Girlfriend is very grumpy almost all the time

[CalvinM]

Long story short, my gf (30f) and I (33m) moved in together. It was probably a bit soon (3 months), but my lease was up and I didn't want to look for new roommates/can't really afford my own place.

 

I've added 45 minutes to my work commute, but for the most part things are pretty good. That is until I got sick about two weeks ago, and the antibiotics weren't working, so I didn't sleep and was a bit moody when she bothered me about sleeping in the afternoons (I was on holidays). She works early in the morning, so I slept on the couch to let her get some sleep.

 

I was supposed to renew my license and passport, but didn't because all I wanted to do was sleep.

 

Today she didn't even want to hug or kiss me. I felt like I'd cheated and when I asked her what was wrong, she said that "you haven't kept your plans." Her ex was a deadbeat, so I can understand her worries, and she took two days off during my holidays, one was spent in bed sleeping and the other day it rained.

 

I also had a very low pay because I took two sick days, enough to pay off bills and pay for groceries, but that's about it.

 

I'm back to normal now, but I'm also back to work and I think she was a bit jealous I had days off, but annoyed that I "wasted" them catching up on sleep.

 

I told her I hadn't planned on getting sick, but she doesn't seem to understand.

[Radu]

There are some women who associate manliness strictly with being able to provide.

 

Sounds like she is one of those women ...

Better not get sick again in the future ... ever, and forget about the flu, it just became the manflu.

[CalvinM]

Yeah, I'm starting to get that feeling.

 

Saturday night she went to a bbq at her sisters place. Her whole family was there, but I had to work Sat night, so I stayed home. I think she was annoyed about that too, but I was firm. Her neices 2nd birthday is next weekend and I've commited to attend that.

 

On my way to work she sent this text

"I'm really sorry, you are the sweetest guy I've been with and I'm not giving you much of a chance...im sorry my "ultra" weary mode (her ex made a lot of promises he didn't keep) is on and that it falls on you....you don't deserve this."

 

I responded with "I'm sorry this hasn't been everything you expected. I do plan to get my license and passport renewed in the next few weeks and hopefully we can get things back on track."

 

She responded with "I know you have been sick it's like I don't understand it, I take care of myself and rely on myself...im organised and I don't understand sometimes why you do things a certain way when it's obviously better the other way."

 

I'm not exactly sure what that's supposed to mean. It's a bit insulting, but I'm wasn't going to discuss it over text.

 

I replied with "I care about you a lot, I'm sorry you haven't felt I've shown you that. You can be very passive aggressive and I don't know how to cope with that because I like to communicate and solve issues together."

 

All she said was "Ok. Time will tell."

 

Doesn't seem half as optimistic as my response. ?

[Poppyolive]

Tighten your boundaries. Have a chat with her about how you feel, let it open up so she can discuss her feels, then find common ground & compromise. So you are both happy and move forward. In your discussion, be clear about what you disliked in her actions, communication in these situations is key. Set an example, lead by example and hopefully things will get better.

 

If you were sick needing antibiotics then rest was important for you, all else could wait, really. So I feel going on what you said, she over reacted, got moody and had a hard time communicating her way out of it. Lay out an idea of what you want if and when this happens again. I know it sounds pretty, but you need to stand firm in your beliefs, she can either like it or lump it. With your boundaries in place, it shouldn't be a problem next time.

 

One more thing, in your discussion, don't blame, use a lot of I felt this, this is what I think, how do you feel....etc...

[Radu]

Calvin, you mentioned passport so :

- ages ?

- location ?

- citizenship ?

- ethnicity ?

for both of you.

[CalvinM]

She's 30, I'm 33.

 

We're both Caucasian. Canadian by birth.

 

We live together in Ottawa.

[Cephalopod]

Work on finding a better job and you probably need to move out. You need to get more financially secure before you try to take the relationship to the next level.

[veggirl]

She probably just lacks respect for you and it's coming out now. I'm sorry, but a 33 yr old man should be able to support himself you know? I think you need to focus on building your career, she may think you are mooching off of her and feel resentful?

[toscaroscura]

How long have you been living together now? You said you moved in after 3 months but how long has it been since then?

 

She has a past with a deadbeat. Her annoyance at you is probably from an irrational place but her feelings are what they are. She is scared that you are going to be repeating the pattern she just escaped.

 

Renewing your license is important and I would be annoyed as well. Are you able to drive now? Are you driving with an expired license? Is she driving you places now? And the passport. Did you need it for a trip you guys are planning? I'm just guessing here with these questions, but when you live together these decisions can impact her as well. If she has to become your chauffeur or worry now about you getting arrested/ticketed for an expired license, it adds stress to your lives. And yes getting sick wasn't your fault, but maybe she was annoyed that you waited til the last minute to renew.

 

It also seems to me that you two didn't hash out financial expectations before you moved in, and now she is resentful that you aren't pulling your "weight" financially. You said you pay "bills and groceries" but "that's about it", which leads me to believe the lion's share of expenses are hers. This doesn't make her a woman who values a man on his ability to provide. These circumstances would stress anyone out, man or woman. You guys need to talk and come up with a plan.

 

There also seems to be a personality difference here. I am more like you, I like to relax on my time off. But some people prefer to go go go, to always be busy! For them, relaxing is time "wasted". Type A vs. Type B personalities, if you will. This is a personality difference you two need to decide you can live with. Because you moved in so fast, these differences are going to loom larger than they would normally, and they are going to be harder to work out.

 

I think this is a more complex issue than "she's just a gold digger who measures her man based on money he can provide". I don't think that's being fair to her. Live-in relationships are hard to navigate, especially when new!

[whichwayisup]

Long story short, my gf (30f) and I (33m) moved in together. It was probably a bit soon (3 months), but my lease was up and I didn't want to look for new roommates/can't really afford my own place.

 

I've added 45 minutes to my work commute, but for the most part things are pretty good. That is until I got sick about two weeks ago, and the antibiotics weren't working, so I didn't sleep and was a bit moody when she bothered me about sleeping in the afternoons (I was on holidays). She works early in the morning, so I slept on the couch to let her get some sleep.

 

I was supposed to renew my license and passport, but didn't because all I wanted to do was sleep.

 

Today she didn't even want to hug or kiss me. I felt like I'd cheated and when I asked her what was wrong, she said that "you haven't kept your plans." Her ex was a deadbeat, so I can understand her worries, and she took two days off during my holidays, one was spent in bed sleeping and the other day it rained.

 

I also had a very low pay because I took two sick days, enough to pay off bills and pay for groceries, but that's about it.

 

I'm back to normal now, but I'm also back to work and I think she was a bit jealous I had days off, but annoyed that I "wasted" them catching up on sleep.

 

I told her I hadn't planned on getting sick, but she doesn't seem to understand.

 

3 months and you two moved in together, not a great idea..Sorry. You barely know her and haven't really had fun with the honeymoon phase of your relationship, now you're living together and it's not fun.

 

She isn't sympathetic and she certainly isn't understanding.

 

Is she helping with rent money or is it all on you?

[whichwayisup]

She responded with "I know you have been sick it's like I don't understand it, I take care of myself and rely on myself...im organised and I don't understand sometimes why you do things a certain way when it's obviously better the other way."

 

This is a woman who is independent and expects you to pull your weight ALL the time, no excuses. She's harsh, (seems) emotionless/detached and is used to having HER WAY all the time and being in control. She's passive aggressive which is an awful quality to have. I bet she is the type to give 'silent treatments' too if things don't go her way.

 

Maybe time to reflect and ask yourself is this the right relationship for you long term? Seems right now it's obvious you two aren't really that capable living together.

[lollipopspot]

Is she helping with rent money or is it all on you?

 

Well he says in his first paragraph that he couldn't afford rent on his own, so I think you are reading something into the situation. This is not a guy that a "gold digger" would go for.

[GemmaUK]

How long do you have left until your license expires?

I'm just thinking if it's expired and you already have a commute of over 45 minutes are you going to have a while a few weeks when you can't get to work so therefore won't get paid?

That would be a bit of a concern for me if someone had not long moved in with me to be honest.

 

Are you planning any trips? A passport can wait unless you have trips planned. In busy times they can take around 3 months to get processed in the UK.

[spanz1]

I agree with you, 3 months was way too soon. now you are screwed.

[CalvinM]

She was wonderfully sweet and loving last Wednesday and then this:

"I should have flutter or be in our "honey moon" phase or something happy, but instead I feel anoyed..- definitely shoulnt feel that way after 4 months...im very indpendant...but I should care what you do...but I don't. I'm not right for you. You deserve better than that and I shoulnt be in a relationship im probably not ready."

 

Yesterday she suggested I find a place and we continue to see each other, but I feel like she's trying to let me down easy.

[spanz1]

alright, she has spoken. go get a place of your own, and if you love her continue to "date" her. If you try to stay in her place, it will fail for certain. by having your own place, the pressure is off, and you can get to learn about each other in a more normal time frame.

[CalvinM]

It's only been four months. How could I possibly have feelings of love that quickly?

[Haydn]

She was grumpy moody because she was building up to tell you it`s not working for her. It`s great she has been honest with her feelings.

 

I have done the same in the past. I felt irritable because i knew the RS was not for me.

 

Of course you feel terrible but at least she didn`t pretend everything was sweet.

 

As for feelings of love, happens to people at different speeds.

 

Think you should put some distance between yourself and her to help you move on.

 

Good luck

[Art_Critic]

Yesterday she suggested I find a place and we continue to see each other, but I feel like she's trying to let me down easy.

 

You need to get soooo out of there now, writing is on the wall and 3 months.. way too soon as it seems in this case, waiting would have let this set of issues come out of the bag.

 

IMO.. she doesn't respect you...

[Els]

3 months is way too soon to move in together, IMO. Couples should ideally have some time to just 'date' before they run into the challenges that usually come with sharing an abode, paying bills, living with each other 24/7. Such challenges can and do make couples stronger, but in your case you weren't ready for it yet, so you don't even know if the fallout is due to that or due to plain incompatibility.

 

I think you need to either move out and date without living together, or if you feel this R is not saveable (or worth saving) then leave and next time give it a longer time before you move in together. I'd suggest at least dating for a year first. Don't move in before you're ready just for financial or convenience reasons.

[kendahke]

Long story short, my gf (30f) and I (33m) moved in together. It was probably a bit soon (3 months), but my lease was up and I didn't want to look for new roommates/can't really afford my own place.

 

I've added 45 minutes to my work commute, but for the most part things are pretty good. That is until I got sick about two weeks ago, and the antibiotics weren't working, so I didn't sleep and was a bit moody when she bothered me about sleeping in the afternoons (I was on holidays). She works early in the morning, so I slept on the couch to let her get some sleep.

 

I was supposed to renew my license and passport, but didn't because all I wanted to do was sleep.

 

Today she didn't even want to hug or kiss me. I felt like I'd cheated and when I asked her what was wrong, she said that "you haven't kept your plans." Her ex was a deadbeat, so I can understand her worries, and she took two days off during my holidays, one was spent in bed sleeping and the other day it rained.

 

I also had a very low pay because I took two sick days, enough to pay off bills and pay for groceries, but that's about it.

 

I'm back to normal now, but I'm also back to work and I think she was a bit jealous I had days off, but annoyed that I "wasted" them catching up on sleep.

 

I told her I hadn't planned on getting sick, but she doesn't seem to understand.

 

Time to get your self together, find a studio apartment somewhere and get out of her space. You need to take some time to re-evaluate the wisdom in being with her.

[kendahke]

She was wonderfully sweet and loving last Wednesday and then this:

"I should have flutter or be in our "honey moon" phase or something happy, but instead I feel anoyed..- definitely shoulnt feel that way after 4 months...im very indpendant...but I should care what you do...but I don't. I'm not right for you. You deserve better than that and I shoulnt be in a relationship im probably not ready."

 

Yesterday she suggested I find a place and we continue to see each other, but I feel like she's trying to let me down easy.

 

She's not letting you down easy: she's telling you she's done. She doesn't care what you do, she's annoyed with you and she's not right for you.

 

Time to stop investing in her and start investing in your self and your own best interests. She's not the one.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's only been four months. How could I possibly have feelings of love that quickly?

 

How could you possibly move in with someone you don't love? Sounds like you moved in for purely financial reasons and now it's bitten you on your behind.

 

Move out, she's telling you it's over, once you've left the relationship will be over it's just less awkward to tell you that she prefers you to date living separately than it is to end it finally with you while you're still staying at her place.