Good Marriages or Long Term Relationships

[Grumpybutfun]

I was just reminded, as I often am here at LS, how wonderful it is to have a good marriage or long term relationship. I am often asked in my PMs why I am here if my love relationship is so good, and I honestly think it is because it reminds me to not take my wife and my life for granted.

I was thinking of what makes a good marriage and thought that we could do a little interacting here on what has made our unions work for us. I know that for me and my little bride, kindness and compassion has been our foundation. We have truly wanted the best for each other and have done our best to make life easier for the other. We are very different people but we have always had the same values. We compliment each other's strengths, and my wife has some exceptional strengths. I just thought, with all the sad stories, it might be nice to reflect on what makes our relationships good.

What has been your foundation for a good marriage or long term relationship?

Best,

Grumps

[Mr. Lucky]

I've said on here before, my wife is the best person I've ever met. Not necessarily the prettiest, not the sexiest, not the most stylish (though she's all of those to me), she just has an inner beauty and innate generosity of spirit that still entrances me after 25 years.

 

What she sees in me is another question ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Grumpybutfun]

I've said on here before, my wife is the best person I've ever met. Not necessarily the prettiest, not the sexiest, not the most stylish (though she's all of those to me), she just has an inner beauty and innate generosity of spirit that still entrances me after 25 years.

 

What she sees in me is another question ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, you are one of the best posters here....so I would say she got her a level headed and kind husband who is funny and humble.

25 years is a gift....so glad to see that as I didn't know you had been married for so long. I think the things we appreciate the most later in our marriages or LTRs are the qualities like generosity of spirit and inner beauty. I could gush about my little wife....she could have done much better.

G

[MidwestUSA]

My parents hit #65 last July. For whatever odd reason, I had a feeling my dad wouldn't see #66. Sure enough, he died on Christmas Day.

 

He would have been 92 on the 29th, wedding anniversary is the next day. This is going to be a tough one.

 

Sorry, just a tidbit for those who kinda know me.

[Grumpybutfun]

My parents hit #65 last July. For whatever odd reason, I had a feeling my dad wouldn't see #66. Sure enough, he died on Christmas Day.

 

He would have been 92 on the 29th, wedding anniversary is the next day. This is going to be a tough one.

 

Sorry, just a tidbit for those who kinda know me.

 

Midwest, I'm so sorry. I had no idea your dad died. Wow, 65 years with your mom is amazing, and to live into your 90s....that is a long life.

 

My grandparents lived into their late 90s and they had a really great marriage. It wasn't all fairytales and romance, but it worked to get them through some tough years.

 

Sorry you've had such a rough year...you know where I am if you need to vent.

Grumps

[Els]

My parents hit #65 last July. For whatever odd reason, I had a feeling my dad wouldn't see #66. Sure enough, he died on Christmas Day.

 

He would have been 92 on the 29th, wedding anniversary is the next day. This is going to be a tough one.

 

Sorry, just a tidbit for those who kinda know me.

 

Many hugs, Midwest.

 

I don't know if I'm qualified to comment, Grumps, since we haven't been together nearly as long as you guys (we're only coming up on 7 years now, and we're still in our 20s). And we've had a few ups and downs for sure. But I think what defines us is that we both really try and pull through the downs together. My SO has never shied from giving of himself, putting time, sacrifice, effort, and money into the R. I can see, through his actions, how he truly cares about me. And that makes me feel so very secure and loved, so I try to do the same for him.

 

There's probably base compatibility as well - we have different opinions on some things, but we are quite compatible in most aspects. I think there's a lot to be said for the kind of man who can be your partner, your lover, AND your best friend.

[d0nnivain]

I always characterized my parents as each other's favorite playmates. They genuinely enjoyed each other's company. I found that with my husband. We joke & tease but we can also be serious. We're just there for each other & work together to make each other's lives easier.

[writergal]

The longest relationship I'm aware of is my dad's parents, who met each other when they were in high school around 17 years old. They married at 18, had two sons, and stayed married until their deaths (him at 100, her at 98). They met when my grandmother was assigned to tutor my grand-dad in math! Ha-ha!

 

What they possessed (that even my own parents never did) was a true love for each other. They also really liked each other and loved to laugh and were good friends. My granddad was always playing jokes on my grandmother and he was one of the funniest people I knew growing up.

 

Plus, for all the adversity they went through together, it seemed to only strengthen their respect and trust for each other. They each had their flaws, sure, but were well known and had a large social network. I always went to them for advice on life and love instead of my parents.

[angel.eyes]

I'm glad that you're all active participants! It's incredibly valuable to get input from those who have been successful over the long-term. You bring hope, optimism, and a realistic view of what it takes to accomplish that. Without folks like you, it would just be the cynical (and sometimes bitter) "blind leading the blind" through the dating/relationship wilderness. That rarely takes you where you ultimately hope to go.

 

Most of us would not ask someone who was so poor at baseball that he never even played on his little league team to coach us as we prepared for a major league baseball career. For me, relationship advice is no different. The most valuable advice comes from those who've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. I truly appreciate the time you spend here and hope you all continue to be active posters.

[Arieswoman]

My contribution, for what it's worth ;

 

Most importantly - liking each other as well as loving each other and a shared belief system with shared moral values.

 

Emotional maturity and well-developed coping mechanisms

 

Honesty and openness

 

Mutual respect

 

Giving each other space

 

Keeping communication channels open

 

Enough shared interests to keep a connection and enough different interests to bring new ideas into the relationship.

 

[Grumpybutfun]

My contribution, for what it's worth ;

 

Most importantly - liking each other as well as loving each other and a shared belief system with shared moral values.

 

Emotional maturity and well-developed coping mechanisms

 

Honesty and openness

 

Mutual respect

 

Giving each other space

 

Keeping communication channels open

 

Enough shared interests to keep a connection and enough different interests to bring new ideas into the relationship.

 

 

I find it odd how many people seem to not like their SO. I'm baffled by how they can marry and claim to love someone then talk smack about them.

Your ideas are close to mine,

G

[GorillaTheater]

I know that for me and my little bride, kindness and compassion has been our foundation.

 

No doubt. When I think about it, I'm pretty convinced that my wife taught me to be kind.

 

Most importantly - liking each other as well as loving each other

 

Also big. My wife and I genuinely like each other, and I think it makes a difference.

 

Humor. My wife and I crack each other up all the time, and it's a great way, maybe the best way, to meet all of the adversity that comes with living life.

 

Communication. Maybe the primary thing that brought me here in the first place. In spite of the positives sketched above, we had problems talking to each other and reading into things that weren't said. It was complicated, and I don't want to spend too much time on it, but we've been doing much better in that department lately. You can't overestimate the value of good communication when you've lived it's absence.

 

Commitment. The drive to make the marriage last a lifetime (absent the obvious like abuse, addiction or infidelity) regardless of the stumbling blocks, and the drive to dismantle those stumbling blocks you have control over.

[Grumpybutfun]

No doubt. When I think about it, I'm pretty convinced that my wife taught me to be kind.

 

 

 

Also big. My wife and I genuinely like each other, and I think it makes a difference.

 

Humor. My wife and I crack each other up all the time, and it's a great way, maybe the best way, to meet all of the adversity that comes with living life.

 

Communication. Maybe the primary thing that brought me here in the first place. In spite of the positives sketched above, we had problems talking to each other and reading into things that weren't said. It was complicated, and I don't want to spend too much time on it, but we've been doing much better in that department lately. You can't overestimate the value of good communication when you've lived it's absence.

 

Commitment. The drive to make the marriage last a lifetime (absent the obvious like abuse, addiction or infidelity) regardless of the stumbling blocks, and the drive to dismantle those stumbling blocks you have control over.

 

Commitment is huge. The propensity people have in giving up, aside from abuse or addictions, is staggering. The thing people don't understand is that sometimes you won't have good days. Sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes, as you stated, the communication is like standing on top of the Tower of Babel. You have to have enough humor and bank enough goodwill to get through those times. (I'm amazed at what my wife hears me say when I've said nothing! )

Good post,

G

[autumnnight]

My parents have been married almost 55 years. They also like each other. But even in moments when they don't, they still respect each other. They both hold the reins, and they take turns when one of them has a little trouble with the burdens.

 

They talk a lot...about so many things. They nurture their commonalities. They also flirt. Yes, even in their 80's they flirt. And they are affectionate regularly. For them, also, their faith is central and it brings them closer.

 

They also have full lives. They are very integrated, but they are not each other's only means of interaction and exploration. They each have very healthy same-sex friendships, and they ave very pro-marriage couple friends (most of whom overlap). I think all of their closest friends also have long term marriages.

[sandylee1]

One thing that keeps us going is humour and being a bit playful. We still have the odd run and chase at home. My H does crack me at times and he has a certain youthfulness about him. I remember some years ago now , my H sent me a message at work and as I read it, I just started laughing. One of my colleagues asked what it was and when I told her it was from H, she said "He's definetly got something going for him if he can still make you laugh after so many years "

 

We're quite open with our affection towards each other at home and around friends, who often comment that we both like to have a good time. I also think us showing affection is good for our children to see what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

We also respect each other and complement each other regularly. Our mutual appreciation

helps us realise we've got a lot to be thankful for. I know my H loves it when I say positive things about him in public.

 

There's more, but that'll do for now .

[georgia girl]

For us, I think the foundation isnanshared sense of purpose. We wrote our own vows and one thing we said was that we would always put "us" first but never lose our individual sense of ourselves. That elucidates to me that idea that you are still free to be who you need to be as an individual but at the end of the day, what we build together stays our main priority.

 

I was a hardened single girl who never planned on marrying, to be honest. When I fell in love with my husband, I truly became a better person. He was designed for me. He was the first man to ever stand up to me but he didn't do it with a shout. It was three quiet, polite and calm words. He makes me laugh, he is the kindest, most gentle man I have ever known and he is the most intellectually cirious person I have ever met. He is emotionally strong and he recovered from an accident that would have left me limping for a lifetime. And most of all, he holds my hand.

 

Life can still get rough and tough, but we share this same sense of purpose. It makes home this soft place to land. After professional battles leave you scarred, time and physical injuries leave their mark, and no one else likes you, there is home. I think that's what I appreciate the most - that home is always a safe, warm, calm and welcoming place to land.

[Grumpybutfun]

For us, I think the foundation isnanshared sense of purpose. We wrote our own vows and one thing we said was that we would always put "us" first but never lose our individual sense of ourselves. That elucidates to me that idea that you are still free to be who you need to be as an individual but at the end of the day, what we build together stays our main priority.

 

I was a hardened single girl who never planned on marrying, to be honest. When I fell in love with my husband, I truly became a better person. He was designed for me. He was the first man to ever stand up to me but he didn't do it with a shout. It was three quiet, polite and calm words. He makes me laugh, he is the kindest, most gentle man I have ever known and he is the most intellectually cirious person I have ever met. He is emotionally strong and he recovered from an accident that would have left me limping for a lifetime. And most of all, he holds my hand.

 

Life can still get rough and tough, but we share this same sense of purpose. It makes home this soft place to land. After professional battles leave you scarred, time and physical injuries leave their mark, and no one else likes you, there is home. I think that's what I appreciate the most - that home is always a safe, warm, calm and welcoming place to land.

 

There is home...she is my safe place to not be perfect all the time or to get away from negativity. I concur with all you wrote.

Great post,

G

[BetheButterfly]

I was just reminded, as I often am here at LS, how wonderful it is to have a good marriage or long term relationship. I am often asked in my PMs why I am here if my love relationship is so good, and I honestly think it is because it reminds me to not take my wife and my life for granted.

I was thinking of what makes a good marriage and thought that we could do a little interacting here on what has made our unions work for us. I know that for me and my little bride, kindness and compassion has been our foundation. We have truly wanted the best for each other and have done our best to make life easier for the other. We are very different people but we have always had the same values. We compliment each other's strengths, and my wife has some exceptional strengths. I just thought, with all the sad stories, it might be nice to reflect on what makes our relationships good.

What has been your foundation for a good marriage or long term relationship?

Best,

Grumps

 

Wonderful thread Grumps!!!

 

Thanks for the awesome advice you and the other posters give!

 

I'm not qualified to give long-term relationship advice yet. However, I've learned a lot from my parents who just celebrated their 41st wedding anniversary. They have taught me that love is more than just words; love is action and often requires faith.

 

And yeah definitely, kindness and generosity and humor/fun and true friendship and all the other important qualities/actions mentioned are vital to a wonderful and successful long-term relationship!

[minimariah]

i love this thread, thank you OP.

[WasOtherWoman]

Nearly seventeen years for us. Two main things keep our relationship flowing smoothly.....

 

1) sense of humor: if you think about it, anything can be funny

2) the way we speak to each other: always remember that you are speaking to your best friend

[Ruby Slippers]

Great post!

 

I'm in a new relationship, and we're at the point where we know what we want and don't want, and have discussed our hopes for marriage and family. He's made it clear he's all in, but says he will wait for me to take my time to evaluate him and make my decision.

 

I relate to your comments about this forum. It's funny that very shortly after he and I got together, I began to view so much of the content here as now irrelevant. That mostly comes down to me, as I feel I've worked through most of my own angst and drama from a troubled upbringing, and now have a much more solid grip on living a happy, drama-free life. I wonder why I was spinning my wheels on some of these subjects for so long, as I see many people doing here - but I know we all have to find the right grooves in life in our own way.

 

One of the best parts of this new love is that pretty much daily, we tell each other how lucky we are, how thankful we are to have found each other. It's not something we have to think to do. We speak it because we feel it naturally.

 

My new man is such a positive, happy person, always kind and loving with me. He's setting a good example for me to become a better person, a more patient, kind, selfless person.

 

We're constantly doing things to help, encourage, make life easier, support, entertain, soothe, reassure the other. We playfully wrestle over who gets to do something nice for the other this time. We're always looking for ways to improve upon the sweet things we do. We're falling into a groove where we gently instruct the other on how to please us better, adapting and learning all the time. We often give each other random massages, and it seems we both intuitively know where the other has little aches and pains and needs soothing. That's a good representation of how we handle each other on every level - physically, emotionally, sexually, spiritually.

 

The first night I spent with him, I had a dream that any wish I spoke out loud came true in reality. And beautifully, that's how it's going with him. At first I didn't want to ask for too much. I wasn't sure if this was all real, or if it could last. Now I'm getting a little bolder in speaking my wishes. He answers every call with sweetness, sincerity, and passion. I feel very lucky and very happy

[Michelle ma Belle]

Refreshing post Grumpy - thank you.

 

My longest relationship was my marriage which lasted 20 years total. I think we both tried to make it work as best as we knew how at the time but failed miserably. At some point I think we both gave up.

 

I know in my heart I did all I could and can rest my head on my pillow knowing that...but I still mourn the loss regardless.

 

The positive side? Those experiences from my marriage, both good and bad, combined with some amazing (long-term) therapy and a hell of a LOT of hard work have made me very appreciative of relationships and what it takes to make them work. I have taken full responsibility for the part I played in my marriage and have spent many years working on myself so I could become the best partner I could be for my next relationship.

 

And I have.

 

I think those experiences have taught me what's most important to me, the things I NEED and WANT in a relationship as well as the things I don't. That includes what I need to bring to the table for my partner so my partner feels loved and appreciated.

 

It's been a learning process and I had to date a lot of questionable men after my divorce who tested my resolve before I found my happy ending. And I'm better for it.

 

As for what's been my foundation, there are so many things many of which have already been shared by others. Of course, communication, compatibility and compassion are the bare essentials.

 

I think having a deep friendship and liking each other is as important as loving each other. Enjoying each other's company helps in the journey.

 

I would also say that being present, really present when you're with your partner is another luxury I didn't have or realize was as critical as it was until I had it. It's intoxicating to be with someone who genuinely sees you and focuses on you when you're together.

 

Of course, having a great sense of humor always goes a very long way for me as it does for many. I can be a serious goofball and it makes life all the better when you have someone to be goofy with.

 

I can honestly say that I loved your comment about why you're on LS if you're in a happy marriage because I have the exact same sentiments. In addition to feeling like I have some experiences that might be helpful to others I have found that being here has made me stand at attention and be forever mindful of my own relationship. My partner is not a member of LS but we have spent countless hours talking about many of the topics on here and in many ways, it has brought us even closer together.

 

It's all good

Edited July 22, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[Mr. Lucky]

I can honestly say that I loved your comment about why you're on LS if you're in a happy marriage because I have the exact same sentiments. In addition to feeling like I have some experiences that might be helpful to others I have found that being here has made me stand at attention and be forever mindful of my own relationship.

 

Great point. Though many of the issues and experiences that drive folks to post here fall more into the "what not to do" category :eek:.

 

Maybe that's one reason threads like this are so nice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Her Bridges]

I wanted to bump this positive thread

 

I once asked my parents why they don't have a shared checking account. They both have access to each others', can move money as needed, but they don't have a shared one for shared bills. Each has certain bills come out of their own account.

 

They each said that they wanted to be able to still take the other out, or buy a gift, and it be from THEM. While the accounts thing wasn't the center of the matter, it was one of many small things they did to constantly remind themselves to always date the other, never take them for granted, show every day that they appreciated the other, and earn each others' love as they gave their own unconditionally.

 

[understand50]

What has been your foundation for a good marriage or long term relationship?

Best,

Grumps

 

Well..........

 

I have given the answer on "how to stay married" as I really do not know, but I see that as a cop out.

 

I would say the first thing is that we have the same goals. We are working, for the most part, to the same ends, and do not conflict.

 

We both enjoy each others company, and do best when we are alone with each other. We can also, be by ourselves and be happy, we do not need to be in each others pocket. We each have our own space and hobbies.

 

We have sex 2 to 3 time a week, and the chance of sex is there every time we go to bed or are alone. I would prefer she never put on her clothes, truth be told, and I have always treated her as a desired sexual being. She and I have never had to wonder if the we wanted, or lusted for, each other.

 

For the two great crisis in our marriage/relationship, we worked together, and talked it out. We tend to talk out our fights, and not hold grudges. Myself, once I give my word to forgive, I stick to it.

 

We married young, I was 19 she 21. We had been dating 3 years before that. We both faced parents and friends that did not want us to date, or marry. That "us against the world" helped in the early years, as when things got bad, we were not going to quit, and prove anybody right. We grew up together, and supported each other when we were young and facing life. We know each others secrets. We had our kids young as well. We have always had a strong connection with each other, had when we were teenagers, and have it now.

 

Sometimes I feel like we are fugitives from the law of averages.