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So.. I've been struggling with this decision for a while now. To have kids or to remain child free? I am 39, my husband is as well.

 

My reasoning for not thus far (we've been married 6 years) has been mainly due to finances. I do not want to struggle or worse, feel like I cannot provide for a child. I don't want a life where I am stressed and worried all the time. I mean, if I got pregnant I would do my damn best for the child but.. I will not TRY for one. I don't think that is fair to the child.

 

My husband is also irresponsible and immature in a lot of ways. I don't feel stable and supported by him (mainly financially) .. another reason why I don't feel confident brining a child into the world. I don't think that is fair to the child.

 

Other things I think about.. I really don't like the place our society is in right now, in many ways but especially with how society is with family. I don't like the idea of having a child to ship them off to day care so both parents can work and then not even make ends meet. I just see it as stress and struggle. Why would I willingly choose that lifestyle? I understand sometimes people don't have a choice, but, given the choice .. I wouldn't want that for me or my child.

 

Isn't it human nature to not breed when you don't feel stable? Why bring an innocent soul into that type of environment?

 

My husband and I both come from moderately dysfunctional families. The odds of us passing on the disfunction is very high. Why do that to a kid? We might do ok, but odds are.. they will share some % of our messed up family traits. I don't think that is fair to the child.

 

With the end of my childbearing years in sight... now I'm feeling like I'm too old. Go figure. We waited too long, my husband wasted so much time and no matter what I did, he couldn't get it together. I feel that ship has sailed and we should just accept that we will be child free and get on with our lives. It is painful to constantly be in a state of uncertainty. I think if I went and found out I couldn't have kids I would be relieved. At least some one made the decision for me.

 

Am I alone??? Has anyone ever been through something like this???

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So.. I've been struggling with this decision for a while now. To have kids or to remain child free? I am 39, my husband is as well.

 

My reasoning for not thus far (we've been married 6 years) has been mainly due to finances. I do not want to struggle or worse, feel like I cannot provide for a child. I don't want a life where I am stressed and worried all the time. I mean, if I got pregnant I would do my damn best for the child but.. I will not TRY for one. I don't think that is fair to the child.

 

My husband is also irresponsible and immature in a lot of ways. I don't feel stable and supported by him (mainly financially) .. another reason why I don't feel confident brining a child into the world. I don't think that is fair to the child.

 

Other things I think about.. I really don't like the place our society is in right now, in many ways but especially with how society is with family. I don't like the idea of having a child to ship them off to day care so both parents can work and then not even make ends meet. I just see it as stress and struggle. Why would I willingly choose that lifestyle? I understand sometimes people don't have a choice, but, given the choice .. I wouldn't want that for me or my child.

 

Isn't it human nature to not breed when you don't feel stable? Why bring an innocent soul into that type of environment?

 

My husband and I both come from moderately dysfunctional families. The odds of us passing on the disfunction is very high. Why do that to a kid? We might do ok, but odds are.. they will share some % of our messed up family traits. I don't think that is fair to the child.

 

With the end of my childbearing years in sight... now I'm feeling like I'm too old. Go figure. We waited too long, my husband wasted so much time and no matter what I did, he couldn't get it together. I feel that ship has sailed and we should just accept that we will be child free and get on with our lives. It is painful to constantly be in a state of uncertainty. I think if I went and found out I couldn't have kids I would be relieved. At least some one made the decision for me.

 

Am I alone??? Has anyone ever been through something like this???

 

I made a thread a while back called "Childless By Choice." A lot of people on this site have chosen not to procreate.

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All that stuff you mentioned can be overcome. You can be a good parent without a lot of money. You can be a parent who can raise a good child who makes a positive difference in the world. You can be a good parent even if your husband isn't a great parent. You can work to not pass on dysfunction.

 

But all of that doesn't matter if you don't feel a passion to be a mother. You need that selfless desire to raise another person in order to be motivated to do the work that good parenting requires.

 

And if you don't feel that NEED and passion to parent, there is no reason you have to do it. You say you would feel relieved if you found out you couldn't have kids. Will you get the same relief if you hear that you don't have to? Because you don't.

 

If in 5 or 10 years, you feel you missed out, you can choose to be a foster parent, and even adopt.

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It sounds like youve made your case and are looking for us to validate it. You could go for it and experience the moments of bliss parenting brings but with what you described your life will become much more challenging, more so than if you were as the other poster said passionate about being a mom or even just not so passionate but entering the decision from being financially and emotionally secure in yourself and your h/marriage. Kids rock those boats. For a long time. Don't do it. It can be a truly selfless decision as you've demonstrated thinking about what you could or couldn't give the child, not just "I want a baby".

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I never had kids and I'm glad!!!

 

If I had them now, I'd be scared to death for them. What kind of future will they have? What will the world be like 50 years from now? What will the population situation be like? The clean water situation? The terrorism situation? The pollution situation?

 

I'm glad to hear you're giving it so much thought. It makes me cringe when people have children without regard to their financial situation, their emotional maturity, etc. Some people, quite frankly, should simply not breed, especially those who have no plans on actually spending quality time with the children they bore or those with shaky marriages.

 

I have never felt I've missed out by not having kids. In fact, I love my freedom!! My kids are my dogs. That's all I need. :)

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I totally agree Daisy.. I think about that a lot too. I am scared for the world and I do not agree with a lot of how we (society) live. I don't feel compelled to bring another unfortunate soul into this life. I think of it more from the child's perspective rather than my own. I never think things like "*I* want a baby, *I* want to know motherhood, *I* want a family, etc..."

 

Also, I think what I am having a hard time letting go of is the idea of family. I come from a large family and some of the best times of my life were spent with family. I don't have that anymore. People have passed away, people have grown apart, people are at odds with each other. Even if we have a child or two, we will never have the large extended family I grew up with nor will they have any grandfathers. That makes me really sad. I feel bad for the (would be) child.

 

I guess my idea of family is not just me and my husband and a kid or two, that seems so... sad. Because of all this, I just assume not bother and take my life in a different direction.

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I just think if things were different I would be all for it. If I had the support of my family. If I had more support from my husband. If there was more (any???) support for self employed people. If families could live off one income or hell -two at this point! I feel like everything in my life is in direct opposition of a supportive environment for having children.

 

 

Why does it have to be so hard? Why are societal norms so backwards and so far gone from humanity? Why does it have to be so challenging and stressful? Why is everything we do in direct opposition of everything we need to be truly happy, peaceful humans? I feel like I'm in the wrong time. I don't agree with how 'modern' society lives. I have always felt that way. If I was living a fruitful, joyous life, I would definitely want to share it with children. But I struggle. It is a struggle being different. It is a struggle feeling this way, seeing things this way. I don't want to impart that burden on ANYONE else

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Also, I think what I am having a hard time letting go of is the idea of family. I come from a large family and some of the best times of my life were spent with family. I don't have that anymore. People have passed away, people have grown apart, people are at odds with each other. .

 

 

When you were little, things were different. We live in a world now where kids are exposed to everything - and I mean EVERYTHING. If they have access to a computer, they can watch porn, beheadings, tutorials on how to build a bomb, etc. They're jaded and desensitized. Imagine how much more will be available to them 15 years from now, as a teen, and the pressures they'd have to endure from their peers. Parents just don't have the respect of their children so much anymore, esp. since the worst thing that can happen to them if they misbehave is "time out."

 

 

I agree - many people do say, "I want a baby," with no thought for the child and its welfare. It's not always out of genuine maternal feelings but the need to be needed - filling an emotional gap. Once the child is no longer a cute little baby, they're an annoyance.

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I don't feel compelled to bring another unfortunate soul into this life.

RosieRo,

I am childless by choice and, at almost 55, I do not regret my choice.

 

Nevertheless, the thing is: there are no "unfortunate souls" that come into embodiment. None of us are here "by accident" or "fate" or something like that. The teachings about this are, by nature, spiritual (not necessarily religious).

I'm offering these links only if you might be interested, and they are of spiritual nature, given your -- rightful, IMO -- concern for the soul that will be born on Earth. My reasons for not having children include those that you have expressed. In any case. Please ignore and reject entirely the articles, or any part thereof, that does not fit with your personal philosophy. Remember why you chose to embody in a difficult situation

 

It also is not accurate to say that family dysfunctions will inevitably be passed down as some type of "legacy". The NEW parents are 100% responsible for their own healthy psychology and for their children's. Again, I am NOT a parent, but I found some of the views in this article most interesting/enlightening (as I said, it also is in spiritual context): Foundational teachings on raising children

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My reasoning for not thus far (we've been married 6 years) has been mainly due to finances. I do not want to struggle or worse, feel like I cannot provide for a child. I don't want a life where I am stressed and worried all the time. I mean, if I got pregnant I would do my damn best for the child but.. I will not TRY for one. I don't think that is fair to the child.

 

My husband is also irresponsible and immature in a lot of ways. I don't feel stable and supported by him (mainly financially) .. another reason why I don't feel confident brining a child into the world. I don't think that is fair to the child.

 

While every part of this is an intensely personal choice, I'll lobby slightly for the other side. Nothing can prepare you for the connection you feel the first time you hold your child. And while few people are ready for the financial challenges in raising a kid (or kids!), there's joy in the struggle together as a family unit. At the very least, having kids helps you keep the problems you describe in perspective...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Lois_Griffin

Well, to be honest, it sounds as though you're already raising a child.

 

Your husband.

 

If the guy is around 40 or so and STILL doesn't have his sh*t together by now, he probably never will.

 

So if you DO choose to have a late in life child, do know that 99% of the child-rearing will fall directly on YOUR shoulders - while you work a full time job on top of it to support the family.

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Well, it's a difficult choice. It sounds like your marriage could be unstable or become unstable with a child, as your husband is immature. Of course, some men step up when they have a child - do you think he would?

 

Consider that you may not have any money saved for retirement. If you don't have enough income now, social security will provide little later. You won't be able to save much - if anything - with the expenses a child brings into the picture. We're no longer an agrarian society (unless YOU live on a farm), so children are no longer an investment, just an expense.

 

Your lifestyle will change drastically for the next 18 to 20-plus years. You won't have the freedom you have now - you will have great responsibility.

 

All this may be worth it to you. It's seldom a rational choice, but you should at least be aware of how life will change now - and forever - with a child.

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Well, to be honest, it sounds as though you're already raising a child.

 

Your husband.

 

If the guy is around 40 or so and STILL doesn't have his sh*t together by now, he probably never will.

 

So if you DO choose to have a late in life child, do know that 99% of the child-rearing will fall directly on YOUR shoulders - while you work a full time job on top of it to support the family.

 

I agree with this. And your husband, I think, is the biggest reason on why not to have a child with him.

 

I am near your age and currently pregnant with my first (and only). But I spent a long time not wanting to have kids for a multitude of reason and it wasn't until things came together over the last couple years that it was the right time. There is a window and while I am taking the plunge I think I would be equally happy if I choose not to. Life is about weighing the pros and cons and the desire to have kids isn't so black and white for everyone.

 

Go with your gut, If you ignored your age, would there be a desire? If the answer is no then let it go. You could always foster, adopt, etc. in the future if you wanted to have an impact on raising a child.

 

Enjoy your life and really look at your marriage on whether he is the life partner you should/deserve to have.

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Clarence_Boddicker

Isn't it written somewhere that having kids automatically makes the husband totally mature & responsible overnight, if he's not?

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Good points everyone, thank you for your input.

 

My husband is a big reason why I haven't feel 'safe' enough to have kids. But, I've always said I wouldn't have kids just to have them, I would only if it was right. Same with marriage. DH has gotten a lot better, but still struggles a bit. On the flip side, he is VERY loving, very affectionate, and a such a good person. Huge heart and I know he would be a great father when it comes to that stuff. He just isn't the most practical of people. Unfortunately, we lost both our fathers recently so.. we are set for retirement ;(. We have no debt (other than mortgage). I know I worry a lot about $ and about the fact that since I make more $ than him, I fear we will struggle with $ if we have kids. I work long, unpredictable hours. That would either have to change or on those days, he'd have to stay home with the kiddo. Either way, neither of our jobs (self employed - strange hours, long days) easily support a lifestyle with kids. And maternity/paternity leave - pffft we don't even get sick days.

 

Now that I'm talking this out.. it is making me realize that it is possible. I think I have been so focused on the negative the last year especially... after loosing so many loved ones. It has been awful. I'm definitely in a bit of a funk.. trying to get out of it.

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We have no debt (other than mortgage).

 

That puts you ahead of 99% of potential child-bearing couples.

 

When my kids were born, I had nothing BUT debt :eek: . And yet, somehow it all worked out...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Having children is an absolutely enormous responsibility. One should never encourage a person to have them if they are on the fence about it. A person should be "all in" or not have any at all.

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Having children is an absolutely enormous responsibility. One should never encourage a person to have them if they are on the fence about it. A person should be "all in" or not have any at all.

 

If I can walk down this side road a bit, I have struggled with this idea of being "all in" or not doing it at all. As someone that is currently prego and in the same age bracket as the OP, I spent a lot of my life not wanting kids at all. Over the past few years that has changed and I was far more open to it. BUT I have a very rich diverse life and can see/mourn that areas that I know are going to do to the wayside for awhile having a child.

 

I can't say I am ALL IN. That, in my understanding, would be 100% with no doubt in. And I am not there. But I am definitely committed to wanting to do this, understand I will juggle things and accept the disappointment of not being able to get/do everything I want to do. I went through multiple rounds of IVF so definitely show commitment to the idea! :laugh: If I don't see another shot again it will be too soon. ;)

 

But even when I was dealing with ups and downs of IVF, even when it wasn't looking successful I could see the silver lining of the things that I would have missed, travel, my horses - riding more/competitively, etc. as something I would gain again.

 

So I think maybe explain what all end means to you or what you see as the deciding bar?

 

I don't know, I have never been a woman with a big ticking clock and will never be the person who all I wanted was to have a baby. That just isn't me and I think many women are like me. Doesn't make it less than, just different.

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If I can walk down this side road a bit, I have struggled with this idea of being "all in" or not doing it at all. As someone that is currently prego and in the same age bracket as the OP, I spent a lot of my life not wanting kids at all. Over the past few years that has changed and I was far more open to it. BUT I have a very rich diverse life and can see/mourn that areas that I know are going to do to the wayside for awhile having a child.

 

I can't say I am ALL IN. That, in my understanding, would be 100% with no doubt in. And I am not there. But I am definitely committed to wanting to do this, understand I will juggle things and accept the disappointment of not being able to get/do everything I want to do. I went through multiple rounds of IVF so definitely show commitment to the idea! :laugh: If I don't see another shot again it will be too soon. ;)

 

But even when I was dealing with ups and downs of IVF, even when it wasn't looking successful I could see the silver lining of the things that I would have missed, travel, my horses - riding more/competitively, etc. as something I would gain again.

 

So I think maybe explain what all end means to you or what you see as the deciding bar?

 

I don't know, I have never been a woman with a big ticking clock and will never be the person who all I wanted was to have a baby. That just isn't me and I think many women are like me. Doesn't make it less than, just different.

 

Thank you for sharing and being honest!

 

For me, it isn't really about the lifestyle change or not being able to pick up and travel, my career, etc. .. it is more about weather I can give the kid a good life. I'm the type of person that tends not to do things unless I can do a kick ass job. I feel that way about parenting. Like, if I don't have $, comfort, emotional stability, something great to offer/share.. I kind of don't see the point. I do love kids and I have a blast with my nieces and nephews but then I think.. 'they are better off with their parents, who are 'normal''. Horrible way to think, I know.. but that is really what it comes down to with me. I have struggled a lot in life being different, going against the flock, etc and I just don't want a kid to have to struggle in the ways I have. I mean, I am glad I am who I am... but, it has NOT BEEN EASY. I don't feel I am a well adjusted , productive member of society.... I go against the grain :D. Doesn't having kids/a family come down to having your own little social group? Sometimes I feel it is best to just end the cycle with me and not pass it down. I know we are in control of how we raise them, but, it is inevitable they'd be SOMEWHAT like me/us. Birds of a feather type of deal. sighhhhh

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I have kids and love them dearly and would never choose to not have them in my life now that they are here.

 

However- I self identify with the childless by choice camp more than the want kids camp.

 

I never had any desire for kids, was never into any kind of child issues and never had any interest in kids or kids stuff.

 

Frankly, I found them annoying and irritating and never wanted to be around kids or have them around me.

 

I like my kids now that they are 10 and 13 and I can relate to them better and do things with them, but I'll be honest - having babies and toddlers around was hell for me.

 

The thing with me is I happened to fall in love with and married a woman that had a deep yearning and passion to be a mother and had maternal hormones dripping out her pores.

 

I made my best efforts to be a good father and to provide for my family but it was very hard and other than not being an alcoholic and not being a cheater or abusive, I probably sucked as a father in the early days.

 

The reason we survived is my wife was so maternal she made up for some of my lack of paternal drives and competence and I had just enough moral development and character that I never walked away ( although I do understand those who do)

 

My wife would've still yearned for children and would've still advocated having them even if we were living in a cardboard box under a bridge. She would've found a way to have them and care for them even if I was completely unemployed. If I had refused to have kids and told her of my true feelings about kids, she would've divorced me in the blink of an eye and found someone who would give them to her even if he was a much lesser man in all other areas.

 

The fact that neither of you seem to have a burning desire or deep yearning for children tells me that you probably shouldn't.

 

The fact that you as a woman are looking at this from a purely practical and financial aspect, tells me that you shouldn't.

 

The fact you describe your husband in purely financial terms and don't say anything about him yearning for kids, tells me you shouldn't.

 

If I could change one thing about the world, it would be that people accept other people's choice to not have kids without putting them down or making them feel like they are letting down the rest of the family.

 

If your nosey Aunt Matilda wants there to be babies at the next family reunion so bad, she can crap them out and bring her own.

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Thank you for sharing and being honest!

 

For me, it isn't really about the lifestyle change or not being able to pick up and travel, my career, etc. .. it is more about weather I can give the kid a good life. I'm the type of person that tends not to do things unless I can do a kick ass job. I feel that way about parenting. Like, if I don't have $, comfort, emotional stability, something great to offer/share.. I kind of don't see the point. I do love kids and I have a blast with my nieces and nephews but then I think.. 'they are better off with their parents, who are 'normal''. Horrible way to think, I know.. but that is really what it comes down to with me. I have struggled a lot in life being different, going against the flock, etc and I just don't want a kid to have to struggle in the ways I have. I mean, I am glad I am who I am... but, it has NOT BEEN EASY. I don't feel I am a well adjusted , productive member of society.... I go against the grain :D. Doesn't having kids/a family come down to having your own little social group? Sometimes I feel it is best to just end the cycle with me and not pass it down. I know we are in control of how we raise them, but, it is inevitable they'd be SOMEWHAT like me/us. Birds of a feather type of deal. sighhhhh

 

 

Now given all that I have said in my previous post, I will say this-

 

- kids themselves ask very little. All they want is to be loved, talked to, touched, Fed, changed and not abused or neglected. That's it. That's all they ask.

 

They don't know and couldn't care less if you make $30k/yr or a million. It's adults that worry about status and designer jeans and what cars people drive and the state of you 401k. Kids don't.

 

And No child EVER had ever grown up in a perfect home with perfect parents and didn't experience angst and discomfort at some point.

 

If you need a perfect life and need perfection to have kids, then you nights as well stop even thinking about kids at all. Kids and "perfection" don't jive.

 

You will watch your bank account suffer. You won't be able to put as much in your 401k. You will have to call in sick to work.....a lot.

 

If you think your husband is immature now, you will hate him soon.

 

He will resent you and the time and energy both of you have to put towards the child.

 

Barney will be on TV every morning.

 

Your house will be a mess and you won't have time or energy to fix it.

 

Forget about sleep.

 

You will lose most if not all of your friends that don't have kids.

 

Your sex life may dry up completely and never return.

 

Stretch marks.

 

And you will never again sleep in. And even once your kids are adults and on their own, you will never again turn your phone off. You will untill the day you die sleep with one ear tuned to the phone in case you get "the call."

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newlywedder

What some people in my church Bible study are doing is the foster to adopt program. They get foster kids that are currently in need of a home while their parents sort out their lives. There are some foster kids that can end up being adopted too. That might be a way to become a parent temporarily if you feel like you are missing it from your life. If you end up enjoying being a parent then you can adopt permanently or have your own kids.

 

39 is not too old. I had a boss that was 42 and conceived her first child, a baby girl. She got married at 40 for the first time. I think she used invitro.

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TaraMaiden2
Isn't it written somewhere that having kids automatically makes the husband totally mature & responsible overnight, if he's not?

 

Yes. It's also written that the tooth fairy will bring you money in exchange for your milk teeth, the Easter bunny leaves you chocolate eggs to find in the garden, and Santa Claus flies round the world in one night and delivers wonderful toys to good girls and boys.

 

So yes, your 'written somewhere' is just as weighty in its validity.... :D

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Now given all that I have said in my previous post, I will say this-

 

- kids themselves ask very little. All they want is to be loved, talked to, touched, Fed, changed and not abused or neglected. That's it. That's all they ask.

 

They don't know and couldn't care less if you make $30k/yr or a million. It's adults that worry about status and designer jeans and what cars people drive and the state of you 401k. Kids don't.

 

And No child EVER had ever grown up in a perfect home with perfect parents and didn't experience angst and discomfort at some point.

 

If you need a perfect life and need perfection to have kids, then you nights as well stop even thinking about kids at all. Kids and "perfection" don't jive.

 

You will watch your bank account suffer. You won't be able to put as much in your 401k. You will have to call in sick to work.....a lot.

 

If you think your husband is immature now, you will hate him soon.

 

He will resent you and the time and energy both of you have to put towards the child.

 

Barney will be on TV every morning.

 

Your house will be a mess and you won't have time or energy to fix it.

 

Forget about sleep.

 

You will lose most if not all of your friends that don't have kids.

 

Your sex life may dry up completely and never return.

 

Stretch marks.

 

And you will never again sleep in. And even once your kids are adults and on their own, you will never again turn your phone off. You will untill the day you die sleep with one ear tuned to the phone in case you get "the call."

 

See, I don't worry about any of this.. I don't care about $ in terms of wanting designer jeans.. I care about being so stressed that we cannot make ends meet that we become stressed/miserable.. I don't want that lifestyle for me or my would be kid. I could give a sh*t less about kids having their iphones, north faces and uggs.

 

I know kids don't ask for much, but that isn't what I mean. Yes, some people grow and become great coming from adversity but it is very rare. The odds are the kid would be just like us.. and honestly, does the world NEED another version of US? Not really.. so I would be doing it purely for selfish reasons, essentially. Because *I* want a family.

 

It isn't perfection I am after, I am not that way. Unfortunately, it seems the ones (like me) who over think it end up NOT breeding when actually we would probably raise good people. And the majority of people don't think about it, they just do it and they are raising a generation of *********s. hahaha Its kind of a paradox.. lol

 

That being said, I know there are plenty of parents that do a great job but from what I see, that is NOT the majority.. at least where I live. sighhhh I know, I know... I'm not a parent so I cannot judge but I'm NOT JUDGING, I'm just simple OBSERVING WHAT I SEE.

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A person should be "all in" or not have any at all.

 

There is very little correlation between BC (before child) attitudes and AC rearing of your own kids. Some my friends who were the swinging players, the most vocal about not wanting kids, turned out to be the best Dads and Moms.

 

There is no sufficient advance anticipation of the highs of love, joy and bonding, no adequate preparation for the lows of sleep deprivation, sex-life buzz kill and voluntarily putting your own needs for career, adult companionship and (occasionally) hygiene on ignore.

 

By it's nature, an intellectual discussion of "whether or not" has little real-world relevance...

 

Mr. Lucky

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