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Wife slept with a much older man before we got married


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Background, I meant my wife when I was 19 and she was 18. We've been married for 22 years. I knew before we got married she had only had sex one time right after she turned 17. I never really asked her about it and she never brought it up. I have sex with many girls before I meet my wife and she was never bothered by it. She asked questions early in our marriage. A couple of weeks ago I asked her about her first time. She was did not provide any details about it. I asked if I ever meet the guy, she said no. I waited a few days and brought it up again. She told me that it was a few weeks after she turned 17 and it was with someone outside of her friends group. She then told me the guy was older than her but would not tell his age. After pushing asking again, she stated he was 27. I asked for his name and she finely told me it was someone I knew. It was a guy that lived next door to her parents house and I meet him after I meet my wife. She was not truefull about his age, he was 29 at the time. She said that one say he came over to talk to her and her parents were at church so they were alone. She said they joked around about sex for a while then he asked her if she wanted to do it. She said sure and walked to her room. She said it was technical and not romantic. So it was before me but the age difference has been bothering me and how she took losing her virginity so lightly. She said she didn't have boyfriend in school and thought she would end up alone so why not do it. I have never had sex with any no more than 4 years older than me, 12 years is a big gap. I'm I over thinking this. I feel that I married a innocent girl but now feel different about it. I'm I just being crazy about this?

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What's the real reason you want to create conflict in your marriage?

 

Because it can't really be about this non-event 25 years ago, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I don't understand why this is an issue now. 12 years isn't a massive age gap. On reading the thread title, I thought it would be about a 25 - 30 gap. Regardless of gaps it's in the past.

 

If your marriage is a good one, then focus on that. If not seek help via MV, but not for this issue. Don't create problems for yourself.

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understand50

jasonww,

 

I am all for knowing your spouse's sexual past, when and only when, it effects, or could effect, your present relationship.

 

You knew she was not a virgin when you married, and you were not dating at the time so I am at a loss to see why you are "worrying" over this. I would thank her for letting you know, and being honest, and then drop it. By making this a big deal you run the risk of her knowing that, if she is open and honest with you, she will be punished. There will be times in your marriage when you will, or may, need her to give you the real story from on something. You can not expect her to be open and honest, if you are going to come at like this. It is the past between you and her that matters, and the future before you both. You run the risk of shutting down the all important trust and communication between you both.

 

As autumnnight said "You're in the wrong here. Drop it."

 

29

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Most women have lots more bad sex with regrettable partners before they get married than your wife has. You should be happy for her, and focus on making sure that she doesn't regret having sex with you.

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Methodical

I'm really wondering about the validity of this argument. She didn't cheat on you, this is something that happened before you were in her life.

 

She has slept with ONE guy besides you. You on the other hand, have slept with multiple partners. Hm...I wonder if she's thinking she may have missed out by settling down so quickly and not exploring more before doing so?

 

At any rate, neither of you had a problem with each other's sexual history 22 years ago, so why the heck would it be an issue now? Why would you even bring this up? Honestly, it sounds like you are trying to pick a fight and this is a battle that may not bode well for you.

 

Personally, if you're gonna open that door, I think she's entitled to a list of all your previous partners, how many times you sex with them, and if you wore protection each and every time.

 

This is a classic example of why some people aren't completely truthful. Look what it got her! Btw, I don't condone lying, nor do I condone browbeating someone for being honest about an event that happened over two decades ago before you were in her life.

Edited by Methodical
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whichwayisup
Background, I meant my wife when I was 19 and she was 18. We've been married for 22 years. I knew before we got married she had only had sex one time right after she turned 17. I never really asked her about it and she never brought it up. I have sex with many girls before I meet my wife and she was never bothered by it. She asked questions early in our marriage. A couple of weeks ago I asked her about her first time. She was did not provide any details about it. I asked if I ever meet the guy, she said no. I waited a few days and brought it up again. She told me that it was a few weeks after she turned 17 and it was with someone outside of her friends group. She then told me the guy was older than her but would not tell his age. After pushing asking again, she stated he was 27. I asked for his name and she finely told me it was someone I knew. It was a guy that lived next door to her parents house and I meet him after I meet my wife. She was not truefull about his age, he was 29 at the time. She said that one say he came over to talk to her and her parents were at church so they were alone. She said they joked around about sex for a while then he asked her if she wanted to do it. She said sure and walked to her room. She said it was technical and not romantic. So it was before me but the age difference has been bothering me and how she took losing her virginity so lightly. She said she didn't have boyfriend in school and thought she would end up alone so why not do it. I have never had sex with any no more than 4 years older than me, 12 years is a big gap. I'm I over thinking this. I feel that I married a innocent girl but now feel different about it. I'm I just being crazy about this?

 

Sorry but this is your issue, not hers. You have a past, you admitted you slept with many women before her. She had ONE partner. So what if he was older. She said 27 and turns out he was 29. This shouldn't be a big issue to the point of you over thinking this.

 

Did you give her details of ALL the girls you slept with? Their ages, names, how long you 'dated' them, how many times you had sex with them?

 

If you ask questions about someone's past (aka your wife) be prepared for the answers, even if you don't like it.

 

How is she not innocent because she slept with an older guy? Your perception of her has changed because of that? Does it change how you feel towards her? IF yes, then get help, seek counseling and try to work through this.

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still_an_Angel

Yes you are overthinking this. Seriously? After 22 years this bothers you now? You probed and she gave you the answers, this is something she cannot change, it happened that way.

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Phoenician

did she claim at vows that she was a virgin ?

 

do you have currently trust issues ?

 

no girl will take loosing virginity as a light issue , she was just hurt in that incidence .

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Background, I meant my wife when I was 19 and she was 18. We've been married for 22 years. I knew before we got married she had only had sex one time right after she turned 17. I never really asked her about it and she never brought it up. I have sex with many girls before I meet my wife and she was never bothered by it. She asked questions early in our marriage. A couple of weeks ago I asked her about her first time. She was did not provide any details about it. I asked if I ever meet the guy, she said no. I waited a few days and brought it up again. She told me that it was a few weeks after she turned 17 and it was with someone outside of her friends group. She then told me the guy was older than her but would not tell his age. After pushing asking again, she stated he was 27. I asked for his name and she finely told me it was someone I knew. It was a guy that lived next door to her parents house and I meet him after I meet my wife. She was not truefull about his age, he was 29 at the time. She said that one say he came over to talk to her and her parents were at church so they were alone. She said they joked around about sex for a while then he asked her if she wanted to do it. She said sure and walked to her room. She said it was technical and not romantic. So it was before me but the age difference has been bothering me and how she took losing her virginity so lightly. She said she didn't have boyfriend in school and thought she would end up alone so why not do it. I have never had sex with any no more than 4 years older than me, 12 years is a big gap. I'm I over thinking this. I feel that I married a innocent girl but now feel different about it. I'm I just being crazy about this?

 

OK we get it, your wife is a whore who slept with a geriatric. :sick:

I think she really deserves to be cheated on... the b*tch!

 

You are 41, feeling frisky, wife a bit boring sexually - you deserve more women.

I suggest though, instead of cheating on her (messy and will maybe damage her for life), you dump her immediately, sow some wild oats and go find a real virgin preferably about 18, to settle down with - you know you want to.

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I don't understand why this is an issue now. 12 years isn't a massive age gap. On reading the thread title, I thought it would be about a 25 - 30 gap. Regardless of gaps it's in the past.

 

If your marriage is a good one, then focus on that. If not seek help via MV, but not for this issue. Don't create problems for yourself.

 

I meant MC not MV.

 

I read your post again, and it just doesn't make sense to me.

She's had sex once. It wasn't a fantastic experience. I just don't know why you even asked about this more than 2 decades later.

 

Is there anything else to this? Because it perplexes me.

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TaraMaiden2

What I found worrying is that the OP kept badgering, returning to the subject.

Talk about self-inflicted agony...

 

My father was 11 years older than my mother.

My brother's first wife was 13 years younger than he. (It is she who decided to end the relationship. She joined a kibbuz-style movement to 'find herself'.... :rolleyes: )

My husband's sister is married to a guy 10 years. Her JUNIOR.

 

Relationships with such age-gaps do occur, and are perfectly normal.

Your attitude however, jasonww is not only NOT normal, it is utterly bizarre, unwarranted and irrational.

It is also unfair and extremely unreasonable.

So you knew the guy. So what? Is that also a contentious issue?

 

You're vilifying and condemning her for having had sex with someone before you. as said by all, the age gap is utterly irrelevant.

Even though you think absolutely nothing of the fact that you too, were no pure and chaste suitor when you met her.

 

In brief: yes, you definitely ARE being 'crazy' about this.

 

You need counselling, because your opinion and PoV is somewhat.... warped.

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Phoenician

Jason did she lie on u at that time, when did u discover it?

 

One thing is imp jason ,r u getting a free pass for something she did bef marriagr ?

 

I can be happily married to a whore previously

even ,but not to a bitch ...

 

U need to understand that her previous life is none of your business

Unless she promissed u in thr face that she is virgin and u wheere decirved ..

 

 

I dont feel u love her just admit it ni need to makr het a whore.

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autumnnight
Jason did she lie on u at that time, when did u discover it?

 

One thing is imp jason ,r u getting a free pass for something she did bef marriagr ?

 

I can be happily married to a whore previously

even ,but not to a bitch ...

 

U need to understand that her previous life is none of your business

Unless she promissed u in thr face that she is virgin and u wheere decirved ..

 

 

I dont feel u love her just admit it ni need to makr het a whore.

 

Did you read the post? HE KNEW this before they married. There is no deception. He's in a wad because the guy was 12 years older.

 

He needs to get over it.

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What does it matter that he was 12 years older? Why is that an issue?

 

Would it make a difference if he had been 8 years older? 6? Why?

 

Are you afraid that older guy was a better lover than you were when you started having sex with your wife? Are you afraid she is comparing the two of you in her head every time you have sex, and you aren't as good as he was?

 

Has something changed recently to create these fears in you about her first sexual experiences? Has something changed about YOU recently? Are you going through a mid-life crisis and are worried you aren't as young and attractive anymore?

 

You've been married 22 years. I would think those years of marriage would have given you plenty of information on your compatibility and values and the things that are actually important to a healthy marriage like trust, compassion and a lifetime of history together.

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12 years is nothing! She was 17. If she was 8 and he was 12 years older it would be a problem, but at 17?

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