Indreams Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I dont want to bore you with my life story, however some key facts throughout my life i must include in order for your answers to be relevant. At 16 i was raped, this being my first sexual encounter. I did not seek help i simply went off the rails. I ran away from home and entered various relationships. Some years later I came to my senses, met a nice man and we married. We live a happy life with 2 children but ive always known and sensed that despite the fact i love my husband dearly, there has always been something lacking. And not just with him, i have never been sexually attracted to anyone. I have never felt electricity or excitement with any touch from anyone. Infact i have always shyed away from intimacy, sometimes i cringe when being to touched Until now. There is a man i work with, he flirts with me and i will admit i flirt back, mainly because these feelings are new. I make excuses to be close to him and him to me. We have talked at lengths about ourselves, our lives, etc and i feel a kinship with him On a works evening out he kissed me and i kissed him back. Since then i cant stop thinking about him but despite my feelings ive made it clear it was a mistake and kept my distance. But when at home im riddled with guilt for i want to feel for this man, for what ive done and i hate that i dont feel that way about my husband. Im trying really hard to get this man out my mind, im trying really hard at home in the hopes i start to feel an attraction to my husband. Ive since been to the doctors and requested councilling to which i am still awaiting an appointment. I know i must address what happened to me all those years ago and im ready too. But all this time i thought i was incapable of feeling sexual attraction and simply accepted that fact, i opted for security, warmth and love. All of which i have with my husband. My husband loves me dearly, i will admit at times his love is over bearing and i feel shame, even before this infatuation for not loving him the way he loves me. I am a guarded person, very secretative and very much a loner and emotional. At the same time the image i project of myself is one of strength, loud, outgoing, happy and fun loving. This has always served me in keeping a distance from others. I allowed this man to get close, get to know me, knowing the whole time what i stand to loose. But i dont want to loose my husband or the life i have built with him, there must be a way to save my marriage, to introduce these feelings for my husband. All ideas and comments welcome, please help me Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Have you ever tried therapy for your trauma? Does your husband know your full story? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Indreams, Let me say that I admire you for seeing what you were going that getting off that self destructive path before you messed up your life and cause hurt and pain to your husband, kids, and yourself. This shows real character and courage on your part. You should remember this, you need some help. I think you may be in a EA, but you see that you have to put a stop to it. First, talk to you husband, let him know what you are going through. He can help, he loves you. You both can work on the sex issues, and he can understand. Talking about everything will help. Second, get into IC as soon as you can. Both you and your husband my need to be in MC. You may need sex therapy. This is OK, and please do not think less of yourself. You have taken the first step, you see a problem This is OK. Do you belong to a church? they can help as well. DO not bottle this up, seek to talk. Coming here is good, but we are not experts, all we can do is give you the benefit of our past. Read the posts here, this should give you a good idea, of why you should not have a emotional or physical affair. I think you will agree, the steps you are now taking, is what many would have hoped their WS would have done under similar circumstances. Third, If the person at work is a decent man, let him know that you need him to back off. Having let him know about yourself, and if he has any spark of caring, he will see that to be a good friend, he needs to make sure it does not go anywhere. If he does not, let HR know. They will enforce his behavior. In any case, you have tools to give you help. You, or should right now, may have to go NO CONTACT, if possible, or leave your job, if nothing else works. Remember you are fighting for your life here, your marriage, and the respect of your kids. What is a job, compared to that? Keep posting the people at LS can be of some help. I have hope for you, and wish you luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 you might be in the right place now for therapy and talking your past over with someone. from your story i'd guess that your husband was a "safe" choice and came along for you at a time when you needed someone good/reliable/trustworthy after your trauma. it seems that time has helped somewhat to open your mind and body and heart to feelings you might have closed off, and this new person is allowing that to surface. but you might be throwing away something very valuable and right. talk to a therapist and your husband before it gets any farther with this other man. good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 People with unresolved trauma from a destructive situation tend to act in self-destructive ways, a fact I've seen in my own life and one you're proving now. The irony is, were you as open with your H as your are with your OM, there wouldn't be a need to cheat. You need to find a safe place to discuss this and a healthy way to involve your H. If he's the man you describe, I'd bet he'll jump at the chance. Time to take back the control that was stolen from you at a young age... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Indreams Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Thank you for your replies, I've never been to therapy before but I must admit I'm looking forward to going, I'm just waiting on my appointment coming through. My husband knows of my past, he has supported me for many many years, he is the greatest man I know but if I were to tell him all this it would destroy him so he has no idea and I'd very much like to keep it that way, for I have no intentions to act on this any further. I know what is important and a silly workplace crush is not and never will be the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Thank you for your replies, I've never been to therapy before but I must admit I'm looking forward to going, I'm just waiting on my appointment coming through. My husband knows of my past, he has supported me for many many years, he is the greatest man I know but if I were to tell him all this it would destroy him so he has no idea and I'd very much like to keep it that way, for I have no intentions to act on this any further. I know what is important and a silly workplace crush is not and never will be the answer. Just sneak it in... Pick out and suggest clothing you find your husband more attractive in. Tell him you like broad shoulders or something you like and encourage him to develop those. Exercise together. Tell him what turns you on p. Specifically, there are some things that other guy had that turned you on. Suggest to your husband that these are the things that turn you on. Be very open and honest, except don't mention this other guy or your laclk of attraction. Your husband will naturally listen to these new found preferences of yours.I'm sure he's been waiting years for you to finally open up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Indreams Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Thanks loveweary11 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Thank you for your replies, I've never been to therapy before but I must admit I'm looking forward to going, I'm just waiting on my appointment coming through. My husband knows of my past, he has supported me for many many years, he is the greatest man I know but if I were to tell him all this it would destroy him so he has no idea and I'd very much like to keep it that way, for I have no intentions to act on this any further. I know what is important and a silly workplace crush is not and never will be the answer. Indreams, I think you are making a mistake not letting your husband help you through this, in my mind you have not done anything wrong, but see where is could lead, and are putting the breaks to it. Having stated that, it is up to you, I would just like to point out that these things have a way of getting out, and why not address this, when it is a small issue. Communication in a marriage, will overcome most if not all problems. In your case, it is your life and marriage, so follow what you think is best. Again, you are following the right idea of not allowing this to grow. So good work. The advise from loveweary11, is good. Sometimes just acting the part leads to to true attraction. All marriages run hot and cold, this is normal. Therapy will help, but you do have to work at it. I wish you good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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