Would sexual variety be healthy for much younger wife?

[olderhusband]

My wife is 35 and I am 49. We have a toddler who takes up all our time and sleeps in our bed because we felt it was best. I know, I know, not the wisest choice. After 7 years of marriage we still dearly love each other and divorce is out of the question. I am sexually fit, but I think she has just gotten very used to me and her sexual desire for me has waned a bit. I am handsome and fit, but fall short in comparison to men her age that she works with and is friends with. She is very cute and has the most awesome body and personality and energy to boot. I know she has always been faithful and has no intention of cheating because of her flawless integrity, but I know she has a natural healthy sex drive and desires and attractions to other men. It is normal. I am very secure with myself and our marriage and my place with her and would be okay with her fulfilling any sexual desires she may have for others, after all, I enjoyed a fulfilling sex life throughout my youth and she is still so young and it is not fair for me to impede her opportunity to take advantage of that. My question is, am I being foolish if I tell her it is okay with me for her to have fun and enjoy herself with other men if she so desires or is it a mature, healthy decision for our marriage and for her happiness? Would I be doing the right thing or am I playing with fire? Anyone here who has experience with this situation or any wives who might have any insight as to how she might react to such a proposal? Thank you in advance for any thoughtful considerations or suggestions.

[elaine567]

I guess you have a cuckold fetish, and this has little to do with how she feels.

Has she ever brought up her desire for another man?

Edited July 31, 2015 by elaine567
quote removal

[olderhusband]

I don't have a cuckold fetish. I know it may sound silly, but I was brought up in a Hispanic catholic household. She has indeed made remarks in a, I am assuming a semi joking way, about wishing she had new guy friends or when telling her about cool people I have met, "Did you get his number? Just kidding!" I know my older age has to be a factor in this or am I being paranoid?

[autumnnight]

There are ways to spice up your bedroom life without bringing in someone else. I would look for board games or read a book together or give her a journal to write her fantasies in...then you can fulfill them.

 

Introducing outside people is just asking for trouble, IMO.

[elaine567]

I don't have a cuckold fetish. I know it may sound silly, but I was brought up in a Hispanic catholic household. She has indeed made remarks in a, I am assuming a semi joking way, about wishing she had new guy friends or when telling her about cool people I have met, "Did you get his number? Just kidding!" I know my older age has to be a factor in this or am I being paranoid?

 

I think you are being paranoid and as Autumnight says, bringing others into your relationship is fraught with trouble and I guess you will be the one nursing a broken heart, and a broken marriage, when she decides to go off with her new suitor.

 

By allowing her to do this, you will reduce your status in her eyes, and her new lover if she agrees to one to please you, will then take over your place.

 

YOU have what sounds like a good marriage and a lovely little toddler, do not screw it all up here.

[olderhusband]

Thank you for your insight. I just want to be sure that she doesn't become resentful in thinking she has given up her youth and has wasted precious time with an old man. I have heard the jokes about our age difference from her, her family and friends Perhaps I am taking it all too seriously and you are correct in saying I should just appreciate where we are and leave it be. Thanks again. I'll try not to worry about it so much. After all, she did make the commitment, young or not, she knew what to expect with our age difference. I'll just try and make her as happy as I can. Cheers!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Go for it! It's a great way to destroy your marriage. After you do it & things go bad, make sure you post on here about it.

 

 

Are you aware that most women don't think like most guys when it comes to sex. Usually there has to be an emotional attachment. Think of the message you would be sending to her. She might assume that she & the RS means very little to you.

[autumnnight]

I'll go ahead and say that I like being with someone older. I can't really explain why, and it isn't because of some absent father psychobabble (I have a great dad). I just like it. So maybe your wife is exactly like me

[elaine567]

Think of the message you would be sending to her. She might assume that she & the RS means very little to you.

 

That is how I would have interpreted it too.

He doesn't really care for me, else he would never have considered such a thing.

I have just had his child, and he wants me to sleep with other guys... Ugh!

OR

He wants me to see other men, so he can justify seeing other women,

OR

He is fed up of me now, I don't turn him on, and he just wants to offload me onto some other man.

OR

He has a cuckold fetish.

[olderhusband]

Thank you. That makes me feel better and more secure.

[central]

I think you are making unwarranted assumptions, and need to rethink this or risk destroying your marriage.

 

First of all, a 14 year age difference isn't all that large.

Second, you aren't that old and you are fit and sexually functional.

Third, she isn't asking for an open marriage or similar.

 

Unless this is a fetish of yours (and cuckold fetish or hot wife fetish is relatively common), I'd suggest you just focus on your marriage and keep things interesting. Having a young child usually slows down a couple's sex life, but helping more with the child and household chores will remove some of the stress and fatigue and improve her libido, if that's an issue.

 

If you really want to pursue this despite good advice to the contrary, I think it's probably for your own enjoyment, not hers. And if she is interested, there is only one relatively safe way to pursue this, and that's by swinging as a couple and doing straightforward couple swap. However, under no circumstances should you ever pressure or nag her into trying this - if she has objections that you can't ethically persuade her aren't real issues, then respect that. If she is interested, have her do the research, contact emails, arrange meetings, and then jointly decide whether to proceed in any particular case. If she is in charge and has overall control of when, who, and IF, then you'll know she's okay with it.

[olderhusband]

Central, I agree with the first part of your advice. I definitely do not have a fetish and I should put more focus on our current status. This has been very helpful and I just wanted to make sure I was not in the middle of compromising her happiness and blissfully ignoring that. You all have made plenty of sense and I appreciate your input. It gives me a clearer perspective.

[jen1447]

My wife is 35 and I am 49. We have a toddler who takes up all our time and sleeps in our bed because we felt it was best. I know, I know, not the wisest choice. After 7 years of marriage we still dearly love each other and divorce is out of the question. I am sexually fit, but I think she has just gotten very used to me and her sexual desire for me has waned a bit. I am handsome and fit, but fall short in comparison to men her age that she works with and is friends with. She is very cute and has the most awesome body and personality and energy to boot. I know she has always been faithful and has no intention of cheating because of her flawless integrity, but I know she has a natural healthy sex drive and desires and attractions to other men. It is normal. I am very secure with myself and our marriage and my place with her and would be okay with her fulfilling any sexual desires she may have for others, after all, I enjoyed a fulfilling sex life throughout my youth and she is still so young and it is not fair for me to impede her opportunity to take advantage of that. My question is, am I being foolish if I tell her it is okay with me for her to have fun and enjoy herself with other men if she so desires or is it a mature, healthy decision for our marriage and for her happiness? Would I be doing the right thing or am I playing with fire? Anyone here who has experience with this situation or any wives who might have any insight as to how she might react to such a proposal? Thank you in advance for any thoughtful considerations or suggestions.

 

Seems like you've found some resolution here but I'll chime in anyway - it depends entirely on her. If she has no real inclination at all to have relations outside the marriage, offering that to her would probably creep her out. But if she does, offering a free pass might be construed as a very selfless and loving thing to do. It takes a real man to be willing to share.

[Phoe]

My ex pushed HARD trying to get me to hook up with other men. It hurt, ALOT, to feel like he did not care enough to want me all for his own.

 

I don't think she wants to have sex with other men. And if there's a bit of staleness in the sex department, spice it up between the two of you personally, don't send her out to be with someone else!!

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm in agreement with most who've already posted on here.

 

Although my situation was a bit different from yours my ex husband gave me "permission" to have an affair when were eyeball deep in the middle of a sexual and marital crisis.

 

I was floored and to say I wasn't expecting him to ever say something like would be a gross understatement particularly since he was/is so very square when it came to such things.

 

In that moment I didn't know whether to hug him or slap him. Was it really an act of selfless love to send his beloved spouse out hunting for c*ck or was it more complex and selfish than that?

 

I can't speak for your wife but I can tell you that I loved my husband and although we were having some major problems in our marriage, I loved him and desperately wanted to work things out with him. Besides, I didn't need his permission to go out and find another man. If that was something I wanted I would have done it regardless and had plenty of opportunity. But I didn't because I wanted HIM.

 

In the end his proposal did nothing but further damage our marriage and it was very difficult to recover from that.

 

Tread very carefully my friend.

[coryreply]

Thank you for your insight. I just want to be sure that she doesn't become resentful in thinking she has given up her youth and has wasted precious time with an old man. I have heard the jokes about our age difference from her, her family and friends Perhaps I am taking it all too seriously and you are correct in saying I should just appreciate where we are and leave it be. Thanks again. I'll try not to worry about it so much. After all, she did make the commitment, young or not, she knew what to expect with our age difference. I'll just try and make her as happy as I can. Cheers!

 

Absolutely, bro. You're the one she wants. Stay away from the free pass scenario. No doubt, you'd be playing with fire.

 

On a separate but related note, you guys really need to consider moving your child to his/her own bed at night. Obviously having Jr in your bed significantly hampers your sex life. On top of that, studies have shown that bed sharing is unhealthy for the child, for a variety of reasons.

[S_A]

There is so much to be said about this subject. Otherhusband may have a cuckold fetish or not (his screen name suggests he does ), but there are guys out there who give the free pass who absolutely do not have a cuckold fetish. Maybe I'll start a discussion about it one day, but I'm worried it'd piss too many people off because they'd just misinterpret it as an "attack" on a gender.

 

What I will say for now is that it is one of nature's harshest of realities to have a woman's and a man's sexual primes to be so far apart (in age). You're OK if you're a young guy in a relationship/marriage with an older woman, but many of us date/marry those that are at least pretty close to our age, and over time libido's can become very incompatible (if that's the right word).

 

My GF and I are three years apart and she already has an extremely high sex drive. Our drives match, for now, but I am on the decline and she is on the incline. When she peaks in those late 30's and gets in to her 40's (even 50's?), I know I won't be able to keep up. It is definitely a concern I have and it can be a little upsetting to think about.

 

Nature can be so cruel...

[olderhusband]

Thank you all for the advice. All of you make sense in one way or another. Sometimes I wonder if I am just attempting to have at least some control or at the very least, knowledge on what may be one of my deepest fears which is her potential infidelity. And some of you are right. If she wants to be involved with another man, she will do it with or without my blessing, so I just have to let go and put my trust and faith in her and in us as a family. All this has opened my eyes to factors that I didn't really consider before. You have all been very helpful.

[jen1447]

Thank you all for the advice. All of you make sense in one way or another. Sometimes I wonder if I am just attempting to have at least some control or at the very least, knowledge on what may be one of my deepest fears which is her potential infidelity. And some of you are right. If she wants to be involved with another man, she will do it with or without my blessing, so I just have to let go and put my trust and faith in her and in us as a family. All this has opened my eyes to factors that I didn't really consider before. You have all been very helpful.

 

I disagree that she'd automatically have an affair if she wanted to, with or without your permission. (Respectfully - I know you know her and I don't, I'm just speaking in general terms.) It could well be that she'd want to have sex with someone else but honors your marriage and her commitment to you enough that she'd never dream of doing it. But if you gave her permission and she had those inclinations, she may very well do it.

[olderhusband]

I disagree that she'd automatically have an affair if she wanted to, with or without your permission. (Respectfully - I know you know her and I don't, I'm just speaking in general terms.) It could well be that she'd want to have sex with someone else but honors your marriage and her commitment to you enough that she'd never dream of doing it. But if you gave her permission and she had those inclinations, she may very well do it.

This is what I want to understand, Jen1447. What is more damaging? If she wanted to have sex with someone else and didn't in honor of our marriage and then later became resentful over it or telling her she could play around with someone else thus entering a danger zone for our relationship? And what would be more harmful to our child, her unhappiness or our marital status?

[Michelle ma Belle]

This is what I want to understand, Jen1447. What is more damaging? If she wanted to have sex with someone else and didn't in honor of our marriage and then later became resentful over it or telling her she could play around with someone else thus entering a danger zone for our relationship? And what would be more harmful to our child, her unhappiness or our marital status?

 

What about YOUR happiness?

[jen1447]

This is what I want to understand, Jen1447. What is more damaging? If she wanted to have sex with someone else and didn't in honor of our marriage and then later became resentful over it or telling her she could play around with someone else thus entering a danger zone for our relationship? And what would be more harmful to our child, her unhappiness or our marital status?

 

That's impossible to answer without knowing your wife. What's your gut take on where she's at with it? Does she actually want sex with other guys, or is she just playing around with the concept? And what about you - would you be genuinely ok with it? What I'm getting at is that her truly wanting sex with others would mean the resentment thing would be more damaging, while if she didn't, the offer would be more damaging obviously.

 

I can't answer the child question ....I've heard opinions that everything has to be sacrificed for a child's sake in order to preserve the semblance of a strong family unit, and also that the 'semblance' of a strong family unit that's not actually strong will be obvs to the child and promote unhealthy standards and norms.

[redtail]

I hate to interrupt the party, but dude, 49, old? Come on, I'm 59 and while my wife is not quite the age difference as yours (52) we have sex like a couple of sex crazed monkeys.

 

Don't blame anything on age, you don't need anybody for your wife, just light the candles, turn up the music and make love like there's no tomorrow!

[Methodical]

Hm, keep the lines of communication open and honest. Create a judgment free zone where both of you can share your wants, fantasies, likes, and dislikes.

 

While it is true that most* men are in their prime in their twenties/thirties and most* women go into overdrive in their thirties/forties/and even fifties, that doesn't necessarily mean that as men age they can't satisfiy their partner or keep up. There are many posts on LS where women complain about the lack of sex they are receiving while other complain that they are too tired and lack desire. The same is true for men, some have a lower libido than most at a relatively young age, while other men (50+ forex) complain that they are willing and ready, and thought that their SO was supposed to be in her prime but instead she went cold and stiff as a dead fish.

 

Statistics give us relative baseline information, but the reality is that statistics are subjective. Individuals vary greatly and just bc statistics indicate that your wife will be bursting at the seam for the next decade and a half, and infomercials suggest you'd better be prepared to go to the doctor and get the little blue pill if you want to keep her happy doesn't make it so.

 

However, playing devil's advocate, if she indicated that she needs more than you are capable of supplying, AND you are completely secure in your relationship and have no problem with her seeking pleasure outside your marriage, then go for it. As others have stated, agreeing to an open relationship CAN be a slippery slope but it DOESN'T have to be. Due to my personal situation I choose to view my relationship as open, not one of a cuckhold nature, but then I'm not a fan of placing neat labels on a set of circumstances to appease the masses.

 

I don't suggest you come right out and tell her you don't have a problem with her venturing outside of your marriage for sexual gratification bc as others have stated, that could be viewed in a very negative light, which has already been explained thoroughly. But, if in discussion or fantasy talk the topic arises, you may want to expand gently and play it by ear. Bottom line is that you know your wife better than any of us, and you probably have a pretty firm grasp on her receptiveness to expanding her sexual horizon so you have to use your judgment. That said, if she chose to take you up on your offer, clear boundaries need to be set. Forex: you want to know with who and where she'll be (mainly for securities reasons), after such an encounter, are you going to need to know every minute detail? And, provided she's in agreement, you should be prepared to absorb what she tells you without resentment or vengence. And once that cat is out of the bag, you can't really put it back, nor will their be a rewind button to undo what has taken place so tread carefully.

[xxoo]

There is much more to sexual variety than different partners. Explore together. The possibilities are literally limitless just between the two of you. My guy and I have been doing it for 25 years, and we discover new tricks all the time. Also, the classics are classics for a reason. Even when it isn't new and different, it sure ain't boring!