Mongostomp Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Hey guys/gals, first post on this forum, but I can't really go on anymore without talking to someone (that I don't know) about all of this. So thanks for any advice/stories you may have to share. I apologize for all the parenthesis ahead of time lol. My wife and I have been married for almost 1 year (July 10 completes our rotation around the sun together). My wife has a kid by another guy (a former sort of friend - more of an acquaintance), who I now refer to as my daughter, since her real father never had anything to do with her, and then (tragically?) passed away in May of this year. The thing is, I'm content with it, for the most part. But my wife and I both come from a small area, where everyone know's everyone. I'm good friends (at least I was at one point) with the first guy she slept with. I was ever better friends to the guy she was engaged to for a while. I'm friends with some guy(s?) she's had one night stand(s?) with due to "drunken encounters/escapades". So here it is; I love my wife. She's my favorite person. But for some reason, I torture myself with thoughts of images and encounters of her and her past lovers. Because I know them, I can imagine in vivid detail what their facial expressions might look like. Hell, I've seen a couple of there dicks from partying with them. So you get the picture? I don't know why, but for some reason, the fact that my wife has slept with some of my friends is really starting to bother me as of late. It all really started when her ex passed away and she asked me if she could attend the funeral, to which, I told her was fine and it was, I seen no harm in it. Then she asked, if she could post pictures of her and him and our daughter, to which, I lied and said I wouldn't be mad. How can I tell someone that just lost a piece of their life, they can't upload a photo or two of them? He's dead. Why does it matter? These are the things I told myself. Alas, when the photos were uploaded and I seen them, I was enraged beyond imagining. Absolutely the maddest I've ever been in my entire life. Namely because of the first photo, which was her and him locked, hand in hand, sucking each other's face. It doesn't bother me as bad now that I've cooled down and had time to think about it. But the fact that I've had time to think about it, has caused my mind to spiral out of control and plant these images or ideas in my head at any given time of the day. When I'm not focused on something, like when I'm at the gym, my mind wanders, and it always leads to thoughts of her and her past lovers. I don't want to think about these things. They're in our past, and my wife and I have an amazing marriage and equally amazing sex life. I don't want these thoughts to ruin my marriage. Because I catch myself getting mad and wanting to start fights and say ridiculous stuff like "how dare you make mistakes" or "how could you have done this to me, even though you didn't know me at the time". I often wonder every time I see some guy I know she knows, if she slept with him. It's weird because I want to know, but I definitely don't want to know. I told my wife in the beginning to keep some things to her self, like how many dudes she's slept with, who they are. And she has. I've even since tried to ask her for a number, and she won't tell me. I asked if she has slept with more than 10 dudes, and she's says no. Regardless if she's lying or not, it just plagues my mind. I believe she is not lying though. She could have lied about some people I thought she had slept with in the beginning, but she chose to tell me the truth. Like it's funny I know, but it's driving me insane. I can't tell my wife that her past, something that has nothing to do with me, is possibly ruining our marriage. Because my past is even worse. The things I've done and seen in foreign countries are unspeakable. Things I'll never be able to tell her about. Bouncing from brothel to brothel. Whore house after the next. Popping off-brand viagra, strollin' the down the streets with raging boners (my friends partook as well), drinking brew at 7 in the morning, too drunk to comprehend which whore house I hadn't been to yet. My past is bad. A lot of wild ****. Has anyone on here ever experienced issues like this within their marriage? If so, how did you deal with them? Did you seek guidance? Did time heal everything on it's own? Or did your relationship end? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mongostomp Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Also, I'm considering cutting all ties to these people, so that I'm not reminded of it all. I haven't spoke to most of them in months, some years. Would that be too extreme? To cut all ties to people you once considered a friend? Anyone else do this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I understand how you might feel, but it is such a double-standard to worry about your wife who's had less than 10 partners before she met you, while you've bounced from whorehouse to whorehouse and done heaven knows what. If anything, she's the one who should be freaked out, if she only knew. Let the past stay in the past. You guys have a great marriage and great love life. Why torture yourself with such thoughts? Let it go, and know that you are a lucky man for having her! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mongostomp Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I understand how you might feel, but it is such a double-standard to worry about your wife who's had less than 10 partners before she met you, while you've bounced from whorehouse to whorehouse and done heaven knows what. If anything, she's the one who should be freaked out, if she only knew. Let the past stay in the past. You guys have a great marriage and great love life. Why torture yourself with such thoughts? Let it go, and know that you are a lucky man for having her! I agree. I'd love to. I can't help the way my mind wanders. I don't want to think about it lol. I'm just looking for advice on how other people, going through similar situations dealt with it, mentally? Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Mongostomp, I think its a very good thing that you are questioning your reactions and searching for a solution to your ?intrusive thoughts that may very well become destructive. It seems like you are dealing with a spiritual struggle around things you have done that you don't feel at peace about and somehow it is disrupting a secure intimacy with your wife. I also do think you should cut ties with prior people who are triggers b/c your marriage is your primary relationship right now. I also think she should respect that and cut ties with priors who may be a trigger for you. Its not always about me me me. Often its more about what will support us us us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Mongostomp, It seems like you are dealing with a spiritual struggle around things you have done that you don't feel at peace about and somehow it is disrupting a secure intimacy with your wife. I think I see what you're saying. Kind of like male cheaters who suddenly become paranoid that their wives are cheating, when they aren't. OP has a good thing going. It serves no useful purpose to dig up the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I think I see what you're saying. Kind of like male cheaters who suddenly become paranoid that their wives are cheating, when they aren't. OP has a good thing going. It serves no useful purpose to dig up the past. I agree, and I think he sees that too, but can't stop the thoughts. So to me, that says its much deeper than "ok- just stop doing this, just stop thinking this." He acknowledges his past and I believe that he struggles with his choices to do whatever he did, and that gets wrapped up into the close emotional ties with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mongostomp Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Mongostomp, I think its a very good thing that you are questioning your reactions and searching for a solution to your ?intrusive thoughts that may very well become destructive. It seems like you are dealing with a spiritual struggle around things you have done that you don't feel at peace about and somehow it is disrupting a secure intimacy with your wife. I also do think you should cut ties with prior people who are triggers b/c your marriage is your primary relationship right now. I also think she should respect that and cut ties with priors who may be a trigger for you. Its not always about me me me. Often its more about what will support us us us. I have no ties to prior sex partners. I understand that could bring troubling thoughts to my wife, and I don't want her to worry or think we still might have something or may have something again. Thank you for your advice. I don't know if I'm dealing with this because of the things that I have done. I believe more so that I'm dealing with this because I can't look at these people anymore without thinking about them ****ing my wife. I know they weren't like "mongo is going to be so pissed in like 5 years" lol. But still, it is putting some patches on my marriage. I will likely remove these people from my clicks and whatnot. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 How did you deal with knowing she had slept with your friends when you were deciding to marry her? I'm sure you considered her past before proposing. What did you say to yourself then that helped you to go ahead with the marriage? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I have no ties to prior sex partners. I understand that could bring troubling thoughts to my wife, and I don't want her to worry or think we still might have something or may have something again. Thank you for your advice. I don't know if I'm dealing with this because of the things that I have done. I believe more so that I'm dealing with this because I can't look at these people anymore without thinking about them ****ing my wife. I know they weren't like "mongo is going to be so pissed in like 5 years" lol. But still, it is putting some patches on my marriage. I will likely remove these people from my clicks and whatnot. That seems perfectly reasonable to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mongostomp Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 How did you deal with knowing she had slept with your friends when you were deciding to marry her? I'm sure you considered her past before proposing. What did you say to yourself then that helped you to go ahead with the marriage? Honestly, I never thought about it. I even talked to a couple of the dudes she had slept with just days before we married. It didn't really bother me. Maybe it's worth mentioning that we are currently in different states. I'm active duty military, stationed in California. She went home for the funeral back in May, and has since decided to stay until I go back next week, then we're flying back together. I don't know if that has anything to do with it, I suppose it's possible. Hopefully when she gets back, things go back to normal - or they just get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I have no ties to prior sex partners. I understand that could bring troubling thoughts to my wife, and I don't want her to worry or think we still might have something or may have something again. Thank you for your advice. I don't know if I'm dealing with this because of the things that I have done. I believe more so that I'm dealing with this because I can't look at these people anymore without thinking about them ****ing my wife. I know they weren't like "mongo is going to be so pissed in like 5 years" lol. But still, it is putting some patches on my marriage. I will likely remove these people from my clicks and whatnot. I applaud you for your proactive stance in protecting your marriage! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I think being apart for 3 of your first 12 months is the gremlin in the machine. The time apart along with her being at home base where all her former lovers are is playing into your insecurities. I think it maybe very important to have her back before the fall. I also think its highly disrespectful for a married woman to post FB pictures of her kissing another man no matter the situation. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I also think its highly disrespectful for a married woman to post FB pictures of her kissing another man no matter the situation. True - that was definitely inappropriate. On active military duty, Mongo? Awesome. Thank you for your service! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 (edited) Deleted my comment as I just read the subject line and them being married for one year, need to read whole opening post before replying and not jump the gun. Edited July 6, 2015 by whichwayisup Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Question - is a suck-it-up gutcheck beyond you? That's what it'll take. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 "how could you have done this to me, even though you didn't know me at the time". Bolded just so you could see how ludicrous this sounds. I'd guess this is really about something more than your wife's former partner's, maybe even some misplaced guilt on your part for somethings you've done. A skilled counselor could help you peel the layers back and sort this out. Good luck, keep posting... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 If you have the ability to cut those people from her past out of your life then do so. I maintain that any connection to a person with whom either of you has been intimate is disrespectful and harmful to any relationship. Tell her what you want and why so she is aware of a boundary being set and then move on. Good luck, Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'd guess this is really about something more than your wife's former partner's, maybe even some misplaced guilt on your part for somethings you've done. A skilled counselor could help you peel the layers back and sort this out. Good luck, keep posting... Mr. Lucky ^^^ this^^^ I think you may be right on the money there. Mr Grumpy wakes up in the morning and notices a bad smell in the house. He goes to work and says "Whats wrong with these office rooms? They stink!" He goes to a Diner for lunch and again there's that rancid smell. "It smells here!" he says. Everywhere he goes it smelly. What he cant see is that there is a piece of dung on his nose. That's how projection works. One does not see the problem in/at/on oneself but projects it out onto the world. Psychological Projection, page 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tobrieornottobrie Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Would you be open to the idea of a counselor or therapist? I think it would be really helpful as you're figuring out how to handle this situation. Have you talked to your wife about how you're feeling about all of this? Some marital counseling may be useful in this situation, as well. Wishing you the best. the brie's cheese knees Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 (edited) It all really started when her ex passed away and she asked me if she could attend the funeral, to which, I told her was fine and it was, I seen no harm in it. Then she asked, if she could post pictures of her and him and our daughter, to which, I lied and said I wouldn't be mad. How can I tell someone that just lost a piece of their life, they can't upload a photo or two of them? He's dead. Why does it matter? These are the things I told myself. Alas, when the photos were uploaded and I seen them, I was enraged beyond imagining. Absolutely the maddest I've ever been in my entire life. Namely because of the first photo, which was her and him locked, hand in hand, sucking each other's face. It is one thing to post photos of her ex after he died, but posting a picture of her with her ex "hand in hand, sucking each other's face" was way out of line. You have a right to be angry. She was very insensitive to have done this. As for being friends with past lovers, it is common for people to have marital boundaries that exclude past lovers. She has done nothing wrong here so do not direct anger at her if you decide to exclude these people from your life. Edited July 6, 2015 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Welcome to hell. The elevator only goes down from here. If you want to see the absolute s***storm I've been going through you can have a read through the threads I've posted over the past few months. I offer you my sympathies, but really, you might want to think about if you can really handle the truth. It's always 10 times worse than you imagined. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Welcome to hell. The elevator only goes down from here. If you want to see the absolute s***storm I've been going through you can have a read through the threads I've posted over the past few months. I offer you my sympathies, but really, you might want to think about if you can really handle the truth. It's always 10 times worse than you imagined. He's married,,and it's totally different. He also sounds mature and like he wants to handle this maturely. Stop projecting. OP, I agree with cutting ties with these past people. Don't choose to obsess and fixate. Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Urban Dictionary: rule of three rule of three... the struggle is real Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Urban Dictionary: rule of three rule of three... the struggle is real First, I don't know anyone intelligent who boost their argument with Urban Dictionary. Second, how supremely insulting. Third, get counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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