No sex drive and husband's anxiety

[justme67]

I was doing a google search and came upon this forum. It seems men and women post here and I found a few threads where people seem to be helpful. But nothing that is really like my situation. So I figured why not post.

 

Basically, we have been married for 14 years and have a 12 year old son. While pregnant with my son it became apparent that my husband struggled with hypochondria and anxiety. To the point that he would spend hours googling, getting medical tests, etc. Over the years he has had many "deadly" ailments. But he is still here. He tends to worry and stress a lot anyway. If that was just it, there wouldn't be a huge issues. He is a wonderful man and a very good husband in many ways. A great father. The anxieties and health OCD impacted his and our lives a lot. I asked him to get help. I then demanded. He tried medication for a bit, but didn't like it and stopped. Tried one therapist and again, stopped. Over the years my anger and resentment grew. Our son has chronic lyme, OCD, tics, behavioral issues, etc. So he is very stressful to parent often. As a parent I understand that, and accept it fully. I do a lot for my son. Everything he needs me to do, immunologists, homework help, therapy sessions, meds, etc. I am the one who oversees all of that. Our life is certainly busy as well as he is an elite hockey player with a full schedule. He has to as otherwise his impulsiveness and hyperness gets him into trouble. I also own my own business. We are very busy. Which doesn't help my husband's stress level. He does not process stress well.

 

Anyway, I am also 48, I am getting older. I am sure there is some decline in libido with hormonal issues, etc. A few years ago, maybe 5 or 6, my sex drive started going south. But I did it anyway to keep the peace. Over time to the last year or so, I got really tired of pretending to want sex and feeling like a bad person, feeling guilty, feeling like I was compromising my own emotions for his, and I stopped. Not a good answer, but gritting your teeth through it and hating yourself after isn't good either.

 

To that point I kept asking him to get help. There were times I asked myself if I could live with his health OCD forever and felt I should find a therapist. But time, money, then his anxiety would calm down and things seemed better, so I didn't. But he didn't get help either. It kept coming back, but I got tired of pretending to want sex so I stopped. I kind of gave up. I had no libido at all. I had no desire for him. I did explain to him many (MANY) times that my anger and resentment was building towards him and in order for things to get better, he had to get help. He didn't. At this point I gave up, too. The tensions with sex are awful. He asks, gets rejected so he pouts and gets angry. So we don't talk or we tiptoe around for days until it passes. Or he gets oral and it appeases him for a while. Over time I did some reading and self discovery and really realized my issues are totally related to anger and resentment towards him. Last summer he asked about marriage counseling. I said I would be happy to go and try it. I was ready to own my piece etc. But I asked him to set it up. Because that to me meant he was ready to work on it. I did tell him his issues would have to be dealt with as well. Finally 8 months later he set up an appointment. She wasn't a good fit for us (judgmental) time got away from us and we ended up not seeing someone until a couple of months ago again. I had to set it up. I get he is in a cube at work and it is hard to make private calls. So I called. This one is fine, she is helpful. I am also seeing a therapist on my own.

 

He is finally seeing a therapist as a part of all of this, been to two appointments. At this point I am working with my therapist on setting up healthy boundaries, working on changing thought patterns, etc. ALl things I should have done long ago. But regardless, I am here now and no matter the outcome, the work will only benefit me no matter what. I love my husband, but often don't like him. He is a good person, he is very good to me in many ways. But I am to him as well. We enjoy each other's company, when things are not stressful. We used to joke how excited we were to retire to have time to hang out without children, etc. Over the years my resentment has taken a huge toll on enjoying his company, too. As of now he does not full accept or realize the huge impact his issues have had on us or our sex life. Frankly the sex is a symptom, not the issue. He thinks it is an issue, I know it is a symptom. So we are on different levels with understanding.

 

he worries my resentment is too much to get over. Sometimes I do, too, honestly. But I don't want to get divorced. I do want it to work. Our son would be messed up. Financially it would be difficult, very. One of us would live in poverty for sure. The area we live is very expensive and while we both work, it is just expensive to live here. I so often see a sexless marriage post, and it blames the person not wanting it. I felt like the bad person for so long, not wanting it. Felt guilty. Then just felt angry at him for not seeing and it for thinking I needed to fix my issue of not wanting sex, while he got away with not addressing his huge health OCD issue. I really got tired of being his emotional caregiver. It changed how I viewed him, truly.

 

So at this point I am working on myself, learning to focus on what I can control, myself. But also being open and honest with him about my feelings. At this point I am not ready to work on sex because I still have a TON of resentment over it (it even became an issue because he wanted it and then got mad....so it did come an issue in of itself). I want to try and work on all of it, but I do know for things to get better he has to work on his issues and get healthy. We don't drink, we eat decently. We really are good, productive people. There is no affair going on. The issues are so clear. If he chooses not to get help long term, I have to accept it. But I have drawn a line in the sand. If he does not get help for his issues, I can not live with things as they were forever. I can't. I would eventually leave. My life is too short to feel like his caregiver, or therapist. I tell him he has a right to not get help, I accept that. But I can't live like that anymore. he gets defensive. My hope is that he is on the path to understanding the impact and accepting it. Now he just feels insecure and attacked. REjected. I get that, but there is a real reason. Not be just being a bitch. I have addressed the issues with him and he has until now, refused to do anything about it. Even now, I am cautiously optimistic, because I fear he will not follow through. And I know if he doesn't, I can't go on like this.

 

To work on things I know we have to rebuild positive feelings, positive interactions. He doesn't accept that yet. He is still stuck in the no sex thing, and how that means I don't love him and we are just friends. WHile he is going through the motions of getting help, it isn't clear to him yet. I am not sure what advice I want. Or need. I wonder if spelling it all out, maybe someone will have a point of view, or similar experience, or something that will be helpful. I am not an awful wife or person, nor a bitch to him. He may have needs, but so do I. To me it seems he has done this to himself, but he fails to see the connection. I know anxiety issues can often come with denial that they need help. He has a job and functions, obviously. But at times it does mess up his life because it is all consuming. Not keeping him home from work, but nights googling that last months. Hiding it from me, etc. Getting angry at me when I don't believe he is dying (he is healthy, overweight and high blood pressure, etc) but he is fine. I don't know if anyone has any useful advice but I am open to any certainly.

 

Sorry for the novel, maybe I also needed to vent a little. Thank you!

Edited July 30, 2015 by justme67

[OldRover]

I was doing a google search and came upon this forum. It seems men and women post here and I found a few threads where people seem to be helpful. But nothing that is really like my situation. So I figured why not post.

 

Basically, we have been married for 14 years and have a 12 year old son. While pregnant with my son it became apparent that my husband struggled with hypochondria and anxiety. To the point that he would spend hours googling, getting medical tests, etc. Over the years he has had many "deadly" ailments. But he is still here. He tends to worry and stress a lot anyway. If that was just it, there wouldn't be a huge issues. He is a wonderful man and a very good husband in many ways. A great father. The anxieties and health OCD impacted his and our lives a lot. I asked him to get help. I then demanded. He tried medication for a bit, but didn't like it and stopped. Tried one therapist and again, stopped. Over the years my anger and resentment grew. Our son has chronic lyme, OCD, tics, behavioral issues, etc. So he is very stressful to parent often. As a parent I understand that, and accept it fully. I do a lot for my son. Everything he needs me to do, immunologists, homework help, therapy sessions, meds, etc. I am the one who oversees all of that. Our life is certainly busy as well as he is an elite hockey player with a full schedule. He has to as otherwise his impulsiveness and hyperness gets him into trouble. I also own my own business. We are very busy. Which doesn't help my husband's stress level. He does not process stress well.

 

Anyway, I am also 48, I am getting older. I am sure there is some decline in libido with hormonal issues, etc. A few years ago, maybe 5 or 6, my sex drive started going south. But I did it anyway to keep the peace. Over time to the last year or so, I got really tired of pretending to want sex and feeling like a bad person, feeling guilty, feeling like I was compromising my own emotions for his, and I stopped. Not a good answer, but gritting your teeth through it and hating yourself after isn't good either.

 

To that point I kept asking him to get help. There were times I asked myself if I could live with his health OCD forever and felt I should find a therapist. But time, money, then his anxiety would calm down and things seemed better, so I didn't. But he didn't get help either. It kept coming back, but I got tired of pretending to want sex so I stopped. I kind of gave up. I had no libido at all. I had no desire for him. I did explain to him many (MANY) times that my anger and resentment was building towards him and in order for things to get better, he had to get help. He didn't. At this point I gave up, too. The tensions with sex are awful. He asks, gets rejected so he pouts and gets angry. So we don't talk or we tiptoe around for days until it passes. Or he gets oral and it appeases him for a while. Over time I did some reading and self discovery and really realized my issues are totally related to anger and resentment towards him. Last summer he asked about marriage counseling. I said I would be happy to go and try it. I was ready to own my piece etc. But I asked him to set it up. Because that to me meant he was ready to work on it. I did tell him his issues would have to be dealt with as well. Finally 8 months later he set up an appointment. She wasn't a good fit for us (judgmental) time got away from us and we ended up not seeing someone until a couple of months ago again. I had to set it up. I get he is in a cube at work and it is hard to make private calls. So I called. This one is fine, she is helpful. I am also seeing a therapist on my own.

 

He is finally seeing a therapist as a part of all of this, been to two appointments. At this point I am working with my therapist on setting up healthy boundaries, working on changing thought patterns, etc. ALl things I should have done long ago. But regardless, I am here now and no matter the outcome, the work will only benefit me no matter what. I love my husband, but often don't like him. He is a good person, he is very good to me in many ways. But I am to him as well. We enjoy each other's company, when things are not stressful. We used to joke how excited we were to retire to have time to hang out without children, etc. Over the years my resentment has taken a huge toll on enjoying his company, too. As of now he does not full accept or realize the huge impact his issues have had on us or our sex life. Frankly the sex is a symptom, not the issue. He thinks it is an issue, I know it is a symptom. So we are on different levels with understanding.

 

he worries my resentment is too much to get over. Sometimes I do, too, honestly. But I don't want to get divorced. I do want it to work. Our son would be messed up. Financially it would be difficult, very. One of us would live in poverty for sure. The area we live is very expensive and while we both work, it is just expensive to live here. I so often see a sexless marriage post, and it blames the person not wanting it. I felt like the bad person for so long, not wanting it. Felt guilty. Then just felt angry at him for not seeing and it for thinking I needed to fix my issue of not wanting sex, while he got away with not addressing his huge health OCD issue. I really got tired of being his emotional caregiver. It changed how I viewed him, truly.

 

So at this point I am working on myself, learning to focus on what I can control, myself. But also being open and honest with him about my feelings. At this point I am not ready to work on sex because I still have a TON of resentment over it (it even became an issue because he wanted it and then got mad....so it did come an issue in of itself). I want to try and work on all of it, but I do know for things to get better he has to work on his issues and get healthy. We don't drink, we eat decently. We really are good, productive people. There is no affair going on. The issues are so clear. If he chooses not to get help long term, I have to accept it. But I have drawn a line in the sand. If he does not get help for his issues, I can not live with things as they were forever. I can't. I would eventually leave. My life is too short to feel like his caregiver, or therapist. I tell him he has a right to not get help, I accept that. But I can't live like that anymore. he gets defensive. My hope is that he is on the path to understanding the impact and accepting it. Now he just feels insecure and attacked. REjected. I get that, but there is a real reason. Not be just being a bitch. I have addressed the issues with him and he has until now, refused to do anything about it. Even now, I am cautiously optimistic, because I fear he will not follow through. And I know if he doesn't, I can't go on like this.

 

To work on things I know we have to rebuild positive feelings, positive interactions. He doesn't accept that yet. He is still stuck in the no sex thing, and how that means I don't love him and we are just friends. WHile he is going through the motions of getting help, it isn't clear to him yet. I am not sure what advice I want. Or need. I wonder if spelling it all out, maybe someone will have a point of view, or similar experience, or something that will be helpful. I am not an awful wife or person, nor a bitch to him. He may have needs, but so do I. To me it seems he has done this to himself, but he fails to see the connection. I know anxiety issues can often come with denial that they need help. He has a job and functions, obviously. But at times it does mess up his life because it is all consuming. Not keeping him home from work, but nights googling that last months. Hiding it from me, etc. Getting angry at me when I don't believe he is dying (he is healthy, overweight and high blood pressure, etc) but he is fine. I don't know if anyone has any useful advice but I am open to any certainly.

 

Sorry for the novel, maybe I also needed to vent a little. Thank you!

 

I'm wondering if he doesn't need a better Dr., or at least a second opinion. There are good meds for anxiety out there. Some may not affect sex much and some do. The drugs that are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) are hard on sex. (Citalopram Hydrobromide, Celexa, Cipramil are examples). Xanax works pretty well, but has some side effects. There may be other treatments, too. Anxiety is a HUGE negative to have around.

[StalwartMind]

I'm well aware that long posts aren't for everyone, but there are those who do enjoy as well as care to read. Most stories have more than one side to it, although that doesn't prevent people from quickly blaming one part. Depending on the content written, sometimes one is left with very little insight into the given situation. I do think you did great job explaining your thoughts as well as trying to reflect on the situation. To me it's important to look at things from all perspectives, as it typically grants a much better overview of everything.

 

When it comes to anything related to intimacy, I feel it it harsh and also immature to just blame one part. Our drive, desire, passion is very much dictated by our mood and things that affect us. In your case, whether your husband or others understand it or not, there are many things you feel need to be better before you can enjoy your life better, including things such as sex. Too often people get caught up in their selfish thoughts and needs, when perhaps all would be needed to solve a situation is to pay a bit of attention to their partner and do something that would make them very happy. I also don't believe what you are asking of him is something unreasonable, but I guess men especially of a certain generation can be a bit more bullheaded.

 

People misinterpret things all the time, even couples such as yourself who have been together for a long time. This is both funny and scary at the same time, but it goes to show how incredibly complex humans can be, even if you would think they would have a pretty good understanding of each other after so long. I guess that in some sense it is important to pick up signals early on in a relationship, which one believe may lead to trouble further down the road. Even so it's still possible for people to get through rough periods but you will remain stagnant as long as one part isn't willing to put in the effort to change. Being stuck in a mindset isn't healthy to me, especially if it is something that is selfish. I'm a huge fan of people with an open mind, it's fine we all have preferences but if we just blindly block of options then we also end up creating conflicts, big or small, that could of been avoided otherwise.

 

Life is indeed to short to spend it with someone who causes you to feel incomplete or as if things could be better. Sometimes good couples and people leave each other, it's especially unfortunate if it could of been prevented if the one part actually just made a bit more effort, but alas that's how it sometimes has to be. I understand that people who are being left will often feel hurt, and they want sympathy, but as I said most stories have more than one side to it. Humans in general are good at not looking at their own flaws and mistakes, since it's so much easier just to blame others. I feel in your case your husband in lacking some clarity and he let his mood be dependent on wrong areas. It's no way for a grown man to be angry or upset because he doesn't get what he wants. If only some people knew that with a bit more effort, they could actually have a lot more. I do believe there are many benefits to paying attention to what your partner says, especially if you communicate well, and can understand each other. Sadly even seasoned couples who perhaps didn't get to explore certain sides early on a relationship, will always face certain conflicts due to stubborn individual sides of some areas.

 

There are many advantages for him to get help, improving yourself should always be in everyone's interest, instead of just accepting things as they are. When you know they can be better we should all strive towards that goal, even if there are obstacles in our way. To me everything you said is very clear, and I don't see anything in which you wrote which would make you be an awful or bitchy wife. Quite the contrary actually, you seem sensible and it's unfortunate he perhaps doesn't quite realize how you have already gone to lengths to please him, at the sacrifice of your own values and opinion. Ideally none of us should have to do that, but there are just so many circumstances which make people end up doing so, because ultimately non (or most) of us want to be disliked.

 

Sometimes a person does need to be given an ultimatum before they realize the seriousness of something. It's unfortunate it has to come to that, but I guess a late wake up call is better than non at all. You've given and been more than what so many others would of offered. This of course may seem somewhat irrelevant as it hasn't yielded better results, although hopefully your husband will realize that he should be lucky to have a wife such as you. I think it's difficult for anyone to give some sound and guaranteed advice that will work, because humans are so unpredictable and everyone needs to be handled in a unique way. On a personal note, if your situation was my situation, then I would of understood if my wife left me long ago, but to me it's important that I understand and care about everything she feels, as I know her feeling comfortable, safe, appreciated and understood is vital.

 

While we all have different temperaments I feel like he isn't handling things as elegantly as one could, I wouldn't appreciate that myself and drawing a line in the sand to get things changed, is honestly a very kind way for someone to realize the importance of an issue. Despite I'm only in my mid 30s I made peace long ago with whatever will happen in life will happen, as such I already accept people doing or not doing whatever they will. In the end there are no guarantees of anything, except that we eventually will die. I just want to enjoy life to the most of my ability and anyone who wants to be in my life and can accept my simple requirements I also feel will really enjoy my company. Again I hope your husband will see reason, but either way you'll probably find more peace with accepting whatever outcome may happen. Doesn't mean that either of you are bad people, not every situation need to have someone pointed out as being the "bad guy".

[Mr. Lucky]

But I don't want to get divorced. I do want it to work. Our son would be messed up. Financially it would be difficult, very. One of us would live in poverty for sure. The area we live is very expensive and while we both work, it is just expensive to live here.

 

If this is true then your position on sex doesn't make sense. No one - you, your husband or your son - benefits by your "line in the sand" and it almost guarantees a home environment (which you've already described) where divorce is preferential.

 

You have every justification for separation and divorce. But if you're going to stay, you have the responsibility to work on all parts of your marriage, intimacy included...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

 

You have every justification for separation and divorce. But if you're going to stay, you have the responsibility to work on all parts of your marriage, intimacy included...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes ^^^^^^^^^

 

You have the right to divorce him and move on with your life. But you don't have the right to hold him in marriage for the benefits you want to keep but deny him (and yourself) intimac, which is a crucial element and the one component that makes our special someone special and what separates the marital relationship apart from all other relationships.

 

If you want the benefits of marriage, then you must afford the responsibilities of marriage as well.

 

That being said, he also bears the responsibilities of putting forth full faith into making himself as desirable as possible to you which includes taking responsibility and addressing he things that turn you off and destroy your desire for him.

 

If he wants to remain married and have an intimate relationship, then he too must take accountability and commit to fostering a comprehensive relationship and address his problems to the best of his abilities.

 

Neither of you gets to pick and choose which aspects of the marriage you want to preserve and neglect the rest.

 

You have the right to leave the marriage. But you don't have the right to half-ass the marriage and try to hold him in it.

[oldshirt]

BTW I think your reasons for your lack of attraction and desire for him are valid. And I think if he wants to have a healthy, happy marriage with you he needs to get off his butt and get serious treatment.

 

And as I said before, you'd be justified in throwing in the towel.

 

You just don't have the right pick the components of the marriage you want to keep and cross off the rest.

[Lois_Griffin]

You just don't have the right pick the components of the marriage you want to keep and cross off the rest.

Which her husband has done since Day #1 by NOT getting help for his disorder and allowing it to eventually drive her to where she is now.

 

Personally, it sounds like you've got two needy male children to take care of PLUS run your business PLUS bust your butt around the house. No wonder you're exhausted.

 

Honestly? There's just NOTHING appealing about a man who acts like a paranoid little drama queen.

 

Nothing.

 

You're a saint.

[mrldii]

In addition to what others have written, you deserve to look forward to and enjoy sexual intimacy, too, within the confines of a committed relationship.

 

It is absolutely possible/probable that your lack of desire is tied to his issues and a lack of respect for his inability (lack of desire?) to get a handle on it.

 

It is also possible that your own impending menopause and the havoc it wreaks on your hormones, is playing a part in your lack of desire...and/or exacerbating the situation.

 

 

In addition to getting individual/couples counseling, I'd look into a gyno visit; if your hormones are out of whack, getting those back on track may help give you a more peaceful and balanced sense of self...regardless of which choice (stay or go) you ultimately make.

 

 

Best of everything to you, OP...

[justme67]

Thank you for the replies, I really do appreciate them. I totally agree no one gets to choose the parts they will work and won't. The issue for anything to change or improve, both have to commit to working on the issues. As of yet, he hasn't done a lot of that. I have pushed for marriage counseling. I have pushed so far for any homework the therapist has given us. Believe me, I am not holding him to a marriage that only gives me what I want. If he doesn't want to change, he has that right. But I won't keep going down this same path, then. So that kind of makes the decision for him. Or even if he says no, he doesn't want to work on things, I am the one that is wrong. Then fine, go. It would suck. But I am trying to improve things. It isn't just up to me, however. I don't know that I am a saint, but I don't think I am a bad person either. I have spent months and years trying to explore if this made me a bad person or a selfish person. I am learning it does not. We are stuck in a co-dependant cycle and I am working hard at breaking out of my part of that. It just seems to me that while I see so many complain about lack of sex, I have almost drawn a road map for him to WHY this is an issue and he just can't grasp it. I wish he would take meds. But he won't. He gets very defensive about it saying all I want him to do is to take a drug so he stops being a PITA. he is a "victim" and turns most things into trying to make things look like someone else is to blame. People that suffer from this health OCD often do. I am learning that. in general he is a wonderful person and has many wonderful qualities. I will be sad if he lets this ruin out marriage. Because if he could only do his part and get the help he needs, it could be so good. There are days I wonder if I have the energy to do all this work. I admit that. I love him, but I am also emotionally exhausted after years of this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I totally agree no one gets to choose the parts they will work and won't. The issue for anything to change or improve, both have to commit to working on the issues. As of yet, he hasn't done a lot of that. I have pushed for marriage counseling. I have pushed so far for any homework the therapist has given us.

 

He's not the one posting. Had he started the thread, he'd be getting similarly themed advice about owning his own sh*t and taking responsibility for his role in the marriage. No one has suggested this is all - or even primarily - on you.

 

Believe me, I am not holding him to a marriage that only gives me what I want.

 

You're holding him to a marriage that doesn't give him what he wants. Even if one considers your "eye for an eye" approach to be justified, at what price does it come? Don't you deserve more and better?

 

Mr. Lucky

[justme67]

He's not the one posting. Had he started the thread, he'd be getting similarly themed advice about owning his own sh*t and taking responsibility for his role in the marriage. No one has suggested this is all - or even primarily - on you.

 

True.

 

 

You're holding him to a marriage that doesn't give him what he wants. Even if one considers your "eye for an eye" approach to be justified, at what price does it come? Don't you deserve more and better?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I do.

[CarrieT]

Yes, I do.

 

But doesn't he as well deserve more and better than what he is getting?

[Qboro90]

Apologies up front but I am a bit confused about a few things. You outlined a lot in your OP so maybe I'm just not getting the timeline correct. From my understanding he has been to therapy once and it did not work out well due to the therapist being judgmental. Then recently he began seeing one again and had had 2 appointments this far. He's also tried medication but it did not go well and he stopped. You're also seeing a therapist currently. Is that right?

 

You contradict yourself throughout saying that he is a wonderful man, husband, and father... Then say that you have so much resentment towards him you can't get over it and you have 0 libido now. You have a decision to make: either you Can get past your resentment or you can't. In my

Opinion if you haven't been able to by now then you never will. Playing both sides of the fence isn't going to work. You can either decide to be fully invested and focus on his good qualities Or give up and realize that this is the way he is and despite minor changes by therapy or medication, you're just not attracted to your husband anymore.

 

Also I'm sure that the lack of sex or complete absence of it has killed any motivation on his part to seek therapy or medication. You've cut off and shown no interest in it and have vocalized it to him "many many times". How would you feel if your hubby told you he just wasn't attracted to you anymore? Kind of a buzz kill and demoralizing as well as a crush to his ego I'm sure.

 

If he's in therapy now or just starting then you can start having sex more. It's a 2 way street. Sex can be his prize for seeking/getting help. But what you can't do is withhold sex until you feel he's become the man/husband you want. He'll be waiting forever and that's unfair to him. There is no "end point" that he can strive towards. It's totally a judgement on your opinion therefore he cannot know when he's gained your attraction back or when he's turned the corner. That's tough to do for a man or anyone for that matter.

[justme67]

But doesn't he as well deserve more and better than what he is getting?

 

That is up to him to decide. To this point he has not seemed to think so. I would honestly love to see him want to get the help for himself. Not for me. I would hope he wants to be happier and healthier. But again, that is his choice. I have given, given. I am learning the work that is now needed for him to have more and better is up to him.

[lovinDKT3]

"I will be sad if HE allows this to ruin our marriage"

 

Sadly, this is why your marriage will fail. Your placing this all on his plate. Rejection hurts, and you have been rejecting him for years. Leaving him feeling unloved, unwanted and undesired.

 

What is his incentive to change? He doesn't believe you love him. I was once told in therapy that I can only change me, I had to focus on that, my husband had to focus on him then we could focus on US. You are NOT owning your role here, you don't seem to see that he has also been building anger and resentment towards you.

 

Start with YOU, him working on himself or not is NOT a factor in you fixing yourself.

 

I will be honest, you really come across as "USING" him because you fear being on your own.

[justme67]

Apologies up front but I am a bit confused about a few things. You outlined a lot in your OP so maybe I'm just not getting the timeline correct. From my understanding he has been to therapy once and it did not work out well due to the therapist being judgmental. Then recently he began seeing one again and had had 2 appointments this far. He's also tried medication but it did not go well and he stopped. You're also seeing a therapist currently. Is that right?

 

You contradict yourself throughout saying that he is a wonderful man, husband, and father... Then say that you have so much resentment towards him you can't get over it and you have 0 libido now. You have a decision to make: either you Can get past your resentment or you can't. In my

Opinion if you haven't been able to by now then you never will. Playing both sides of the fence isn't going to work. You can either decide to be fully invested and focus on his good qualities Or give up and realize that this is the way he is and despite minor changes by therapy or medication, you're just not attracted to your husband anymore.

 

Also I'm sure that the lack of sex or complete absence of it has killed any motivation on his part to seek therapy or medication. You've cut off and shown no interest in it and have vocalized it to him "many many times". How would you feel if your hubby told you he just wasn't attracted to you anymore? Kind of a buzz kill and demoralizing as well as a crush to his ego I'm sure.

 

If he's in therapy now or just starting then you can start having sex more. It's a 2 way street. Sex can be his prize for seeking/getting help. But what you can't do is withhold sex until you feel he's become the man/husband you want. He'll be waiting forever and that's unfair to him. There is no "end point" that he can strive towards. It's totally a judgement on your opinion therefore he cannot know when he's gained your attraction back or when he's turned the corner. That's tough to do for a man or anyone for that matter.

 

I see my prolific rambling can be confusing. He tried to see a therapist years ago but didn't feel he had any issues so he stopped. We saw a therapist a few months ago who was judgmental. Judging parenting skills before even staying hello to is. She wasn't a good fit.

 

I totally understand lack if sex is an issue. But it is a part if what has to be fixed. It is easy to say it me to just do it. Buy I could say the same, he should just fix his issues. It isn't that easy on both parts.

 

My part about taking about him as a wonderful person in many ways is true. Someone can have many wonderful qualities. But if they are a drunk or cheat or refuse of get help for a mental illness, that issue can outweigh the good. He isn't a bad person. But his illness may stress our marriage too much. Time will tell. We are both in therapy. As well as MC. I am doing all I can. I am addressing the issue that I have control of. But I have hit a wall of what I will put up with any longer. To improve, he has to be a part of the solution. I m sure hearing I have no desire sucks. But what about being told you are a horrible spouse because you don't believe he is dying of lung cancer, aids, liver cancer, on and on.....that kind of stinks too. I am human. I have reactions to this after years and years. I won't take responsibility for his motivation to get help. He has to what to or not. That is on him.

 

Your right. I can't do both sides of the fence. But it isn't black and white. I am willing to give it one more chance. But he has to be a part of it. Or I am done. His willingness to work on his issues would go a long way in healing my resentment. As if yet he is still claiming I pressuring him to get help. I am not. But if he wants things to get better, it takes two.

[mrldii]

"I will be sad if HE allows this to ruin our marriage"

 

Sadly, this is why your marriage will fail. Your placing this all on his plate. Rejection hurts, and you have been rejecting him for years. Leaving him feeling unloved, unwanted and undesired...

 

 

As someone else pointed out earlier, hubby has been acting and living like another child in the house...constantly needing tending to, constantly *suffering* from imaginary illnesses, all the while truly suffering from real ones and refusing to do anything about it.

 

I don't know how long I'D be wanting to have sex with someone who lives as if they are my child...

 

...the fact that she faked it for years and then grew disgusted with herself for faking it proves she's made of different stuff than I am.

 

 

But, I do agree...you BOTH played - and continue to play - a part in this. You BOTH need counseling...individually (whether you stay or go) AND as a couple if you're going to get this marriage back on track as two adults, rather than a mothering wife and babied husband.

 

 

 

ETA: Well, there ya go...I just read your last post, OP. You ARE both getting counseling, both individually and together. If he's only been going for 2 sessions, it's probably waaaay too early to make any final decisions about anything. Continue being open and honest in your private sessions and giving your all to the joint ones. Things will become clearer over time, regardless of how much - or little - he participates and contributes during his solo or joint sessions.

Edited July 31, 2015 by mrldii

[justme67]

"I will be sad if HE allows this to ruin our marriage"

 

Sadly, this is why your marriage will fail. Your placing this all on his plate. Rejection hurts, and you have been rejecting him for years. Leaving him feeling unloved, unwanted and undesired.

 

What is his incentive to change? He doesn't believe you love him. I was once told in therapy that I can only change me, I had to focus on that, my husband had to focus on him then we could focus on US. You are NOT owning your role here, you don't seem to see that he has also been building anger and resentment towards you.

 

Start with YOU, him working on himself or not is NOT a factor in you fixing yourself.

 

I will be honest, you really come across as "USING" him because you fear being on your own.

 

He has to change for him. Not me. His incentive is his own happiness. In the process he could save his marriage.

 

I do own my role fully. I have close to given up. Keep in mind I am in therapy and working on resentment and anger, working on boundaries etc. a hell of a lot of stuff. Even working on changing negative thought about him to positive. Lots do CBT. I am not using him. I am married and giving it my all. I am looking at the issue s we would face and trying to work on the parts to save this marriage that I can. We would have other issue divorcing. There is in right answer. Or easy answer. I could say he is using me as an emotional crutch all tense years. I wouldn't do all this work if I didn't want it to work.

[Qboro90]

I see my prolific rambling can be confusing. He tried to see a therapist years ago but didn't feel he had any issues so he stopped. We saw a therapist a few months ago who was judgmental. Judging parenting skills before even staying hello to is. She wasn't a good fit.

 

I totally understand lack if sex is an issue. But it is a part if what has to be fixed. It is easy to say it me to just do it. Buy I could say the same, he should just fix his issues. It isn't that easy on both parts.

 

My part about taking about him as a wonderful person in many ways is true. Someone can have many wonderful qualities. But if they are a drunk or cheat or refuse of get help for a mental illness, that issue can outweigh the good. He isn't a bad person. But his illness may stress our marriage too much. Time will tell. We are both in therapy. As well as MC. I am doing all I can. I am addressing the issue that I have control of. But I have hit a wall of what I will put up with any longer. To improve, he has to be a part of the solution. I m sure hearing I have no desire sucks. But what about being told you are a horrible spouse because you don't believe he is dying of lung cancer, aids, liver cancer, on and on.....that kind of stinks too. I am human. I have reactions to this after years and years. I won't take responsibility for his motivation to get help. He has to what to or not. That is on him.

 

Your right. I can't do both sides of the fence. But it isn't black and white. I am willing to give it one more chance. But he has to be a part of it. Or I am done. His willingness to work on his issues would go a long way in healing my resentment. As if yet he is still claiming I pressuring him to get help. I am not. But if he wants things to get better, it takes two.

 

 

 

So at the moment right now he is doing exactly what you are asking of him. Seeing a therapist and doing counseling with you. Granted it's only been a short amount of time but I think that you should give this a chance. The fact that you've posted this when you just started counseling together kind of tells me that you've given up before even trying with him. Or that you've determined it won't help/he will fail without giving him the benefit of the doubt for the next month or two and see how this counseling goes and what changes it causes.

[justme67]

So at the moment right now he is doing exactly what you are asking of him. Seeing a therapist and doing counseling with you. Granted it's only been a short amount of time but I think that you should give this a chance. The fact that you've posted this when you just started counseling together kind of tells me that you've given up before even trying with him. Or that you've determined it won't help/he will fail without giving him the benefit of the doubt for the next month or two and see how this counseling goes and what changes it causes.

 

I am totally giving it a chance.

[CarrieT]

He has to change for him. Not me. His incentive is his own happiness. In the process he could save his marriage.

I'm sorry if I missed it, but has he expressed unhappiness in himself?

[Hope Shimmers]

First - you are a very articulate writer, and your story comes through (on both sides) so much more readily than many others we read here.

 

I am a little baffled why some of the previous posts are more or less 'favoring' your husband in this whole thing. I think part of that is peoples' own issues/situations getting in the way.

 

One thing I was confused about in your story - you said you lost your libido. I think you said it happened in your mid to late 40's if I read correctly. That is actually not that uncommon as most women go through menopause then (I am the same age as you but am lucky that I have genetic goodness - my mom didn't go through menopause until almost age 60). So the question is this - the lack of libido, is it related to you and changing biology OR is it related to him? You suggested the latter throughout but never really confirmed it.

 

I can understand your issues with your H. But it's up to him to get help for his issues. He needs to see a good counselor, obviously (psychiatrist, because he needs meds). It is on HIM to do this.

 

I think you should set a deadline by which some headway should be made, and make your decision that way. He needs to meet you in the middle.

[mrldii]

So at the moment right now he is doing exactly what you are asking of him. Seeing a therapist and doing counseling with you. Granted it's only been a short amount of time but I think that you should give this a chance. The fact that you've posted this when you just started counseling together kind of tells me that you've given up before even trying with him. Or that you've determined it won't help/he will fail without giving him the benefit of the doubt for the next month or two and see how this counseling goes and what changes it causes.

 

 

My money's on she posted this because it's fairly early in her counseling, too, and the thoughts, feelings, fears, and disappointments come flooding back during her sessions and don't stop and go away once the counselor/therapist says, "Times up!!!"

 

and she needs a place to vent.

 

 

And, OP, I disagree with the suggestion(s) that now that he's being a good boy and doing what you've asked of him, you should give him a *cookie*. That's the kind of B.S. that contributed to the state your marriage is in...more of the same B.S. ain't gonna make it better.

 

 

From what I've read, your heart's in the right place; if his is, too, and you both continue with counseling, I'm pretty sure you'll BOTH be enjoying sex, again...enthusiastically.

 

Best of everything to you...both...

[justme67]

My money's on she posted this because it's fairly early in her counseling, too, and the thoughts, feelings, fears, and disappointments come flooding back during her sessions and don't stop and go away once the counselor/therapist says, "Times up!!!"

 

and she needs a place to vent.

 

 

And, OP, I disagree with the suggestion(s) that now that he's being a good boy and doing what you've asked of him, you should give him a *cookie*. That's the kind of B.S. that contributed to the state your marriage is in...more of the same B.S. ain't gonna make it better.

 

 

From what I've read, your heart's in the right place; if his is, too, and you both continue with counseling, I'm pretty sure you'll BOTH be enjoying sex, again...enthusiastically.

 

Best of everything to you...both...

 

Agreed. I am not giving up. I am looking for a place to vent, sure. But also for emotional support, possibly others that may understand a bit, or even have ideas or view points I did not think of that might be helpful.

 

Saying that, yes, giving in just to keep the peace or make him happy, yet compromise my own emotional health is part of the pattern that got us to where we are. Using sex as a bandaid isn't the answer. Two therapy sessions do not show me anything at this point except he is going through the motions of what he thinks is what he is suppose to do. I do acknowledge it is a step in the right direction, but it is just a step. A step he has taken before and stopped. Going through the motions of doing something and really taking part with your whole being are two different things. If being at the therapist sparks the start of the healing journey for him, awesome. It is certainly better than refusing to take the step at all. But it does not show enough to me that he is really invested and I still believe he is doing it out of what he feels is the expectation. Time will tell. It will take time to work through all of this, and I am learning to be ok with that.

 

My heart is in the right place, yes. My motivation is also for the right reasons. At this point to first become more emotionally healthy for myself, and then to impact my marriage in a positive way. I am working through exercises and different angles to work on my issues. Some work for me, some don't. Live and learn what works. If he doesn't want to get help, I fully accept that. The transitions life would take for us all would suck, but many, many, many people go through it and come out ok in the end. I can't control him, only myself. I really hope he wants to and does the work that is necessary for him. I do, believe me. I haven't given up, I am preparing myself physically and emotionally in case he doesn't. I have drawn a line yes, but we all have to decide what we can and can not deal with in a relationship. Feeling like the mother to an adult child is not something I can deal with for the rest of my life. Period. Doesn't mean I have given up or that I don't love him. Means I love myself enough to take care of myself and to work on myself to the full extent I can, which would help the marriage too. Healthier though patterns for all of us are only a good thing.

 

We are back the only cycle today because he asked for oral and I was exhausted last night. I said no. So he pouted. Asked if I was mad. barely talking to me this morning. Yeah, fun times. I am being "punished." Except now I am learning tell myself his mood is his issue, not mine. I can't control it. But I can control my reaction and thought process. we used to tiptoe around for days until he got over his "wounded" mood. Sorry, but that isn't a turn on. It is passive aggressive. I am pulling the plug and not playing anymore. We have to start developing healthier habits. So I am working on my side. Sorry for rambling, might be the two cups of coffee. lol

[justme67]

The other thing I will say though, is there are certainly days when I ask myself if I can do this. I won't lie. Today after his latest hissy fit and pouting over me saying no to oral sex last night, makes me want to flee, I admit it. These are thoughts. They are not what I want most, in the end. But there are days I imagine we all think this way when things are difficult. Doesn't mean I am giving up or anything. But there are days I get so tired of the struggle and the work, the tension and I wonder would it just be easier. Those thoughts do creep in, I can't lie. Time will give me the answer to that, but there are days one wonders...The old pattern of him feeling wounded and like the victim are so very exhausting.