Infertility

[Thegameoflife]

My wife and I have been married 3.5 years and have been trying to have kids for 4 years without any luck. We've done multiple fertility treatments including invetro with no success. A major reason for getting married for me, was to have children. I love my wife but having kids is very important to me. Doctors have no clue why treatments haven't worked. I don't want to adopt, and my wife has no interest in surrogacy. I'm 31 now, and I'm not looking to have kids when I'm 40. I really don't want to leave my wife, but it would mean forgoing children. We have the money to try invetro again but there are no guarantees. It's not fun spending 12 grand and receiving nothing in return, with no explanation. Might try once more and then make the call to move on or not.

[d0nnivain]

It's a painful gut wrenching issue. Failed IVF can make anybody crazy. The sickest part is that some adoption agencies won't talk to you if you have ever had mental health counseling, even for fertility issues. I get that you said you don't want to adopt but that part of the process always stuck in my craw.

 

 

Talk to your wife again about surrogacy. Ask what her issues about it are.

 

 

Really communicate before you end the marriage.

 

 

Good luck.

[Satu]

Keep trying and keep your relationship sweet.

 

It's too soon to give up.

[d0nnivain]

Keep trying and keep your relationship sweet.

 

It's too soon to give up.

 

 

 

That's lovely in theory but once you are on the IVF roller coaster it's very hard to be sweet.

 

 

For the woman you go to the doctors every morning, 7 days per week, 365 days per year & get blood work done. You give yourself painful shots in the abdomen that cause you to gain between 50-100 pounds. You worry about what you eat & where you go. You feel defective because other women get pregnant so easily. Every baby you see or hear about makes you burst into tears. After they do the implant you wait with baited breath for 2 weeks, acting like you might be pregnant no caffeine, no chocolate because it has caffeine, no alcohol, no medication, no soft cheese, no fish that might have mercury & when you get your period knowing you are not pregnant AGAIN you want to kill yourself.

 

 

Meanwhile all this costs you a fortune -- between $10,000 - $20,000 per try and it's NOT covered by health insurance so on top of being depressed & feeling worthless you are going broke because the finance plan is at 19% interest.

 

 

As the man all you do is watch your beloved wife make herself crazier & you can't take away her pain but you make yourself nuts looking at all the money you are spending with no results. She's irritable all the time so being sweet is that much harder. You probably aren't getting any loving because she's so inside her head desperately trying to figure out why it's not working.

 

 

Here the OP really wants kids so he's heart broken at every failed attempt too. The only let you do this for 6 months at a time. Then they make you take a break. In 4 years the OP & his wife have probably done this at least 4 times & have already dropped a quarter of a million dollars plus interest.

[autumnnight]

I don't want to adopt, and my wife has no interest in surrogacy.

 

Why?

 

I understand that there are people really really into the sharing DNA, but I have to say, I am glad my father did not feel that way about my mother, as I am adopted.

[sandylee1]

Depending on what the issue is , have you thought about getting an egg donor. This is suitable if your wife isn't producing enough eggs.

She'd carry the baby and get as close as possible. It really is your child minus the DNA. You would be the sperm donor of course.

[understand50]

Sorry to be blunt, I know this is a big issue, and do not want to make light of it.

 

But,

 

Is the problem with her getting pregnant? Or is it you not being able to get her pregnant?

 

I think that would help with any advise we as a group can give. In general, leaving a woman because she cannot have children, I would advise against. There are several ways to have children, and I would hope you become open to all of them.

 

I wish you good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Is the problem with her getting pregnant? Or is it you not being able to get her pregnant? .

 

 

If they are doing IVF it has already been medically determined that the problem is hers, not his sperm count or motility. Reproductive doctors rule out other causes before they start a woman on an IVF routine since it is sooooooo invasive, expensive, heart breaking & is not guaranteed to work.

[Got it]

My wife and I have been married 3.5 years and have been trying to have kids for 4 years without any luck. We've done multiple fertility treatments including invetro with no success. A major reason for getting married for me, was to have children. I love my wife but having kids is very important to me. Doctors have no clue why treatments haven't worked. I don't want to adopt, and my wife has no interest in surrogacy. I'm 31 now, and I'm not looking to have kids when I'm 40. I really don't want to leave my wife, but it would mean forgoing children. We have the money to try invetro again but there are no guarantees. It's not fun spending 12 grand and receiving nothing in return, with no explanation. Might try once more and then make the call to move on or not.

 

Okay, but how is divorcing your wife going to solve the problem? If it is unexplained, and unfortunately a large number are, it can be just as easily your issue.

 

Have you considered other ways of doing IVF? There are different methods that they can use. What has the doctors said? Have you just done fresh? What about frozen? How many embryos do you guys have frozen? How many embryos did you have total? Do you know the quality of embryos that you had/have? How many were transferred?

 

For me, frozen was the most successful as I had some issues from the fresh even though the embryo quality was the highest grade. There are infertility sites that may be able to help lend support and resources, let me know if you want any of them. IVF is a long hard road and unfortunately, even the stats now, indicated multiple attempts for success.

[Got it]

That's lovely in theory but once you are on the IVF roller coaster it's very hard to be sweet.

 

 

For the woman you go to the doctors every morning, 7 days per week, 365 days per year & get blood work done. You give yourself painful shots in the abdomen that cause you to gain between 50-100 pounds. You worry about what you eat & where you go. You feel defective because other women get pregnant so easily. Every baby you see or hear about makes you burst into tears. After they do the implant you wait with baited breath for 2 weeks, acting like you might be pregnant no caffeine, no chocolate because it has caffeine, no alcohol, no medication, no soft cheese, no fish that might have mercury & when you get your period knowing you are not pregnant AGAIN you want to kill yourself.

 

 

Meanwhile all this costs you a fortune -- between $10,000 - $20,000 per try and it's NOT covered by health insurance so on top of being depressed & feeling worthless you are going broke because the finance plan is at 19% interest.

 

 

As the man all you do is watch your beloved wife make herself crazier & you can't take away her pain but you make yourself nuts looking at all the money you are spending with no results. She's irritable all the time so being sweet is that much harder. You probably aren't getting any loving because she's so inside her head desperately trying to figure out why it's not working.

 

 

Here the OP really wants kids so he's heart broken at every failed attempt too. The only let you do this for 6 months at a time. Then they make you take a break. In 4 years the OP & his wife have probably done this at least 4 times & have already dropped a quarter of a million dollars plus interest.

 

This is only for fresh cycle. If you have any frozen embryos, a frozen cycle is much easier. You aren't at the doctor's very often, you have less injections and just build up the uterus lining until transfer.

 

And not everyone gets emotional doing IVF, you can, absolutely, as well as bloating, weight gain, acne, etc. but it does vary.

 

But IVF isn't for the faint of heart and is a lot on a couple.

[Got it]

If they are doing IVF it has already been medically determined that the problem is hers, not his sperm count or motility. Reproductive doctors rule out other causes before they start a woman on an IVF routine since it is sooooooo invasive, expensive, heart breaking & is not guaranteed to work.

 

Again, not true. Many do IVF because of motility issues as IVF can be the most successful way of getting the egg fertilized.

 

And one does not necessarily rule out other procedures before going to IVF. The couple can choose to do so as we did. We choose to jump right to IVF and cut to the chase.

 

Here are the success rates for the different treatments through Shady Grove: http://www.shadygrovefertility.com/success_rates

 

 

And we did IVF because of issues with my husband, he had had a vasectomy well over a decade ago.

Edited June 23, 2015 by Got it

[lucy_in_disguise]

My great-aunt went through a divorce because she could not bear children, and I have always thought that must be one of the most devastating experiences possible for a woman to go through.

 

Did you discuss the possibility of these issues before you promised for better or for worse?

 

Why is she opposed to surrogacy?

[candie13]

I am not judging you but you're not supposed to give up that easily. 31 is incredibly incredibly young still. And anyone can have children. Anyone. From 10 years old little girls to 70 years old men. However a good partner, a real partner, that is really really rare. It would be horrible to get a divorce and reach 40 and still be single because no one matched up to your expectations. That is a real possibility.

 

So it's difficult and heartbreaking and sh*tty. It'll pass if you have enough patience and if you do the hard work: explore all possible options, relax and have faith. It takes TIME. Give it TIME. You have already found your mate, you are one of the lucky ones. Count your blessings and don't let it go to waste.

[minimariah]

I love my wife but having kids is very important to me.

 

leave your W.

 

it is clear that you married her ONLY for her uterus, you don't love that woman. so let her go, she deserves someone who will actually see more in her than just a human incubator.

 

plenty of young ladies out there who can give you EXACTLY what you want, don't waste your W's time.

[sandylee1]

The problem is that women's egg production declines with age , especially if she's not had any children. It's different when you've had kids before, those women easily get pregnant at 40+.

 

This is why women don't want to hang around with marriage and kids. The biological clock is really ticking and it causes a lot of heartache.

 

As women age, they don't always ovulate every month , the egg quality declines and getting pregnant just doesn't happen.

 

With a man, he can have kids way into his 60s without much problem at all.

 

I really suggest the egg donor route, I know a couple of people who've done this.

[minimariah]

Doctors have no clue why treatments haven't worked.

 

probably the pressure you're putting on yourself & your W.

 

the reason you can't have a baby (i assume both of you are healthy) is in your head. she probably feels and knows that she will lose you if she doesn't give you children & you, on the other hand, feel your biological clock ticking away & the typical need to "leave your heritage" behind (that's why you won't adopt).

 

pressure, pressure, tension, disappointments and some more pressure. yeah, body knows better than you when it's NOT the right time.

[minimariah]

My great-aunt went through a divorce because she could not bear children, and I have always thought that must be one of the most devastating experiences possible for a woman to go through.

 

eh, it happens when folks marry for the wrong reasons.

 

Why is she opposed to surrogacy?

 

i am personally against surrogacy, especially with a couple like this where a true bond doesn't exist (basing this on the OP's wish for kids being more important than his own W).

 

surrogacy doesn't always end well for a W's mind, selfesteem... confidence. it can be very devastating, especially when you have a kids obsessed partner. that thought of being a failure keeps following you.

Edited June 23, 2015 by minimariah

[autumnnight]

especially with a couple like this where a true bond doesn't exist (basing this on the OP's wish for kids being more important than his own W)

 

Yeah, you pretty much just summed up my entire problem with this thread.

[Trishern]

Sometimes the desire to have children is more than the love you have for a spouse. I don't think that says any less about the person who makes that decision at all.

 

 

I do think that seeking alternatives such as adoption or surrogacy should be considered before splitting up.

 

 

Mrs. T

[minimariah]

Sometimes the desire to have children is more than the love you have for a spouse.

 

i agree and that is definitely the OP's situation which is why divorcing should be a very realistic option NOW because they probably WILL split in a bit uglier way if the children don't happen.

[autumnnight]

The assumption seems to be that it is his wife's problem. I wonder if he would be so quick to dump her if it turns out HE is the one who cannot father a child.

[minimariah]

I do think that seeking alternatives such as adoption or surrogacy should be considered before splitting up.

 

just to add - in situations like these, where one partner's desire for children is stronger than the "love" he has for his spouse... adoption is NOT an option. the partner's desire for children isn't a result of his love for his spouse but rather a result of a very primal urge to reproduce and leave "legacy". that's why the OP doesn't want to adopt - he wants a child of his own genes and his own blood.

 

surrogacy is an option for HIM but probably not for the W beause it is extremely emotionally draining and the couple where a desire for children is stronger than their mutual bond and connection just don't have the strength to make it through.

 

The assumption seems to be that it is his wife's problem. I wonder if he would be so quick to dump her if it turns out HE is the one who cannot father a child.

 

the problem is stress, in my opinion. happens a lot, you got two healthy people who can't get a baby because they're fixated on getting one. it also happens when the relationship (marriage) ISN'T a good one... and if i go through the OP's earlier posts right now, i will bet my left kidney i'd find a trace of the lingering unhapiness in his marriage that in reality has nothing to do with kids.

[d0nnivain]

probably the pressure you're putting on yourself & your W.

 

the reason you can't have a baby (i assume both of you are healthy) is in your head. she probably feels and knows that she will lose you if she doesn't give you children & you, on the other hand, feel your biological clock ticking away & the typical need to "leave your heritage" behind (that's why you won't adopt).

 

pressure, pressure, tension, disappointments and some more pressure. yeah, body knows better than you when it's NOT the right time.

 

 

 

This theory has no basis in science. DH's primary care physician gave me the same drivel. I wanted to punch the SOB. I went to a REAL DOCTOR a reproductive specialist who determined one of my ovaries only had 2 follicles left. It wasn't stress or pressure or lack of love it was physiology.

 

 

To suggest to the OP that after 4 years of fertility treatments with competent medical doctors that he & his wife are to blame for their infertility is cruel. People who haven't been on the emotional roller coaster of infertility do not truly appreciate how devastating it can be.

 

 

We don't actually know how the wife feels about all this. Maybe she wants kids as bad as he does. She must because nobody would go through 4 years of IVF if they didn't desperately want children.

 

 

OP my heart goes out to you and your wife but understand if you do leave her because she can't have kids you are basically kicking her when she's down. That in and of itself is cruel too.

[minimariah]

This theory has no basis in science.

 

actually, it does.

 

It wasn't stress or pressure or lack of love it was physiology.

 

primary care physician IS a real doctor.

and i assume the OP & W did every test possible (they did IVF) so the problem probably isn't in their physiology or they would know that by now.

 

To suggest to the OP that after 4 years of fertility treatments with competent medical doctors that he & his wife are to blame for their infertility is cruel.

 

saying that the problem might be there due to stress and pressure and that the problem is actually of psych nature is NOT the same as saying that it is their fault that they can't have a baby right now.

 

Maybe she wants kids as bad as he does.

 

who said she doesn't?

 

OP my heart goes out to you and your wife but understand if you do leave her because she can't have kids you are basically kicking her when she's down.

 

THEY can't have kids. not SHE.

Edited June 23, 2015 by minimariah

[sandylee1]

Although he says they can't have kids , I don't think he'd have problems fathering a child with another woman. Unless the clinic have identified a low sperm count as an issue.

 

 

More often than not, fertility issues lie with the woman. Considering she does the carrying it's understandable.

 

Problems with carrying a pregnancy

Prolapsed uterus

Spotaneous abortion

Incontinent cervix

 

The egg production is really an issue and the egg quality itself declines.

 

Very often you find that a couple who are successful with IVF , then go on to have a child naturally.

 

It is very stressful and expensive, but the stress alone doesn't hinder conception.