Husband Takes Pics and Video of Other Women

[meadow5]

Hello. I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 3. We have had a pretty good relationship in these years. The only arguments we have had are those where he was almost brutally honest with me. What I mean by that is, that he does not believe that people in relationships should hide the fact that they find other people attractive and that they should be able to communicate that to their spouse. He believes in completely open communication, no secrets, and having things all on the table. Which is great. I have always known where I stand with him in all aspects of our relationship. To the best of my knowledge he has never cheated on me and I do not believe he would ever cheat on me. But for years, since high school, he has been taking pics and videos of women. He does it often and does not hide it at all. He never takes face shots, only butt shots of women in a store, on the beach, etc. And its not all the time either. This really bothered me at first. But through the years I have tried to convince myself how harmless this behavior is. He is not secretive about it at all. He then puts the pictures on the computer and saves them.

What bothers me is the fact that he takes pictures of some of his female coworkers. I saw pictures of his female coworkers on the computer years ago. What prompted this post, is that I found pics of female coworkers from a job he started last year. Again, the women he takes pictures of are not aware that they are being photographed. None of them are posing, and the pictures and/or videos are always of their butts. Why this bothers me more than the candid photos of strangers, is that these are women he works with. Our sex life is great, and I am even OK with porn. In fact we use it multiple times a week while having sex. I am not threatened by it at all.

But taking pictures of female coworkers bothers me. Does he find these women attractive? What is he crosses the line and cheats on me because these are not strangers they are coworkers.

Thoughts? And thoughts as to why he does this?

[mrldii]

He's probably not finding them any more - or less - attractive than other, random women he'll never see again.

 

However, what he's doing is illegal. The fact that he's doing it with co-workers means it's sexual harassment AND illegal and could lose his job, livelihood, and professional reputation over it.

 

Even though you (and he) have made peace over all the rest of it, it might be a good idea to stop with the co-workers.

[stillafool]

If he is perfectly honest with you about everything he is doing why now are you worried that he may cheat with a coworker? You said he tells you everything. I can promise you that through the years (especially since HS) he has found co workers attractive here and there.

[redtail]

Wow. I can only go by what you wrote, so this is based on not knowing your husband personally.

 

But, I'd never do this and I find it more than just a little creepy.

[elaine567]

If he is the brutally honest one, then simply ask him why he feels the need to photograph/video women's butts in general and his co workers' butts in particular and is he cheating with said co workers..

 

As someone has already pointed out, he could be in big trouble if he got caught doing this.

[WomenWubber]

Clearly he has a butt fetish. The pics alone could get him in deep trouble, but... I wonder if there's more he's not telling you.

 

Do you have access to his computer?

[Trishern]

I find this rather creepy TBH. It's one thing viewing porn, but filming women without their knowledge is so very wrong and illegal. Is this so he can get off on his own while watching them later?

 

 

If he gets caught, the police will be at your home and have forensic specialists go through all the computers and gadgets in your home with a fine tooth comb. When they find those video clips, he'll look like a real pervert and be shamed in public. When he gets named, his family, your family, friends and everyone will know about it. They'll start wondering if he's filmed their wives or daughters. Just think how badly this could end for you.

 

 

If he happens to tell people his wife is okay with this, they'll name you as well and the ramifications will be far reaching. From filming women, there'll be rumours that it was young girls, some of the women may e under 18. Next thing you know he'll be labelled as a paedophile and your home life will be majorly affected.

 

 

If you have kids, social services will question whether you really are fit parents.

 

 

You both have an awful lot at stake here. Just think very carefully on what you are condoning.

 

 

I always think of the worst case scenario if I'm doing something risky and ask if I can deal with it. Could you deal with this?

 

 

Mrs. Trishern

[meadow5]

I have complete access to his computer and his phone. He doesn't hide anything from me. I can look on the computer at any time. However, I forgot to mention in my original post, that some of these female coworkers he has photographed, he has gone out with after work. Seldomly, but he has gone. I have always known about it of course. One of them, he worked with recently, he has her phone number in his phone. They used to text at work. I saw all the texts and we have a shared phone plan anyway. That is what I am struggling with. His honesty doesn't fit with my concerns of him cheating. I keep reading other writers from here and other online forums saying how secretive cheating husbands are. My husband has it all out there. So, how does that fit? I'm confused.

[LivingDeadGrl]

What he is doing is creepy, and illegal. He could be FIRED from his job and charged with sexual harassment. It's one thing to take pictures of random women on the street (which is weird and creepy all on its own) but co-workers??? That's crossing the line. What if someone caught him, saw what he was doing?

 

Speak to him. Tell him how you feel, see if anything changes.

[Trishern]

I have complete access to his computer and his phone. He doesn't hide anything from me. I can look on the computer at any time. However, I forgot to mention in my original post, that some of these female coworkers he has photographed, he has gone out with after work. Seldomly, but he has gone. I have always known about it of course. One of them, he worked with recently, he has her phone number in his phone. They used to text at work. I saw all the texts and we have a shared phone plan anyway. That is what I am struggling with. His honesty doesn't fit with my concerns of him cheating. I keep reading other writers from here and other online forums saying how secretive cheating husbands are. My husband has it all out there. So, how does that fit? I'm confused.

 

He could easily have a second phone.

 

 

I'm not suggesting he's cheating, but if he wanted to, he could. Some cheaters have a spare set of clothes at work, a second wallet, credit cards you don't know about with the bills being online only. Seasoned cheaters cover their tracks believe me. he knows you can see the phone plan, so he won't do anything dodgy there unless he wants to get caught.

 

 

Regardless of cheating, his behaviour could land him in big trouble. Is it really worth it?

 

 

It's one thing to find people other than your spouse attractive, but this is going a bot too far. believe me, people will feel more sorry for a petty thief than your husband if he gets caught. It's almost like voyeurism.

[stillafool]

I have complete access to his computer and his phone. He doesn't hide anything from me. I can look on the computer at any time. However, I forgot to mention in my original post, that some of these female coworkers he has photographed, he has gone out with after work. Seldomly, but he has gone. I have always known about it of course. One of them, he worked with recently, he has her phone number in his phone. They used to text at work. I saw all the texts and we have a shared phone plan anyway. That is what I am struggling with. His honesty doesn't fit with my concerns of him cheating. I keep reading other writers from here and other online forums saying how secretive cheating husbands are. My husband has it all out there. So, how does that fit? I'm confused.

 

If he is so open and honest with you can't you just ask him? I'd say you have an advantage over other women in that area.

[Hopeful714]

I too find this creepy and wouldn't be able to tolerate it. I'm surprised you have been able to for so long.

 

Sounds to me like some sort of sick perversion where he's getting off on the fact that he's getting (or taking) something from these women without their knowledge. Or, maybe getting something sexual from them that he knows he cant get in any other way. I'm getting a picture of someone in my mind who snaps these photos and walks away grinning or smirking with sick satisfaction. And it's giving me the heebeegeebee,s!

 

If someone was doing this to me, u betcha I'd be notifying the hr dept.

 

It's hard to accept/believe some men do such off the wall things. Makes me wonder.

[Ms. Faust]

Who cares if he is or isn't cheating! What he is doing is f@$king creepy and illegal! Stop thinking about yourself and think about those women who are being violated by your husband and you! Your complacency is disturbing.

[meadow5]

Last night I spoke to my husband about his picture taking. I told him that taking pictures of women in public is wrong and that taking pictures of coworker is wrong and illegal and that it might cost him his job. I also told him about how all of this has made me feel. That I have tried to convince myself over the years that it is OK since he wasn't actually doing anything with any of these women, but that I feel as though he is cheating in a diffserent, perhaps, non-physical way. I asked him "what if one of these women sees you taking her picture. That will make a fool of you and me. I strongly suggest you stop all of this, at the very least, taking pictures of coworkers. And why do you take pictures of certain coworkers? Are you attracted to them? What's the point?"

 

To all of this he did not become defensive. Just tried to explain. Explained that he has been engaging in this behavior since high school, that its harmless, no one is hurt, and he is not interested, and will never be interested in doing anything with any one of these women. I told him that is not the point if you have been doing this since high school. You are no longer in high school and people evolve. Now you have a wife who is asking you, kindly, to stop what you are doing for very legitimate reasons. He told me again that he's not doing anything. He showed me websites that are solely dedicated to candid photography of women like this. He said that as long as you are in a public place, you don't have a legal claim. I told him that you are not in public place when you are at work. He seemed to laugh it off, like its nothing. I honestly do not think he understands what this is. He truly believes that it's nothing and I should not worry about it. He told me he is a grown man and would not do anything to jeopardize his job or our marriage and I need to trust his judgments. I wish he would have said, "yes, OK. Since this bothers you and it could have legal consequences I will stop." But he didn't. He defended his actions and made light of them. I also searched online to see of this behavior is commonplace, and it seems like it is, at least based on what I found. Why? Thoughts?

Edited July 29, 2015 by meadow5

[elaine567]

Commandeer his collection and threaten to send it to his boss, see if he is still laughing then.

[mrldii]

OP, it is not uncommon for addicts to justify their behavior; it is also not uncommon for enablers to buy into their justifications. Your husband is correct...thus far, the States that have heard the argument have OK'd unbeknownst skirt up-shots.

 

If he truly believes there's nothing wrong with it, then why doesn't he ask these women if he can take their pictures? Because they'll view him as a freak? Because they might say no? Because in another arena we call it "rape" when a woman says no and a man does what he wants, anyway?

 

If he truly believes there's nothing illegalwith it in the workplace, he should take up-shots of the highest-ranking female officers in his company; hopefully, he'll be starting with the HR Director.

[jen1447]

To all of this he did not become defensive. Just tried to explain. Explained that he has been engaging in this behavior since high school, that its harmless, no one is hurt, and he is not interested, and will never be interested in doing anything with any one of these women. I told him that is not the point if you have been doing this since high school. You are no longer in high school and people evolve. Now you have a wife who is asking you, kindly, to stop what you are doing for very legitimate reasons. He told me again that he's not doing anything. He showed me websites that are solely dedicated to candid photography of women like this. He said that as long as you are in a public place, you don't have a legal claim. I told him that you are not in public place when you are at work. He seemed to laugh it off, like its nothing. I honestly do not think he understands what this is. He truly believes that it's nothing and I should not worry about it. He told me he is a grown man and would not do anything to jeopardize his job or our marriage and I need to trust his judgments. I wish he would have said, "yes, OK. Since this bothers you and it could have legal consequences I will stop." But he didn't. He defended his actions and made light of them. I also searched online to see of this behavior is commonplace, and it seems like it is, at least based on what I found. Why? Thoughts?

 

You may want to point him toward the legal concepts of invasion of privacy | intrusion of solitude to wake him up on the civil consequences of what's he's doing by taking the photos (he's very likely liable for pain and suffering damages), not to mention potential criminal offenses of harassment and/or stalking.

 

In order for you to "trust his judgment," he has to demonstrate that his judgment is sound to begin with, and ignorance of civil liability and possible criminal conduct that could potentially harm your livelihood as well as his doesn't demonstrate sound judgment at all.

[whirl3daway]

You should not take it personally OR be surprised that he is not willing to do what you ask of him. He gets off on taking pictures WITHOUT the knowledge of other women - he probably gets off on the idea of doing things without their consent. It would follow his personality that he will not take your feelings into consideration here. In fact, maybe it will turn him on even more to know that you don't like it. Either way, this is unlikely to ever stop.

 

Quite frankly, as a woman, I wonder why you are not more appalled by this behavior. I would be disgusted and kind of afraid of a man who felt that it was OKAY to do this kind of thing. It's creepy and indicative of a serious lack of boundaries, judgement and respect for other people - all of which are dealbreakers for me.

[DaisyBug]

You should not take it personally OR be surprised that he is not willing to do what you ask of him. He gets off on taking pictures WITHOUT the knowledge of other women - he probably gets off on the idea of doing things without their consent. It would follow his personality that he will not take your feelings into consideration here. In fact, maybe it will turn him on even more to know that you don't like it. Either way, this is unlikely to ever stop.

 

Quite frankly, as a woman, I wonder why you are not more appalled by this behavior. I would be disgusted and kind of afraid of a man who felt that it was OKAY to do this kind of thing. It's creepy and indicative of a serious lack of boundaries, judgement and respect for other people - all of which are dealbreakers for me.

 

I was thinking the same thing... Perhaps there is an extra thrill or satisfaction in doing this in front of you, rubbing your nose in it.

 

He sounds sick.

[Hopeful714]

Yes, this is sick. And, it borders on psychopathic. He's making light of a very serious offense to women (and his wife) and doesn't seem to understand why this is serious nor gives a flying fig about anything except the cheap thrill he gets when he violates. And yes, this IS a violation. Especially since he's posting these on line. Whoa!... Geeze what kind of sicko's get off on this.

 

If this was my husband I'd be totally gone, AND I'd be busting his sick ass with an anonymous call to his place of employment. Then again maybe your financially bound and stuck to him.

 

You did the right thing in posting this and speaking to him. But your thoughts are skewed if you are only concerned about him cheating. That's the least of your worries here. I hope you see the light and arrive at a solution to get out or get this guy some sort of psychological help because he certainly needs some....or needs to be caught.

[sandylee1]

I was thinking the same thing... Perhaps there is an extra thrill or satisfaction in doing this in front of you, rubbing your nose in it.

 

.

 

Perhaps the OP likes it as well. It's clear it doesn't really bother her, at least the strangers. There is concern about the coworkers, which seems more because she thinks he's attracted to them or the remote possibility of something else going on.

 

Having a fetish is fine as long as it doesn't violate anyone else's privacy or go against their will.

 

I'm sorry, but I feel accepting it is almost as bad as doing it yourself, because you have also demonstrated a lack of ethics and values.

 

You can just see if this got exposed and people found out the wife was fully aware of it and had access to the videos, they'd equally blame her.

[meadow5]

Actually I do not like it. To say I do and to question my ethics and values, is quite frankly, taking it a little too far. The reason for my post here to begin with, and the reason why this has bothered me for so long, is because I DO NOT like it, and I do not agree with it. I am sure if one of you was with someone for this long and married you would not be so flippant with certain comments. I was asking for advice and support, not to be labeled as having a paraphilia. Thank you for the comments.

[whirl3daway]

Actually I do not like it. To say I do and to question my ethics and values, is quite frankly, taking it a little too far. The reason for my post here to begin with, and the reason why this has bothered me for so long, is because I DO NOT like it, and I do not agree with it. I am sure if one of you was with someone for this long and married you would not be so flippant with certain comments. I was asking for advice and support, not to be labeled as having a paraphilia. Thank you for the comments.

 

To be honest with you, OP, I was engaged to a man who I discovered was into child porn. He was the love of my life at the time, and it nearly broke me apart. I wanted to have kids with him. But once I found out that he spent a significant amount of time in his life viewing this kind of thing, it was a dealbreaker for me. So I do understand that it's hard - what I don't understand is why you would marry him to begin with.

 

You must understand that by not taking action and trying to deal with it for years and years, you've condoned his behavior. You've told him that you're okay with it for years, and he will never change now. I've discovered that people who are twisted enough to pursue this kind of thing don't respect anyone, let alone their partners.

 

You can be upset with us but that doesn't change your reality. You have 2 choices: deal with this behavior for the rest of your life, or leave. It is best not to rely on him changing his behavior - he has shown you over and over that he sees no problem with what he is doing.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Speaking as a woman, this is seriously creepy and raises countless red flags in my opinion.

 

The term hiding in plain sight comes to mind. The fact that he appears to be so open and honest with you about EVERYTHING including his fetish for taking unauthorized pics/videos of other women including ones he knows personally is probably the biggest red flag of them all.

 

Tread carefully OP because I can tell you that sometimes that over-sharing and uncanny honesty in and of itself is all smoke and mirrors to distract you, bait you, appease you over here while the perpetrator continues with something more (often worse) over there. Something smells awfully fishy if you ask me...

 

Just my two cents.

 

The fact that he didn't respond favorably when you confronted him regarding your concerns isn't helping matters.

 

I'd be interested in hearing what men have to say about this subject.

[redtail]

I'd be interested in hearing what men have to say about this subject.

 

I've already commented on seeing it as creepy. But to elaborate, I do think your analysis is spot on, the appearance of transparency is a very good ruse. Because in doing this, he is disrespectful of not only the person he is supposed to love the most, but also the innocent people who have no idea he is ogling and taking pictures of their "parts" to satisfy some fetish.

 

I wouldn't want my wife photographed by someone like this.