OldRover Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 All, Perhaps this is a minor point, but how many of you hate when your SO prefers the TV over quality time with you? I'm in that boat. I just HATE TV, and wouldn't own one if I lived alone, however, don't mind a few movies or so. The normal broadcast crap is just that and add in the advertisements and becomes just unbearable. My SO has the TV on about 8 to 10 hours a day... fortunately it's in the background when she's doing something else. But it's on during dinner (usually), and then after dinner, which is quality time for us... doing whatever instead of TV. And often, she'll continue to watch it after I've gone to bed and I'll end up getting up at midnight and dragging her to bed... Hate that. During the day, she watches all kinds of crap, judge shows, reruns, etc... I couldn't spend one minute watching this crap, so in the afternoon, I go out for my exercise... bike or whatever for a few hours. Occasionally, she'll come with and we always have a great time. I have been getting a few movies to make it more tolerable. And I'm going to get the recorder to prerecord stuff and eliminate adds... TiVo? And I'm going to get her Netflix so we have more choices without ads. Hope that helps. But just can't stand it more than 2 or 3 days a week.... so many better things to do. Yesterday was an example. I talked her into turning it off after dinner. We sat and just talked in the quiet... was absolutely great... then took a nice quiet walk down the street and talked. Coming home, we did the jacuzzi for a bit, dried off, got to bed early and had a great time in bed without the damn TV. She loved it, as I did. Any ideas on convincing one to turn the damn TV off more often? If it were my choice, I'd PAY to not have TV. Now, this is NOT a deal breaker, but something that will need a solution. My last relationship was just as bad.... maybe it's me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Just want to say i think the same, its a waste of time tv, secondhand life, rather live ones own life:cool: but i dont know how to make her see it too, but i think what you are doing is the right path, but if it grows more frustrating to you, you may take more serious actions to wake her up, if she wants to (doing things that Will make her a little jealous so she will have to shot of the television and see what you are doing;)) but tell her very honestly what you think about it her having the television on so much, or ask her if she finds it more interesting than you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Just want to say i think the same, its a waste of time tv, secondhand life, rather live ones own life:cool: but i dont know how to make her see it too, but i think what you are doing is the right path, but if it grows more frustrating to you, you may take more serious actions to wake her up, if she wants to (doing things that Will make her a little jealous so she will have to shot of the television and see what you are doing;)) but tell her very honestly what you think about it her having the television on so much, or ask her if she finds it more interesting than you? Noideanow, Thx for the reply. Yes, we've talked about it a lot. About being more interesting than me, the comment she makes is we can't be together all the time or I need time to relax. My answer, is that she has the whole day to relax whenever she wants.... unless, of course we have plans. I feel our best time for "quality" is in the mornings and the evenings. They are the most romantic time. Mornings are great because we're fresh, and it's easy to give attention to the other, and that has worked very well. Evenings are also special... that's the time people tend to relax after the days activities, have dinner and spend time with their SO. And that's what a lot of us want to do, including me. My plan for now is to try to convince her into at least 2 or 3 nights a week when the TV just doesn't come on.... period. I can find plenty of things to entertain her that are relaxing. When we do turn on the TV, it will be for a movie, or something recorded (no ads) that we both like. She can have the bulk of the daytime to catch up on her shows that I don't care for. Your thoughts are very good, thx. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 pour water on it. disconnect the cable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Noideanow, Thx for the reply. Yes, we've talked about it a lot. About being more interesting than me, the comment she makes is we can't be together all the time or I need time to relax. My answer, is that she has the whole day to relax whenever she wants.... unless, of course we have plans. I feel our best time for "quality" is in the mornings and the evenings. They are the most romantic time. Mornings are great because we're fresh, and it's easy to give attention to the other, and that has worked very well. Evenings are also special... that's the time people tend to relax after the days activities, have dinner and spend time with their SO. And that's what a lot of us want to do, including me. My plan for now is to try to convince her into at least 2 or 3 nights a week when the TV just doesn't come on.... period. I can find plenty of things to entertain her that are relaxing. When we do turn on the TV, it will be for a movie, or something recorded (no ads) that we both like. She can have the bulk of the daytime to catch up on her shows that I don't care for. Your thoughts are very good, thx. Stay as you are:cool: hope she will begin to appreciate more of the things you do:) wish you a lot of love;) Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 8-10 hours a day???? That is really excessive, IMO, even if she's 'doing other things' half the time. Have you considered that perhaps she might be addicted and need professional help? I agree with your 'no TV for 2-3 nights/week' compromise, especially if you are willing to plan activities to do together that don't include TV. Personally, the SO and I haven't watched TV at all the entire time we've lived together - our last apartment had one but we couldn't be arsed to pay the subscription and didn't turn it on once. We do watch stuff on the computer sometimes though, as one of the planned activities that we do together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Kids involved? Doesn't sound like it? Is she spoiled? Does she do anything other than housework? I don't mean to minimize housework as its both necessary and mundane but maybe she has nothing else to stimulate her so TV is it. You feel differently about TV but you have a job, you have something that actually requires your attention and efforts. Doesn't sound like the same for her. It sounds selfish on her behalf not to make an effort for you during those times you mentioned but it could be a mix of both being selfish and becoming lazy in response to her lifestyle and having only minimal demands or responsibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 Kids involved? Doesn't sound like it? Is she spoiled? Does she do anything other than housework? I don't mean to minimize housework as its both necessary and mundane but maybe she has nothing else to stimulate her so TV is it. You feel differently about TV but you have a job, you have something that actually requires your attention and efforts. Doesn't sound like the same for her. It sounds selfish on her behalf not to make an effort for you during those times you mentioned but it could be a mix of both being selfish and becoming lazy in response to her lifestyle and having only minimal demands or responsibilities. No kids, out of the house. Neither work, retired early.... she WAY early, but still active with investments and stuff. She does some volunteer work and is not lazy at all.... I'm probably worse. We both share the housework, but she does the bulk of cooking and I do the bulk of cleaning up the kitchen. I just like quality time with her, and the does not include the TV. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 If you find out the answer, let me know - it's a challenge for my marriage also. I have nothing against TV/video and in fact built a dedicated theater in our house which we use to great enjoyment 2-3 nights a week watching movies with the kids. But my wife - also retired - watches TV 8 hours a day or more. We get along well but lead pretty separate lives since I enjoy tennis, biking and going out to bookstores, music clubs, etc. So I just go do my thing with friends, she does hers. We do spend time together but not as much as I'd like, guess you can't have everything. We have a good life together, just wish for more closeness from her as we head into retirement... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Ugh,,, this just shows how TV, internet, facebook, video games really destroy the intimacy of relationships. OP, my bf is a gamer, I feel your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 (edited) My H is a bit of a TV addict. He watches a whole range of shows and keeps up with every one of them. I wouldn't say I would prefer not to have a TV, because there are shows I really like myself. My H does this strange thing. If I want to talk to him while he's watching something , he pauses the TV/sky box and gives me his undivided attention. Like a typical guy, he isn't great at multi tasking at all . He has to focus on what he's doing. His love of TV and believe me he watches so much ,doesn't affect our relationship. He works very hard and full time, so he's never neglecting anything to watch TV. If we've somewhere to go, he'll watch the show later and if I suggest a bit of loving, that TV is off in a heartbeat. ETA He doesn't let the TV control him and it has to fit around everything else, even if it means him staying up till the small hours to catch up on his shows Edited July 3, 2015 by sandylee1 eta Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 its remarkable how fragile those TVs and settop boxes are. They can go on the fritz almost any time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 If you find out the answer, let me know - it's a challenge for my marriage also. I have nothing against TV/video and in fact built a dedicated theater in our house which we use to great enjoyment 2-3 nights a week watching movies with the kids. But my wife - also retired - watches TV 8 hours a day or more. We get along well but lead pretty separate lives since I enjoy tennis, biking and going out to bookstores, music clubs, etc. So I just go do my thing with friends, she does hers. We do spend time together but not as much as I'd like, guess you can't have everything. We have a good life together, just wish for more closeness from her as we head into retirement... Mr. Lucky Mr Lucky, I'm sure looking for an answer, and have a few ideas I've posted above. But to see the TV almost take over people and replace their relationship, drives me nuts. It should be a supplement to a relationship, to add something to enjoy together, not separately. Living the separate life things would not work for me.... While I certainly understand that each will have and need some freedoms away from the other, it should be the minority of importance, and the minority of time. Seems like the more people live separate lives, the more likely they will replace their SO with something else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 My H is a bit of a TV addict. He watches a whole range of shows and keeps up with every one of them. I wouldn't say I would prefer not to have a TV, because there are shows I really like myself. My H does this strange thing. If I want to talk to him while he's watching something , he pauses the TV/sky box and gives me his undivided attention. Like a typical guy, he isn't great at multi tasking at all . He has to focus on what he's doing. His love of TV and believe me he watches so much ,doesn't affect our relationship. He works very hard and full time, so he's never neglecting anything to watch TV. If we've somewhere to go, he'll watch the show later and if I suggest a bit of loving, that TV is off in a heartbeat.�� ETA He doesn't let the TV control him and it has to fit around everything else, even if it means him staying up till the small hours to catch up on his shows Sandylee, Sounds like you have a good relationship and the TV is not much of an issue. I love the fact that if you suggest some loving, the TV goes off. I would love to be in that position. I'll often get the loving, but after the show, and sometime just too late. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleve82 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Noideanow, Thx for the reply. Yes, we've talked about it a lot. About being more interesting than me, the comment she makes is we can't be together all the time or I need time to relax. My answer, is that she has the whole day to relax whenever she wants.... unless, of course we have plans. I feel our best time for "quality" is in the mornings and the evenings. They are the most romantic time. Mornings are great because we're fresh, and it's easy to give attention to the other, and that has worked very well. Evenings are also special... that's the time people tend to relax after the days activities, have dinner and spend time with their SO. And that's what a lot of us want to do, including me. My plan for now is to try to convince her into at least 2 or 3 nights a week when the TV just doesn't come on.... period. I can find plenty of things to entertain her that are relaxing. When we do turn on the TV, it will be for a movie, or something recorded (no ads) that we both like. She can have the bulk of the daytime to catch up on her shows that I don't care for. Your thoughts are very good, thx. Shizz. What id do for a bf or husband like you. Lol Your problem sounds like the gender reverse of husbands with their games. One member here just posted about it. XD 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Have you thought about dating her again? I suspect she might be up for getting dressed and enjoying a nice romantic dinner at some restaurant she's mentioned. People who've been married a long time often seem to forget to keep the romance and fun alive. What's it like with your wife? Maybe restart the dynamic you had when you were first dating, if that's sputtering on life support or already dead. Just a thought. The choice to watch TV is a symptom, not the cause of the problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Living the separate life things would not work for me.... While I certainly understand that each will have and need some freedoms away from the other, it should be the minority of importance, and the minority of time. Seems like the more people live separate lives, the more likely they will replace their SO with something else. Don't think we'd ever replace each other, at least not by my doing. She's the best person I've ever known, slow to anger, quick to forgive, generous to a fault. I just wish she was more active, we're very different that way. She likes cocooning at home, I like to be out and about. She likes TV/movies, I like sports and exercise. Our different interests have forced adjustment... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Have you thought about dating her again? I suspect she might be up for getting dressed and enjoying a nice romantic dinner at some restaurant she's mentioned. People who've been married a long time often seem to forget to keep the romance and fun alive. What's it like with your wife? Maybe restart the dynamic you had when you were first dating, if that's sputtering on life support or already dead. Just a thought. The choice to watch TV is a symptom, not the cause of the problem. Angel, First, she is not my wife now, we were married for ~40 years, divorces, and got back together because of some major changes. A lot of life today is like is was man years ago. We do "date"... dinner at least once a week usually romantic, another activity two or three times a week, like a boat ride, walk in the park, lunches, breakfast, etc. I try to work HARD for the romantic things, and quality time together. And with the TV, it kills some of that good stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Would it make you feel better if she checked in with you first to see if there was something you two could do together before she watched TV? And yes a DVR would help if you got an idea/urge to do something in the middle of her watching something on TV. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 My plan for now is to try to convince her into at least 2 or 3 nights a week when the TV just doesn't come on.... period. I can find plenty of things to entertain her that are relaxing. When we do turn on the TV, it will be for a movie, or something recorded (no ads) that we both like. She can have the bulk of the daytime to catch up on her shows that I don't care for. Your thoughts are very good, thx. This is totally fair. No reason why she shouldn't agree to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Would it make you feel better if she checked in with you first to see if there was something you two could do together before she watched TV? And yes a DVR would help if you got an idea/urge to do something in the middle of her watching something on TV. Popsicle, Yes, that would certainly make me feel better, but really don't need that except for "prime time"... evenings when I would like to be with her. Would love it, if she just asked if this would be a good nite for some TV or is there something else that we could do..... The DVR is on the list of things to get.... need to get up to speed on what to get. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 OldRover, I guess that's why you used SO. It sounds as if you do a fair amount already and have a fairly good relationship together. You just want more than the status quo. What are her thoughts on this? I would have a frank discussion about this. On a different note, I'm curious, if you don't mind. You divorced but got back together. You've spent most of your lives together at this point. Would you ever remarry? Why or why not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 OldRover, I guess that's why you used SO. It sounds as if you do a fair amount already and have a fairly good relationship together. You just want more than the status quo. What are her thoughts on this? I would have a frank discussion about this. On a different note, I'm curious, if you don't mind. You divorced but got back together. You've spent most of your lives together at this point. Would you ever remarry? Why or why not? Angel, Yes, we talk about the TV think, and I give her the slack... as I type now she's watching. I made dinner, ate with her in front of the TV, and then retreated to my computer, but see the TV in the background. The TV has been on for the past 5 hours. But today I can live with it. Most of the day, we had very quality time together, a bit of travel back from a wonderful trip, unpacked, cleaned up a bit (I did the jacuzzi), hopped into bed and I gave her a massage for about an hour and a half, and cuddled, etc. for a bit, and a short afternoon nap... Was great. When we got up, I cleaned up and she decided to do some TV after a short veg on the deck with me. So, I went out on the water for some sailing and played hard and wore myself out. Good day. I'm hoping to make the TV think more "user friendly" and get some reasonable limits on it, especially if it would affect a romantic evening otherwise. As for your curiosity, Yes we divorced and got back together. It was a good thing, but it's still pretty new and "tender". However, after being together for so many years it wasn't had to fit back together, but some MAJOR changes have been made to make things MUCH better. We both have a huge goal to make this better than ever, but it will take some effort and I choose to solve little irritating things that we may do to each other that can have some solution... even if we both don't totally agree. As for marriage, if it meant loosing her, I'd remarry. For now we have decided to wait, mainly because of some HUGE financial benefits being single. And we can make the EXACT SAME commitments to each other without the "governments" marriage certificate, which we prefer for now. We both would rather not have government in our lives. (Yes, a couple can have a religious marriage that is just as committing... or a couple can make their own commitments, which we have. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Yesterday was an example. I talked her into turning it off after dinner. We sat and just talked in the quiet... was absolutely great... then took a nice quiet walk down the street and talked. Coming home, we did the jacuzzi for a bit, dried off, got to bed early and had a great time in bed without the damn TV. She loved it, as I did. Any ideas on convincing one to turn the damn TV off more often? YOU HAVE IT. she is just filling time/using as background noise. it appears all you have to do is ASK. start by making the after dinner walk a ritual. but it will only start with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OldRover Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 YOU HAVE IT. she is just filling time/using as background noise. it appears all you have to do is ASK. start by making the after dinner walk a ritual. but it will only start with you. Beat, You're right, but I have asked, many times, and gotten shot down.... sometimes it works, sometimes not. What hurts the most is if I really want something else, where we are just closer..... anything from a walk to a talk to a short ride on our paddle boat. Where our attention is toward each other... not the TV. Getting there..... (I hope) It's already mid morning and the TV has been on for 30 min. But we did share a very nice time with coffee out on the patio... I can live with that. Link to post Share on other sites
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