Rebuilding A Relationship

[desdav]

Hello everyone,

 

Im new on here and i would grateful to get peoples advice or perspective on my current situation.

 

I am 29, my girlfriend is soon to be 24 and we have been in relationship for just over 3 years. To date everything has been great, the greatest relationship of my life. We bought a place together around a year and half ago and haven't looked back. However something happened 2 weeks ago which has shook our relationship to its foundations.

 

We were at some friends and i got very drunk having not really eaten much that day. We went home and i blackout for the rest of the evening. I woke up to find that i had been sick and my girlfriend had gone. I found a note explaining what had happened the night before.

 

In short, i came home and tried to have sex with my girlfriend and was rejected unsurprisingly. However i wouldnt let it go and kept trying, for hours. I even said i would sleep with someone else as she wasnt giving it to me. The worst part was i kept trying and then said as she wouldnt have sex with me i was going to masturbate, right next to her.

 

Reading the note she had left made me feel so ashamed and guilty for what i had done.

 

After a few days away, she returned home and we talked. Things are starting to get back on track, however she said she has this mental block where by she can feel herself cramping up inside when i touch her in certain ways. She used to enjoy me touching her in certain places which were a 'trigger' for her to become turned on. Now she can only think about what has happened and is worried that she'll never get past it.

 

Sex isn't everything for me, but its needs to some degree to have a healthy relationship. I've not been pressuring her as i know i have messed up and i still feel terrible about what has happened. However i know at some point we shall need to get past this sex block if were are to survive as a couple. I can only hope we can as i want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Any thoughts or advice is much appreciated

 

D

[Methodical]

In short, i came home and tried to have sex with my girlfriend and was rejected unsurprisingly. However i wouldnt let it go and kept trying, for hours. I even said i would sleep with someone else as she wasnt giving it to me. The worst part was i kept trying and then said as she wouldnt have sex with me i was going to masturbate, right next to her.

 

Things are starting to get back on track, however she said she has this mental block where by she can feel herself cramping up inside when i touch her in certain ways. She used to enjoy me touching her in certain places which were a 'trigger' for her to become turned on. Now she can only think about what has happened and is worried that she'll never get past it.

 

Sex isn't everything for me, but its needs to some degree to have a healthy relationship. I've not been pressuring her as i know i have messed up and i still feel terrible about what has happened. However i know at some point we shall need to get past this sex block if were are to survive as a couple. I can only hope we can as i want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Any thoughts or advice is much appreciated

 

D

 

 

You admit to relentlessly trying to force your gf to have sex, despite her refusal. For hours. What you have not said directly is that you tried to force yourself on her...and maybe not...but if something used to be a pleasure trigger and now she cramps up and recoils, something inappropriate happened. Something that caused fear, and you are at the helm of that ship.

 

Sex is a huge part of my relationship so I understand about having needs met. HOWEVER, you are the one that caused this damage and you are gonna have to suck it up and give her time to heal from your inappropriate actions or, you are correct, the relationship won't make it. It's gonna take time, I don't know how long, she doesn't know how long, until she trusts you and doesn't have horrendous flashbacks.

 

You need to quit drinking if you can't control yourself. Blacked out, Got sick, Tried to force GF to have sex...Nope, you can control yourself. Don't drink.

[loveboid]

From her perspective probably you attempted to rape her.

 

That is very unattractive to say the least. No wonder she recoils at your touch.

 

You may have to let her go.

[desdav]

Thanks for your comments, which i couldn't agree with more.

 

I've quit drinking as it scared me that i could do such things which i had no control or recollection of.

 

Im not pressuring her in anyway to have sex, it more that i am thinking longer term how our relationship will survive without it. Can someone really get over it? We all make mistake and i can only hope she realises that this wasn't true me.

 

I should have added that i explained to her afterwards that i was frustrated sexually. The past year has been a busy time for us both with our careers taking up most of our attention and our relationship suffered. However i massively regret that it came out in that form whilst drunk rather than sitting down and talking about it.

[loveboid]

Sexually frustrated is no excuse. Alcohol is no excuse.

 

I think you should talk to a male friend to help you tweak your behavior and attitude toward sex. No one has to have sex with you if they don't want to.

[Satu]

If you're getting 'blackout drunk' you definitely have an alcohol problem.

 

When you get that drunk, so much of the brain is shut down, that you become nothing more than a beast in the shape of a man.

 

You are very lucky not to be sitting in a jail cell, charged with attempted rape.

 

I think you should be.

[berniev]

If you're getting 'blackout drunk' you definitely have an alcohol problem.

 

When you get that drunk, so much of the brain is shut down, that you become nothing more than a beast in the shape of a man.

 

You are very lucky not to be sitting in a jail cell, charged with attempted rape.

 

I think you should be.

 

I was going to say the same thing. The crappy part is if you two have this documented somewhere like in your text exchange, she can always bring up the charge down the road.