..20 yrs marriage, sex life stilll abysmal.

[Praxit]

Been married for 21 yrs now. And I cant even say its been a happy one, unfortunately. Our sex life is what stands out the most. Do we still have sex? yes, maybe once a week. Or whenever she feels she can let go...sigh.

I've always been the active one since day one of marriage. But how I lasted this long ....too long in this relationship. Well, that's a long story. And it stems from my emotional abused childhood. Really complicated. But here I am still trying to make it work.

The wife has always had an issue of just letting go in sex. It's like it has to be the perfect time and place or she feels dirty and needs to shower or the kids might come home...etc. It can never be spontaneous. When we do have sex it like wham,. bam...its done. 15 min tops. It's always in a rush or hurry. This has been happening for 20 yrs... Since our time is limited I will tell her lets try different positions or some foreplay?? Nope, same ole', no time for that, kids coming home, nieghbors might hear..etc.

I remember one time back when we were first married about our 3rd year. I tried to wake her up by doing some oral on her. She woke up frantic...started hitting me... Geeesh..never tried that again.

So now, Im looking for some action outside the picture. yeah, I know I should feel bad...! And in many ways i do. But I feel if I dont, youth will be gone and live with regrets.

.. Am I seeing this wrong??

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes you are.

For goodness' sake do not, do NOT, DO - NOT Cheat!!

 

That's just low, underhand and dishonest.

 

If this has been an ongoing problem, rather than make suggestions about how to have sex, have you considered speaking to her regarding counselling?

She obviously has a problem about having sex and being found out.

 

Why?

Where did this stem from?

Did she ever catch her mom and dad having sex?

Is the thought of her parents having sex a total aversion to her?

Something is making her consider sex to be stealthy, devious and something to be avoided.

 

This is being transmitted to your children.

 

I mean, how open are you to discussing sex with them, and teaching them how bloody amazing it actually can be?

 

Find an alternative to cheating, because cheating is definitely off the cards.

 

Your option, having exhausted every possible avenue, would be to

• Tell her you will look elsewhere, and be open about your needs;
  
• Put up with it and carry on;
  
• Divorce.
  

 

But do not, whatever you do, be the scummy low-life and put your pecker elsewhere.

[Praxit]

Taramaiden, because we have been together for quite a while, I know her to well. If I did mention counseling for marriage sex to her. She would get defensive and fly off the handle. That its my fault or Im trying to sabotage the marriage or that there is nothing wrong with our sex life ..and so forth.

 

As for her childhood experiences. Yes, it was a bad childhood for her. Her mom was a Ho.. found her doing other men on a few occasions while she was a kid. Was also physically abused. So I know that added to her sex problems. I've talked to her about it and understand. So she will try to make change but only come back to her old self again..sigh.

 

I too was abused as a child but still trying feel out my wants and needs, to keep myself balanced. Its tough situation. Back then when we were somewhat younger it was easier. Now that time has passed, I feel that I should have never gotten into this marriage. ...oh, that is a long story.

 

for some reason I've gotten more active with time... so it's even harder.

thanks for input....

[TaraMaiden2]

Taramaiden, because we have been together for quite a while, I know her to well. If I did mention counseling for marriage sex to her. She would get defensive and fly off the handle. That its my fault or Im trying to sabotage the marriage or that there is nothing wrong with our sex life ..and so forth.

Take her out to dinner one night.

Tell her you intend to go to Individual counselling.

Advise her that you should BOTH seek counselling together for the issues surrounding her sexual problems.

And if she refuses, gently tell her you cannot continue like this, and you have even thought about cheating. You love her too muich to do that to her.

Please, would she at least consider some form of counselling for herself? This is killing you, you hate how you feel....

 

As for her childhood experiences. Yes, it was a bad childhood for her. Her mom was a Ho.. found her doing other men on a few occasions while she was a kid. Was also physically abused. So I know that added to her sex problems. I've talked to her about it and understand. So she will try to make change but only come back to her old self again..sigh.

What a surprise, you amaze me, who would have thought....

 

She needs help, not cheating on.

Tht's just about the worst kind of beginning.... isn't it?

 

I too was abused as a child but still trying feel out my wants and needs, to keep myself balanced. Its tough situation. Back then when we were somewhat younger it was easier. Now that time has passed, I feel that I should have never gotten into this marriage. ...oh, that is a long story.

Well you did, you have and you're here.

You can't change the past., but you can work in the present to create a more favourable future....

[autumnnight]

Here is basically the deal, OP:

 

You are a man so it is probably your fault she isn't wanting sex

 

You wanting sex probably makes you a pig

 

You need to be a better husband to earn sex

 

If she still doesn't want it then you need to suck it up because sex isn't important

 

For the record, I do not agree with the above, but I thought I would get that out of the way.

 

I agree that cheating should not be an option.

[BetrayedH]

Take her out to dinner one night.

Tell her you intend to go to Individual counselling.

Advise her that you should BOTH seek counselling together for the issues surrounding her sexual problems.

And if she refuses, gently tell her you cannot continue like this, and you have even thought about cheating. You love her too muich to do that to her.

Please, would she at least consider some form of counselling for herself? This is killing you, you hate how you feel....

 

Taramaiden is a good one to listen to.

 

You could try it this way. Unfortunately, I suspect you're on version 842 of trying to address this the nice way.

 

I think it's time for some straight talk. Tara's suggestion of revealing that cheating is becoming a temptation is one way to get that message across. But I think you say that you're not going there. That it's either that your sex life gets serious effort or you're calling it quits. Find someone that does sex therapy. Schedule an appointment when you know that you can both attend. Give her the choice to either attend with you and make mutual attempts to improve your sex life or you can cancel and make an appointment with a family law attorney. The conversation doesn't need to start this way (start off Tara's way, if you like) but it may need to end this way. You'll find out that either there is hope or that there is no hope.

 

Either way, don't cheat. Seriously. It just drops a nuke on everything and your complaints about once a week sex will be laughed at.

[oldshirt]

Since its been 21 years and she's always been this way, its not very realistic that there is anything you can say or do that is going to transform her into a sexpot.

 

My suggestion is hit the gym like there's no tomorrow, polishing yourself up and updating your wardrobe, hairstyle etc. Start tanning, tooth whitening get contacts/lasic etc and get yourself as fit and good looking as possible and start getting your financials and divorce plan in place.

 

Then once you have youself in a position that some other woman/women would realistically be interested in you and a relationship with a woman is realistic possibility, then give your wife the option of -

 

- seeking intensive therapy for her issues and having a satisfying sex life.

 

- an open marriage where you can get your needs met elsewhere

 

- divorce.

 

 

The better in shape and better looking you are and the more squared away you are will give you the best chance of her being attracted to you sexually and the best chance of her seeking therapy. And you'll have to do all that anyway to get anyone else if you do divorce so getting yourself polished up to go back on the market would have to be your first step anyway.

 

In regards to cheating, I agree with the others. It will only hurt you in the end and make everything that much messier.

 

You've lived with this for 21 years and I assume your kids aren't little any more so no reason to be sneaky and underhanded about this. You might as well make it a full frontal assault. She knows you have been chronically frustrated and dissatisfied for two decades so it's not like she hasn't been expecting this day to come. No reason not to just be open and upfront and lay it all out on the table.

 

She has a choice of either working with you in getting on the same sheet of music sexually. Allowing an open marriage (which won't work long term anyway)

Or cutting both of your losses and moving on.

Be upfront and let her choose. Then you'll be able to sleep at night and no-one will be able to point fingers.

[Popsicle]

I remember one time back when we were first married about our 3rd year. I tried to wake her up by doing some oral on her. She woke up frantic...started hitting me... Geeesh..never tried that again.

 

LOL I'm sorry but this is such a funny image.

 

(sorry, I have nothing to add)

[aloneinaz]

I think your wife is being selfish to not take all the hints about your sexual frustrations with her to heart. As you stated, you married her with these same issues that were present during dating I'm sure. I hate when guys/gals in a marriage basically say "sorry, you're going to have to deal with it".. Um, yea.. BS! It's like either sex ballooning in weight while the other stays fit and expect their partner to be ok with it. Really?

 

 

I'd also advise you not to cheat. I bet the sex isn't the only issue you have w/her after 21 years. You'd be better off to have a come to Jesus meeting w/her and if she'd not moved, move out of the house and file for divorce. I kind of like old shirts advice too.

 

 

Life's FAR to short to stay in a marriage where you're un-happy and your partner refuses to not only address the subject but to get some help.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't know why you chose to be with this woman for 21 years, but that was your choice.

 

Personally, if I was very dissatisfied with my relationship/marriage I wouldn't be there a day longer than I'd have to be if the other person was truly unwilling and uninterested in working through anything or validating/understanding my needs...if it was like talking to a wall and met with complete dismissal or lack of concern then I'd like the dust from my boots as I walk away speak for itself.

 

I'm not going to sit there and argue and "fight" with a person for 20 years, or 10 years, or even 5 years. I know kids change things, but my god, is it REALLY that necessary in life where people expect this kind of commitment and dedication? because at least for now, we definitely don't see eye-to-eye on that.

 

Contrary to many a married people beliefs, I do believe that individuals deserve to be happy...I don't see life as just something to throw away or sacrifice for, sure maybe if we were cave men and fighting for survival we'd do what we had to do but if we don't HAVE to do it for the sake of life or death I don't see how people can be so sacrificial and martyr like in their marriages "All for the children! we sacrifice ourselves to unhappiness!"...I mean is that what makes sense to people? is that how life is supposed to be that so many people choose "family" over happiness?

 

I've been with plenty of caring and invested women in my relationships, women that didn't send me down the river without a care or concern for my well-being, and if they changed into this attitude of not caring (which is what frightens me about marriage) i wouldn't stand for it...marriage or not, there's no "boxing-in" me, I'll jump off a bridge into icy water if I have to, there's no way I'm being cornered like a rat...with children and the roadblock of marriage blocking my escape route.

 

If it's just your sex life, and you have been married to this woman for so long, then I'd go to counseling with her...I'd draw the line man, do or die type of situation. But you also tolerated this from the beginning, and some women are more sexual and open/adventurous than others, and you can usually tell within the first few years of a relationship of how that's going to go to some degree...I mean chances she's not going to do a 180, but this woman really never did surprise you, she was just always this way...so you justifying cheating because of her "behavior", in which you've tolerated from the beginning, definitely seems like a low-blow.

 

If she was different in the beginning, and was always one way...and then just suddenly cut you off when you got married or flipped the situation on you and became someone else, than I could more understand your point.

 

As far as cheating for me personally, no I don't think it's the worst thing in the world...however, you're still having sex once a week which is a lot better than many other married guys and 15 mins is also high for them. I think at this point in your situation you're much better off getting a divorce.

 

And this whole "But I feel if I dont, youth will be gone and live with regrets."...I don't know, maybe you married at 10 years old, but I mean chances are you're in your 40's or damn close to it..so i hate to tell you but that ship already sailed man, you kind of missed the boat on that one...you should've have thought about that many years ago. Not that you can't be and feel young and still have this fulfilling life, but hanging out at the clubs till 4 am, with a bunch of hot 20 somethings or what not, having sex with different beautiful women every weekend...is a lot more of a fantasy than a reality at this point.

 

You haven't been single for 21 years...you're going to be a horrible single guy, you're going to be desperate and give off old-man creepy vibes, you're going to bring the cheese in so many ways that I honestly don't have much hope for that, and let's not talk about style and the kind of shape you are in, I hope you are rocking your hair still and know how to dress somewhat well. However with that being said, you can find a woman that would fulfill you sexually, but she's probably going to be after a relationship fairly soon as well, which you may or may not mind.

 

But It's different than having that girl at the gas station that you think wanted your body, and only if you were single you could have pounded the night away, it's going to be a bit more difficult than that once the reality hits and you're actually single, for most guys that's more of a ghost town feeling than surrounded by girls-gone-wild.

[sandylee1]

LOL I'm sorry but this is such a funny image.

 

(sorry, I have nothing to add)

 

I thought exactly the same Popsicle.

 

A lot of women would love it though. Just a shame your wife isn't one of them.

[oldshirt]

Some people are just duds in bed and some people are sexually incompatible with each other.

 

Since you are still having sex about weekly after 21 that means you aren't in sexless marriage or that she isn't sexually receptive to you. It just means you don't dig it and that she isn't meeting your standards.

 

This is a different animal than a couple where one partner is refusing and rejecting other.

 

Would it be possible for the two of you to change your fundamental sexual dynamics and have her transform into porn star that spins you around in the air and does backflips off the chandeliers?? Possibly, but it will take lots of dedication and work and sexual therapy from a good professional over a period of years and by then you'd have to ask yourself it it would even be worth it.

 

She is who and what she is. You haven't said if she is happy with your sex life or not. She may be perfectly happy with the status quo and has no motive to work on it or to undergo therapy or anything.

 

If she herself is not interested in changing her sexual dynamics, since you are the disgruntled party, it's kind of up to you whether you want to rock the boat or not.

 

At this point it's all about what kind of pain and uncertainty are you willing to put up with. People take action when the pain and misery of the status quo outweighs their discomfort with the uncertainty and hardship of moving on and doing something different.

[oldshirt]

 

And this whole "But I feel if I dont, youth will be gone and live with regrets."...I don't know, maybe you married at 10 years old, but I mean chances are you're in your 40's or damn close to it..so i hate to tell you but that ship already sailed man, you kind of missed the boat on that one...you should've have thought about that many years ago. Not that you can't be and feel young and still have this fulfilling life, but hanging out at the clubs till 4 am, with a bunch of hot 20 somethings or what not, having sex with different beautiful women every weekend...is a lot more of a fantasy than a reality at this point.

 

You haven't been single for 21 years...you're going to be a horrible single guy, you're going to be desperate and give off old-man creepy vibes, you're going to bring the cheese in so many ways that I honestly don't have much hope for that, and let's not talk about style and the kind of shape you are in, I hope you are rocking your hair still and know how to dress somewhat well. However with that being said, you can find a woman that would fulfill you sexually, but she's probably going to be after a relationship fairly soon as well, which you may or may not mind.

 

But It's different than having that girl at the gas station that you think wanted your body, and only if you were single you could have pounded the night away, it's going to be a bit more difficult than that once the reality hits and you're actually single, for most guys that's more of a ghost town feeling than surrounded by girls-gone-wild.

 

Thinking that a 40something year old divorced man with kids and child support is going to be taking home hot, single, childless, never-married chicks from the bar every night is not realistic unless he is some kind of rock star/celebrity/pro athlete/big business tycoon etc.

 

But middle aged men that take care of themselves, are in good shape, dress well, have a professional career and have good social skills do have very reasonable and realistic options on the age appropriate dating market.

 

He may not be swimming in never-married, childless, hard bodied 21 year olds, but if he is as I described above, an attractive, divorced 30something with minor children who has an intact sex drive and is in reasonable good shape is very realistic.

 

A never-married, childless 20something is also realistic if he is willing to drop the hot and hard-bodied component in exchange for intact sex drive and not having to deal with the baggage of kids.

 

It's not only realistic, but is quite common and happens all the time.

 

I agree with the rest of your post.

[elaine567]

Ok she is not keen on sex with the kids due in any minute, the neighbours listening in, and the dog barking, BUT what if you get a baby sitter for the week end, wine and dine her, take her to a hotel, make it romantic. Think of ways you would try and please another woman and do them with your wife. Picnics, days out, take her to places you went when you were dating, woo her.

Smarten yourself up and be the man she fell in love with.

 

Listen to Ninja, you are getting sex weekly from a woman who loves you, and you are surrounded by your family, who also respect and love you.

 

Be careful what you wish for here.

Too many divorced older guys are sitting alone and lonely in rooms with whiskey, porn and their hand, whilst their family sits at home and hates their father for upsetting their mother by cheating on her.

[oldshirt]

Ok she is not keen on sex with the kids due in any minute, the neighbours listening in, and the dog barking, BUT what if you get a baby sitter for the week end, wine and dine her, take her to a hotel, make it romantic. Think of ways you would try and please another woman and do them with your wife. Picnics, days out, take her to places you went when you were dating, woo her.

Smarten yourself up and be the man she fell in love with.

 

 

Standard advice and very legitimate in many ways.

 

However the effectiveness of this depends on the degree of his wife's hang ups and inhibitions.

 

Hotels have rooms next door and people walking in the halls. The gal at the front desk might suspect that they are there to have sex. The people net door may be talking too loud. She may need to call the sitter 15 times to make sure everything is ok and give her instructions on how to warm up the casserole she left in the refrigerator for the kids to have for dinner. What if the hotel didn't wash the sheets? What if they leave a wet spot and the housekeeper sees it?

What if someone from church sees them there and knows what they are doing?

 

 

Do you see where I am going with this?

 

Romantic getaways can be great for couples that already have good, functioning sex lives and both want to get away from everything so they can go balls to the wall.

 

But if someone has chronic, sexual dysfunctions, leaving home and going to another place can get add to the anxiety and distractions.

 

I'll leave it at this - I assume in 21 years they have gotten away from the kids and had a romantic dinner and hotel room for a night. If it was a night of passion and hot sweaty porn sex, it would be worth revisiting that every now and then.

 

However if it was as I described above and was just an added level of inhibition, frustration and headache, then why bother.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Be careful what you wish for here.

Too many divorced older guys are sitting alone and lonely in rooms with whiskey, porn and their hand, whilst their family sits at home and hates their father for upsetting their mother by cheating on her.

 

Again there is some truth here but not the whole picture.

 

There are definately some divorced men sitting alone in front of porn with a bottle of whisky in one hand and their dong in the other.

 

However those guys typically fall in to two general categories.

 

The first group are fat, out of shape, shaggy alcoholics that are porn addicts and creepiest in the first place who's wives have left them for other men or for being creepy, alcoholic bums in the first place.

 

The second category of spankers is guys that are so frustrated and dissatisfied with their ex wives that they actually welcome the freedom and peace and quiet to have a stiff drink, pull up some porn and have a good spank because it's actually better than what they had to put up with being married to an unresponsive wife.

 

If a guy is gainfully employed, takes care of himself, has rudimentary social skills and puts forth effort to polish himself up and take women out on legitimate dates and treats them decently, there's no reason for him to be a hermit.

 

Alcoholism, sloth and porn addictions are the reasons those people are alone. They aren't drunks, losers and porn spankers because of divorce.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Think of ways you would try and please another woman and do them with your wife.

 

 

 

Now I do agree with this statement 110%.

 

Men and women both should treat their partners like their very special hot date. Couples can never stop dating and never stop seducing and flirting with their spouse.

 

Yes he should woo her and seduce her and treat her like his queen. And absolutely he should put in the effort and do the things that he would have to do any way if he were on the dating market as I pointed out in my first post.

 

However she needs to follow that rule as well. Would she get many follow up dates if she were shutting things down because there were dishes in the sink and neighbors within a ten block radius or democrats if office etc etc etc???

 

It largely comes down to effort. If you aren't putting in any effort, you have no room to fingers and you deserve what you get.

 

But if you are sincerely putting in full, sincere, legitimate effort and your partner won't lift a finger and all you are doing is banging into a wall, then you have the right to walk.

[oldshirt]

 

The second category of spankers is guys that are so frustrated and dissatisfied with their ex wives that they actually welcome the freedom and peace and quiet to have a stiff drink, pull up some porn and have a good spank because it's actually better than what they had to put up with being married to an unresponsive wife.

 

 

 

I am not saying whether the OP does or does not fall into this category but there are a number of men (and women) out there where being able to get drunk and spank to porn is a big improvement in their sex lives.

 

All I can say to that is if someone would have a better love life with a bottle of Jack Daniels, some baby oil and youporn than they would with their spouse, it's time to hit the road.

[oldshirt]

So let me word this another way.

 

If you are contemplating leaving your spouse to find someone better, there will always be an element of risk of whether you'll be able to find someone or not. It will be a matter of realistically evaluating your odds and taking the chance.

 

But if you know you'll have a better love life spanking to porn whenever you want, book the moving truck today.

[StandingO]

In many was your wife is the same as my ex but some exceptions. I can really relate to where you are at. Like me you are the passionate one and it is vacant in her. My ex also did not except oral or do oral. The first 2 years of our marriage and sex was OK, more frequent, she always enjoyed it but never started it. She too was basic in her sex ways. Never ventured wanting to try other ways etc. My experience with my attempts with oral on her were not as harsh as yours but the result was the same. Sex became once a month then once every two, then three, and finally over a year. Near the end I asked her to go counselling with me she refused. When I asked her about our sexual issues her words were basically "that's your problem". I knew it was her problem. She was also a hard ass in personality, Not in the beginning of our relationship with me but I saw signs of it with others. Eventually she was this way with me at times. The uncompromising type, her way or no way. After over 10 years I woke up realizing this will never change, that I was miserable..

I was very tempted to cheat but held back. I told her we should separate, after more months it did not register with her. I had to stick the papers in front of her. She was content to go on forever as we were but not I.

 

I would guess that after 20 years she is unlikely able to change. You probably feel as I did to give her one last chance, but it requires counselling (two of you together). Tell her like it is and how you feel. See what comes of it. This is of course if you too truly want to save the marriage, that you still have love for her. If deep inside you are done with the marriage then you must separate ASAP. Don't waste years being miserable. Life is too short. Do this before cheating. You will feel better about yourself.

Edited July 1, 2015 by StandingO

[StandingO]

In many was your wife is the same as my ex but some exceptions. I can really related to where you are at. Like me you are the passionate one and it is vacant in her. My ex also did not except oral or do oral. The first 2 years of our marriage and sex was OK, more frequent, she always enjoyed it but never started it. She too was basic in her sex ways. Never ventured wanting to try other ways etc. My experience with my attempts with oral on her were not as harsh as yours but the result was the same. Sex became once a month then once every two, then three, and finally over a year. Near the end I asked her to go counselling ith me she refused. When I asked her about our sexual issues her words were basically "that your problem". I knew it was her problem. She was also a hard ass in personality, Not in the beginning of our relationship with me but I saw signs of it with others. Eventually she was this way with me at times. The uncompromising type, her way or no way. After over 10 years I woke up realizing this will never change, that I was miserable. I went to counselling.

I was very tempted to cheat but held back. I told her we should separate, after more months it did not register with her. I had to stick the papers in front of her. She was content to go on forever as we were but not I.

 

I would guess that after 20 years she is unlikely able to change. You probably feel as I did to give her one last chance, but it requires counselling (two of you together). Tell her like it is and how you feel. See what comes of it. This is of course if you too truly want to save the marriage, that you still have love for her. If deep inside you are done with the marriage then you must separate ASAP. Don't waste years being miserable. Life is too short. Do this before cheating. You will feel better about yourself.

[spanz1]

once a week actually is not too bad for a 21 year old marriage. Try just upping it to twice a week, and see if that works. Also try to seduce her more....sexy movies, being romantic during the day, texting her when you two are apart....

 

 

and try to clean up your own act too. Ditch the tighty whities. Get some new cologne. groom youself. Get some new trendy clothes and take her out more. IF she sees you trying, she will try harder too!

 

 

And if that all does not work, it is not "cheating" if you get a hall pass from her first!