and affirming sex life? No... Respect and companionship? No... Security and comfort? No... Emotional connection and trust? No... Honesty and commitment? No... Am I missing something? Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheLost1 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 I'm struggling to understand what you get from this relationship? Fulfilling and affirming sex life? No... Respect and companionship? No... Security and comfort? No... Emotional connection and trust? No... Honesty and commitment? No... Am I missing something? Mr. Lucky You are missing nothing. I just love this person deeply and am hurting because I know what needs to be done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 There are a LOT of women who find less than confident, intelligent, thoughtful, nerdy guys really attractive. I'm one of them! For me the least attractive men are those vein, over confident, muscle bound guys who hit hard on me, (rarely moving their gaze up to look at my face) as soon as I walk in the room. I've always been considered attractive. I'm very shy. I spent my early years wondering why the men I really liked never asked me out...usually never even spoke to me! All of my boyfriends were friends first. I have never had the confidence to approach a man & I've never been attracted to the men that hit on me! "Never judge a book by its cover". It works both ways! All the men I've ever been close to have said things like 'I didn't have the courage to talk to you!', 'I thought you were out of my league' etc. while I was thinking that there was something wrong with me because only jerks were interested. Please stop wasting your time on a woman like that. It's going to trash any self esteem you have & turn you into one of those men who doesn't trust & can't be open with a nice girlfriend when you find her. She's 'breaking' a good man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 My friend, you are in love with a whore. She doesn't care about your feelings because she is a selfish whore. She doesn't respect you because she is in charge - so she is a selfish whore who has pussy-whipped you into submission. You must get out of this beastly kind of relationship before she sucks every drop of humanity out of you like an emotional vampire. Seriously, I'd replace her with a pet - you will get more love and true devotion from a dog. Also, if you get a cute enough dog, all the girls will stop to pet your cute puppy while you are at the park taking him for a walk. You never know where a conversation will lead... Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 You love her and your personality makes feel like you need her otherwise you are lost man. trust me, you do not need her it is just in your brain. she is manipulating you keeping you on the shelf while she is screwing every man she interact with even your best friend. she knows that you are hurt make no mistake about it but does she really care? obviously not. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Yeah, she definitely has issues. I don't think she understands that this hurts... I think she does understand how much this hurts, otherwise she wouldn't act super jealous and possessive. The problem is that she just doesn't CARE that this hurts you. Much different problem. The solution is to stop being a tampon and kick her out of your life. Honestly, she sounds so dirty and skanky that I wouldn't even touch her... I'd have to wear gloves to hold hands... and even then worry that I might catch some horrible STD. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Sounds like she is using your level 1 self confidence against you and has you drinking a level 7 Confusion elixr before casting a level 10 Disrespect and Dishonor spell on you. it's game over. I would ban her IP addy and go look for a new server to join. ***disclaimer. I have no idea what I'm tlaking about...just having some fun with the nerd angle. Good luck bro. Open relationships only ever favor women and douchebags. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 This relationship is like taking in a stray dog then having the fu*ker bit you every time you feed it. This woman has manipulated you into allowing her to do as she pleases, agreeing to an open relationship then going all bunny boiler whenever a women is within 20 miles of you. If I were you, I would first just start going missing for hours even days at a time, and not telling her anything. Making her try on your shoes before dumping her. I wouldn't normally advocate playing games, but this woman doesn't love or respect you, she is comfortable with you as a homebase. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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