Morro72 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 One of my wife's few hobbies is cooking and she's always been pretty good at it. I've always made sure to keep the compliments flowing freely, both to add to her enjoyment and out of enlightened self-interest (i.e. above all I want her to be happy but I also love eating the stuff she produces and want her to keep doing it). A few days ago, as she was putting together yet another of her experiments I mentioned that one of my grad-school friends also thought she was a pretty good cook. Her face lit up in a way that made it look like this passed-along compliment from decades ago made her a lot happier than anything I've ever said has done. This reaction made me wonder whether spouses apply a heavy discount to compliments from the people they're married to. If so, why? Is it a matter of "You have to say that, you're married to me" or "You say that all the time so it doesn't mean as much" or something else? Is there a better approach to doling out compliments to your spouse which keeps them fresh and effective, or is this just a lost cause? Link to post Share on other sites
Brigit_1 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 One of my wife's few hobbies is cooking and she's always been pretty good at it. I've always made sure to keep the compliments flowing freely, both to add to her enjoyment and out of enlightened self-interest (i.e. above all I want her to be happy but I also love eating the stuff she produces and want her to keep doing it). A few days ago, as she was putting together yet another of her experiments I mentioned that one of my grad-school friends also thought she was a pretty good cook. Her face lit up in a way that made it look like this passed-along compliment from decades ago made her a lot happier than anything I've ever said has done. This reaction made me wonder whether spouses apply a heavy discount to compliments from the people they're married to. If so, why? Is it a matter of "You have to say that, you're married to me" or "You say that all the time so it doesn't mean as much" or something else? Is there a better approach to doling out compliments to your spouse which keeps them fresh and effective, or is this just a lost cause? I guess it's sort of like your mom giving you a compliment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I guess it's sort of like your mom giving you a compliment. LMAO Popsicle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I guess it's sort of like your mom giving you a compliment. Exactly what I was going to say. Doesn't mean compliments from your spouse (or parent) are any less important, they're probably more important than those from someone else. You want/need to know that your partner and parents think highly of you and your abilities and whatnot. But hearing it from someone who doesn't have a vested interest in making you feel good, like a partner or parent, validates you in a different way... you actually believe the compliment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I prefer a healthy mix of constructive criticism with the compliments. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and when my spouse raves about something that has obvious flaws to me, I get the feeling that the compliment is cheap and in-genuine. I'm critical. If I'm giving a raving compliment, it's authentic and well-deserved. I really don't appreciate compliments made with a self-serving intent. I tend to consider a lot of outside compliments polite flattery and while I appreciate the comments, I don't put too much stock in them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Morro72 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I prefer a healthy mix of constructive criticism with the compliments. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and when my spouse raves about something that has obvious flaws to me, I get the feeling that the compliment is cheap and in-genuine. I'm critical. If I'm giving a raving compliment, it's authentic and well-deserved. I really don't appreciate compliments made with a self-serving intent. I tend to consider a lot of outside compliments polite flattery and while I appreciate the comments, I don't put too much stock in them. Good points. In my situation, my wife approaches cooking the way she does most other things - lots of experimentation, requests for constructive criticism, plenty of adjustments on the way to the final result, then on to the next experiment. While she's going through the process she asks for and receives a lot of feedback, and lots of constructive criticism. At the end she's happy and she knows I'm happy. Then it's on to the next project. But it still seems to be hard to avoid triggering the "He has to say that, he's my husband" voice inside her head. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 My husband's compliments feel most impactful to me when I hear him talking me up to others, especially when he doesn't necessarily know I will hear about it. For instance, if I overhear him on the phone or at a party, or when a friend comes back to me and tells me what he said. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Morro72 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 My husband's compliments feel most impactful to me when I hear him talking me up to others, especially when he doesn't necessarily know I will hear about it. For instance, if I overhear him on the phone or at a party, or when a friend comes back to me and tells me what he said. Very useful insight. Turns "he has to tell me that" into "he has to tell me that but he doesn't have to go around telling others so he must really mean it." Thanks! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 some folks are more apt to believe a critical remark then a genuine compliment. I accept both with the same value. consider the source, their intent and the tone of conveyance. OP, what a gracious spouse you have! Leave it at that. Slice off the doubtfull part, most folks can handle a rose being a rose. My guy friend limits his compliments to genuine time and events. He seems to be like EF Hutton, when he speaks.. folks listen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Just make sure it's authentic Link to post Share on other sites
Whatitistoburn Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 My husband can't fake it when it comes to food and probably everything else. If he doesn't like it, he won't eat it and he will tell me what's wrong with it. If he doesn't like the things I bought him, he won't use them. But he compliments my cooking and loves it 95% of the time so I'm okay with that! The same goes for the stuff I buy him. Yes, I agree. It does feel good hearing it from others who don't have any reason to lie to you and it also feels good to hear my husband praise what I do behind my back. I'm a housewife and I take pride in everything I do at home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Morro72 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 Just make sure it's authentic It had better be authentic. If the stuff is lousy and I say it's great I can guarantee you I'll be eating it every week for the rest of my life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 LOL! I do like to hear, "Why haven't you made..." or "Will you make..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I'd say I value compliments from my husband just as much as from anyone else. My H is not fussy when it comes to food, but when I cook something that he really likes, he really shows his appreciation. I wouldn't like it if everyone else complimented my cooking and my husband never did. I have a friend in that situation and she's a fantastic cook. I told her that because she always cooks so well, that he expects it and takes her for granted it that area. Her H says if he compliments every great meal, she'll get big headed. I agree with the poster who mentioned compliments from my H that others tell me about, although once or twice he's never given me the compliment directly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Morro72 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I wouldn't like it if everyone else complimented my cooking and my husband never did. I have a friend in that situation and she's a fantastic cook. I told her that because she always cooks so well, that he expects it and takes her for granted it that area. Her H says if he compliments every great meal, she'll get big headed. If I knew of anyone who took that approach I would suggest that if he kept it up his wife might wind up cooking an occasional meal for someone else, so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I prefer a healthy mix of constructive criticism with the compliments. I take a different approach, perhaps because my spouse can be sensitive. I either complement or say something neutral or worst case, nothing. Using the cooking example, if she made a meal I didn't care for, I'd say "I'm glad you made dinner". She's already hard on herself, I try not to add to the pile... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Morro72 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 I take a different approach, perhaps because my spouse can be sensitive. I either complement or say something neutral or worst case, nothing. Using the cooking example, if she made a meal I didn't care for, I'd say "I'm glad you made dinner". She's already hard on herself, I try not to add to the pile... Mr. Lucky I've had a bit of a struggle with that. My wife tends to be pretty hard on herself but when she cooks her goal really is to do something spectacular and she has a pretty good detector for any sort of pulled punches. Also I tend to do most of the routine cooking so if she's in the kitchen it's to do something special. It took a while to learn to calibrate the criticism so that I gave her the information she needed about what to improve, without discouraging her entirely. What I came up with is to only offer critiques which were specific enough that she knew what to do with them - "more peppers" as opposed to "it just seems like something's missing" - bad fake example but you get the idea. And by "a while" I mean "a couple of decades." Being married really is a process and you're really never done with it. (And just when you think you are, they go and change on you.) Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Using food is a pretty good example, because I should definitely keep my mouth shut more than I do. While I want every piece of negative feedback I can get so I can raise my game the next time, I'm not so sure my husband appreciates it. For example... Tonight, he made the effort and stopped at the grocery store for chicken. I'm sitting in the midst of a bounty of home-grown herbs and spices and he picked up one of their commercially pre-seasoned birds. I'm offended even before he gets it on the grill. And, oh, did I let him have it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Morro72 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Share Posted July 5, 2015 These days I'd be fortunate to survive that unless I had a good apology ready or possibly prior approval. Back when things were busier we both did that sort of thing. Between then and now there was a transitional period with a lot of missteps. Leftovers tonight. Another of her experiments - chicken provencal. Yumm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 I take a different approach, perhaps because my spouse can be sensitive. I either complement or say something neutral or worst case, nothing. Using the cooking example, if she made a meal I didn't care for, I'd say "I'm glad you made dinner". She's already hard on herself, I try not to add to the pile... Mr. Lucky I apologize that this is slightly off topic, but Mr. Lucky, this made me smile. My ex always had 20 "helpful comments (aka criticisms)" of me to every one compliment, and he never seemed to understand why I was so afraid of getting input from him about anything. I'm glad you take your wife's sensitive nature into account. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Morro72 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I apologize that this is slightly off topic, but Mr. Lucky, this made me smile. I don't know about everybody else, but I think this is exactly on topic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'm glad you take your wife's sensitive nature into account. She grew up with a critical and demanding father and a Mom who was scared to death of her husband and I think she's never quite come to terms with all that brings. She's as nurturing as can be to our kids and and I'm slightly protective of her. Helps that I think many of the things she does are wonderful .... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 My ex always had 20 "helpful comments (aka criticisms)" of me to every one compliment, and he never seemed to understand why I was so afraid of getting input from him about anything. IMHO, no greater buzzkill in a relationship. Probably a dealbreaker for me, sounds like it might have been for you also... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 IMHO, no greater buzzkill in a relationship. Probably a dealbreaker for me, sounds like it might have been for you also... Mr. Lucky It hurt, but then again, HE was raised in a "if you don't hear different, assume you're fine. If there's a problem, that's when I'll say something" environment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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