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Couples who breakup over marriage are not truly in love?


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What are your thoughts about couples who date very long for 5, 10 or more years and they end it because one wants marriage, usually woman, and man don't?

 

I understand there's no compromise here, but I don't get it how can a man who says it's just a piece of paper, leave the woman if he truly loves her? Because, if I were a man and marriage means nothing to me, but a lot to my woman, I would marry her much rather than lose her over piece of paper. Am I missing something?

 

I'm not talking about couples who have a lot of underlying issues. Only about those truly happy and functioning couples, but for whom marriage is a deal breaker. Despite the fact how could they dragged a relationship for so long when they have different views.

 

What is truly men's motive to leave? To prove themselves their principles against marriage? Or deep down they know it's much more than a piece of paper and are afraid, or don't love women enough?

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todreaminblue

I think it comes down to commitment issues.....and a big one is beliefs....on marriage..i never pushed for marriage until the last year of my ex and i being together.....and i thought fifteen years was enough and a seven year engagement for him to decide to spend his life with me.and i found something i truly believed in...i wanted him to understand i thought it was time for us to progress......we broke up that year....

 

 

now many years ago we were sitting on my front steps together and i said to him........will you still love me when i cant walk anymore and i need a wheelchair and my hair is completely grey.....he laughed and he said word for word....why think that far ahead......and i said its just a question......i then told him i will love you no matter what you look like......he hugged me and said we dont have to worry about it yet do we..i wasnt worried at all....not for how i felt.....but that simple question.....was very telling on hsi side.........i chose to ignore the answer,that remained unsaid but clear...

 

 

i feel that you really do know when you are in a serious relationship quite early on whether you want to be with them for always.....some people just dont do ....always......he has now been in a new relationship for seven years......still not married and she is pushing.....maybe she might be the one he marries....i just dont know...i just know i wasnt the one for him...........deb

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Thank you for your story. It's very sad and twisted right? You could've stayed together forever but he just couldn't promise you that.

I guess some people live in the now. No one knows what future brings but they think that commitment means knowing that. Commitment is just the opposite.

They would rather leave everything unsaid because no one really knows what will happen. Maybe they act more based on thinking than feeling.

 

I personally can't blame them or anything like that because they don't want to lie to someone they probably love in their own way.

 

On the other hand it's hard to stay in such relationship because you never feel safe enough. You feel like you don't have control over your future, which you don't, but love is about feelings, not about the absolute truth, to me at least. How can you even be in love if you don't act on feelings? So you feel if they can't promise forever it means it won't be forever.

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autumnnight

There's this article on another site that I thinks is called, Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It talks about how people who get married are often buyers, but people who just want to perpetually date are probably renters or freeloaders. I think it is exactly right.

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What are your thoughts about couples who date very long for 5, 10 or more years and they end it because one wants marriage, usually woman, and man don't?

 

I understand there's no compromise here, but I don't get it how can a man who says it's just a piece of paper, leave the woman if he truly loves her? Because, if I were a man and marriage means nothing to me, but a lot to my woman, I would marry her much rather than lose her over piece of paper. Am I missing something?

 

I'm not talking about couples who have a lot of underlying issues. Only about those truly happy and functioning couples, but for whom marriage is a deal breaker. Despite the fact how could they dragged a relationship for so long when they have different views.

 

What is truly men's motive to leave? To prove themselves their principles against marriage? Or deep down they know it's much more than a piece of paper and are afraid, or don't love women enough?

 

You are correct on all accounts.

 

And there are women who feel this way too.

 

They are afraid and love themselves and their fears more than you.

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You are correct on all accounts.

 

And there are women who feel this way too.

 

They are afraid and love themselves and their fears more than you.

 

Yes, of course, women too. I didn't mean to lash out on men, but generally speaking, it's more often that way.

 

I would love to hear men's thoughts on this too. No matter what position or on what side you have been.

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TaraMaiden2

Every single thread you have posted on this forum is to do with marriage, his reluctance, your insitence. I know you haven't mentioned that side of things here, but you're still stuck on this broken cart, aren't you? :(

 

I'm not really sure what you want to hear ohso.

 

I think you're just so saddened, frustrated, disappointed, unfulfilled, hurt and betrayed by his attitude, that the subject matter has become somewhat of an obsession for you.

 

It's almost as if by continually asking about the subject here, he will miraculously pop up in the middle of one of these threads, at random, and say "Ok, I get it now! Let's get married right here, right now!"

 

I wish I could make that happen for you, to still your broken heart, but I can't.

And neither can you, and neither will he....

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TaraMaiden2 you would be completely right but in the mean time we have broken up, so I'm just doing the aftermath. Really, just trying to understand everything and to see how others went through it. It makes me feel better and not alone with my bad choices.

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Michelle ma Belle

I'd have to question anyone who remains in a long term relationship when marriage is ultimately the deal breaker.

 

I would think that any couple who has been together 5, 10 or more years would know where each person stands on the subject of marriage and family. If one doesn't want it for whatever reason and the other does, WHY STAY?

 

I mean, whose really at fault here? The guy for being upfront about not wanting to get married or the woman for whom marriage is important yet continues to stay?

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TaraMaiden2
TaraMaiden2 you would be completely right but in the mean time we have broken up, so I'm just doing the aftermath. Really, just trying to understand everything and to see how others went through it. It makes me feel better and not alone with my bad choices.

 

Your choices weren't 'bad'. They just differed, and there was no middle ground.

 

Rather like the husband who would love kids, but his wife doesn't.

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I'd have to question anyone who remains in a long term relationship when marriage is ultimately the deal breaker.

 

I would think that any couple who has been together 5, 10 or more years would know where each person stands on the subject of marriage and family. If one doesn't want it for whatever reason and the other does, WHY STAY?

 

I mean, whose really at fault here? The guy for being upfront about not wanting to get married or the woman for whom marriage is important yet continues to stay?

 

Or, even worse, tries to make someone marry who doesn't want to... seems worse to me.

 

I don't think one is better or worse, just that they are not in agreement, that is the issue. If that is the issue, move on, find someone more like minded.

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Michelle ma Belle
Or, even worse, tries to make someone marry who doesn't want to... seems worse to me.

 

I don't think one is better or worse, just that they are not in agreement, that is the issue. If that is the issue, move on, find someone more like minded.

 

Absolutely!

 

I would NEVER want to be with anyone who wasn't on the exact same page as I was, especially regarding marriage.

 

What a horrible way to start off a marriage - having to convince your LT partner to put a ring on it :rolleyes:

 

No thank you.

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I have a feeling that anyone who truly feels they have found "the one", wants to grab him/her and make sure no-one else gets them.

I think for some, marriage, is a piece of paper and neither see any need to go there.

 

When nothing really progresses, and one is desperate for marriage, the other may be from the "piece of paper" brigade, or the "protect my assets" regiment, but I have a sneaky suspicion it is often deeper than that.

I wonder if that "commitment phobe" has just not found "the one" and whilst happy enough moseying along for years even, is still holding out for that one true love to get married to.

Some have fantasies about that perfect wife, or that perfect husband and do not want to complicate matters by marrying someone who they feel is just adequate or more than adequate even, but perhaps not really good enough to marry.

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What a horrible way to start off a marriage - having to convince your LT partner to put a ring on it :rolleyes:

 

No thank you.

 

I agree there is no point in blaming anyone. I think as much as she is at fault for staying, he is too. Both knew what would happen if they stayed together. Both knew upfront where they stand. BUT he could have been a bigger person and let her be on her own instead of sticking by her side when he knew she had a hard time letting him go and letting go of her dreams. Why do that? Why not give her an opportunity to get married to someone else then? She has much more to lose. Wouldn't that be love? I know many won't agree but this seems destructive, ignorant and selfish to take advantage of someone's vulnerability.

 

Are people that naive and think women can give up on marriage just like that? Like that's easier than sign a piece of paper if it means nothing then what's the fuss? That's just being dishonest about what marriage stands for.

 

So basically, she tries to be on his side for 10 years, but it ends because he isn't willing to be on her side for lets say another 10 years. I mean, something's gotta give.

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What are your thoughts about couples who date very long for 5, 10 or more years and they end it because one wants marriage, usually woman, and man don't?

 

....

 

What is truly men's motive to leave? To prove themselves their principles against marriage? Or deep down they know it's much more than a piece of paper and are afraid, or don't love women enough?

 

It's a lot more than a piece of paper, it's a legal contract. I would ask the woman; why do you feel your relationship needs validated by a legal contract? What does that give you that a LTR, possibly with a civil ceremony, does not?

 

Your answer is probably his answer.

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It's a lot more than a piece of paper, it's a legal contract. I would ask the woman; why do you feel your relationship needs validated by a legal contract? What does that give you that a LTR, possibly with a civil ceremony, does not?

 

Your answer is probably his answer.

 

Yes, it is, but it is beyond that. It's sacred. Not necessarily in a religious way, but it's special, meaning, with certain things in life you just don't mess with.

But not everyone has the same values. LTR by it's name is long but not consciously forever, only by an accident. It just doesn't have the same amount or type of commitment. Marriage says, look I'm going through this with you for you to be with you no matter what, and I'm not afraid of future or anything. It' not until who knows what happens.

Edited by ohso
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Yes, it is, but it is beyond that. It's sacred. Not necessarily in a religious way, but it's special, meaning, with certain things in life you just don't mess with.

But not everyone has the same values. LTR by it's name is long but not consciously forever, only by an accident. It just doesn't have the same amount or type of commitment. Marriage says, look I'm going through this with you for you to be with you no matter what, and I'm not afraid of future or anything. It' not until who knows what happens.

 

That is simply not true. I know a guy who moves out for two weeks a year just so that the state cannot say they are common law. And they are as committed as any married couple.

 

My guy and I had everything in order, life insurance, wills, etc long before we married so that each would be taken care of should something happen to the other, and that the kids (my kids he is raising with me) are okay.

 

Do we feel more committed with the certificate? No. Nothing has changed. our relationship, our commitment is what is sacred, not the state deciding it is sacred.

 

However, there are certain things which marriage brings, like social security, that matter. So if you are looking at that end of things it is another matter, and OT, discussion for another thread.

Edited by goodyblue
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Yes, it is, but it is beyond that. It's sacred. Not necessarily in a religious way, but it's special, meaning, with certain things in life you just don't mess with.

But not everyone has the same values. LTR by it's name is long but not consciously forever, only by an accident. It just doesn't have the same amount or type of commitment. Marriage says, look I'm going through this with you for you to be with you no matter what, and I'm not afraid of future or anything. It' not until who knows what happens.

 

There is marriage the social event and construct, and marriage the legal contract. Why is a legal contract required to make (you?) happy?

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So basically, she tries to be on his side for 10 years, but it ends because he isn't willing to be on her side for lets say another 10 years. I mean, something's gotta give.

 

I think it comes down to clarity both in understanding your own goals (I personally always knew I wanted marriage and family) and communicating them to your partner.

 

If you do that, you're not positioned to invest 10 years in a relationship with someone who feels differently about those fundamental issues...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Michelle ma Belle
Yes, it is, but it is beyond that. It's sacred. Not necessarily in a religious way, but it's special, meaning, with certain things in life you just don't mess with.

But not everyone has the same values. LTR by it's name is long but not consciously forever, only by an accident. It just doesn't have the same amount or type of commitment. Marriage says, look I'm going through this with you for you to be with you no matter what, and I'm not afraid of future or anything. It' not until who knows what happens.

 

I'm sorry OP but I think you're being incredibly naive.

 

It might help you to peruse the many other threads on here regarding marriages where members are desperately seeking answers to infidelity, betrayal, abuse, neglect, etc. within their own respective marriages.

 

Thinking that marriage will somehow make your commitment stronger or more valid than someone who is not married is ignorant and insulting if I'm honest. Marriage guarantees absolutely NOTHING in the end and the sooner you realize that the better.

 

I understand that marriage is important for some people and I respect that - I too was married and held similar beliefs at one time in my life but got the biggest wake up call of my life when it all went to sh*t.

 

You need to be aware that marriage is not the only answer nor does it make you immune to the trappings and temptations that exist. Marriage also has to be something you BOTH want from the start otherwise you're setting yourself up for heartbreak.

 

You either want to be faithful and work on your relationship regardless of how good or bad it gets or you don't. Happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships take effort by both people regardless if they're married or not.

 

There is nothing magical about that.

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Marriage means nothing if there is no commitment to back it up. I think marriage is a good thing I am glad I did it the second time around but it would mean nothing if both of us were not committed and loyal. It should be the roof on top of an already great relationship but the great relationship should always be the foundation because without that the whole thing crumbles.

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I was in a relationship with my H for 8 years prior to our marriage, 5 of those years we lived together. I did love him and hoped we would some day be married. He frequently said he didn't need a piece of paper to tell him how he felt, but to me a marriage is needed before children, and I knew I wanted both. I wasn't even sure how he felt about children. Obviously, we had major communication issues, but I didn't realize how detrimental that could be. I was willing to just accept whatever he was willing to give. I had finished my degree and I planned on asking him at the end of my second year of work if he was even considering marrying me or if he was interested at all in having kids. I was willing to walk if his answer was, "no". Unfortunately, I ended up pregnant. I ended up asking him if we should get married and he ended up marrying me. Another lesson learned, don't get married because you are pregnant, its a horrible reason. I have always felt like he ended up with me by default, but didn't have the feelings he should have had for a wife. He never, not even the 8 years prior, told me he loved me. He never gave me compliments or said sweet things to me. I was so dumb, to just sit there and wonder if he did, but never made him have a tough conversation about anything. Maybe I was afraid of the answers. Maybe I thought I didn't deserve those things. All these years later, and I realize the mistakes I made.

 

I wish I had asked him those questions after we dated for a year. I definitely shouldn't have stayed with him for 8 years, let alone marry him, when I was always left to wonder if he loved me. Marriage didn't make that stuff happen. You have done the right thing, I do believe if someone really cares for you, loves you, they would want to marry you. If they don't ask, he wasn't the one. Now, when I talk to him about it, he says he "grew to love me". Actually, I think he has grown comfortable to having me around. If you want to be married and they don't, walk away.

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Many times men get into a relationship knowing "this will not be serious",hence they never get it as a serious thing

 

Sometimes they meet someone and from start know she is the one,and then they get married withing a year or 2

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Ninjainpajamas

Although the state of marriage in itself is a joke...that's not really the reason that these men aren't marrying these women, they're just not in-love with them.

 

But it doesn't mean they won't get married in the end...most men do.

 

If you're pushing for marriage with a man, and he just basically folds for one reason or another...then you're asking for the title but not the substance of what you think it means.

 

Women tend to be really crazy and have to learn the very hard way with many simple lessons with men. They just simply don't do what they feel like doing or want to do...and yet women are constantly pushing for more than they want to give. What do you expect in the end? bliss? don't kid yourself.

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We have had this kind of disparity and length of relationship. But I wouldn't break up over it. In the end I'd rather get married and stick with her than not. And I assume the reverse is true for my partner: rather stick with me than give it all up for marriage. So where exactly it ends is not our concern, as long as it is together.

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