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When your wife punches you...


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OK, this is weird question...

My wife has difficulty controlling her temper so when we have an argument it blows out of proportion. Sometimes she threatens to punch me or actually punches me and sometimes throws stuff at me. I don´t hit her back but it does make me angry. Anyway as time goes on this seems to be escalating. Over the last couple of weeks shes hit me in one argument, thrown a TV remote at my face in another and in the last one, punched me in the face quite a few times and scratched me too - not really bad scratches but a few of them drew a little blood and 2 are on my face which is a little awkward to explain to friends or family.

 

So now I am in this weird position of covering for her like you would hear about abused wives doing. She says she is sorry but at the same time when we talked about it a little she started blaming me, saying that what I said in the argument made her so angry she just wanted to hit me. She is not strong enough to really hurt me and its not scaring me like it would if someone much stronger was doing that to you but, of course, I would prefer it to stop.

 

It is confusing me because it is a strange situation. If a guy hit me I would just hit him right back but here my hands are tied so I have tried putting it to her like this - if it were me punching her in the face would that be acceptable? She agrees that it would not but that is not changing anything the next time she gets angry. In fact as I see it, it is getting worse.

 

Any ideas what I should say or do to try and improve this situation?

Edited by amusedearl
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Ninjainpajamas

"When your wife punches you..."

 

You definitely don't punch her back...it's a whole different situation for a man to hit a woman, it's socially acceptable for a woman to hit a man because she's a woman, as a man you're an abusive a-hole and could possibly get thrown into jail.

 

Also she'll be "shocked", "horrified" and in fear of her "life" and tell every person she knows to make you look like you're an abusive monster...even though she's been doing this to you the whole time, they won't listen or even consider that...after all, I mean she did something that she "shouldn't have done" which she'll tell her friends just to try and make herself out to be partly responsible even though she's just saying that to make herself innocent and make her out to be the victim...like she's watching out or concerned for you like true victim manipulation status.

 

You're playing with fire because she can pretty much do whatever she wants to you and she is, and if you were to do anything close to the same it will be a catastrophe and end badly in your favor....eventually you will get mad, and she will push you too far and you will do something out of anger or resentment and she'll have you by the balls and you'll being the jerk of the entire town. Women like this push your buttons and try to get you to react, but she allows herself all the bad behavior but for you, you're supposed to be "better" than that.

 

As a man I wouldn't allow this, I couldn't allow it, there's just too much at risk and I don't like being abused and disrespected, I'll eventually snap and lose my cool at someone so overtly willing to cross that line so I just simply wouldn't tolerate it and get out of there.

 

She's probably of the same mind of a prominent feminist promoting "equality" among men and women as well...standing for "justice" and all that is right...as long as of course it's all going the way she likes it, and in her favor. Walking over you of course, don't think she wouldn't do that when push comes to shove...this woman could turn on you on a dime if you get on the wrong side of things, and that'll be completely emotional rage and vengeance.

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"When your wife punches you..."

 

You definitely don't punch her back...it's a whole different situation for a man to hit a woman, it's socially acceptable for a woman to hit a man because she's a woman, as a man you're an abusive a-hole and could possibly get thrown into jail.

 

Believe me, I haven´t and won´t hit her back and I wasn´t expecting anyone to think I should!

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Grumpybutfun

Next time she hits you call the police so it can be on her record. Then hire a lawyer and divorce her because she is an abuser and you are a victim of severe domestic violence. The fact that you think that you don't count as a victim because you are a man is ludicrous. She will not stop. She is vile. You need to leave.....and she is hurting you...trying to act like someone you trust and are married to hitting, scratching and being an ass isn't hurting you is also ludicrous. Abuse is abuse and using your manliness to act like it doesn't hurt you is only harming you because there are deep psychological effects to this type of behavior even if she isn't putting you in the hospital...and it diminishes the experiences of abused men everywhere.

So call cops when she does it again, stop making excuses for her because she is a criminal, tell your family and everyone who will listen what she does, after she has a record call a lawyer.....kick her out of your house and file for divorce. Do not take this one day more. No one who loves you wants to hit you, and if she wants to work on herself and get help for her anger issues, she can come back and grovel to you later for that right...when she has received copious amounts of therapy and can guarantee she isn't an ass anymore.

Good luck,

Grumps

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She's abusive.

 

Her behaviour is inexcusable.

 

Considering that you and her argue so often and it becomes physical, you need to do something.

 

Divorce is your best option when things have gone this far downhill.

Edited by Satu
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Abuse is abuse and using your manliness to act like it doesn't hurt you is only harming you because there are deep psychological effects to this type of behavior even if she isn't putting you in the hospital...and it diminishes the experiences of abused men everywhere.

Grumps

 

I´m not trying to be manly saying what I did about how much it bothers me. It´s true there are some effects mentally, e.g. I´m probably a little less likely to approach subjects that there is a good chance we will disagree on and it does stress/depress me sometimes but it´s really not super-serious in my case. I guess I meant I don´t feel in physical danger.

 

I don´t mean to diminish the experiences of others, I´m quite sure many are in a much worse position than me and I hope they get the help they need.

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She's abusive.

 

Her behaviour is inexcusable.

 

Considering that you and her argue so often and it becomes physical, you need to do something.

 

Divorce is your best option when things have gone this far downhill.

 

Sometimes I think that too and sometimes I think maybe there is some way I can help her out. I´m just not sure how.

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Sounds like anger management issues. I would make it non negotionable that she get help for it if you want to stay with her.

 

Now you may be able to take her punches. And you might not feel like she would spin it on you and say you were the abusive one. But do you have children? Are you planning to have children? Would you trust her to not lose it and punch your children when she is angry?

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I´m not trying to be manly saying what I did about how much it bothers me. It´s true there are some effects mentally, e.g. I´m probably a little less likely to approach subjects that there is a good chance we will disagree on and it does stress/depress me sometimes but *it´s really not super-serious in my case. I guess I meant I don´t feel in physical danger.

 

I don´t mean to diminish the experiences of others, I´m quite sure many are in a much worse position than me and I hope they get the help they need.

 

You're in denial.

 

This bothers you much more than you say.

 

How can I say that?

 

Because you're walking on eggshells, trying to tippy-toe around her, in the hope of avoiding her abusive episodes.

 

You might not be damaged physically (so far) by her her behaviour, but you've been wounded, nonetheless.

 

You are deeply upset by this.

 

Don't minimise it.

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whichwayisup

Your wife needs anger management and also needs to know what she is doing is wrong. She is abusing you. Yes, don't downplay this. If you did this to her everybody would be telling her to call the cops and leave you in a flash.

 

You can't fix her. She has major issues that only a professional can help her with. Maybe she is bi polar and needs meds/help. Who knows but you must know her behaviour is wrong and she shouldn't be hitting/punching you, throwing things at you.

 

How does it make you feel (other than anger) when she does this to you?

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Sounds like anger management issues. I would make it non negotionable that she get help for it if you want to stay with her.

 

Now you may be able to take her punches. And you might not feel like she would spin it on you and say you were the abusive one. But do you have children? Are you planning to have children? Would you trust her to not lose it and punch your children when she is angry?

 

You make good points, it troubles me to say I am almost 100% certain that she would try to spin it on me and make it out to be my fault, she´s already tried that. On the plus side I´m fairly sure she wouldn´t hurt a child.

 

The difficulty is, she´s pregnant now so divorce/leaving her at this stage isn´t really an option as I see it.

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Sometimes I think maybe there is some way I can help her out. I´m just not sure how.

Earl, if your W has strong traits of a personality disorder (PD), there is no way you can help her. It is a problem she must be willing to address on her own. I mention this because the inability to regulate one's own emotions, lack of impulse control, refusal to accept responsibility for her own actions, and irrational anger are some of the hallmarks of a person having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Indeed, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers.

 

Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting that your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. Yet, if she really does have a strong pattern of such traits, you would be seeing more warning signs than you have described here.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful experience -- and also help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion from a psychologist. Take care, Earl.

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Your wife needs anger management and also needs to know what she is doing is wrong. She is abusing you. Yes, don't downplay this. If you did this to her everybody would be telling her to call the cops and leave you in a flash.

 

You can't fix her. She has major issues that only a professional can help her with. Maybe she is bi polar and needs meds/help. Who knows but you must know her behaviour is wrong and she shouldn't be hitting/punching you, throwing things at you.

 

How does it make you feel (other than anger) when she does this to you?

 

Besides the anger, it makes me want to get to the end of the argument as soon as possible, makes me a little sad that it´s like this and also makes me feel like laughing a little because there´s a sort of ridiculousness/childishness about it all.

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Earl, if your W has strong traits of a personality disorder (PD), there is no way you can help her. It is a problem she must be willing to address on her own.

 

Thanks for your reply, I´ll read the info for information as you suggest.

 

If she needs help from a professional (quite likely, I think), is there anyway I can help her to see that she does need help?

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Clarence_Boddicker

Install hidden cameras. Next time it happens, call le & she'll get a bit of a surprise.

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I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Now I´m a bit worried I might have BPD! Joking.

 

On a more serious note, aren´t many of these also signs of depression or anxiety?

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autumnnight

I agree that the next time she lays a hand (or an object) on you, call the police. Physical abuse/battery is a crime.

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Now I´m a bit worried I might have BPD! Joking.

 

On a more serious note, aren´t many of these also signs of depression or anxiety?

 

I hadn´t read rebels thread at that stage, I see the connection now.

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It also makes me feel like laughing a little because there´s a sort of ridiculousness/childishness about it all.

If she has strong BPD traits, Earl, there likely is more "childishness" involved that you ever imagined. People having strong traits usually experienced a trauma before age five, freezing their emotional development at the level of a four year old. This is why they lack impulse control, cannot do self soothing, and cannot regulate their emotions. But, like I said earlier, your W also would be exhibiting a number of other traits -- behaviors you've not described -- if she really does exhibit a strong pattern of BPD warning signs.

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My wife started hitting me here and there. I decided I wasn't going to put up with it. The next time she hit me I hit her back harder. She hasn't hit me since. Tough love but sometimes you have to do it.

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When your wife punches you...

 

No ambiguity that day.

 

As heard recently....'which one am I getting today?'

 

Haha, I'm the 'second husband' and the one things get thrown at. Hey, it develops good reflexes :D

 

Any ideas what I should say or do to try and improve this situation?

 

Accept things as they are and move on. Personally, a woman with that kind of temper would last less than a minute with myself. Yeah, I've dealt with a few. Erased. Just call it irreconcilable differences or whatever works and exit. Life's too short.

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You make good points, it troubles me to say I am almost 100% certain that she would try to spin it on me and make it out to be my fault, she´s already tried that. On the plus side I´m fairly sure she wouldn´t hurt a child.

 

The difficulty is, she´s pregnant now so divorce/leaving her at this stage isn´t really an option as I see it.

Boy you are wrong there, the real difficulty will be raising a child with this angry woman!!!!

The child will grow up thinking abuse is normal, because mum does it and dad let's it happen.

You need to send her to Anger management right away.

Like grumpy said, report her to the cops next time it happens! Sometimes abuser's need to see rock bottom before they'll sort themselves out.

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Get her into therapy. She has to learn to control herself.

 

And before you do that, install hidden cameras and tape her during her rage attacks. Providing these in court you should definitely get custody for the child, because this is too dangerous. You might also want to DNA test the kid... who knows what she's been up to given her mental state...?!

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whichwayisup
Besides the anger, it makes me want to get to the end of the argument as soon as possible, makes me a little sad that it´s like this and also makes me feel like laughing a little because there´s a sort of ridiculousness/childishness about it all.

 

Has she ever bruised you or made you bleed?

 

Laugh it off all you want but soon this will get to you more than you realize. Mentally and physically you'll feel emotionally exhausted as time goes on.

 

You make good points, it troubles me to say I am almost 100% certain that she would try to spin it on me and make it out to be my fault, she´s already tried that.

 

Signs of an abuser, blame the victim.

 

On the plus side I´m fairly sure she wouldn´t hurt a child.

 

The difficulty is, she´s pregnant now so divorce/leaving her at this stage isn´t really an option as I see it.

 

You really don't know for sure 100% what she is capable of. What if she's so irritable and the baby is crying and won't stop? What if she gets worse after the baby is born and suffers from PPD? Throw that in mix on how she is currently, there's NO way anybody can know what she might do...

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