farmtomarket Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 My marriage of 15 years ended over a year ago. We have one child. I screwed up a lot and so did he. And after filing, I got into a serious relationship FAST. My ex was stubborn, not willing to step up to the plate and be a provider...I was the breadwinner and helped support him after he built his business etc. He would make me dinners and be "nice" to me...but he was always so darn negative. Texts all day about how he hurt his foot -- the dog had an accident, our child is annoying. You get the drift. But, when I filed divorce and moved on -- and he saw I was in a relationship - he went NUTS. He called businesses and said I committed credit card fraud because I used a card in his name (we were married and had joint accounts) ...he trashed me to all of our friends. He even trashed me to my own family. He also told our son that I cheated on him, didn't love him anymore.... and basically turned everyone he could against me. But, then seemed to consider having me back...when my relationship broke up. That's where we are again now. He wants to try to see if we can work again... and I just don't know what to think. How do I face family? friends? co-workers. He has ruined my name. Even told moms and teachers at my son's school that I was a whore...essentially. Now, he's returned to his religious roots and he says he's willing to work on things.... What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'd pass. He's just not relationship material - which is why you left him in the first place. I can't imagine why you'd want to THAT all over again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'd work toward building a civilized co-parent dynamic with him but that's it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 you both owe one another apologies. Him for damaging your reputation. He really needs to show remorse. By the same token, enpathy would have gone a long way for you when he aired his stressors. My ex automatically "assumed" certain things were my "duty" to deal with and he didnt want to hear it. His career was more important then "our family" disruptions. So at the least, both of you need to own your sides and be more mindful of how it affects the other. Since you are back together, find a middle ground of gratitude and get counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 My marriage of 15 years ended over a year ago. We have one child. I screwed up a lot and so did he. And after filing, I got into a serious relationship FAST. My ex was stubborn, not willing to step up to the plate and be a provider...I was the breadwinner and helped support him after he built his business etc. He would make me dinners and be "nice" to me...but he was always so darn negative. Texts all day about how he hurt his foot -- the dog had an accident, our child is annoying. You get the drift. But, when I filed divorce and moved on -- and he saw I was in a relationship - he went NUTS. He called businesses and said I committed credit card fraud because I used a card in his name (we were married and had joint accounts) ...he trashed me to all of our friends. He even trashed me to my own family. He also told our son that I cheated on him, didn't love him anymore.... and basically turned everyone he could against me. But, then seemed to consider having me back...when my relationship broke up. That's where we are again now. He wants to try to see if we can work again... and I just don't know what to think. How do I face family? friends? co-workers. He has ruined my name. Even told moms and teachers at my son's school that I was a whore...essentially. Now, he's returned to his religious roots and he says he's willing to work on things.... What would you do? Why did you divorce him? Has anything changed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author farmtomarket Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 He was super immature and negative. Now he's definitely grown up and maintained his own business and been a good dad. But he's still very negative. On fathers days I booked dinner for him and our son... Got him a present etc. he wasn't feeling well and literally told me that he worried he had the plague. He's extremely dramatic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Have you thought about the possibility that he has an illness such as being bipolar ?.. there aren't many reasons for doing the things you posted about then making a 180, IMO he will cycle and it will all come tumbling down. I know you want the best for your Son, but given the idea of what he has told your Son maybe it would be best if you and your son healed from your past marriage before getting into another with the same man who while you say has changed most likely hasn't or can't change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'd stay far away. No telling who else besides him got into his head and encouraged him to defame you all over town. Focus on yourself and your son, and give him a wide berth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 In my opinion, people who go so far as to damage another persons livlihood is a whole different level of abuse. Think about it. They are saying they do not want you to eat and pay your bills. They essentially do not want you to survive. How can you possibly even entertain a notion of trying again with someone who deep down wishes you to be dead if they can't have you as they want? I understand its hard to get your mind around the reality of this, but you must protect yourself. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farmtomarket Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Yes this is true. He told everyone horrible things about me. And when my mother came to visit..she literally stayed with him and my son. She wants us to reconcile. His family has never reached out to me. When they visit they won't even come into contact with me. I have to pick my son up out of their sight. Now he is trying to send me business and asking me to help him get business. He's sending me emails w business suggestions etc. says he is trying to help me. But yesterday my own son told me that he knows that I cheated on his dad. Because his dad told him I got into relationship before we were officially divorced. My son is 9. It just all breaks my heart. I admit I asked my ex if we reconciled...if I could move back in. (I miss my son). He said he still needs to time etc etc. but it's possible. It's just tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) He tried to destroy your livelihood, your relationship with your own child and your reputation. What you did by having a relationship before divorce was finished hurt you....these are the consequences from an unhealthy man with a crushed ego and a personality disorder. If you think this is fixable, do so but know that the damage is done and it was done by him. In life our relationship with our children are precious and he planted seeds of anger in your son towards you. That can't be undone without serious counseling and some deep internal work on yourself, and with your child. Your husband reacted with a tantrum and almost destroyed you in the process. Freezing you out or divorcing you would have been the mature way for him to handle it while you co parented with love and equanimity, but he chose to destroy you. If that is the type of man you want to try to grovel to, then you need to figure out why you hate yourself so much. If someone trying to sever your bond with your son isn't serious to you, you need to figure out why. Why would anyone want a man who hurt his own son by exposing him to grownup matters that have nothing to do with him. He did it to punish you...think of how selfish that is. He is unhealthy, you are unhealthy and yes, this situation is ridiculous and unhealthy. Time for counseling...make an appointment for yourself first so you can figure out why you want that terrible marriage back and why you want to be with a man who is so selfish and willing to destroy the innocence of your son to punish you. Good luck, Grumps Edited July 7, 2015 by Grumpybutfun 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farmtomarket Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I got into the relationship before I was officially divorced. But I did not cheat on my ex. And he knows that. He just wanted that as his story to help play the victim I think it's just easy to go back to the "family" but he won't even let me back... Yet. And my son lies to him about what he does with me. So he doesn't make him mad. He knows daddy won't approve of certain things with me.... Like shopping or amusement parks. I am in therapy. Just getting going on it. I guess I need more. Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I got into the relationship before I was officially divorced. But I did not cheat on my ex. And he knows that. He just wanted that as his story to help play the victim I think it's just easy to go back to the "family" but he won't even let me back... Yet. And my son lies to him about what he does with me. So he doesn't make him mad. He knows daddy won't approve of certain things with me.... Like shopping or amusement parks. I am in therapy. Just getting going on it. I guess I need more. No you are doing fine. You are trying and that's what counts. In some ways you will have to cultivate some patience and bide your time with your son so as to be in his best interest and not hurt him with drama. Parents sacrifice for their babies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farmtomarket Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Yes and no... I have struggled a lot. I know my ex went nutso with his bad press on me etc. But, I kind of just went nuts all together. I started a relationship with a guy very quickly and I moved in with him. We've broken up several times, but I'm still with him....and still quietly considering reconciling with my ex. Clearly...I'm still not right. The man I live with ...is a great guy for SO many reasons. But, he's also extremely controlling and possessive. He even gets upset when I go out of town to visit my son... if he's not along for the ride. He often suggests that my son come live with us...but my ex would never let that happen. And often I don't push anything...because I realize that it is best for my son. Honestly, though, I have thought about reconciling with my ex just to make it better for my son.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I started a relationship with a guy very quickly and I moved in with him. We've broken up several times, but I'm still with him....and still quietly considering reconciling with my ex. Clearly...I'm still not right. He often suggests that my son come live with us...but my ex would never let that happen. And often I don't push anything...because I realize that it is best for my son. Honestly, though, I have thought about reconciling with my ex just to make it better for my son.... What would be best for your son would be to be spared from all the drama adults have brought into his life. Think about it - being forced to lie about what he does with you? Stuck in the middle of a contentious divorce with partners bad-mouthing each other - to him? He needs some people acting like adults in his life, hopefully prioritizing him and his emotional heath before they queue up the next chapter in their love life... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I don't understand why you didn't sue this flaming jack-hole for libel and/or slander as his blatant LIES have had a negative affect on your personal reputation as well has having done considerable damage to your business reputation. Why are you choosing to be a victim of this nasty, vindictive loser without making him pay any consequences for the damage he's done? Why are you condoning this horrific disrespect continually directed at you? Not only are you allowing him to destroy you, but you're actually considering a possible reconciliation with this assclown. That means you're condoning it. I'm not even going to touch on how utterly ignorant and senseless going back to this classless animal would be. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 OP, having read your other threads about current bf's abusive behavior as well as this one about your husband I think, frankly, you need to step away from men entirely for a while and focus on your relationship with your son. Your son is the priority here and I think your own personal issues (ie allowing yourself to be victimized by men) is really damaging to your son and will continue to damage him further the longer all this goes on. I can't begin to imagine your son's state of mind at this point. He must be just devastated by all this destruction and drama perpetuated by the adults in his life who are supposed to protect him. Ditch the men; there's time for that later. Your son needs you NOW. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 the damage is done and it was done by him THIS. Thisthisthis. No matter what he or any crazies he has been listening to tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author farmtomarket Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Honestly, my son is just desperate for me to reconcile with my ex. He told me last weekend that dad gets so mad when he finds out that we spend time with my on again off again fiancé. I told him that was adult problems he shouldn't worry about. He told me his dad told him that I left him for my fiancé before we were divorced and that my fiancé is crazy. My son is pouty and stubborn when spending time with us initially but then warms up. The problem is I live with my fiancé so my son must be exposed to him when he visits. I can't go stay at a hotel....just to please my ex. Not to mention, I have a new business. My fiancé encouraged me to try my hand at it. I'm currently making good money but there's no guarantees paycheck. So if I left him tomorrow... There's little reliable money. I have 3 contracts that will be in place for 4 more months. But after that? I could be in a horrible financial position. I just don't know. So of course that makes me even more nervous about leaving my fiancé. But my ex husband did ruin my reputation. He even told my old colleagues that I lost my mind and like I said... Called hair salons etc where I had credit cards on file and said I committed fraud with his credit card. He never apologized. He said I should have changed out the credit cards to my own ... It was my fault. This happened the same month we got divorced! I didn't remember where our joint cards were in file... He clearly just wanted to ruin me. But now he too is trying to help me get business. But also asking for me to call in favors to get HIM business with my clients. He's acting very nice to me and saying we can have dinner as a family etc if I truly leave my fiancé (I left him 2 weeks ago and went back). OP, having read your other threads about current bf's abusive behavior as well as this one about your husband I think, frankly, you need to step away from men entirely for a while and focus on your relationship with your son. Your son is the priority here and I think your own personal issues (ie allowing yourself to be victimized by men) is really damaging to your son and will continue to damage him further the longer all this goes on. I can't begin to imagine your son's state of mind at this point. He must be just devastated by all this destruction and drama perpetuated by the adults in his life who are supposed to protect him. Ditch the men; there's time for that later. Your son needs you NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 You seem to have a lot of excuses for not protecting your son - both from his father and from your bf. Why is that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farmtomarket Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Probably because I feel incapable of standing in my own 2 feet and being on my own with a new business. I do love my fiancé. But the control... I just don't know how to be on my own and really thrive. I've left a couple times and I always go back. I cave in. You seem to have a lot of excuses for not protecting your son - both from his father and from your bf. Why is that? Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Probably because I feel incapable of standing in my own 2 feet and being on my own with a new business. I do love my fiancé. But the control... I just don't know how to be on my own and really thrive. I've left a couple times and I always go back. I cave in. Yeah, I get that. But you're not thriving now either, are you? More importantly, is your son thriving? I'll answer that for you - no, he is not. He is MISERABLE. You're not helping him, his father is not helping him, and your bf is not helping him. And all of you have excuses why you can't help the poor child cope. This is not fair or healthy for him, at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farmtomarket Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Well it seems he and my ex seem to do much better without me in the picture. My ex works from home and my son has spent the weekdays there and I get every other weekend. He does terrific when I'm not in the picture. If I am in the picture... He either wants me to hang out with his dad. Or he doesn't want to be in my house... (Since it involves my fiancé). This is why sometimes I feel it's best for him to just be with his dad. His dad has brainwashed him that I'm a cheating whore and as much as I do see his love for me ... I know he has been told to be an investigator. His dad literally tells him to take my phone and go through my texts to see what I'm saying to my fiancé and how often I'm talking to him. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I admit I asked my ex if we reconciled...if I could move back in. (I miss my son). You may not have cheated on your ex-husband, but these sorts of interactions could be interpreted as cheating on your fiancée. I imagine he's in the dark about all of this, right? The advice you've gotten about not being in a relationship with either man, other than as a co-parent with your ex, is the best advice you could possibly follow. You need to get healthy yourself before you can find a healthy relationship, and at a minimum, your dependence on such f*cked-up men is the farthest thing from healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 you need therapy, not an ex husband or a bf. And some sound financial advice. Start working on yourself so that you are enough for yourself. And try to take care of that son of yours, he needs a mom who has it all together. Link to post Share on other sites
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