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Binge Drinking Partner


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happywithlife

I am a divorced mother of two who thought she was being very cautious while dating and taking the next step into a relationship. I met my current partner and waited months before my children even knew we were dating. We didn't move in together for 2 years. I wanted to make sure that I was entering a relationship that would be healthy for everyone involved. In many ways, my partner is the man of my dreams. He is good with both sets of our children, has a good job, and we are very compatible. Before moving in together, we would spend weekends together as well as ample time during the week.

 

He has one issue that I am not sure exactly how to approach. Before we moved in together, he was living with his parents (due to his divorce and going back to school for another career) and he barely drank. (We might have 1-2 drinks a week together). He admitted that he did drink rather heavily when his marriage was bad but quit for 3 years.

 

We have been living together for a year. During the work week, he barely drinks. On the weekends or on days he has off though, he has been drinking a substantial amount. He is now to the point where he will have around 10 drinks in one night, often hiding several of the drinks. On the nights he drinks like this, he will first talk negatively about several topics and then abruptly fall asleep early in the evening.

 

I know this behavior is considered binge drinking and unhealthy for everyone in the equation - my partner, myself, and the children. It is definitely having a negative impact on our relationship. If, I had ever seen my partner drink like this prior to living together, I would have had serious doubts and not have moved in with him. I approached him several months ago and expressed my worry about his drinking. I phrased my concern as his drinking being out of character and was worried about his stress levels. I let him know that I was there for him and wanted him to be healthy and happy. He slowed down for a while and is now back to drinking large quantities.

 

How do I best approach this situation for the second time? I don't want to throw away what is otherwise a good relationship, do not want to become a nag, but will want to sit by quietly while this festers into a larger problem.

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Al-Anon OR end it with him; or end it with him AND Al-Anon.

 

You've already told him his binge drinking distresses you; he's already admitted he "used to" have a problem with alcohol, but 'doesn't anymore'; he's already hiding (some of the 10+) drinks he's having, so he's aware it's a problem.

 

YOU'RE not going to fix him; YOU'RE not going to *make* him be who he was when you two were initially getting together.

 

You need to get over your attachment to 'being very careful before introducing him to the kids'; this is clouding your ability to see this is NOT, any longer, a good situation for them.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

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I didn't see the word "alcoholic" anywhere in your post. Is there a reason you're tiptoeing around the term?

 

From the Mayo Clinic website, here are the symptoms:

 

Alcohol use disorder can be mild, moderate or severe, based on the number of symptoms you experience. Signs and symptoms may include:

 

- Being unable to limit the amount of alcohol you drink

- Wanting to cut down on how much you drink or making unsuccessful attempts to do so

- Spending a lot of time drinking, getting alcohol or recovering from alcohol use

- Feeling a strong craving or urge to drink alcohol

- Failing to fulfill major obligations at work, school or home due to repeated alcohol use

- Continuing to drink alcohol even though you know it's causing physical, social or interpersonal problems

- Giving up or reducing social and work activities and hobbies

- Using alcohol in situations where it's not safe, such as when driving or swimming

- Developing a tolerance to alcohol so you need more to feel its effect or you have a reduced effect from the same amount

- Experiencing withdrawal symptoms — such as nausea, sweating and shaking — when you don't drink, or drinking to avoid these symptoms

 

Your partner needs help and treatment to avoid derailing his life and your relationship. I'd have a more direct conversation with him about it...

 

Mr. Lucky

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TaraMaiden2
Al-Anon OR end it with him; or end it with him AND Al-Anon.

...

YOU'RE not going to fix him; YOU'RE not going to *make* him be who he was when you two were initially getting together.

 

You need to get over your attachment to 'being very careful before introducing him to the kids'; this is clouding your ability to see this is NOT, any longer, a good situation for them.

 

 

Best of luck to you...

 

Absolutely all of this, but the bolded in particular.

 

You WANT him to totally see it from your PoV, and you know why?

Because you want him to change, to prove to yourself that you are not guilty of an error of judgement.

 

You don't want to have been wrong about him.

 

But he already warned you he drank a lot before.

Before it was as a blanket against the hurt he felt.

Now, it's a comfort zone he feels he can relax into because you're 'tolerating' it by not giving him too hard a hard time.

The bottom line is, he's drinking because he wants to.

 

I would reiterate what has been said: This is unfixable, by you.

There is nothing you can ever do, or say, that will stop him doing what he's doing.

HE is the only one who can grab the bull by the horns and action a reveral remedy.

 

I'll be honest with you: It could take years, and he would have to hit rock-bottom first.

 

Are you in this for the long haul? Because trust me, if you are, you'd better prepare yourself for a world of hurt and a shedload of helpless anguish...

 

I don't want to throw away what is otherwise a good relationship

You're not. HE is.

 

do not want to become a nag, but will want to sit by quietly while this festers into a larger problem.

You're already doing that, and it already is....

Edited by TaraMaiden2
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...Are you in this for the long haul? Because trust me, if you are, you'd better prepare yourself for a world of hurt and a shedload of helpless anguish...

 

 

'Ask' your kids if they're in for the long haul, too...

 

 

[No, don't really ask them...it's your job to protect them from stuff like this, even if it means reversing a previously set-course.]

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'Ask' your kids if they're in for the long haul, too...

 

 

[No, don't really ask them...it's your job to protect them from stuff like this, even if it means reversing a previously set-course.]

 

And if you stay they should attend Al-Anon with you. You may be so wrapped in the effect of his drinking on you that you're not aware of the family dynamic...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Poppygoodwill

He may not be an alcoholic yet, and I really hope not. But it does seem he's on the path that way if he doesn't get a hold of it. Self-awareness is key here, in my experience. A 'normal' person - like you - will have a drink or two and stop. Because that's enough for them and they know it's not really healthy. They might get drunk one evening and suffer the next day and not do it again for a long while. Or they might have a ritual blow-out once in a while with friends and drink very little in between. They self-regulate in other words, because alcohol is not a key part of their everyday life and they don't *need* it to change their moods or mask their feelings or make them feel something, which are among the reasons that alcoholics reach for the bottle.

 

So the question I would ask is "how self-aware is he about his drinking?"

 

He seems to be when reflecting on the post-divorce period, and of course it sort of makes sense then, but what's important is right now.

 

Does he understand why he's drinking to excess on the weekends now? Is he willing to have you ask the question and discuss it?

 

My mother drank herself to death, and truly it was a progressive illness. She never missed a day of work and she kept a lovely home, but year on year it got worse and worse. And she got more and more clever in hiding it. For a long time she denied it outright, then when it was too obvious, she would *appear* to be self -aware ("yes, yes, it's not healthy. I do have a problem. I must change this.") but I realized - too late - she was just buying time to keep me off her back.

 

It really is a no win situation and the others are dead right when they say that there is NOTHING you can do to stop his drinking if he's a problem drinker on teh way to being an alcoholic. He's got to know why he drinks, and want to change it, or you'll just watch him go down.

 

I'm really sorry for all this negativity, but it's important to be eyes open with all this. It is possible that he's a periodic drinker, and so he really did stop for a long while. Then the question is: what is the stress that's brought it back? And what else can he do about it? And what's the pattern overall through his life that made him over-indulge? When he knows these triggers, he can change his behaviour. Not before I'm afraid.

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Michelle ma Belle

Having grown up around and exposed to and even dated more than my fair share of alcoholics both sober and in perpetual denial, Al-Anon should be the very first thing you do and the very least thing you do in terms of how best to deal with this for the betterment of you and your children.

 

Good luck.

Edited by Michelle ma Belle
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I am in long term recovery. I stopped drinking in 2007 and my pattern was not unlike his. My marriage was very unhappy...I drank to escape mentally because I didn't think I could get out (exH would make threats). I'd give up drinking for periods of time because I'd get worried...but each time I'd start again it would get worse. It is a PROGRESSIVE disease.

 

Its great that you have introduced him slowly and cautiously to your kids. You cannot have a man who is intoxicated around your children, and it sounds to me that he has past the threshold of ever being able to drink "normally" again.

 

I think you should talk to him about your concerns. Tell him that as a mom you can no longer date him until he is committed to sobriety. There are lots of methods of getting sober...NOT just AA, although AA is certainly readily available. I'd suggest you let him get help, stay sober for a sustained period...3 months or more, and then slowly and cautiously resume the relationship if you determine he is still the one for you.

 

Substance use disorders are very common. They don't go well with kids. Help is out there. A life in recovery can be very fulfilling. It would be helpful to him going forward if you didn't drink around him. I only date men who do not drink.

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You say you wouldn't have moved in with him if you'd known this was his pattern...

 

Now you know.

 

So why not move out since his behavior is unacceptable to you? This is something you can change.

 

It's not your place to change him. It's your place to change things for you.

 

Are you willing to move - or have him move?

 

Do your adult kids pay rent? Can they help you with expenses?

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I'm a recovering alcoholic / drug addict, I'm also a nice guy (so I get told ) that always held down a good job.

 

The point of telling you that is to let you know I speak from more than a little experience when I also tell you that he will only change if and when he wants to, you are just a guiding (or nagging) voice on his path to his own personal rock bottom experience.

 

Al and Narc Anon didn't work for me, it's a long story but I felt like I'd joined a cult worshiping a 'higher power'

 

If and when he is ready to get help do some research on Baclofen and its use in treating alcoholics. It's helped me stop abusing alcohol for three years, I can still have a social drink (never very many) if I can be bothered but often I for for weeks without. It blocks the intoxicating effects of alcohol in the brain.

 

It gave me back my life, no exaggeration, but I desperately wanted to change and hated myself for my drinking.

Edited by Adam777
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I have started my recovery from chronic alcohol abuse this week.

I've known myself for quite some time that I need to stop drinking, & I have had long periods of abstinence in between prolonged bursts of "drowning my sorrows"

What made me decide last Sunday to stop drinking? I got sick- severe uncontrollable vomiting, a trip to A&E for IV fluids & deranged liver function tests. The doctor told me I had to quit drinking for a minimum of 6weeks.

I was so happy he said so in front of my partner, as it meant he would have to support my decision to stop. (Or not)

The ironic thing is my cousin passed away 2 months ago of liver failure due to drinking and he was only one year older than me and I'd been mourning him over a bottle.

When I've spoken to my friends and family about my own alcohol consumption and the concerns I'd had in the past, they've downplayed them saying "you don't drink that much"....now I have evidence that I do. I'm determined to prove to them that drinking is bad by fixing my health.

I'm really excited by the improvement in my health I'm already experiencing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a drinker needs to decide for themselves that it's time to stop and it really helps to have a support system in place, whether you are willing to be part of that support system is your choice if he makes the decision to stop.

I'm hoping my partner will notice that he drinks way too much as well.

Edited by mrs rubble
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Knowing this is part of who he is and how he behaves - what is your plan for yourself and yours kids?

 

It's not up to him to change - it's up to you to change it for yourself.

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Clarence_Boddicker

Do you think your children deserve to be exposed to the effects of alcoholism? What you should do depends on your answer.

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He is now to the point where he will have around 10 drinks in one night, often hiding several of the drinks. On the nights he drinks like this, he will first talk negatively about several topics and then abruptly fall asleep early in the evening.

 

How do I best approach this situation for the second time? I don't want to throw away what is otherwise a good relationship, do not want to become a nag, but will want to sit by quietly while this festers into a larger problem.

 

You can bring up the topic all you want, nothing will change unless he wants to change....I've been living the bolded part for 10 years and counting, but it's worked its way up to 7 nights a week.

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