queenofhearts90 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Hi everyone, I'm new here. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I'm sure you've heard it all before, and I need some help. I have been with my husband for 4 years, married for 2. We don't have kids. I want children, but I refuse to have them because of my husbands behavior. At least twice a week, maybe more, for the last 2~3 months, my husband has been staying out with friends until 5 and 6am. He doesnt go out to bars. He's either drinking at their house, or doing something or other with these people. He always invites me to join him, but I work a lot, and I need to wake up early. I can't stay out until 6am. I've discussed this with my husband, and i told him, its too much. Maybe he could stay out once or twice a month, tell me when he plans on doing so, and call me if its impromptu. He agreed to this arrangement, but he didnt follow through. Instead, he calls around 12 and tells me he will be home in twenty minutes. I go to bed, and when I wake up at 6am, he isnt there. At that point, I call him, a fight ensues and he returns home and apologizes, promising he wont do it again, only to repeat the behavior. I feel like im going insane. On top of all this, I'm work a LOT to pay for everything, because he doesnt have a steady job. I feel like im being used. My question is this. Am I being unreasonable? He doesnt always drink when he goes to friends homes, he just likes staying out late. I feel like im acting more like his mother than his wife. I dont want to give him ultimatiums and curfews, I feel like he should know better, but maybe I'm being unreasonable? I want to make our marriage work, but this is really putting a damper on my happiness. Any thoughts and suggestions (even constructive criticisms) are appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 You are not being unreasonable. Do you know the people he is hanging with? Does he come home sober? Have you been checked for STDs???? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofhearts90 Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Yes, I know who his friends are, but I wouldnt say theyre a great influence on him. Theyve been known to cheat on their wives. Sometimes hes sober, sometimes hes not sober. Its different each time. I've been recently tested for STD's and I was clear. I dont THINK its a cheating thing, but I have to admit, I caught him trying to cheat once before. He went to meet the girl and left his phone at home. When he didnt return after an hour I got worried and was checking his phone to call some of his friends when I found some text messages between him and the ex gf of his best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Why are you still married to this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Why are you still married to this guy? Here is an important question, OP; what does this guy bring to the marriage other than the grief of him living this separate life doing who-knows-what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofhearts90 Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Im asking myself the same question... why am i married to this guy? When we were dating, this didnt happen. If it had, I wouldnt be married to him. There was no late night stuff, no talking to other women etc etc. I honestly dont think hes cheating atm, because he always invites me to join him. I guess im sticking around because I believe its something we could possibly work through. I genuinely believed him when he said he wouldnt do it again, and now here I am with egg on my face. I just wanted to know if my demands are unreasonable, because i don't think hes doing anything bad, except staying out very very late and disregarding my feelings. It seems, from your comments so far, the answer is no, im not being unreasonable? Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofhearts90 Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Sorry Carrie T, Right now, really... nothing. There was a time when he was though. Im still trying to figure out if that was all just a show or what? I'm trying to find some reasons to put the blame on myself, because maybe there is something im not giving him that he needs. Otherwise why would a man who was normal, kind, giving, attentive and stable before become such a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 He knows you are not happy with him doing this yet he continuous to do it. It may be totally innocent guy time but really? What could a bunch of guys do "innocently" until 5 or 6 in the morning? You are not being unreasonable, after all, you are bringing home the bigger portion of the bacon. Link to post Share on other sites
OldLady Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 He invites you to go with him because he KNOWS you won't because of your work schedule. He's using some reverse psychology on you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bunny2.0 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Hi everyone, I'm new here. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I'm sure you've heard it all before, and I need some help. I have been with my husband for 4 years, married for 2. We don't have kids. I want children, but I refuse to have them because of my husbands behavior. At least twice a week, maybe more, for the last 2~3 months, my husband has been staying out with friends until 5 and 6am. He doesnt go out to bars. He's either drinking at their house, or doing something or other with these people. He always invites me to join him, but I work a lot, and I need to wake up early. I can't stay out until 6am. I've discussed this with my husband, and i told him, its too much. Maybe he could stay out once or twice a month, tell me when he plans on doing so, and call me if its impromptu. He agreed to this arrangement, but he didnt follow through. Instead, he calls around 12 and tells me he will be home in twenty minutes. I go to bed, and when I wake up at 6am, he isnt there. At that point, I call him, a fight ensues and he returns home and apologizes, promising he wont do it again, only to repeat the behavior. I feel like im going insane. On top of all this, I'm work a LOT to pay for everything, because he doesnt have a steady job. I feel like im being used. My question is this. Am I being unreasonable? He doesnt always drink when he goes to friends homes, he just likes staying out late. I feel like im acting more like his mother than his wife. I dont want to give him ultimatiums and curfews, I feel like he should know better, but maybe I'm being unreasonable? I want to make our marriage work, but this is really putting a damper on my happiness. Any thoughts and suggestions (even constructive criticisms) are appreciated. It's really not fair that he is behaving like a teenage son and not a partner. You are not being unreasonable.. A guy in a relationship needs to strike a balance between going out with his SO, going out with his friends and staying in. He can look after your home and cook if he works less than you right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofhearts90 Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Maybe he is lying to me. It wouldnt be the first time honestly (the almost cheating) He really does act like a child, its frustrating. I don't know how to get through to him. I've tried talking it out, and I did do something that was childish myself. I got fed up and spent a night out and didnt call. He was very worried and I thought he then understood, but now hes back at it again. I know I shouldnt have do that, but I just got so fed up with his behavior. What other methods of fixing this problem would you suggest. I dont want to just end it, because before we married he was a good guy. This has come about more recently. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 As a Guy, I would question what has changed in his life to bring this about? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I have been with my husband for 4 years, married for 2. We don't have kids. I want children, but I refuse to have them because of my husbands behavior. Yeah. It sounds like you already have your hands full with one spoiled, no-account teenager. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofhearts90 Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Understand 50... before we lived in another city. Now we moved back to his hometown. Do you think this could be the cause of the problem? I'm really glad you commented, because I really want a male perspective on this. And yes, he is the definition of a manchild at this point. Im really trying to find some reason to stay at this point. My parents have been married for 35 years and I only want to be married once. However, im also not willing to stay unhappy for the rest of my life to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Maybe he is lying to me. It wouldnt be the first time honestly (the almost cheating) He really does act like a child, its frustrating. I don't know how to get through to him. I've tried talking it out, and I did do something that was childish myself. I got fed up and spent a night out and didnt call. He was very worried and I thought he then understood, but now hes back at it again. I know I shouldnt have do that, but I just got so fed up with his behavior. What other methods of fixing this problem would you suggest. I dont want to just end it, because before we married he was a good guy. This has come about more recently. You need to open up and talk to him, tell him what you expect of him. He is NOT husband material right now, he's immature, putting himself first, forgetting that when one gets married there's another person to always consider and a lot of times, put first and also compromise. He's selfish and yes, hate to say it, probably has had inappropriate 'friendships' with women that you don't know about. May not have actually had sex, but probably still did something he wasn't supposed to be doing. You two are supposed to be bonding and having fun together, growing and learning more about each other yet he's out there partying it up with his buddies who love to drink and cheat. Lay it out for him, and if he doesn't want to compromise or doesn't want to slow down on the drinking and staying out all night then separate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) Understand 50... before we lived in another city. Now we moved back to his hometown. Do you think this could be the cause of the problem? I'm really glad you commented, because I really want a male perspective on this. And yes, he is the definition of a manchild at this point. Im really trying to find some reason to stay at this point. My parents have been married for 35 years and I only want to be married once. However, im also not willing to stay unhappy for the rest of my life to do so. From a male point of view, this is totally inappropriate. This should NEVER happen, not once, or ever. An occasional guys nite is fine, but home at a more reasonable hour. Also, he needs a steady job.... period. This sounds just like a relationship of a very close relative of mine.... ended in divorce after she just got tired him without a steady job, and partying too much. Edited July 1, 2015 by OldRover Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 In the new town, you were his world, his support system. Now he is back home with his mates and they are all acting like teenagers. If his mates are cheating on their wives, then I would not be surprised if he is up to the same thing. He doesn't respect you, he is treating you like a mug. You go to work and pay for his stuff and he is a free spirit and parties. What's not to like from his point of view? Make sure your contraception is on point, DO NOT get accidentally pregnant, that would be a complete disaster. Give him an ultimatum, he bucks up his behaviour and gets a full time job or you are out of there and mean it. DO NOT buckle, he is using you and he either changes completely or you need to make a new life for yourself. If you want to, get a PI on to it, find out exactly what he is doing, you may need evidence for the divorce or it may indeed help you make up your mind as to your course of action, if you are ever uncertain what to do. Forget what a nice person he WAS, too many women in my view, remember the good times and spend too long waiitng for the good times to come back, they rarely do. Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Nothing good goes on at 3,4,5 in the morning especially when drinking is involved. There is no reasonable excuse why he has to behave like this. Tell him to grow up and realize that he is in a marriage now. Doesn't mean he can't go out every once in a while but this type of behavior is not good for him, for you or this marriage. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Time is ticking on in this marriage while you wait for him to grow up before having kids. He's wasting your time being immature and if he had a steady job he wouldn't do this, so he needs to get a job. Talk to him again. Tell him again how you feel and that you're fed up with his broken promises every time reverting to his old ways. Set a time frame in your mind, and tell him he has one last chance to step up, otherwise you'll take drastic action. If after your set time frame he hasn't improved you can : Seperate or file for divorce. Don't bother with the talk if you are not going to follow through. If there are no consequences for this behaviour , he won't stop. Why would he, because your feelings don't matter enough to him. I have to be honest, he's not sounding like a model husband with the attempt to cheat. What makes you think he hasn't cheated before but never got caught. He's shown you he's capable of it. Remember that as you earn more money , the longer you are married, the more alimony you likely have to pay. He has to show he is worthy of being a husband and a father, otherwise cut him loose. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Does he work or have any kind of job or steady source of reasonable income? Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Time is ticking on in this marriage while you wait for him to grow up before having kids. He's wasting your time being immature and if he had a steady job he wouldn't do this, so he needs to get a job. Talk to him again. Tell him again how you feel and that you're fed up with his broken promises every time reverting to his old ways. Set a time frame in your mind, and tell him he has one last chance to step up, otherwise you'll take drastic action. If after your set time frame he hasn't improved you can : Seperate or file for divorce. Don't bother with the talk if you are not going to follow through. If there are no consequences for this behaviour , he won't stop. Why would he, because your feelings don't matter enough to him. I have to be honest, he's not sounding like a model husband with the attempt to cheat. What makes you think he hasn't cheated before but never got caught. He's shown you he's capable of it. Remember that as you earn more money , the longer you are married, the more alimony you likely have to pay. He has to show he is worthy of being a husband and a father, otherwise cut him loose. There may be NO alimony... and the settlement (if divorced) depends on the state. They differ A LOT!!!! In my state, if you're the bread winner, you get the most, no alimony, but you "may" have child support. All depends on the state. Link to post Share on other sites
avintagegirl Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Not every man makes a good husband. Not every husband makes a good father. If you want to be a mama, you need to look for someone who will make a good papa. It sounds like you are going to have to make some decisions on whether the life you have is the life you want and if not, you should ask yourself how is it you are going to get there. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 You have every right to be angry with him. Does he work? Full time? And is he doing drugs when he's out all night? I've never herd of anyone staying out all night without drug use - or another woman. Either way you need to find out what's so important that he's neglecting the responsibilities he promised you - and the marriage. If he intends to act single then make sure he becomes single. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 You have every right to be angry with him. Does he work? Full time? And is he doing drugs when he's out all night? I've never herd of anyone staying out all night without drug use - or another woman. Either way you need to find out what's so important that he's neglecting the responsibilities he promised you - and the marriage. If he intends to act single then make sure he becomes single. Well, out all night doesn't mean drugs or another woman. I've been out all hours without either... many times. Never drugs. However, I've been a bit more up front with my SO.... and certainly not a few times a week.... more like a few times a year. Link to post Share on other sites
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