Nony101 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Hello there, I'm back again, which of course means there's a problem. I'm going to ask that you ignore my previous posts when responding to this one, and merely take this one at face value. All that aside, I'm married now. It's been just a hair under a year. Things aren't going great, at least I don't think so. She seems fairly oblivious. I've brought up that we seem to have issues a few times in the course of our few months, but I'm always shot down. The "bad times" where I feel negative about my marriage far outweigh the good. Honestly, I'm not really sure why I even got married. it pains me to say this, but I just feel more alone than I ever have. It's like living with a teenager who doesn't really help out around the house, but who is your Mom and tells you what can and can't do. My marriage lacks any sort of excitement or newness. You would think we've been married for 60 years. There's no intimacy. I got more physical action when we were dating/engaged than I do now. We waited until we were married for sex, and we're less than a year into this, you'd think we'd be all over each other. We have sex 1-2 times a month. It's not nearly enough for me, but if I bring it up, I'm suddenly the bad guy. She doesn't really pay any attention to me. She doesn't help me with the house, but complains about it constantly. It's dirty, or there aren't any clean dishes or she doesn't have clean clothes. I do more loads of laundry in one night than she's done in our whole marriage. Look, I do love her, but I don't know how to fix this. This is partially why I'm here. I'm not perfect, and I know that I'm most likely the problem. I'm trying to figure out where to start. Gentlemen, please remind me why it is we give up the single life? What is going through our heads when we give up our homes, money, lives, etc. for this? I was happy, doing pretty well for myself, could buy the things I wanted, and do whatever I wanted. Now I'm not happy, poor, and am not allowed to do anything (for risk of being guilted into staying home or her being mad at me). Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Get the hell away from this woman. Classic marriage bait and switch. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Hello there, I'm back again, which of course means there's a problem. I'm going to ask that you ignore my previous posts when responding to this one, and merely take this one at face value. All that aside, I'm married now. It's been just a hair under a year. Things aren't going great, at least I don't think so. She seems fairly oblivious. I've brought up that we seem to have issues a few times in the course of our few months, but I'm always shot down. The "bad times" where I feel negative about my marriage far outweigh the good. Honestly, I'm not really sure why I even got married. it pains me to say this, but I just feel more alone than I ever have. It's like living with a teenager who doesn't really help out around the house, but who is your Mom and tells you what can and can't do. My marriage lacks any sort of excitement or newness. You would think we've been married for 60 years. There's no intimacy. I got more physical action when we were dating/engaged than I do now. We waited until we were married for sex, and we're less than a year into this, you'd think we'd be all over each other. We have sex 1-2 times a month. It's not nearly enough for me, but if I bring it up, I'm suddenly the bad guy. She doesn't really pay any attention to me. She doesn't help me with the house, but complains about it constantly. It's dirty, or there aren't any clean dishes or she doesn't have clean clothes. I do more loads of laundry in one night than she's done in our whole marriage. Look, I do love her, but I don't know how to fix this. This is partially why I'm here. I'm not perfect, and I know that I'm most likely the problem. I'm trying to figure out where to start. Gentlemen, please remind me why it is we give up the single life? What is going through our heads when we give up our homes, money, lives, etc. for this? I was happy, doing pretty well for myself, could buy the things I wanted, and do whatever I wanted. Now I'm not happy, poor, and am not allowed to do anything (for risk of being guilted into staying home or her being mad at me). We should never believe the opposition party. Once they are in power, they will not fulfill their promises. LOL 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nony101 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Get the hell away from this woman. Classic marriage bait and switch. Would you mind expanding on your response? I mean, it seems like I got duped (I get that part), but what advantage would that give her? That's what I don't understand. I know she can be selfish, but what does marrying me do for her? She could've just lived at home for the rest of her life and let her Mom and Dad do the same thing I'm doing for her, except they're quite a bit more well off than me. You know what I mean? Why put in all that effort of planning a wedding, etc. when she wouldn't have to. She keeps talking about having kids, I told her I'm not ready. Truthfully, I am ready, but as my potential child's father, I'm honestly not sure she's mature enough. She just seems too selfish to be a mother right now. If we shared the marriage workload (both physically and emotionally) I think I would feel differently. It just makes me sad for the most part. All of these couples got married around the same time we did. I know Facebook always seems to be a false reality, but all of these same couples seem really happy with each other and their marriage, but I'm just really not. Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Hello there, I'm back again, which of course means there's a problem. I'm going to ask that you ignore my previous posts when responding to this one, and merely take this one at face value. All that aside, I'm married now. It's been just a hair under a year. Things aren't going great, at least I don't think so. She seems fairly oblivious. I've brought up that we seem to have issues a few times in the course of our few months, but I'm always shot down. The "bad times" where I feel negative about my marriage far outweigh the good. Honestly, I'm not really sure why I even got married. it pains me to say this, but I just feel more alone than I ever have. It's like living with a teenager who doesn't really help out around the house, but who is your Mom and tells you what can and can't do. My marriage lacks any sort of excitement or newness. You would think we've been married for 60 years. There's no intimacy. I got more physical action when we were dating/engaged than I do now. We waited until we were married for sex, and we're less than a year into this, you'd think we'd be all over each other. We have sex 1-2 times a month. It's not nearly enough for me, but if I bring it up, I'm suddenly the bad guy. She doesn't really pay any attention to me. She doesn't help me with the house, but complains about it constantly. It's dirty, or there aren't any clean dishes or she doesn't have clean clothes. I do more loads of laundry in one night than she's done in our whole marriage. Look, I do love her, but I don't know how to fix this. This is partially why I'm here. I'm not perfect, and I know that I'm most likely the problem. I'm trying to figure out where to start. Gentlemen, please remind me why it is we give up the single life? What is going through our heads when we give up our homes, money, lives, etc. for this? I was happy, doing pretty well for myself, could buy the things I wanted, and do whatever I wanted. Now I'm not happy, poor, and am not allowed to do anything (for risk of being guilted into staying home or her being mad at me). If you don't fight for yourself, nobody will! Does she make more money than you do? The answer to that would affect how I answer your question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Carson Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 You need MC, don't have kids yet, get this sorted out. She needs to understand it's not 50/50 in a marriage it's 100/100 It takes 100% effort form you both, if you're going to have any chance of making it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Wow. Out of the frying pan into the hell-fire of marriage! At this point you can divorce her without too many financial repercussions. Certainly don't have children with her, and get out ASAP. Next time, either don't marry, or wait a few years after you start having sex to see what the sexual frequency baseline actually is after the "falling in love" hormones wear off after about 2 years. Of course, waiting also helps establish that you are compatible in a variety of ways. If you have any doubts at all after taking your time, do not get married - move on and try again with someone else. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nony101 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Thanks you for your replies! I'm going to start looking into counseling. I know she will be opposed, as she has been when I've brought it up before. I used to be that 100 percent person, but recently I've kind of checked out. My depression hasn't helped that either. I know I can do better, because the first few months I was. However, it's hard to keep that up when your partner isn't pulling her weight. I make more than she does, however she works more hours than I do (although, I'm salaried). She's also home more than me because she has shorter commute times. I had a house, my car paid off, debt free (besides my mortgage). I was pretty self-sufficient. So I guess going from being totally free, to having to be accountable to someone constantly has been a difficult transition for me. I think I'm going to go to counseling by myself for awhile, then ask her to join me. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Get the hell away from this woman. Classic marriage bait and switch. Except that she was always this way with him. OP, you should marry someone who respects you. She doesn't. I can't answer for you why *you* got married in the first place, but I do think mutual respect is essential to a happy marriage. The question for you now is why you're sticking around. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nony101 Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) I think you are right. A lot of how I feel comes from the lack of respect I feel. I know I am supposed to be the leader of our family, but when I make decisions or lead in general, she doesn't respect that. She very much wants to be in control and wear the pants, despite literally saying otherwise. I guess I'm sticking around because divorce isn't easy, and not really something I want to do. I made a promise, and I always try to keep my promises. I may be miserable, but at least I have that. Please don't take any offense to that, I'm sure my tune could change a while from now. Edited June 17, 2015 by Nony101 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Tell her to wash her own clothes. How lazy is she. Have you thought about MC. Tell your wife you're not happy and every time you bring your concerns to her you get shot down . Tell her this is pushing you away and causing resentment. You feel without any improvement , this marriage is headed for divorce . If she doesn't listen and take action ,she probably doesn't care and that's your cue to end it. If my husband said that to me, I would sit close, hold his hand and assure him we can work on this for the better, then take immediate action . It's about the two of us getting the best from our marriage. I haven't read your other posts , so I've taken this one at face value . 4 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) I think you are right. A lot of how I feel comes from the lack of respect I feel. I know I am supposed to be the leader of our family, but when I make decisions or lead in general, she doesn't respect that. She very much wants to be in control and wear the pants, despite literally saying otherwise. I guess I'm sticking around because divorce isn't easy, and not really something I want to do. I made a promise, and I always try to keep my promises. I may be miserable, but at least I have that. Please don't take any offense to that, I'm sure my tune could change a while from now. Here's the thing. You will NOT be able to satisfy a woman, definitely not by complying to her every whim. You won't even be able to keep up with her whim. So don't even bother. In fact, the more compliant you are, the less respect you will get. How much respect do you have for a yes-man? Nobody respects the yes-man. Respect is earned. People don't automatically respect you. Learn to say No and stand your ground! It's perfectly fine to tell her to back off. Establish some of your boundaries. For example, one of mine is "Don't give me your opinion about how I do things unless it's related to fashion," or in short, don't be my mother. It's a constant "fight" to tell her to back off as they always come back at you. Pick up the socks, you are too messy, you should do this or that etc... The answer to that is :"Yes, I know I am being a baby, and you just have to get used to it. By the way, you aren't saint either." I highly suggest you to pick on her too. You need to return the favor so that the fight is not always about you. I bet she has some habits that you can't stand. So use them and make compromises. For example, if she does A, you can do B, then both of you would improve, or neither one of you should pick on each other. Since you make more money, if I were you, I would stand firmly that she needs to do more house chores; otherwise where is her contribution to the family? You aren't her sugar daddy, are you? At least the sugar daddy gets sex anytime he wants. I don't know how to get more sex for you as I am battling that myself. :-( Don't mention divorce at least you plan to follow through. Empty threat goes empty very quickly. Edited June 17, 2015 by berniev Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Cut down on the sex entirely - your divorce will go far more smoothly without children involved. Oh, and yes, you should get out of that marriage ASAP. She's grooming you to be her doormat. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I think you are right. A lot of how I feel comes from the lack of respect I feel. I know I am supposed to be the leader of our family, but when I make decisions or lead in general, she doesn't respect that. She very much wants to be in control and wear the pants, despite literally saying otherwise. I guess I'm sticking around because divorce isn't easy, and not really something I want to do. I made a promise, and I always try to keep my promises. I may be miserable, but at least I have that. Please don't take any offense to that, I'm sure my tune could change a while from now. No, you are not supposed to be the leader of your family. You are a co-chair. You need to work things out with your other co-chair, your wife. So decisions need to be discussed before they are made; you have to compromise from time to time. That's the modern marriage. If you don't like that, stay single or become a Muslim. Link to post Share on other sites
jsp32020 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Mr. Carson that album is one of my all time favs... I just had to say that Not to get off topic, it sounds like you got a lemon. Get counseling if not, time to go. I know for myself in my relationship on it's bad days I do sit around and ask myself the same thing, I often miss my old single life, not so much even the freedom to date as much as just the peace of mind. We're pretty much functioning as if we're married but we're not. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Cut down on the sex entirely - your divorce will go far more smoothly without children involved. Oh, and yes, you should get out of that marriage ASAP. She's grooming you to be her doormat. that about sums it up Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Cut down on the sex entirely - your divorce will go far more smoothly without children involved. Oh, and yes, you should get out of that marriage ASAP. She's grooming you to be her doormat. Every woman will try to groom us to be her doormat. That's how women are - they want to control. It's up to us to fight through that. Again, if we don't like that, stay single or become a Muslim. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Can I ask, what were your reasons for marrying her? Specifically why did you decide you wanted to be married and what you hoped to get from a marriage with her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Every woman will try to groom us to be her doormat. That's how women are - they want to control. It's up to us to fight through that. Again, if we don't like that, stay single or become a Muslim. :-) This is a fallacy. Some girls want a doormat. Actual women would never stay with a man who was a doormat. If you don't like it, try dating better women. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 (edited) This is a fallacy. Some girls want a doormat. Actual women would never stay with a man who was a doormat. If you don't like it, try dating better women. LOL. Actually nobody wants a doormat but they will try to mold you into a doormat. As soon as you are close to be or become a doormat, they would dump you for the pot smoking wife beating ex-con neighbor because you aren't "exciting" anymore. Not literally but you get my point. Edited June 17, 2015 by berniev Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 LOL. Actually nobody wants a doormat but they will try to mold you into a doormat. As soon as you are close to be or become a doormat, they would dump you for the pot smoking wife beating ex-con neighbor you have because you aren't "exciting" anymore. No. Some girls want a doormat. I know them. I watch them treat their SO like sh-t bevause they are spoiled and entitled and no one ever told them it's not all about them. I would dump a dude for being a doormat. But I wouldn't walk right into a swinging fist. That's poor judgement. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Marriage is a death sentence for men today, both financially and sexually (for the most part). Only two words are needed: GET. OUT. Talk to a lawyer first, though. Make sure all your ducks are in a row, and don't get married again! Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 OP I think you should act immediately and talk to her. The reason I say is cause I think you're wasting your time communicating your feelings as well as seeking marriage counseling. Those things only work when 2 people love each other. I don't even think she likes you to be honest. I know you're trying to avoid the advice to divorce ASAP, but that's the right advice. The sooner you talk to her about it and seek marriage counseling, the sooner you'll get that out the way and proceed with the divorce. The longer you stall the more time goes by and the deeper you get into this marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I think you are right. A lot of how I feel comes from the lack of respect I feel. I know I am supposed to be the leader of our family, but when I make decisions or lead in general, she doesn't respect that. She very much wants to be in control and wear the pants, despite literally saying otherwise. I guess I'm sticking around because divorce isn't easy, and not really something I want to do. I made a promise, and I always try to keep my promises. I may be miserable, but at least I have that. Please don't take any offense to that, I'm sure my tune could change a while from now. Nony, It sounds like your wife is very immature. You should not be doing all the laundry and the dishes and then not having sex. You are both young and newly married, you should be having a lot more sex. It is not going to get any better, more likely it will get worse. You said you are sticking around because divorce isn't easy. Do you think it will be any easier after 5 years? Will it be any easier after you have kids? The answer is NO. I admire you for wanting to keep a promise, but do you plan on remaining miserable for the rest of your life? Your promise looks like it was probably more like a mistake. We all make mistakes. Please do not blame yourself for this. It is not your fault. I do think some IC might help you to realize that this is not a marriage, at least not a functional one. You might want to check out the thread....Resentful about so many years of crappy sex GetSmarter said, "Now here I am .. I just turned 50. My youngest is going to college this year and I guess I just realized that I'm no longer bound to her. The last 20 years has been a long series of quickies and 3 minutes handjobs every 3-4 weeks. In between, I spent my prime sexual years mostly masturbating to get off. Now that I'm 50, my drive is still good, but it's not what it was. I had tried everything I could think of over those 20 years to get things on track. I was exemplary with chores around the house, I was attentive to her emotional needs as far as I could anticipate them, and even if I do say so myself - I've kept myself in outstanding shape (although that was more for me)." His oldest is going to college and he is now planning to divorce his wife. Do you want this to be you? You deserve much better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Every woman will try to groom us to be her doormat. That's how women are - they want to control. It's up to us to fight through that. Again, if we don't like that, stay single or become a Muslim. :-) Untrue. I don't like weak men. I couldn't be with a man who was a pushover. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts