nucking_futs Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Ok, so about 5 months ago I had an EA affair with wife's BF...... Both the BF and I hid this from her for 8 weeks. basically lying and saying we were not texting. Well, once the texting went to talking on the phone and meeting up somewhere, BF blew it open showing wife everything and apologizing to wife. Wife is/was pissed for a few weeks... really does not trust BF and does not trust me. BF tries to get wife to leave me..... But wife refuses.... BF cannot understand why she won't . Funny thing during the EA, BF and I were stoking each others ego's it was great, after the D-Day BF now hates me.... oh well who cares.... Wife will not cut BF off, I don't know if it's because she wants to keep an eye on both of us or what the deal is .... they do not spend much time together except the phone. Wife still watches BF friend dog when she is away.... its crazy, I cannot get this women out of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Well you causes this mess and now your just going to have to deal with it and try to repair your marriage. I suggest you do all you can to avoid the OW. I would not put myself in any kind of a situation to cause doubt. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 How many times do you have to post this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 Sorry... did not know I did Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Am I missing something? You had an affair with your wife's boyfriend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 BF best friend Link to post Share on other sites
MM1234 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I feel sorry for your wife, she definitely got a double whammy...not only did her husband have an EA, but with her best friend to boot! Unfortunately, your poor wife is trying her hardest to control the situation by keeping in contact with this so called friend. Until your wife realizes that this so called friend is not a friend to the marriage, you will continue to see this lady around. What are you doing to repair the damage you have caused? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 (edited) No contact since D-Day Do not mention OW Trying to reassure Gave all passwords to wife ( except a work password) IC CC on the other hand wife shows me pics of OW tells me what she is doing asks if I miss her continues talking to her and watching her dog says she thinks it would have gone PA * OW is not real stable in how she treats wife and the things she says to her when she is mad at her .... or every once in awhile, brings it up again * I have never cheated in 20 years until now. * Ow started texting me about presents to get wife... it snowballed.... we were really not to a PA just yet.... I said some awful things about wife.... OW uses it now to beat her up with the info... Such as saying " i promised him I would not tell you some things " or " I could have done this or that but I didn't" strange friendship. Edited June 16, 2015 by nucking_futs add more Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 No contact since D-Day Do not mention OW Trying to reassure Gave all passwords to wife ( except a work password) IC CC on the other hand wife shows me pics of OW tells me what she is doing asks if I miss her continues talking to her and watching her dog says she thinks it would have gone PA * OW is not real stable in how she treats wife and the things she says to her when she is mad at her .... or every once in awhile, brings it up again * I have never cheated in 20 years until now. * Ow started texting me about presents to get wife... it snowballed.... we were really not to a PA just yet.... I said some awful things about wife.... OW uses it now to beat her up with the info... Such as saying " i promised him I would not tell you some things " or " I could have done this or that but I didn't" strange friendship. Do you love your wife? Do you want to stay married ? Why did you say such horrible things about your wife? Are you truly remorseful or is just because you were exposed? I think your wife is keeping the enemy close and trying to ascertain if you still have feelings for her Try putting yourself in your wife's position and ask yourself what you'd want her to do, to show how remorseful she is and to try and help you heal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 I was drunk when I said the horrible things... such as she trapped my with pregnancy..... OW would ask me if talking to her made me want to have an affair... Wife long before the affair wife was telling OW about our sex life, sent a few pics of me.... Wife would ask me if I was texting her I would lie, OW would lie as well.... OW promised she would not tell her....but she did...... told wife she made dr. appointments for me... OW told everyone in our circle of friends... told my sons girlfriend....told her friends ..her mom.... her sister... Threatened to out me by posting texts on facebook. Says I messed with her emotions....etc.... I want to stay married... I love my wife... honestly it is better now... but wife will not cut her loose... therapist says cut her loose she cant do it... I think they are co-dependant. I was molested as child, OW was molested as child , we talked to each other about it..... thats the stuff she will not tell wife.... Wife thinks we are both crazy.... she's probably right. its a mess Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I want to stay married... I love my wife... honestly it is better now... but wife will not cut her loose... therapist says cut her loose she cant do it... But....I thought you'd been trapped into your marriage by your wife because she got pregnant apparently all by herself? Here's your chance to escape those bonds! Run like the wind, man!! So YOU choose to act like a horse's ass with your wife's best friend, and now your wife is supposed to be forced to lose that friend? She's supposed to keep you but lose her friend, even though you're both EQUALLY at fault? I think the wife should lose her husband, instead. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I was drunk when I said the horrible things... such as she trapped my with pregnancy..... OW would ask me if talking to her made me want to have an affair... Wife long before the affair wife was telling OW about our sex life, sent a few pics of me.... Wife would ask me if I was texting her I would lie, OW would lie as well.... OW promised she would not tell her....but she did...... told wife she made dr. appointments for me... OW told everyone in our circle of friends... told my sons girlfriend....told her friends ..her mom.... her sister... Threatened to out me by posting texts on facebook. Says I messed with her emotions....etc.... I want to stay married... I love my wife... honestly it is better now... but wife will not cut her loose... therapist says cut her loose she cant do it, because she can't trust either of you. I think they are co-dependant. I was molested as child, OW was molested as child , we talked to each other about it..... thats the stuff she will not tell wife.... Wife thinks we are both crazy.... she's probably right. its a mess You knew fully well what you said when you were drunk. Were you trying to impress your wife's BF or something? I suggest you tell your wife EVERYTHING you said to the OW. There should be no secrets between you and her friend. Examine your boundaries and don't make such choices again . It's a sign of weakness . Why did you feel it was okay to start this affair? To betray your wife with her friend like this? And if OW offered sex I think you'd have gone for it. Your wife probably thinks this too , and maybe that's why she keeps OW close. Don't ever think a woman prepared to betray her friend this way will keep your secrets. She has no morals. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 the affair started by OW texting me and telling me I was being mean to wife... Then we started to text daily... I don't even remember all that was said..... some of it was not about wife.... once we started talking on the phone... and discussing a meeting place I think the OW freaked out and got scared... who knows... It was just a game to me... sure I would have went PA ..... but I was only looking for a fling... why wanted to do it.... is why I'm in IC I love my wife, but might be going through some things .... wanting attention from other women. I agree wife does not trust either of us and if we are still close to her she can monitor the situation. Of course wife broke some boundaries as well. Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 You three are freaking 3 year old babies!!! Why can't you be mature enough to tell them: "Hey, wife, I love you. My thing with your BFF doesn't really affect my love to you. Think about this, you two are friends. So you two share some of the same qualities and taste that I appreciate it. It's perfectly normal for me to like both of you, and for her to like me." "Hey, BFF, I like you. I do have a commitment to my wife. Let's just be friends from this point on, and you two can go back for being friends too unless you can persuade her to accept you in a three way." Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 I don't think the 3-way would be an option..... I mean of course I would do it, but if wife was not fully on board , it's not worth it to me. I have already hurt her. I just need to get over my selfish ways. It is difficult for me to get over OW when she is still around... but apparently it is for her that I'm still around... so maybe this is wife's way of getting back at both. Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I don't think the 3-way would be an option..... I mean of course I would do it, but if wife was not fully on board , it's not worth it to me. I have already hurt her. I just need to get over my selfish ways. It is difficult for me to get over OW when she is still around... but apparently it is for her that I'm still around... so maybe this is wife's way of getting back at both. Like I said, 3 year old babies, all of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 Well I guess I will just have to live with the fact that I cannot always get what I want... and there are consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 Do you feel ANY remorse at all? Do you truly care about anyone but yourself? You sound flip about the whole thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 I don't think it really hurt wife's feelings all that much..... she still has OW around, so if it mean much to her how could she be in contact with her ? Also when this went down, OW was telling her to leave me... and she did not, at least not yet... OW berates her, telling her " I could have slept with your husband" " I will text him if I want to " Of course then they get over the fight and are friends again. They are crazier than I am. Therapist told them they are co-dependent.... I mean really, she watches OW animal for crying out loud... that's like her having an EA with my friend and I go mow his yard..... hell no... he would be gone... So really until she dumps her nothing will change. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I don't think it really hurt wife's feelings all that much..... she still has OW around, so if it mean much to her how could she be in contact with her ? Also when this went down, OW was telling her to leave me... and she did not, at least not yet... OW berates her, telling her " I could have slept with your husband" " I will text him if I want to " Of course then they get over the fight and are friends again. They are crazier than I am. Therapist told them they are co-dependent.... I mean really, she watches OW animal for crying out loud... that's like her having an EA with my friend and I go mow his yard..... hell no... he would be gone... So really until she dumps her nothing will change. None of that answers my question. How do you feel about YOUR unfaithfulness? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 I feel like I wish I had never had the EA....I also feel that wife is having an EA with OW..... women are hard to figure out. Our marriage has been great at times and not so great at times. But stayed together for 20 years , likely because of the children. I love my wife , but I also have thoughts of sleeping with other women. I think that's normal... but lately the thoughts are strong... even though I don't know if I would go through with it. having an affair is not worth hurting her or the children.... hell for all I know she has had them as well. And don't tell me all about the emotional stuff... it's purely biological for me... I understand women tend to get very attached to people they are having sex with. Honestly, I just don't know if I want to be married anymore... weighting the pros and cons... Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 the affair started by OW texting me and telling me I was being mean to wife... Then we started to text daily... I don't even remember all that was said..... some of it was not about wife.... once we started talking on the phone... and discussing a meeting place I think the OW freaked out and got scared... who knows... It was just a game to me... sure I would have went PA ..... but I was only looking for a fling... why wanted to do it.... is why I'm in IC I love my wife, but might be going through some things .... wanting attention from other women. I agree wife does not trust either of us and if we are still close to her she can monitor the situation. Of course wife broke some boundaries as well. Your wife shouldn't have spoken to her friend about your relationship and her friend shouldn't have interfered by speaking to you . It's non of her business, but your wife got her involved by confiding in her. That was not a good move, as it just means another woman knows where the weaknesses are in the relationship and can move in. Terrible boundaries all round. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 I don't think it really hurt wife's feelings all that much..... she still has OW around, so if it mean much to her how could she be in contact with her ? Also when this went down, OW was telling her to leave me... and she did not, at least not yet... OW berates her, telling her " I could have slept with your husband" " I will text him if I want to " Of course then they get over the fight and are friends again. They are crazier than I am. Therapist told them they are co-dependent.... I mean really, she watches OW animal for crying out loud... that's like her having an EA with my friend and I go mow his yard..... hell no... he would be gone... So really until she dumps her nothing will change. Like I said ,she could have slept with you, because she saw your weakness. You're not over her and there's no way you'd have turned down a PA. I really don't understand your wife still being her friend , unless she has a plan. Or she just can't live without the both of you . Are you a safe husband for her? I don't get the feeling you won't have another affair in the future. There doesn't seem to be a resounding ' I love my wife and I messed up '. It seems you weren't treating her well before the EA started anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nucking_futs Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 What kind of plan? Once D-Day went down... I have had no contact... other than wife telling things about her and showing me pictures of her.... asking if I miss talking to her she will also ask about me but in a sneaky way..... Wife told her that she is not to talk to me.... I don't think she would.... but if they had a falling out she might as revenge I really don't think I will have another affair.... it's just no worth the hassle.. Wife and I are trying and having great sex but I think some of that is due to her feeling she has to please me, she thinks the EA was partly due to her neglecting me somehow. I think OW just likes the drama and throwing it up to wife that she "could" have... women are catty ..... I just wish we could sit down and hash it out and move on. I thought at first wife would dump her, but I guess not. After the D-Day OW claimed to wife I was stalking her.... she did a 180 on me.... I understand why....I cannot believe this really happened. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 What kind of plan? Once D-Day went down... I have had no contact... other than wife telling things about her and showing me pictures of her.... asking if I miss talking to her she will also ask about me but in a sneaky way..... Wife told her that she is not to talk to me.... I don't think she would.... but if they had a falling out she might as revenge I really don't think I will have another affair.... it's just no worth the hassle.. Wife and I are trying and having great sex but I think some of that is due to her feeling she has to please me, she thinks the EA was partly due to her neglecting me somehow. I think OW just likes the drama and throwing it up to wife that she "could" have... women are catty ..... I just wish we could sit down and hash it out and move on. I thought at first wife would dump her, but I guess not. After the D-Day OW claimed to wife I was stalking her.... she did a 180 on me.... I understand why....I cannot believe this really happened. Some betrayed spouses have a plan to leave the marriage, but need time to sorts themselves out financially. I'm not saying that's what she's doing, but it has happened many times. As a married woman , it must kill to hear another woman say I could have had your husband. Just imagine a man saying that to you . How would you feel ? I think your wife may feel partially responsible for telling her friend about your problems. I bet if she posted on an infidelity forum, people would tell her that was a big mistake. I'd never tell anyone I know about such personal relationship problems. It's a recipe for disaster and has resulted in many affairs. Not really with men telling their friends , but it's women who can't keep shut. I totally agree with you , women can be very catty. If you really want your marriage to work , try reading on how to help your spouse heal after an affair and other such books . Then implement whatyou need to. I personally think I could forgive an EA , but knowing it could have turned to a PA if the OW offered and that my H wouldn't have been able to resist, would play heavily on my mind. Dig deep and do the heavy lifting if you want a successful reconciliation. Be honest with your wife about your feelings and about what went on in the EA. Link to post Share on other sites
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