misty12 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 My sister in law invited H and I along on their family vacation. We have all gone on this same vacation to the same resort in 2009. It would be with her, her husband, their two kids and my mother and father in law. Last September H and I took those 2 kids to Disney world and the niece was a nightmare spoiled brat. I don't want to go on this vacation for several reasons: 1) we are having marital problems and don't sleep in the same bed 2) have been to this resort before and this island 4 times already 3) costs money for airfare and hotel 4) niece is a spoiled brat who is on meds for OCD and defiance disorder. H really wants to go. So now my own family is getting involved and they tell me I'm being selfish for depriving H and the rest of them a nice family vacation. I should just suck it up because that's what you do in a marriage. They don't know that H and I are having problems. His family knows as well that if we don't go it's because I don't want to go. They do know we are having issues. I'm really stuck here, any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Yes. Don't go. To hell with what anyone else thinks. Whose life is it anyway...? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 My sister in law invited H and I along on their family vacation. We have all gone on this same vacation to the same resort in 2009. It would be with her, her husband, their two kids and my mother and father in law. Last September H and I took those 2 kids to Disney world and the niece was a nightmare spoiled brat. I don't want to go on this vacation for several reasons: 1) we are having marital problems and don't sleep in the same bed 2) have been to this resort before and this island 4 times already 3) costs money for airfare and hotel 4) niece is a spoiled brat who is on meds for OCD and defiance disorder. H really wants to go. So now my own family is getting involved and they tell me I'm being selfish for depriving H and the rest of them a nice family vacation. I should just suck it up because that's what you do in a marriage. They don't know that H and I are having problems. His family knows as well that if we don't go it's because I don't want to go. They do know we are having issues. I'm really stuck here, any advice? Misty, I'd ABSOLUTELY, NOT GO. There's NO way I'd be put into that situation. Just the bratty kid is enough, let alone other issues, especially if you and the hubby have issues to deal with. I've done this before, as have friends. Vacation is a time for relaxation and enjoyment (preferably with your SO). NOT a time for babysitting, putting up with a place you don't want to go or just "too many people. I just turned down a trip a few years ago, that would have been a great family outing, but because of some of the issues you mentioned (not even all of them), I didn't go, even though there was pressure to go, and boy, am I glad I didn't go! Would have been hell. Question for you..... how well are you and the hubby communicating? Can you share your feelings with him about this trip and will he understand? Hope so, and hope he supports you. And, I hope you get your issues solved. I've slept in the other bedroom for awhile, and it absolutely SUCKS!. Good luck. I have a firm agreement with my SO now.... no matter how bad the day goes, how much we fight (and we really don't), or disagree, we will put that behind us and cuddle in bed for the night.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 ... Question for you..... how well are you and the hubby communicating? Can you share your feelings with him about this trip and will he understand? Hope so, and hope he supports you. And, I hope you get your issues solved. I've slept in the other bedroom for awhile, and it absolutely SUCKS!. Good luck. Out of her 19 threads, 4 mention divorce. All of them speak of a severe dissatisfaction with her marriage. Why actually she and her H are still together is actually beyond me. But that's just a personal opinion, and not meant as a slight... The trip should be a no-no, and she definitely shouldn't go-go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 If you want to save your marriage, go. If you are well & truly done, stop the façade & get on with your divorce already. Dithering & depriving DH of time with his family & dragging things out just makes it all worse. I didn't read your other threads but this one makes you seem selfish. The fact that you have been to the resort before isn't the point. The point is to spend time reconnecting with family. I imagine the child will be better behaved with her parents & perhaps this could be used as a learning opportunity for the child. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the replies. I forgot to mention we went on a trip with his parents to Bermuda 2 summers ago as well. So that's 3 vacations with his family in the past 6 years. H's brother and his wife don't get pressured to go on these trips because they were saving for their wedding a few years ago, now have a baby etc etc. because we don't have kids we are expected to be available. If I had a baby to take care of no one would ask twice. I do also realize that the marriage itself is a bigger problem than just this one scenario. Edited June 14, 2015 by misty12 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 If you want to save your marriage, go. If you are well & truly done, stop the façade & get on with your divorce already. Dithering & depriving DH of time with his family & dragging things out just makes it all worse. I didn't read your other threads but this one makes you seem selfish. The fact that you have been to the resort before isn't the point. The point is to spend time reconnecting with family. I imagine the child will be better behaved with her parents & perhaps this could be used as a learning opportunity for the child. If the OP wants to save her marriage DON'T GO. There's nothing to be gained by the potential turmoil and difficult with this kind of vacation. IT IS NOT A VACATION, it stress! It could to WAY more damage than help..... this is not a facade, it's being realistic. If you haven't been in this kind of a trip or situation, you should try it.... bring your stress medicine. This is NOT depriving the hubby of anything, nor is it dragging anything out. The jest of this post is the vacation. Now, saving the marriage is another, but with that in jeopardy, the vacation is a disaster waiting to happen. I've been on many many family trips..... mostly my side, because my SO side is small. There are a few times that the logistics and the attendees just don't make it a good mix. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I don't know the whole situation or understand the dynamics of your marriage, but why couldn't your husband go without you? If it's his family and he wants to go but you don't, let him go without you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I don't know the whole situation or understand the dynamics of your marriage, but why couldn't your husband go without you? If it's his family and he wants to go but you don't, let him go without you. It might be a nice break for you if he does go without you. If you go with, the only one getting stressed out will likely be you. Your H will probably think the whole thing was great, even the child with Obsessive Defiance Disorder. Better yet, could you go on a trip someplace you'd like to go with a girl friend or family member? That way you get to relax and take a break from each other. That might be hard for his family to understand, but maybe you need a break from each other and then when he comes back you could start working on your M. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 So that's 3 vacations with his family in the past 6 years. That's one every two years, not a huge obligation. I'd guess feelings about other things are coloring your perceptions of this. One reason for not going is that it's a distraction from the focus on your marriage. Maybe H needs to have a frank discussion with your in-laws about the state of things... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 That's one every two years, not a huge obligation. I'd guess feelings about other things are coloring your perceptions of this. One reason for not going is that it's a distraction from the focus on your marriage. Maybe H needs to have a frank discussion with your in-laws about the state of things... Mr. Lucky Agreed, one every two years is not a big deal. But the real issue is the survival of the marriage, and if there's any chance, that would be absolutely the first priority. I'd lean against having H go and the OP go somewhere else with friends or whatever... but that's me. If I really didn't care about the marriage, I'd tell my spouse and do what I wanted, but if I cared, I'd pull out ALL stops and do EVERYTHING I COULD to save it. In which case the family reunion doesn't fit. Gut feeling, it could be saved, but don't know the whole story, so hard to tell. I do know that if two people are in love and enjoy a good relationship for several years and things go south, it's not hard to mend things, for the most part. What is REALLY hard, if there's an affair, or there's substance abuse. Those two things can be a show stopper, or at least VERY difficult to solve. Anything else is relatively minor... sex, doing chores, spending too much time with the guys/girls, etc., etc. Been there...... I'm hopping to see a resolution to the marriage and things solved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 I totally agree with the suggestion of him going himself and I did suggest this. I go on vacations without him at least once a year, either with girlfriends or with my widowed aunt. He doesn't like to do anything without me. He finds it hard to be motivated to do anything that involves leaving the house if I am not involved. And even when I am involved I have to do the initiating and planning. It's only gotten worse over the years. It's this kind of characteristic that is contributing to the problems in our marriage. Anyway, I digress. I will make this suggestion again. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I can sympathize with OP on this one. Especially if her in-laws know there are marriage problems (let me guess - hubby told them...or they asked). She goes, there are constant little digs, the ODD child will be allowed to run wild as a "point" to prove, and when she is not in the room, you know they will all be evaluating her "mood." Then, once it is over, a few weeks down the road, MIL will have a "concerned talk" with her son about why his wife "seems so unhappy..." Yeah, this has nightmare written all over it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Have to admit that, when my first marriage was falling apart, the in-laws was the last place I wanted to be. To many questions, both posed and unasked... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 I totally agree with the suggestion of him going himself and I did suggest this. I go on vacations without him at least once a year, either with girlfriends or with my widowed aunt. He doesn't like to do anything without me. He finds it hard to be motivated to do anything that involves leaving the house if I am not involved. And even when I am involved I have to do the initiating and planning. It's only gotten worse over the years. It's this kind of characteristic that is contributing to the problems in our marriage. Anyway, I digress. I will make this suggestion again. Misty, Interesting that you find that your hubby not wanting to go anywhere without you causes problems. I'm just opposite, want to do everything with my lady as far a trips are concern, and we did that way for perhaps some 25 years with a few ladies trips, where the guys took the girls to the beach house partied for the weekend, let them do the week alone, and picked them up the following weekend with another party. That was it. But to each his own... perhaps you could encourage hubby toward something... even a short guys trip to give you some space, that sounds like you need. Good luck.... As for the OP... this trip has disaster spelled all over it. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 If you want to save your marriage, go. If you are well & truly done,...... Go on a vacation, but not with your husband. Let him have fun with the inlaws, and you get a break. Maybe when you get back things will seem better. Link to post Share on other sites
mercuryshadow Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I don't know the whole situation or understand the dynamics of your marriage, but why couldn't your husband go without you? If it's his family and he wants to go but you don't, let him go without you. I second this idea...while we don't have marriage problems, I do not wish to be pent up with my in-laws for a week because I know I'd lose my cool. I've tried it, and it stresses me out and causes tension between me and my H. He wants to visit with his parents for a week this summer and I'm quite content to let him go alone. Time to yourself can be very nourishing. Link to post Share on other sites
Pastypop Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Autumnnight is correct. That's what happened to me when we went on a family vacation 7 years ago. My Inlaws haven't hardly spoken to me since. Don't go, you don't need to extra drama. I take trips or go out while my husband and kids visits his parents and it's wonderful. And on a good note, we no longer get invited to go on family vacations. Thank goodness! Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 ...niece is a spoiled brat who is on meds for OCD and defiance disorder. Defiance Disorder????? My ass. More quack psychiatry to explain away bad behavior. I'm sure it's nothing that a good swift kick in the ass won't cure. Yeah. I'd be telling the in-laws that you cant come this year because much like the brother and sister-in-law who couldn't go when they were saving for a wedding then having a kid, you guys cant go now because you're saving up the legal fees for a divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Defiance Disorder????? My ass. More quack psychiatry to explain away bad behavior. I'm sure it's nothing that a good swift kick in the ass won't cure. Yeah. I'd be telling the in-laws that you cant come this year because much like the brother and sister-in-law who couldn't go when they were saving for a wedding then having a kid, you guys cant go now because you're saving up the legal fees for a divorce. Cute post, with some GOOD thoughts! You're RIGHT ON with the kid.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Well today we were at the in laws for Father's Day, and they asked us again if we'd join them on the trip. Husband blurts out in front of everyone "well I'D go, but SHE doesn't want to go." Then I said something about money to try to save myself from looking like the a-hole and he says "It's not a money thing, we have plenty of money, she just doesn't want to go". Ugh... So then everyone looks at me including the niece and I feel like the evil sister in law. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Well today we were at the in laws for Father's Day, and they asked us again if we'd join them on the trip. Husband blurts out in front of everyone "well I'D go, but SHE doesn't want to go." Then I said something about money to try to save myself from looking like the a-hole and he says "It's not a money thing, we have plenty of money, she just doesn't want to go". Ugh... So then everyone looks at me including the niece and I feel like the evil sister in law. He really took things to a new level. A very bad one, in my opinion. If I ever threw my girlfriend under the bus like that, I'd be single again. Same outcome if she did it to me. I wouldn't want to be with a partner that would make a point of making me look bad in front of her family. That's completely unacceptable and extremely disrespectful. I do hope you tore him a new one and have put your foot down about not going on this trip. It's unfortunate that he's now made things even more awkward with his family for you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Well today we were at the in laws for Father's Day, and they asked us again if we'd join them on the trip. Husband blurts out in front of everyone "well I'D go, but SHE doesn't want to go." Then I said something about money to try to save myself from looking like the a-hole and he says "It's not a money thing, we have plenty of money, she just doesn't want to go". Ugh... So then everyone looks at me including the niece and I feel like the evil sister in law. yep, that shows no support or respect for you. also shows he wants to treat this acting like a kid (shame you into going, or get others to convince you) instead of negotiating this like adults should do. If it were me, I would definitely tell him no frigin way will you go after what he pulled on you in front of the relatives. and then just leave it like that. let him whine about it all he wants. use this as a "teachable moment" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 yep, that shows no support or respect for you. also shows he wants to treat this acting like a kid (shame you into going, or get others to convince you) instead of negotiating this like adults should do. If it were me, I would definitely tell him no frigin way will you go after what he pulled on you in front of the relatives. and then just leave it like that. let him whine about it all he wants. use this as a "teachable moment" I could argue to be careful about making it a "teachable" moment... as you're heading the problem down with a negative approach. Need to try to have a talk and figure out a way to positively support each other and back each other up, so stuff like this doesn't happen. The negative approach just gets worse... it's very hard to "teach a lesson".... Need to give a reason to behave appropriately and he needs to understand that, but should come from both sides, with the understanding that this is an effort to improve the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author misty12 Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 Update- we are not going on the vacation and H is fine with it, doesn't even bring it up. But, he does want to go away just the two of us. I don't know how I feel about that, we have not slept in the same bed for about 8 months. When you are on vacation there is no where to escape to be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
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