When Children of Divorce Marry

[Brigit_1]

My parents divorced when I was six. I only have brief memories of when they were married, none positive. Being the older child I became the unlucky observer of this pathological mess and was pulled into situations that reeked havoc on my "childhood."

 

Huff post wrote an article:

 

Are Children of Divorce Doomed to Repeat their Parents' Mistakes?*|*Robert Hughes, Jr.

 

Children with divorced parents have less positive attitude towards marriage and a lower commitment to maintaining romantic ties. In short, when these young people encounter difficulties or are somewhat unhappy with the relationship, they are more likely to end the relationship when compared with young people whose parents were continuously married. This finding extends into marriage. Paul Amato and Danielle DeBoer found that married persons whose parents were divorced were much more likely to have thought about divorce than persons whose parents were continuously married. They were more likely to think that marital problems could not be fixed and were more pessimistic about the chances of improving their relationships.

 

This is true in my case. Getting married was terrifying and I remember walking down the aisle and assuring myself "Don't worry. If it doesn't work out you'll divorce. Just have a nice time. Take pictures, dance. It's party. It's just a party." Now maybe I'm not representative of most brides or maybe I am but this is the stuff you won't read in Brides Magazine.

 

In any case, I will soon be celebrating my 14 year wedding anniversary to a man who thinks I'm a great wife even though I'm not always so wonderful. When things get bad I'm the first one who mentions divorce. He never does.

 

I saw my father get remarried three more times and my mother had lots of boyfriends. My husband only saw his parents with each other.

 

If you're a child of divorce do you feel you can trust in marriage or do you always have a plan B tucked away in your head?

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't think it's something you can evaluate.

 

I love how they calculate and dig up these figures and statistics....

 

 

My parents were together for 57 years.

My elder brother divorced once.

I divorced twice.

My younger brother has never married, doesn't want to, and certainly doesn't want kids.

[newlywedder]

My dad left us when I was 5 years old. I have very vivid memories of how unhappy they both were throughout the marriage. They were always screaming and arguing. My mom blamed me for my dad leaving, saying it was because I was so "spoiled". I grew up to resemble my dad so that gave my mom a reason to start abuse me emotionally and physically. She kept telling me how ugly, fat and stupid I was and my self esteem took a nosedive. I did not see my dad for a year after he left.

 

On the other hand, my husband of 1 year has parents who have been married for 40 + years now. He has two sisters, one who has been married for 10 years and one who is single. I have one sister who has been married to her only husband for 8 years now and they have a child together. I can't see myself ever getting a divorce and think of my broken family as a lesson on what not to do. My mom was always emotionally abusing my dad too and telling him he was not good enough for her and didn't make enough money.

 

I hate emotional abuse and despise physical so would never do it myself to anyone who I love. I am extremely sensitive and that comes from being abused so much by my mother.

 

Both of my parents, who are now deceased, got remarried once and then divorced again and had numerous short-term relationships thereafter. Mom got married 6 weeks to a guy she met through dating classifieds and dad for 10 years to a very nasty lady who used him. Before my dad died, he told me he wished he stayed with my mom, his true love, and made things work instead of leave. Leaving, he said, was the biggest mistake he made in his life.

[Brigit_1]

I don't think it's something you can evaluate.

 

I love how they calculate and dig up these figures and statistics....

 

 

My parents were together for 57 years.

My elder brother divorced once.

I divorced twice.

My younger brother has never married, doesn't want to, and certainly doesn't want kids.

 

Were you parent's happy?

[TaraMaiden2]

Were you parent's happy?

 

Extremely.

That's not to say they didn't have their ups and downs.

Sure at times things got heated.

But my mother was at my father's bedside (as was I) when he died.

 

Time heals nothing.

She misses him a little more each day....

[Brigit_1]

My dad left us when I was 5 years old. I have very vivid memories of how unhappy they both were throughout the marriage. They were always screaming and arguing. My mom blamed me for my dad leaving, saying it was because I was so "spoiled". I grew up to resemble my dad so that gave my mom a reason to start abuse me emotionally and physically. She kept telling me how ugly, fat and stupid I was and my self esteem took a nosedive. I did not see my dad for a year after he left.

 

On the other hand, my husband of 1 year has parents who have been married for 40 + years now. He has two sisters, one who has been married for 10 years and one who is single. I have one sister who has been married to her only husband for 8 years now and they have a child together. I can't see myself ever getting a divorce and think of my broken family as a lesson on what not to do. My mom was always emotionally abusing my dad too and telling him he was not good enough for her and didn't make enough money.

 

I hate emotional abuse and despise physical so would never do it myself to anyone who I love. I am extremely sensitive and that comes from being abused so much by my mother.

 

 

I'm sorry your mom said those terrible things to you. She sounds horrible. It's good you used their bad marriage as a framework of dysfunction that you refuse to repeat.

[Brigit_1]

Extremely.

That's not to say they didn't have their ups and downs.

Sure at times things got heated.

But my mother was at my father's bedside (as was I) when he died.

 

Time heals nothing.

She misses him a little more each day....

 

Awww...that's true love.

[understand50]

Parents divorced when I was 11. I been married 40 years plus. Like all things, you make your own life when you go out on your own, or you should. Never considered my parents marriage, my own. Wife parents were together over 70 years, so do not know if one can draw any conclusions.

 

Of course we hear of lot's of couples breaking up, or having issue at all times in the marriage. I do not think there is a secret to marriage, if there is I do not know it.

[Brigit_1]

Parents divorced when I was 11. I been married 40 years plus. Like all things, you make your own life when you go out on your own, or you should. Never considered my parents marriage, my own. Wife parents were together over 70 years, so do not know if one can draw any conclusions.

 

Of course we hear of lot's of couples breaking up, or having issue at all times in the marriage. I do not think there is a secret to marriage, if there is I do not know it.

 

Did your parents have a decent divorce? Were they civil to each other and did you still feel loved by both of them?

[GoldieLox]

If you go into a marriage with the attitude that you're doomed to repeat your parents mistakes, and that "well there's always divorce!", IMO, you're setting yourself up to fail before you even walk down the aisle. Just my two cents (that wasn't directly toward you, OP, just making a general statement)

[Brigit_1]

If you go into a marriage with the attitude that you're doomed to repeat your parents mistakes, and that "well there's always divorce!", IMO, you're setting yourself up to fail before you even walk down the aisle. Just my two cents (that wasn't directly toward you, OP, just making a general statement)

 

I understand. I would have been a perfect candidate for premarital counseling but I didn't know it existed.

[jay1983]

What happened to your avatar?

[Mr. Lucky]

If you're a child of divorce do you feel you can trust in marriage or do you always have a plan B tucked away in your head?

 

I see it from the opposite end as the parent of an adult son who's Mom and I divorced when he was 3.

 

My son frustrated his long-time GF with his reluctance to marry, not tying the knot with her until he was in his 30's. I'd guess his experience as a child of divorce had something to do with it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

Did your parents have a decent divorce? Were they civil to each other and did you still feel loved by both of them?

 

Yes, and no. They tended to be of one mind when it came to the care of the kids, but did not want to be together at all. Caused issues later when we started having our own kids.

 

There was 8 of siblings, and we did know that Mom and Dad both loved us, that was not a problem.

[Brigit_1]

What happened to your avatar?

 

The first flower or the real picture I had up for about five minutes?

[Brigit_1]

Y

There was 8 of siblings, and we did know that Mom and Dad both loved us, that was not a problem.

 

That's important and can make all the difference.

[Babs22]

Hi Brigit! My parents remained married until my dad passed, but my mom's first marriage ended in divorce. They had one son, my older brother. He was only 3 when his dad basically abandoned them. This was at a time when people did not get divorce. That brother has been happily married for a long time and is nearly 70 now and I know they will remain together.

 

I saw my mom and dad in a pretty happy marriage. I don't remember them fighting. I have been married for 20 years together for 30. It is likely headed for divorce although neither of us has said that word yet.

 

In regards to you bringing up the divorce word to your husband when things get tough, it reminds me of my friend. Her mom and dad were happily married until her dad passed a little over a year ago. When she and her H get in an argument, she will bring up divorce. They are both very happily married, and neither can imagine not being with the other, so it makes no sense for her to make this ultimatum. I told her that she needed to stop making that threat. It is obvious she doesn't plan on following through and it hurts her husbands feelings. She gets it, but she is very feisty, he is not. She usually ends up getting her way too. I just think it is not the best thing to say. It almost closes the door to finding a resolution for compromise. It's like saying, I give up.

[Babs22]

Oh yeah. My parents (who were married till death) had three other children (in addition to me and my older brother). One sister got a divorce and got remarried, my brother is divorced and has not remarried, and my youngest sister has decided to not ever get married. I don't see a correlation between having happily married parents on our marital success.

[Brigit_1]

Oh yeah. My parents (who were married till death) had three other children (in addition to me and my older brother). One sister got a divorce and got remarried, my brother is divorced and has not remarried, and my youngest sister has decided to not ever get married. I don't see a correlation between having happily married parents on our marital success.

 

I suppose if you did a large study of 1000 people 500 children of divorce and 500 parents who stayed married you might find a correlation. As far as the posts here it seems the findings of the article are false.

 

I know what you mean about not using the divorce card. Sometimes my husband yells at me and keeps it going and often it escalates to the point I feel I need OUT. So my mind automatically beings planning divorce. When he yells I get so emotionally distraught that my higher level problem solving skills go out the window. I clutch on to divorce as my savior from the situation. I'll probably never divorce him unless he hits me, which he never has and I don't think he will.

[OldRover]

I suppose if you did a large study of 1000 people 500 children of divorce and 500 parents who stayed married you might find a correlation. As far as the posts here it seems the findings of the article are false.

 

I know what you mean about not using the divorce card. Sometimes my husband yells at me and keeps it going and often it escalates to the point I feel I need OUT. So my mind automatically beings planning divorce. When he yells I get so emotionally distraught that my higher level problem solving skills go out the window. I clutch on to divorce as my savior from the situation. I'll probably never divorce him unless he hits me, which he never has and I don't think he will.

 

Brigit,

 

Sounds like you have a good marriage and the makings for a GREAT marriage.

I'd strongly recommend that you NEVER use the divorce word again. NEVER. Put the thought in your mind that you are going to grow old with this man and love him to the end.... and tell him that. Let him know that you're there for him 100%.

 

Instead, get with your husband and set some ground rules for arguments, so that you turn them into discussions. Also, read the good 5 love languages and apply it to your marriage. If you need to, get counseling, but hard to find a good counselor (worth trying).

 

Sounds like you have way too much going for you. Put the effort in and you'll be MUCH happier.

[Brigit_1]

Brigit,

 

Sounds like you have a good marriage and the makings for a GREAT marriage.

I'd strongly recommend that you NEVER use the divorce word again. NEVER. Put the thought in your mind that you are going to grow old with this man and love him to the end.... and tell him that. Let him know that you're there for him 100%.

 

Instead, get with your husband and set some ground rules for arguments, so that you turn them into discussions. Also, read the good 5 love languages and apply it to your marriage. If you need to, get counseling, but hard to find a good counselor (worth trying).

 

Sounds like you have way too much going for you. Put the effort in and you'll be MUCH happier.

 

Thank you for this post. Hugs.

 

I do have a good marriage. Recently, we've been through some bad BAD times and it really messed with my head. It seems things are calming down now or at least it feels that way.

 

I'm in a weird time in my life. There are days where I work on the marriage 100%. But then something happens and he rips into me and that can send me into a depression for a week. He knows this is wrong and does apologize. I've mentioned MC he refuses. I'm going to assume we won't divorce. However, if he starts to rip into me repeatedly again I'm not going to stand for it. Next time this happens I'm going to pack up my little dog and go to my mom's house.

[OldRover]

Thank you for this post. Hugs.

 

I do have a good marriage. Recently, we've been through some bad BAD times and it really messed with my head. It seems things are calming down now or at least it feels that way.

 

I'm in a weird time in my life. There are days where I work on the marriage 100%. But then something happens and he rips into me and that can send me into a depression for a week. He knows this is wrong and does apologize. I've mentioned MC he refuses. I'm going to assume we won't divorce. However, if he starts to rip into me repeatedly again I'm not going to stand for it. Next time this happens I'm going to pack up my little dog and go to my mom's house.

 

Brigit,

 

You NEED to help solve the violent fights. Spend some time with him and try to determine (as a couple) what causes this and how can WE prevent it.

 

Get some counseling on your own and work on him going with you. I'd pack up the dog for the mom's house as a LAST resort, but that will certainly throw up a barrier between you two, which you don't need.

 

Some how, he needs to come around and eliminate the ripping into you. That has to stop.

 

I dated a girl with those characteristics for awhile, and that (and the issues that caused it) ended our relationship and it just tore me apart. Hope do not end up like I did.

[Brigit_1]

Brigit,

 

You NEED to help solve the violent fights. Spend some time with him and try to determine (as a couple) what causes this and how can WE prevent it.

 

Get some counseling on your own and work on him going with you. I'd pack up the dog for the mom's house as a LAST resort, but that will certainly throw up a barrier between you two, which you don't need.

 

Some how, he needs to come around and eliminate the ripping into you. That has to stop.

 

I dated a girl with those characteristics for awhile, and that (and the issues that caused it) ended our relationship and it just tore me apart. Hope do not end up like I did.

 

I do need to see a therapist. I've been putting it off because...because I just don't want to but I'll get around to it I suppose.

 

Sorry about what happened in your relationship. I know what it feels like to have someone scream you into despair.

[Babs22]

Brigit, that makes sense what you say about when he is yelling at you, especially if he won't stop. I am sorry that triggers your depression but totally understand why it would. I can see why, out of desperation, you use the divorce word and in your case you probably feel like that is a real possibility. No one likes to be yelled at and it sounds like, even though your husband is sorry for it, he is unwilling/unable to change something that obviously hurts you so badly (causing depression). I agree that you should get counseling. It can help you know how to deal with it when it happens.

 

My husband and I were together about 9 years prior to marriage. No arguments really that I remember. Then we got married and immediately had a child, his family moved to this country almost immediately following. Lots of stressors that never existed. Also more people to speak in my husbands ear about how things should be. I think, if our kids didn't have health problems, we could have made it. But it turns out when he is frustrated, my H is a yeller. I don't tolerate this well. I started asking him to lower his voice since I am standing right next to him. He doesn't really like that. Anyways, lots of resentments over the years have built up. I never packed up and left because I had two kids and so would stay and muddle through. I do stand up for myself now, I don't think I did originally. I won't put up with his yelling. I usually remain very calm but speak firmly about what I think. I don't think my husband would ever hit me either, but if he ever did, that is a deal breaker for me. I would file for divorce so fast, his head would spin.

 

I hope you do speak to a counsellor. Hopefully, they can coach you on what to do or say when your husband yells. Maybe you could take a walk with your dog when he starts yelling, perhaps he will cool down by the time you get home. It sounds like you need a bit of separation so he can at least stop and think about what he's doing. Does he apologize? My husband has never apologized. Not to me, not to the kids. It's a trait I really dislike.

[Brigit_1]

Brigit, that makes sense what you say about when he is yelling at you, especially if he won't stop. I am sorry that triggers your depression but totally understand why it would. I can see why, out of desperation, you use the divorce word and in your case you probably feel like that is a real possibility. No one likes to be yelled at and it sounds like, even though your husband is sorry for it, he is unwilling/unable to change something that obviously hurts you so badly (causing depression). I agree that you should get counseling. It can help you know how to deal with it when it happens.

 

Maybe you could take a walk with your dog when he starts yelling, perhaps he will cool down by the time you get home. It sounds like you need a bit of separation so he can at least stop and think about what he's doing. Does he apologize? My husband has never apologized. Not to me, not to the kids. It's a trait I really dislike.

 

Thank you for your post. It's a bad problem Babs. He yells, I get quiet and retreat to my bed. He has anger issues and he's aware of them. He's trying hard to change and he has gotten better over the years. I have to give him credit. He has definitively made improvements but it still happens. I love him so much. He's my best friend and a kind, decent man. I've done some stuff in this marriage I'm not proud of and he's forgiven me. I try and forgive him for his yelling but if it hits an emotional cord and I fall into a depression there isn't much I can do but try to get thru it. I do try and be a good wife and I'm motivated to make this marriage work. But if he pushes me too far and I get really depressed I'm going leave him. I don't think that will happen. I hope it won't happen. I don't think I'd handle a divorce very well.