Walking on eggshells

[davidromero43]

I have a problem. My wife gets upset/ frustrated/ angry couple times a day. Most of the time I can get by with just a sorry. The issues are like, not using a coaster, taking a shower and fogging mirror, not letting dogs out, letting dogs out while raining, breathing hard after exercising, women following me on Instagram, women clicking like on my profile photo, anything I post on any social media, leaving empty bottle on nightstand, not knowing what she wants to eat, buying Christmas gifts too close to Christmas, her bikini not fitting, turning over in bed, eating, and a million other issues. If I can just stop at sorry, she is only mad about 10 minutes, with follow ups like “you don’t really care” “my feelings are obviously not important”. If I try to answer any of those and the issue is escalated to a full blown fight. I respond “I promise not to leave any more empty bottles”. This will get “you have promised before, so you are a liar”. I follow with “I don’t think its worth fighting about”. She follows with “say its not worth fighting about one more GD time!”. At this point she might just cover her ears and start yelling Lalalalalala, or she just might leave and I might not see her until the next day. This didn’t happen before we got married, it started after we got married. We are still fantastic 75% of the time. But I would love to be fantastic 95% of the time.

 

I tried to write a letter to explain how I felt about her being angry so often. This caused WW3 and I was told that I am the problem. That she does nothing wrong. She said she had this same problem with her exhusband and after two failed marriage counselors he didn’t change. She said she thought I was going to be the first man to respect her and not put her down. I asked her what she thought was putting her down. She said “shoving excuses down my throat when I have an issue. I don’t care about anything you have to say. I want to know you are sorry and I just want you to not do it again. I am so tired of you pissing me off all the time. I don’t want to hear any of your f*cking excuses or explanations.”. She says I have poor communication skills and she doesn’t feel like she can express her feelings without me starting a fight. She says I start all the fights because I try to shove an excuse or explanation down her throat, that she doesn’t want to hear.

 

So how do I keep myself calm and not try to fix anything? I am a fixer. So when she says “your shower fogged up the mirror”, I say “sorry, wipe it off with a damp towel”. If I would have just said “sorry”, 10 minutes later everything would be great. But no I can’t stop there. So the response I get is “I don’t need your f*cking excuses. I’m sick of them. How about you not be a narcissistic jack*ss, and take your shower when nobody is getting ready for work. You just can’t help yourself, you have to start another fight and ruin my day. Thanks!”. But if I just say “sorry”, I feel like I’m going to explode inside. If I can just keep only saying “sorry”, which is about twice a day, we are fantastic. But if I can’t, it is three days of hell. It is so frustrating to me that I can’t try to resolve anything.

[Mr Carson]

I feel bad for you Bro, this is no way to live, no one can live up to that.

[carhill]

Try reading a book called 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'. It's designed for partners or carers of people with BPD but offers good tips to manage such behaviors in most any situation.

 

Sometimes, agreeing and redirecting without any apology works too. Try it. Actively work to accept the real and move away from being solution-oriented. Life is imperfect and sometimes a solution isn't possible or important. Go with it.

[elaine567]

women following me on Instagram, women clicking like on my profile photo

 

see what I did?

[Lunay]

That is awful, I don't know how you live that way.

 

Personally it sounds like she has some issues, those are all very small things that in the end don't mean anything... Are you sure she isn't depressed? She sounds very irritable.

[Brigit]

We are still fantastic 75% of the time. But I would love to be fantastic 95% of the time.

 

 

If you're fantastic 75% of the time how is it "you're walking on eggshells?"

[No Limit]

If you're fantastic 75% of the time how is it "you're walking on eggshells?"

 

They're only fantastic if he doesn't talk back. If he does it's 3 days of hell and him getting resentful.

 

Maybe you should record a few of those fights over a week and then let her listen to them. If she thinks it's perfectly alright, then you have a problem.

[Acacia98]

Sounds like you're in an abusive relationship, davidromero43, and you're the one being abused. I think she would react the same way even if you were 200% perfect.

[berniev]

I have a problem. My wife gets upset/ frustrated/ angry couple times a day. Most of the time I can get by with just a sorry. The issues are like, not using a coaster, taking a shower and fogging mirror, not letting dogs out, letting dogs out while raining, breathing hard after exercising, women following me on Instagram, women clicking like on my profile photo, anything I post on any social media, leaving empty bottle on nightstand, not knowing what she wants to eat, buying Christmas gifts too close to Christmas, her bikini not fitting, turning over in bed, eating, and a million other issues. If I can just stop at sorry, she is only mad about 10 minutes, with follow ups like “you don’t really care” “my feelings are obviously not important”. If I try to answer any of those and the issue is escalated to a full blown fight. I respond “I promise not to leave any more empty bottles”. This will get “you have promised before, so you are a liar”. I follow with “I don’t think its worth fighting about”. She follows with “say its not worth fighting about one more GD time!”. At this point she might just cover her ears and start yelling Lalalalalala, or she just might leave and I might not see her until the next day. This didn’t happen before we got married, it started after we got married. We are still fantastic 75% of the time. But I would love to be fantastic 95% of the time.

 

I tried to write a letter to explain how I felt about her being angry so often. This caused WW3 and I was told that I am the problem. That she does nothing wrong. She said she had this same problem with her exhusband and after two failed marriage counselors he didn’t change. She said she thought I was going to be the first man to respect her and not put her down. I asked her what she thought was putting her down. She said “shoving excuses down my throat when I have an issue. I don’t care about anything you have to say. I want to know you are sorry and I just want you to not do it again. I am so tired of you pissing me off all the time. I don’t want to hear any of your f*cking excuses or explanations.”. She says I have poor communication skills and she doesn’t feel like she can express her feelings without me starting a fight. She says I start all the fights because I try to shove an excuse or explanation down her throat, that she doesn’t want to hear.

 

So how do I keep myself calm and not try to fix anything? I am a fixer. So when she says “your shower fogged up the mirror”, I say “sorry, wipe it off with a damp towel”. If I would have just said “sorry”, 10 minutes later everything would be great. But no I can’t stop there. So the response I get is “I don’t need your f*cking excuses. I’m sick of them. How about you not be a narcissistic jack*ss, and take your shower when nobody is getting ready for work. You just can’t help yourself, you have to start another fight and ruin my day. Thanks!”. But if I just say “sorry”, I feel like I’m going to explode inside. If I can just keep only saying “sorry”, which is about twice a day, we are fantastic. But if I can’t, it is three days of hell. It is so frustrating to me that I can’t try to resolve anything.

 

LOL. You are this way because YOU allowed her to treat you this way.

 

Tell her that she needs to stop being a mother and stop complaining about those trivial things. Every time she talks to you like a mother, call on her and make her apologize and have her fix the issue since she talked to you without respect or you will not fix the issue until the end of time. Most likely she will say she treats you that way because you are such a baby. You should counter with "I may be a baby but it still doesn't give you the right to talk to me this way. My mom introduce girlfriends to me. So she's allowed to talk to me that way. You are my wife, and you aren't allowed to talk to me that way."

 

Start picking on her. She can't be a saint and must have something that you can't stand. Return the favor and see how that works out. Use her tone of voice and let her see how that works out.

 

Also tell her next time she leaves the fight, don't come back. Couples need to stay and work out the issues together.

Edited June 18, 2015 by berniev

[oldshirt]

I agree this is emotional abuse. It is bad behavior on the part of the wife. He could be scrapping gold nuggets and she would put him down and call him names because the glare off the gold was getting in her eyes.

 

 

What you you advise your daughter do if she was being treated this way? - Do that.

 

 

If she was treating you like a decent human being when you were living in separate households and were dating, then go back to living in separate households and date again if you still want to have her around.

 

Divorce her. Live in separate homes. And as long as she treats you respectfully and as long as she still puts out, you can take her out on Sat night dates.

 

That way she doesn't have to worry about fogged mirrors and she can wash her own damn laundry.

 

If while dating she starts running her yap and bitching all the time, or if she stops putting out, then you can dump her for good.

[Davey L]

The more you put up with it the more you will get as she pushes it further and further. Push back and have the big row that is long overdue.

 

I used to get that kind of **** and the more I tried to "improve" my behaviour the worse it got. Eventually I just realised it wasn't worth it and stopped bothering. If I left a teacup on the table and she got upset with it I didn't give a damn. Then, quite quickly, she stopped this complaining nonsense.

[jen1447]

So what part are you leaving out dave?

 

 

 

j/k, you seem like a good guy but there are always at least two sides to every story, and ppl are rarely just blatantly evil to the core.

[xxoo]

Instead of passiveness or defensiveness, try humor.

 

She's upset about a fogged up shower?

 

"Sometimes a man needs to fog up a shower."

 

"Do you think it's a ghost?"

 

"It did get a little steamy in there during my shower" winkwink, nudgenudge

 

Basically, defuse with humor. And then ask her how she prevents the shower from fogging up when she showers, because that's mad skillz!

 

Just remember that you aren't limited to a passive or defensive response. You can have a non-reactive response, but still respond. If she gets more angry and yells, tell her you'd be happy to discuss it with her when she's calmer, but the current conversation is unproductive.

[central]

You either stop apologizing and call her out on her abusive behavior (which could include insistence on MC or IC), or you divorce her (or do so if counseling doesn't work).

[davidromero43]

It isn't all the time. It might be 10 to 20 minutes a day. And if I just say sorry, its over and I get kisses. But I never know when it is going to happen. Thus the walking on eggshells. We could be watching a movie and wrapped up in each other. Then out of nowhere she will say "when was the last time you cleaned the toilet in the guest bathroom?". I use it the most. I'll say "no idea". Which gets "I looked today and it is nasty. How can you live like this? Can you go clean it?". I'll say "right now?". This will piss her off to the moon. The night will be over.

 

She doesn't call me names, probably the worst name was narcissistic jacka*s. Probably the worst time was when I said she had hurt my feelings. I don't remember what was said, but I followed with something like "I bet you would cheat on me" and she followed "I would f*ck another man right now if I could, just to piss you off". Then she started recording with her phone. I'm crying and screaming like a mad man. My face is all red, tears streaming, voice shaking. I'm telling her we need couples counseling. I can't live like this. I'm not happy. Of course the video is only me. She has played it for me a few times to show me that I am the problem.

 

Humor never works, that will speed it up every time.

 

I tried to point out after she got out of the shower that the mirror was fogged. That was a big mistake. She said I was deflecting my issue on her and trying to start a fight. It was a fight.

 

Everyone says we are perfect. My family loves her. Her family loves me. My Mom thinks she is more than fantastic. I just hate the stress.

[carhill]

We could be watching a movie and wrapped up in each other. Then out of nowhere she will say "when was the last time you cleaned the toilet in the guest bathroom?". I use it the most. I'll say "no idea". Which gets "I looked today and it is nasty. How can you live like this? Can you go clean it?". I'll say "right now?". This will piss her off to the moon. The night will be over.

 

If you read that book I suggested, you'll find lots of examples like this. IME, both with caring for a mentally ill person and knowing a BP2'er for 20 years, I've long suspected she has comorbid BPD and what you described is textbook. Whenever I show up, I don't know if she's going to kiss me or throw something at me. When I was caring for the psychotic, it was more which delusions or hallucinations ruled her that day. Some days were good.

 

Feel like you're going crazy? Yup!

[central]

So you're okay with emotional manipulation, emotional blackmail, and controlling, abusive behaviors? Gosh, it's only 20 minutes a day of hell, after all, so that makes it okay, I guess. Would you be okay with 20 minutes a day of physical abuse, too? Where's the line for declaring the relationship is unhealthy, and your acceptance is unhealthy? It's obvious she doesn't respect you now, and that will only get worse the longer you put up with this. And, as she threatened, she may well cheat on you when the respect is gone, if she isn't already.

 

 

Wise up - and fix this or get out.

[Brigit]

If you read that book I suggested, you'll find lots of examples like this. IME, both with caring for a mentally ill person and knowing a BP2'er for 20 years, I've long suspected she has comorbid BPD and what you described is textbook. Whenever I show up, I don't know if she's going to kiss me or throw something at me. When I was caring for the psychotic, it was more which delusions or hallucinations ruled her that day. Some days were good.

 

Feel like you're going crazy? Yup!

 

 

She might have BPD. Who knows? Was she ever diagnosed with this disorder?

[Brigit]

She might have BPD. Who knows? Was she ever diagnosed with this disorder?

 

If she has BPD here is a very good talk:

 

[davidromero43]

So you're okay with emotional manipulation, emotional blackmail, and controlling, abusive behaviors? Gosh, it's only 20 minutes a day of hell, after all, so that makes it okay, I guess. Would you be okay with 20 minutes a day of physical abuse, too? Where's the line for declaring the relationship is unhealthy, and your acceptance is unhealthy? It's obvious she doesn't respect you now, and that will only get worse the longer you put up with this. And, as she threatened, she may well cheat on you when the respect is gone, if she isn't already.

 

 

Wise up - and fix this or get out.

 

She says i am the one making the relationship unhealthy. I sat her down and told her I would really work on not having an excuse or explanation when she gets angry. She said she hopes so because she is on the edge of giving up on us. I then said what can you change to fix us? She said "nothing. I'm not doing anything wrong. You have to stop pissing me off and starting fights with your excuses and explanations. I can't keep going like this.".

 

It is so hard for me to just say sorry and not follow with some kind of resolution, or justification, or fix.

[xxoo]

She says i am the one making the relationship unhealthy. I sat her down and told her I would really work on not having an excuse or explanation when she gets angry. She said she hopes so because she is on the edge of giving up on us. I then said what can you change to fix us? She said "nothing. I'm not doing anything wrong. You have to stop pissing me off and starting fights with your excuses and explanations. I can't keep going like this.".

 

It is so hard for me to just say sorry and not follow with some kind of resolution, or justification, or fix.

 

What if you acknowledge her complaint, and leave it at that?

 

"Foggy mirror. Check. I'll look for that next time."

[davidromero43]

What if you acknowledge her complaint, and leave it at that?

 

"Foggy mirror. Check. I'll look for that next time."

 

Thats what she wants. But I always add something like "wipe it with a towel" or "I have to get ready too", and thats the issue she has. She wants me to say "sorry I fogged the mirror, I won't do it again" and nothing else. Anything else she says is insulting her. But I feel I'm going to explode if I don't say "I have to get ready too" or "just wipe it with a towel".

[Brigit]

Thats what she wants. But I always add something like "wipe it with a towel" or "I have to get ready too", and thats the issue she has. She wants me to say "sorry I fogged the mirror, I won't do it again" and nothing else. Anything else she says is insulting her. But I feel I'm going to explode if I don't say "I have to get ready too" or "just wipe it with a towel".

 

It does sound like you're being abused.

[GorillaTheater]

Thats what she wants. But I always add something like "wipe it with a towel" or "I have to get ready too", and thats the issue she has. She wants me to say "sorry I fogged the mirror, I won't do it again" and nothing else. Anything else she says is insulting her. But I feel I'm going to explode if I don't say "I have to get ready too" or "just wipe it with a towel".

 

Start practicing this: "I'm sorry you feel that way", and walking off.

 

I'll tell you man, you're putting up with a lot of unreasonable bullsh*t here.

[sandylee1]

I don't know how you live like this. These are very trivial things. My H never cleans the toilet, but I can't be arguing over it , life's too short for that.

 

Are you meant to wipe the mirror once you get out of the shower?

Because it will defog by itself.

 

I hate to say it, but assuming you don't leave all the housework for her , then she is behaving a bit obsessive.

 

I really don't like it when people refuse to accept any blame or responsibility for anything.

 

Maybe this is why the Ex couldn't cope with her. My H would just ignore me if I did this and her leaving the house? Till the next day? Is something going on here?