Feel like the outsider

[whenisitenough]

We have been married for 20 years with 3 children and I just realized I've let long term resentment toward my husband hurt my family.

 

During our first year of marriage, husband had a crush on his office nurse - 'she was so wonderful ... etc." I kept my hurt inside but distanced myself a bit and happy when we had to move.

 

From then on, three children and my job kept me busy. I was friendly to colleagues but still protected my marriage. My H was different and there were examples along the way where he acted inappropriately. A few years ago when things were at our all time low, I found out he was having an emotional affair with another nurse which he denies. I was devasted. Depressed. Dropped to a 00.

 

H agreed to marriage counselor to work things out but felt as if he was insincere. For three years, I stuck it out., Tried to please him. and prayed every day for patience. Things have come around but I feel as if I will never be complete. I 've told him it makes me sad we are not best friends . I'll talk about my day but he it closed mouthed about his. Feel as if he wants to keep me separate from his work 'friends". . Example, We conveniently arrived as the party was ending when invited to his new colleague's Christmas party. Found out there were a few nurses there earlier in the evening.

 

Thought we were getting better again until a few nights ago. I saw the obituary of his friend's father. My H said he knew the day before and was planning to attend on his way home. Asked why he didn't tell me before or why he didn't ask me to go with him. He said , "when something happens to someone you work with you go. When it is for me, I go." That hit me so hard! I said I thought a wife was supposed to be a part of your life and I am hurt. He just walks away , like nothing is wrong then gives me a kiss before leaving for work.

 

I feel as if I am working so hard for a non-marriage and that he really does not love me. Don't know what to do.

[StalwartMind]

It does sound like the effort you've put into the marriage is not being reciprocated much, or at least to a minimum level that you would like to see. I'm confident not everyone would of been as forgiving and willing to try improve the circumstances, and however little it may mean at least that is to your credit of having tried.

 

While I understand that every relationship is different, I will always question to some degree, why someone would go through an extended period of time where you are unhappy with someone. Especially when it is such a significant amount such as yours. It's not for me to judge naturally, especially when not knowing the full story, but as I'll tell you and anyone else, you owe it to yourself to actually be happy and live a life that fulfills your satisfaction.

 

It's never easy to just change things from one day to another, especially when you have a family and most of our societies are structured in the way they are. However even when imposed with certain limits, as long as you have a functioning mind and will to want better, you have the chance of making that happen. I know you said you don't know what to do and people will tell you different things, especially if you are also a person of faith.

 

The foundation to any healthy relationship with another person is most certainly honesty. If you can't have that then you are at risk of potential hurtful events unfolding and in your case repeatedly so. I don't know if you've ever put your foot down and set demands of severe consequence. Some people are just much more forgiving of nature, either way I don't think I'll ever like seeing anyone being taken advantage of, and that happens all too often. Many like to push things to limit especially with stuff that they can get away with.

 

I don't think it can be denied that unless you have an open relationship, that he is quite clearly disrespecting you and not really listening at all. I know of examples where people have put up with this for well over 20 years and I still don't get why some people accept that or live with it. I you want to believe in people can change and you want to give them the benefit of doubt, but even so at one point there must be a time where you say that things have gone too far.

 

None of above may really help you that much but understand that you aren't alone and perhaps some fellow members can give you some encouraging words and advice. As nice as words may be, action always speaks louder than words.

[minimariah]

Don't know what to do.

 

is separation an option?

 

to be honest - i think your H had more than one (physical) affair, which would explain his behavior (especially avoiding work colleagues). i don't think he stopped at that one crush & EA -- even you felt that he was insecure.

 

i'm almost positive he has an ongoing affair right now.

 

you're unhappy, you tried your best, worked hard... all you can do, really. if it's not enough, then what's the point in staying? try out that life without him, date & meet other people. just see how that goes.

 

you might discover that you're happier without than with him.

 

if anything, you leaving will maybe shook him and make him take you seriously.

[adna89]

You have tried,been the loyal good wife-it did not work

 

Try now to make him scared he will loose you...become distant,and mention divorce.tell him it is not working.If he loves you he will change

[Popsicle]

How sad that people take each other for granted so much in marriage.

[whenisitenough]

Thank you for all of the replies. I really appreciate it.

 

Does anyone think I'm off the wall for wanting to be included more in my husband's life.

When I asked why he didn't tell me or ask to go with him , he said he didnt think about it. when I pressed he said in a loud voice, "if you really want to go then you are welcome to. "

Guess I'd rather hear," I'd be happy if you came with me."

[minimariah]

Thank you for all of the replies. I really appreciate it.

 

Does anyone think I'm off the wall for wanting to be included more in my husband's life.

When I asked why he didn't tell me or ask to go with him , he said he didnt think about it. when I pressed he said in a loud voice, "if you really want to go then you are welcome to. "

Guess I'd rather hear," I'd be happy if you came with me."

 

you're not off the wall at all - he isn't good to you, he isn't making you happy, he doesn't care to create a real connection with you. he just...... doesn't care.

 

you did the best you could - leave, honey. don't waste any more time on the man who doesn't treat you like you're the most precious gift in his world -- there are men out there who WILL treat you that way, trust. so don't settle for a miserable, unsensitive man who does nothing to make his woman and home happy.

[whenisitenough]

I understand what you are saying. I just wish it were more cut and dry. He does nice things for me too. I just wish I had proof of his EAs.

 

Doubt he would ever use texts again since that was how I found out the first time. I cant buy a logger etc those are illegal in my state.

 

What else could I do?

[whenisitenough]

No eye contact.

 

Also, though the weekend went well, he was different when he came home from work Monday. He gave a kiss and stayed in the kitchen while I prepared dinner, but avoided eye contact. It was strange, we were carrying on a conversation but he wouldn't look at me. Eventually, I put my face smack in front of his ..still no glance back. Again, another time I felt excluded , like an outsider. I started wondering who he may have spoken to at work or what he did earlier in the day.

Edited May 28, 2015 by whenisitenough

[whenisitenough]

you're not off the wall at all - he isn't good to you, he isn't making you happy, he doesn't care to create a real connection with you. he just...... doesn't care.

 

you did the best you could - leave, honey. don't waste any more time on the man who doesn't treat you like you're the most precious gift in his world -- there are men out there who WILL treat you that way, trust. so don't settle for a miserable, unsensitive man who does nothing to make his woman and home happy.

 

The funny thing is after I told him how I felt hurt by his actions, he said, " I treat you like a princess."

[still_an_Angel]

No eye contact.

 

Also, though the weekend went well, he was different when he came home from work Monday. He gave a kiss and stayed in the kitchen while I prepared dinner, but avoided eye contact. It was strange, we were carrying on a conversation but he wouldn't look at me. Eventually, I put my face smack in front of his ..still no glance back. Again, another time I felt excluded , like an outsider. I started wondering who he may have spoken to at work or what he did earlier in the day.

 

This doesn't sound good. If he is this disconnected from you, you need to reassess if this relationship will be worth more work and effort from you or time for you to walk away.

[beatcuff]

This doesn't sound good. If he is this disconnected from you, you need to reassess if this relationship will be worth more work and effort from you or time for you to walk away.

 

OP this is the issue, lack of communication. you are guessing. and you THINK you are doing the right thing, it is very obvious (even to you) you are not. so instead of 'doubling down' ASK HIM. and not 'what's wrong' or whatever you have in the past...

 

find a quiet non-alcoholic moment, shut off the tv and look at him and say 'we need to talk'. then say what you have wrote here, i would avoid the 'did you have an affair' part. this will distract from the real issue: disconnection. don't bitch, don't argue, don't yell, even better don't cry/get emotional. then SHUT UP. even if it means you have a staring contest. people hate silence.

 

he will either start a serious discussion, then you together decide the next steps.

 

he does nothing/walks out, then you know its over.

 

he ducks, side steps, avoids --- this is much harder because he is putting the ball in your court, i would reiterate the seriousness of the situation, and even say 'this is serious, this is terminal' if he continues with this method --- then you know its over.

 

good luck.

[whenisitenough]

OP this is the issue, lack of communication. you are guessing. and you THINK you are doing the right thing, it is very obvious (even to you) you are not. so instead of 'doubling down' ASK HIM. and not 'what's wrong' or whatever you have in the past...

 

find a quiet non-alcoholic moment, shut off the tv and look at him and say 'we need to talk'. then say what you have wrote here, i would avoid the 'did you have an affair' part. this will distract from the real issue: disconnection. don't bitch, don't argue, don't yell, even better don't cry/get emotional. then SHUT UP. even if it means you have a staring contest. people hate silence.

 

he will either start a serious discussion, then you together decide the next steps.

 

he does nothing/walks out, then you know its over.

 

he ducks, side steps, avoids --- this is much harder because he is putting the ball in your court, i would reiterate the seriousness of the situation, and even say 'this is serious, this is terminal' if he continues with this method --- then you know its over.

 

good luck.

 

 

I think he will...." duck, side step, avoid --- this is much harder because he is putting the ball in your court." because he likes to put the blame on me and he does not like confrontation.

 

Will try. Thanks. Which specific conversation are you referencing? " Then say what you have wrote here. "

[whenisitenough]

This doesn't sound good. If he is this disconnected from you, you need to reassess if this relationship will be worth more work and effort from you or time for you to walk away.

 

This is not typical that he acts this way. He is not always this disconnected. It seems something happened that day he maybe feels guilty about.