HAK Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Since MC on Tue (our first appt) and it was advised we start off separately and if/when counselor feels we should work on marriage she'll introduce..but at no time did she say avoid each other. But for the last 5 days H is finding every excuse to leave the house leaving kids and I home. If he wants me to hurt like he has I am there and have been for yrs he just didnt see the depression or want to confront me. I cant stand here being avoided. And i certainly cant watch our kids be mad he's not home again ... ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 HAK, I am sorry you are going through this. From reading your past threads, it sounds like you and your husband have a lot to work through. You said in one of your threads that your husband sent you an email after your first MC. Perhaps this is the method you need to communicate with him for right now. The nice thing is you can filter what you say and how you say it. Often when we speak to people, we can't filter as well and end up saying things we regret. I definitely would send an email to him telling him that his issues are with you, but while avoiding you he is also avoiding the kids. They did not do anything and do not deserve this (being avoided). I would let him know that if he does not want to be around you for now, that you understand he needs some space, but that he must take time to spend with his kids. I would ask him to schedule a couple of hours each day to spend with them and that you will leave to run errands, etc while he spends time with them. Find something to do at that time. Drive to a park, take a walk, join an exercise class, go shopping, meet with a friend. Don't let it be forever, but an hour or two would be ok. I think you could use some time to yourself and your kids need to see their dad. They will begin to think he is avoiding them and that they have done something wrong. I would be gentle in your email, not accusatory, and just let him know his kids need him. Do they have sport practices to go to? Maybe he could take them to that. I hope you both try to focus on your children going forward and do what you do for them. Things are not going to change overnight, the IC and MC you and your husband will do will take time, so you both need to think of the kids while this is happening. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 HAK, Sometimes, what we perceive as avoidance tactics on their part, is actually only them trying to deal with their own feelings of inadequacy -- not having "all the answers", not knowing "how to fix it", etc. Perhaps ask your counselor for some suggestions on how to initiate a conversation wherein you might ask about his self-feelings...be that inadequate, insignificant, like a failure, or whatever along those lines. I agree with Babs22, to make your request for some time for yourself. Shirking his parental responsibilities and alienating his own children certainly are not part of any kind of solution. Hugs, and best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Sounds like the counselor thinks you two take each other for granted and wants to see if the distancing will make you miss each other. (Even tho trying to have distance is a little hard when you live together). Instead of getting angry you should be curious to see if he will miss you. Maybe you should get gone/busy too. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 Since MC on Tue (our first appt) and it was advised we start off separately and if/when counselor feels we should work on marriage she'll introduce..but at no time did she say avoid each other. But for the last 5 days H is finding every excuse to leave the house leaving kids and I home. more likely he is coming to grips with what he THOUGHT v what is actual. for some this is a troubling time. a time for solitude. a time to be emotional. and a time to avoid certain persons. If he wants me to hurt like he has I am there and have been for yrs he just didnt see the depression or want to confront me. I cant stand here being avoided. And i certainly cant watch our kids be mad he's not home again ... ugh its part of the process, making 'demands' now will only cause the process to fail. but that does not mean you can not bring up certain areas: household chores, etc. and be kind "honey i need you to take out the garbage". think baby steps, its not a race. Link to post Share on other sites
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