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Staying married when there are no children


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My counselor asked me to make a list of the pros and cons of staying married vs divorce. As I was writing the list, it seemed that most of the pros of staying in my 15 year old marriage for the rest of my life revolved around other people's feelings, societal expectations, avoiding conflict, fear, and financial stability. All things that I am told are NOT the reasons to get married or stay married. What are the reasons one should do everything they can to make a marriage work so you can stay married to one person for the rest of your life, vs cutting ties when it's run its course and seek another relationship, if there are no children involved? What is the true value of only one committed relationship for the majority of a persons adult life?

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casey.lives

you don't just have one committed relationship.. you have one committed sexual relationship. without children.. i don't know

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what is making you consider divorce?

 

 

Also your reason for being married was societal expectations, but also you said those are the reasons you are told (by society?) to not get/stayed married.

 

 

What do you want and what do you feel should be reasons to stay with somebody or not?

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I'm married with no kids and never wanted them. I married my husband because he is the person I love enough to spend the rest of my life with. My decision to marry him had nothing to do with what anyone thought but me. I can't imagine getting married just to have kids. Why get married if all you want is children? You don't need a marriage license for that but some do need a partner for financial support.

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what is making you consider divorce?

 

 

Also your reason for being married was societal expectations, but also you said those are the reasons you are told (by society?) to not get/stayed married.

 

 

What do you want and what do you feel should be reasons to stay with somebody or not?

 

Well I guess I didn't really want to make this thread specifically about me and my situation, more of a general survey of why it's so important to exhaust all options before giving up on a marriage that isn't working for at least one of the parties for whatever reason. All of the time and energy required to attempt to repair something that's broken is time you can never get back, and no one knows how much longer they have on this earth.

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Who said you have to exhaust all options before giving up on a marriage. People divorce everyday without doing that. If one person is unhappy, no longer in love or whatever, they tell their spouse, seek marriage counseling (sometimes) then divorce. If you or whomever is unhappy in their marriage they have to decide for themselves if the marriage is worth saving. Each case is different and no one here can answer that question for you.

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If there is no love or desire to be with your spouse any longer, then there's no point of staying married. Especially if you feel that you would be happier alone or in another relationship.

 

Without kids it's so much easier to end it. Don't stay to please anyone else.

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I am a married woman who is with her 2nd husband.

 

I am a career woman and never wanted a man to either support me financially or give me children. I got married because I loved my first husband and wanted him for his own sake as a companion, and I took vows to be faithful to him (which I kept)

He cheated and I divorced him.

 

I married my second husband for the same reasons and made the same vows, to love honour and cherish him. I cannot ever imagine a day when I would not want to be married to him.

 

If anyone has serious doubts about their marriage and feel they are there for the "wrong" reasons they are not compelled to stay- kids or no kids. But they should be honest about it.

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My counselor asked me to make a list of the pros and cons of staying married vs divorce. As I was writing the list, it seemed that most of the pros of staying in my 15 year old marriage for the rest of my life revolved around other people's feelings, societal expectations, avoiding conflict, fear, and financial stability. All things that I am told are NOT the reasons to get married or stay married. What are the reasons one should do everything they can to make a marriage work so you can stay married to one person for the rest of your life, vs cutting ties when it's run its course and seek another relationship, if there are no children involved? What is the true value of only one committed relationship for the majority of a persons adult life?

 

I think Ann Landers used to sum it up best when she would ask people, "will you be better off with him/her or without him/her?

 

 

That's really the only question you need to ask yourself.

 

 

Not having kids streamlines that question to the nth degree because you don't need to factor in their well being.

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As I was writing the list, it seemed that most of the pros of staying in my 15 year old marriage for the rest of my life revolved around other people's feelings, societal expectations, avoiding conflict, fear, and financial stability. All things that I am told are NOT the reasons to get married or stay married.

 

 

 

that depends on the individual.

 

 

Again it boils down to are you better with him or without him? If you are a person the kind of person for whom meeting society's and your Aunt Beulah's expectation of marriage is very important and you will feel like a failure and subhuman if you are divorced and you have no means of supporting yourself and have no desire to support yourself - then you might be be better off staying married.

 

 

But if you are perfectly self supporting and you can easily shrug off those expectations of other people, then it's an entirely different story.

 

 

IMHO I don't think those reasons are wrong reasons to stay per se, I think they are simply not 'enough' to stay depending on what your rationale for divorcing is.

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There is no magic formula for staying or going here and that is why you are finding it so hard.

 

If he beat you or cheated on you or stole from you or you couldn't stand being in the same room as him, or there was a deal breaker of some kind, then it would be a no brainer, but I am guessing you are struggling to find any deal breakers.

 

YOU are then back to just YOU and what YOU want.

Deciding to step out into a potentially cold world from a cosy warm place just because YOU think you want it, is very scary.

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My counselor asked me to make a list of the pros and cons of staying married vs divorce. As I was writing the list, it seemed that most of the pros of staying in my 15 year old marriage for the rest of my life revolved around other people's feelings, societal expectations, avoiding conflict, fear, and financial stability. All things that I am told are NOT the reasons to get married or stay married. What are the reasons one should do everything they can to make a marriage work so you can stay married to one person for the rest of your life, vs cutting ties when it's run its course and seek another relationship, if there are no children involved? What is the true value of only one committed relationship for the majority of a persons adult life?

 

Are you sure you are making an exhaustive list? (It sounds like you're not)

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Are you sure you are making an exhaustive list? (It sounds like you're not)

 

Well.. One of the reasons on the list was that I'd be leaving my best friend. Now, assuming the couple is still relatively young and attractive, is a lifelong sexless friendship (sexless because the chemistry is gone for me, not for him) the best they should hope for the next 40 years?

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My counselor asked me to make a list of the pros and cons of staying married vs divorce. As I was writing the list, it seemed that most of the pros of staying in my 15 year old marriage for the rest of my life revolved around other people's feelings, societal expectations, avoiding conflict, fear, and financial stability. All things that I am told are NOT the reasons to get married or stay married. What are the reasons one should do everything they can to make a marriage work so you can stay married to one person for the rest of your life, vs cutting ties when it's run its course and seek another relationship, if there are no children involved? What is the true value of only one committed relationship for the majority of a persons adult life?

 

Perhaps the vows you took when you agreed to stay with them through the extremities of life?

 

Either you're a woman of your word or you're not.

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Well.. One of the reasons on the list was that I'd be leaving my best friend. Now, assuming the couple is still relatively young and attractive, is a lifelong sexless friendship (sexless because the chemistry is gone for me, not for him) the best they should hope for the next 40 years?

 

I don't think so, but other people do, everyone is different, so it's your decision.

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Poppygoodwill

Life is short. This is all we have. We should do our best to be happy.

 

But remember the grass always seems greener, especially when you're unhappy. That's to say that there will be downsides to divorcing him...and you need to be willing to embrace all the consequences of the separation, including the chance you might be alone for a long time. Not that you should stay for the sake of not being alone, but be sure that the downsides of being with him really do outweigh the upsides of being without him.

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To me, it's this simple. If you both still love each other and want to make it work, that should be the motivator. If you don't have that, that you're doomed.

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  • 1 month later...

My wife and I love each other very much. We do have kids, but that's not why we are together after 20 years of marriage. Our love is deep and profound. It's not the fiery love of newlyweds, but it is much, much deeper, and much more comfortable. It's like the difference between a shiny new car and the one you have had for many years. It may not be flashy, but you know every quirk, squeak, and rattle by heart. And, it's just really dang comfortable!

 

Prior to marrying my wife when I was 26, I had a number of relationships, both short and long term. I don't need to experience the newness of another partner. I'm very happy with the wife I have and she feels the same for me. If no tragedy occurs, we will easily make 50+ years. My kids are 13 and 11, so in 7 more years the youngest is off to college and we will retire and just enjoy each other's company. Maybe we'll do some travelling.

 

If you do not have a deep love for your spouse, sure, divorce and move on.

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Well.. One of the reasons on the list was that I'd be leaving my best friend. Now, assuming the couple is still relatively young and attractive, is a lifelong sexless friendship (sexless because the chemistry is gone for me, not for him) the best they should hope for the next 40 years?

Sure.

 

If he has absolutely NO expectations in life and is willing to settle for so little.

 

IS he willing to settle for so little?

 

You're thinking about what you stand to gain or lose, but what about him? Is he ready to sign up for a sexless life until he dies? But more so, are you willing to inflict that on him? Because that's what you'd be doing.

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Well.. He just told me he's hiring a mediator and moving out and the decision is final. Nothing for me to decide anymore :(

I'm sorry, but he's a smart man.

 

You can't expect your poor husband to just go sexless for the rest of his life just because you're not attracted to him anymore. That would be the EPITOME of selfishness.

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ShatteredLady

I'm so sorry. I hope you can both move on with your lives & find happiness.

 

Something to consider - A dear friend of mine divorced her 'Best Friend' because she had zero libido & it was a huge strain on her marriage. She met a new man, dated, married. 6 months later she felt that she was back in the same boat & had made a terrible mistake! She looked into hormone treatment but it really didn't help much. Some people have a low libido. That's a huge issue if they're with a partner with normal or high sexual needs. Other than hormones I honestly don't know what the answer is.

 

Many women seem to share this issue. I know for myself I need to feel a close emotional bond to feel sexy (or a few drinks!). If your H had one foot out the door already you were probably feeling that. If my H is distant or not affectionate outside of the bedroom I don't feel it. I never want to be one of those women who complain about "Doing their duty a couple of times a month!". I'm not a faker. When you first meet someone it's easy to be passionate. Keeping the passion gong is one thing & there's lots of advise on that. Getting the passion back once it's completely gone....ugh! I don't know.

 

I have a friend whose in MC for this very reason at the moment.

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Well.. He just told me he's hiring a mediator and moving out and the decision is final. Nothing for me to decide anymore :(

 

 

 

part of you is relieved now that he has made a decision right?

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Yes part of me is relieved but as reality set in the other part of me is hurting so badly. I spent the whole day yesterday in tears with thoughts of my marital history flashing before my eyes and the good times we've had together. I already miss him so much. I want to try to work things out but I feel I am being selfish by doing so, I feel he deserves better than me, that staying with me is toxic for him. He told me that at this point he is only attracted to me physically and on the inside he is repulsed by me, that he would find a less beautiful woman more attractive than me because of the way I have treated him.

 

He doesn't want to accept any responsibility for his actions that played apart in the loss of attraction, he says I'm having a mid life crisis and have unrealistic expectations of marriage and I'll be in the same place with a new partner 5 years from now (as shattered lady said). If he can't admit he had anything to do with it then how can he change?

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