How Can I Trust Again

[SSJROMANCE]

My wife and I have had a rocky relationship. Before we got married she lied to me on direct questions about her past and I only found out about the lies because she slipped up. She spilled the beans but it took several months if not years to come out with everything as she continued to hold things back. Her excuse was that she was embarrassed and had low self esteem but claimed she was healed.

 

Fast forward 10 years. I find out she has befriended 40 high school male friends on Facebook and made some inappropriate comments to some and "didn't know" others were big time flirting with her. She had private conversations with one VERY good friend of hers in which she deleted most of the conversations with. After several denials she finally admitted to me she made inappropriate comments and admitted to trying to cover it up through lies. Not only that but I found public posts to "guys" that make her look like a complete bimbo.

 

Besides continued issues with self-esteem I feel that I can no longer trust her and that this marriage is broken. I cannot continue to "spy" on her because that is what I feel that I have to do. She down plays everything she has done and tells me I have nothing to worry about yet it seems that every few years something else comes up. Not sure if there is a solution to this or what I should do.

[Friskyone4u]

Not sure if there is a solution to this or what I should do.

 

She is gas lighting you. One thing you should not do is pay any attention to her denials. There is no reason for a married woman to be adding 40 male friends, making inappropriate conversation with them, and to be lying until caught and even after.

 

When you said you cannot spy on her. if you remain in that fog, the next thing you are going to find out is when she has met a few of these new friends, and it will not be to discuss old times and politics.

 

You have enough red flags there to start a bull fighting school. i suggest you not put your head in the sand or be intimidated by her statements. her telling you it is nothing is right out of the Cheaters 101 Handbook. if she is not doing it already she is looking to.

[Cephalopod]

Some people, like your wife, crave validation from several people at a time. In your wife's case, she needs many men to validate her, tell her she is desirable, tell her she is sexy, and tell her everything she wants to hear. She's an ego kibbles addict. Having these men tell her how hot she is, what a loser you are, and how they can make her life more fun and enjoyable, triggers those dopamine receptors in her brain, giving her and intense high and feeling that all is well and good in her world.

 

She has a problem with self-validation.

 

Your wife is a very dangerous person, because, like my ex-wife, she will continue to ramp up these behaviors until she ends up in bed with one or several of these men. But even that won't be enough, because validation from one man, five men, fifty men isn't enough.

 

You could never be enough. No man could be. There are not enough attentive men in the world who can feed that kind of need.

 

She needs help, and you need to confront her.

[autumnnight]

She is set up to become a serial cheater. In some senses she already is. And the fact that she lies and minimizes means she really doesn't have remorse. I would insist on IC, and I'd make sure I was in the loop on that too. She needs very specific boundaries and complete transparency.

 

Do you have children? If not, I might even think about a separation.

[oldshirt]

Has she ever actually "done" anything inappropriate or adulterous in real life?

[elaine567]

Has she ever actually "done" anything inappropriate or adulterous in real life?

 

Good point.

[d0nnivain]

While the lies & the secretiveness are eroding the foundations of your relationship, I think it is salvageable if it never crossed into the physical. She needs to own up to why she does these things. Genuinely being friends with members of the opposite sex is not big deal. Pushing the boundaries & being overly suggestive is problematic.

 

Is she willing to go to counseling and open up her social media to you completely? that level of transparency should go a long way toward helping you trust her again, assuming she remains worth of that trust.

[Cephalopod]

Has she ever actually "done" anything inappropriate or adulterous in real life?

 

 

Fast forward 10 years. I find out she has befriended 40 high school male friends on Facebook and made some inappropriate comments to some and "didn't know" others were big time flirting with her. She had private conversations with one VERY good friend of hers in which she deleted most of the conversations with. After several denials she finally admitted to me she made inappropriate comments and admitted to trying to cover it up through lies. Not only that but I found public posts to "guys" that make her look like a complete bimbo.

[spanz1]

well 10 years is a long time. i would give it a go to trying to fix things first.

 

so she flirts and acts a little slutty with these men. Have you noticed any sort of bipolar behavior on her part? Bipolars often will need to validate their sexiness by getting laid with other people.

 

How's the sex life lately? 10 years is a long time....maybe she is just feeling like she is in a sexual/romantic rutt with you, and wants to get a vicarious thrill from these facebook friends and chats. How about upping the frequency and types of sex you two do together. that might be all that is needed--seeing her husband is still horny for her and wants to get laid all the time.

 

IF you are not willing to do some of that heavy lifting on your part...well the danger is definitely there that she may hook up with one of these past acquaintances. Unless you are game for an open marriage....i would work hard at keeping her a happy woman in bed.

[oldshirt]

Fast forward 10 years. I find out she has befriended 40 high school male friends on Facebook and made some inappropriate comments to some and "didn't know" others were big time flirting with her. She had private conversations with one VERY good friend of hers in which she deleted most of the conversations with. After several denials she finally admitted to me she made inappropriate comments and admitted to trying to cover it up through lies. Not only that but I found public posts to "guys" that make her look like a complete bimbo.

 

 

Ok let's get more specific.

 

What were these "inappropriate" things she said and what specifically were the pictures and how did hey make her look like a bimbo? How was she flirting and what we're the things she was saying?

 

Terms like inappropriate and bimbo are judgement calls. One person's inappropriate is normal conversation to someone else. To some people a picture at the park in shorts is racy and bimbo looking. And flirtation is completely in the eye of the beholder.

 

I have over 250 women on my friends list including dozens of old classmates and most of my old girlfriends. I have had convos with some, have commented on their pictures and some have commented on my pictures. I have not had any affairs or clandestine meetings or declarations of love or feelings with any of them.

 

So I will ask again, has she had any actions or behaviors in real life that have been adulterous in nature such as clandestine meetings, declarations of feelings, making out, sexual contact etc etc?

 

Have any of her convos with men on social media involved arranging secret meetings for romantic/sexual purposes? Have they involved declarations of romantic/sexual feelings? Have they involved the exchange of nude, erotic or genitalia pictures?

[SSJROMANCE]

Not to my knowledge but she did go to a party knowing her ex would be there and old classmates "pushed them" together to talk. She claims nothing happened. We did break up after two years of dating and within a couple weeks she was in bed with a ONS and had sex literally 4 times throughout the night. I was the love of her life she says and took me several dates to have sex with her yet she has shown she lets guys control her and do what they want. That was many years ago but even as recently as a few years ago she confuses guys flirting with her as flattery because of her low self esteem. She has been through years of counsoling yet every time she claims she is healed she lets something else happen to her. I don't think I will EVER know the whole truth in all her lies and trust is something that will never come back.

[SSJROMANCE]

She was diagnosed with bi-polar years ago. Was suppose to be fixed but apparently its not. She claims sex has never been important to her and says she has always been a dead lay. Six one night stands and countless of other 2 night stands tells me otherwise. Sex turns me off with her now of many reasons especially knowing after all we had been through and her promising me to tell me EVERYTHING then busting her with Facebook the whole marriage just turns me off now. Not to mention she has gained 50 pounds just for me.

[SSJROMANCE]

I will never know truly what she said and she has lied to me so many times I wouldn't believe her anyways. No I don't believe she was talking sex but did mention she said if she wasn't married she would give him a chance. Assuming this was one of the comments as innocent as it may seem to some these conversations start out like this and eventually people end up in bed especially my wife with her low self-esteem. But whatever the conversations were she felt bad enough to delete all but a few. After denying ever talking to him on the phone she finally came out and said she remembers at least one phone call. How the hell do you NOT remember calling an old high school friend after 20 something years of not talking to them? How is that possible? So she continues to conveniently forget about things or deny until she finally admits.

[understand50]

I will never know truly what she said and she has lied to me so many times I wouldn't believe her anyways. No I don't believe she was talking sex but did mention she said if she wasn't married she would give him a chance. Assuming this was one of the comments as innocent as it may seem to some these conversations start out like this and eventually people end up in bed especially my wife with her low self-esteem. But whatever the conversations were she felt bad enough to delete all but a few. After denying ever talking to him on the phone she finally came out and said she remembers at least one phone call. How the hell do you NOT remember calling an old high school friend after 20 something years of not talking to them? How is that possible? So she continues to conveniently forget about things or deny until she finally admits.

 

Some questions:

 

1) Do you know, or have a good idea. that she has been unfaithful during your marriage?

 

2) Is your issue that you cannot seem to get a clear idea of her sexual past.

 

3) Did she gain the weight after she started treatment for her being bipolar.

[SSJROMANCE]

I honestly do not think she has been unfaithful. But the feeling is the same as if she has cheated on me. I asked her specific questions about her past before we started dating and she lied. I agree to date her again after our few week breakup as long as wasn't with anyone. She lied and put my health in danger because of unprotected sex with a ONS several times that night and morning. I feel cheated on because as someone who had long term relationships with few women I was looking for the same. But that is not the real issue. Trust is. She has lied over and over and over about her past as well as her Facebook friends and private chats. I had to bust her on everything to find out the truth. A mutual friend of ours drove her home from a party a couple years back, stopped the car halfway to our house and wanted to get a sexual relationship going. She said she told him no and nothing happened. I believe her but she waited a MONTH to tell me!!! What message did that send to this guy??? She claims she waited because she wanted to discuss this with his wife first which she never did!!! Why didn't she march right over there the next day if she was bothered by this??? So this is the kind of stuff I have been dealing with. Lie lie withholding information and more lies.

[No Limit]

They always say nothing happened to keep the betrayed spouse from leaving them... dude, you're being cuckolded. Get out of there before she attempts to make you pay child support for one of her friend's offspring.

[oldshirt]

Ok this new information is helpful and shed more light on the situation.

 

At this point if a crystal ball or a burning bush were to tell you she has never had sex with anyone else since you have been married will it change anything or make any difference?

 

What I am coming away with here is you simply don't respect her or see her as a good and honorable person, woman or wife.

 

And frankly, given the new background information I don't know if I could either. Sometimes people just aren't the kind of people you respect and admire or trust.

 

I can't imagine being married to a person I didn't respect, admire and be proud of to introduce as my spouse. I don't know if there is a way to fix this and make her into someone respectable and admirable given all that has gone on in your/her past.

 

Should she be tied to a stake and stoned and then set adrift out to sea on a makeshift raft? Of course not. But that doesn't mean that you need to set the bar so low on a spouse that you are yoked to someone you don't have at least some baseline respect for.

[oldshirt]

And in regards to adultry, since you have no direct evidence of her having sex with anyone else since you've been married let's take the assumption she has not gone there yet.

 

Where I would be concerned is not what she would do when there are sunny skies and smooth waters and things are going great. Given her past practices and character indicators, my concerns would be what would she do if there is ever a rough patch or times of turmoil?

 

If you can guarantee a life where things are always going great and there are no times of turmoil or hardship, then you will probably be fine.

 

If however there are ever any times of hardship or doubt, will you feel secure in that she will have the depth of character to remain true and have your back in times of hardship and doubt?

[oldshirt]

.....and bi polar is never "fixed." It can be managed and controlled but it is never cured and never ends. It is a condition that requires lifelong management and periodic adjustment of medications and therapies.

 

People can lead normal, healthy, happy lives with it if they manage it well and are compliant and conscientious about taking their meds and complying with therapies. But it is not something that ever just goes away.

 

The problem is if people feel ok, they think they are cured and then they stop taking their meds and no longer comply with therapy and then they plunge right back into the nuttiness again.

 

The problem a lot of people with mental illness have is they don't feel crazy and they think everyone else is full of crap and they don't trust their doctors and therapists and so they stop taking their meds and don't comply with their therapists and then they run into trouble again.

Edited July 1, 2015 by oldshirt