what triggers your woman to hate you ?

[Phoenician]

In order for me to look again , and again and again at any hope in maintaining a marriage institution aged 17 years ; I want to hear how Venus think about when her cave man becomes more an more distant from her ....

 

Specifically one of the main issues I found in my marriage was that if I swallow my tongue and agree about everything we are fine , If i disagree even politely I will spend the rest of the month in a cage ...

 

What raised my attention is that sometimes silly issues can make a women hurt , lenting sex for weeks and hating everything her man do .

 

My point is that If I understand more Venus , I will be in a better place .

 

The first question is :

 

Venus , how many of you disconnects for days or weeks over a simple issue , such as where to put the treadmill or asking for a service for family that you are not convinced in ?

[TaraMaiden2]

First of all, it is best to stop assuming all women are venus and all men are mars.

 

All people are human.

That's more significant.

 

Secondly, the most important factor in any relationship is Communication.

Effective communication.

It sounds to me as if you are too passive, and she dislikes your method of dealing with things.

 

It's not always what you say; it's how it is said, and HOW you communicate effectively.

 

I think counselling would help.

[TaraMaiden2]

Are you certain your wife hates you?

Has she said she hates you?

Does she mean she hates you all the time, or just when you argue?

Do you believe she means it?

 

If yes, why do you stay?

If no, then you definitely should get counselling.

[Phoenician]

Dear Tara ,

 

not generalizing , just to target people with heterosexual orientation ...

 

we are way beyond counseling now ,

she refuses MC .

 

very rocky marriage ,I am not leaving because of kids , family ; we agreed not to divorce ; we are moving from one stage to another , now we are in seperation phase under same roof , this happened for 3 month earlier , and 6 month .

 

 

the load is huge , especially the emotional one , I won't leave my kids with a lazy selfish wife ; won't try to change her anymore ; I want to live day by day , when kids fly , I would make the accurate decision .

 

with all this I still believe that she still love me her own way , and I miss the person I married.

 

 

When I say she hates me , her acts shows it , and she disconnects .

 

 

I want to understand more things about women , which won't harm , rather it will help me in this marriage or any other future relation .

 

because I have started to see that many women around could also disconnect for a long time , for what I assume a simple issue .

 

Do you disconnect Tara for days or weeks for an issue which your man assume as simple ?

 

Pls give examples if so ...

[TaraMaiden2]

This isn't about me.

This is about your situation, and frankly, you could file for divorce and seek full custody.

[Phoenician]

This isn't about me.

This is about your situation, and frankly, you could file for divorce and seek full custody.

 

I wont be able to get full custody on all kids , this will split the family ; anyway The divorce issue is not the topic of this thread .

 

It is for me to understand better Women behavior , this is the help I need now ,

 

The question is , Do normal women disconnect for days or weeks for an issue which a man assume as simple ?

 

[TaraMaiden2]

I wont be able to get full custody on all kids , this will split the family ; anyway The divorce issue is not the topic of this thread .

 

It is for me to understand better Women behavior , this is the help I need now ,

 

The question is , Do normal women disconnect for days or weeks for an issue which a man assume as simple ?

 

No, they don't.

And neither do 'normal' men.

 

For a woman to react in a way, there must be a trigger.

For for a man to react that way, there must be a trigger.

 

You seem intent on blame-shifting.

To me, you want some kind of reassurance that everything you do is reasonable, and that everything she does, isn't.

 

You ask about 'normal' as if her behaviour is not normal.

Its absolutely normal.

 

For her.

Not every woman is like her.

Just as not every man is like you.

 

I'm trying to make you see that women cannot be categorised into just a set of psychological behaviours, and it takes 2 to make this mess.

If you cannot work together to both sort out what you both contribute, then whatever you carry on doing, will bring the same results.

[truncated]

I'[m sorry, but learning about other women won;t help you with your wife, as she is different from anyone else.

 

For what it's worth, i don't think it's normal, but I also don;t know what your particular situation is like, or what her side of the story is.

[elaine567]

What raised my attention is that sometimes silly issues can make a women hurt , lenting sex for weeks and hating everything her man do .

 

 

Obviously those "silly" issues are not so to your wife, perhaps you need to look behind those issues and find out why she is getting so upset with you.

Also maybe the fact you are rating the issues "silly" in the first place may be a huge source of annoyance for her too.

[oldshirt]

There's nothing 'normal' or healthy about your situation. In technical terms, your wife is a bitch and she treats you like crap.....period. This may even be considered an abusive relationship.

 

You have created your own dungeon by refusing to divorce. Since you won't consider divorcing legally, which your best chance at freedom and a fulfilling life, another suggestion is to remain legally married but do as your wife has done years ago and divorce yourself, mentally, emotionally, and as financially as you can.

 

Currently you are still emotionally invested in her and you still want her love, desire and sexual relations with her. However she does not want or desire those things from you. That makes you a prisoner of the heart and makes her your warden. She squarely has the upper hand because you are emotionally invested and she is not.

 

My recommendation is to fully accept that she no longer loves, respects or desires you and probably never will. I reccommend that you harden your heart and extinguish your love and caring for her as well. Disconnect and divest yourself from her completely.

 

Meditate long and hard and picture what you would do in your minds eye what you would do if she were to get killed in a car accident today......THEN START DOING THAT.

 

Start living your life as if she were dead and was not there.

 

 

....continued in next post

[oldshirt]

.....cont

 

 

So how would you live your life if she wasn't in it?

 

Would you pursue some hobbies and other forms of enjoyment? Go out with friends? Go fishing with buddies? Would you take up some educational pursuits or seek new skills and knowledge? Would you pursue a different job or career?

 

Would you seek someone special and seek love again?

 

 

In this case you can let her live in your house,remain legally married and let her help take care of the home and family, but no longer care what she thinks or says. You no longer try to appease her or try to make her happy. You simply view it as you are a widower and your wife is dead but you have this roommate that lives in your house and helps take care of the kids. Otherwise you do as you please.

 

She has treated you worse than people treat their their platonic roommates for many years, so no reason you shouldn't disconnect your heart from her and live your life and don't give a whim what she thinks. You can treat her as a roommate but at least still be polite.

 

She is not hurting you or causing you pain or grief. It is your unrequited love and desire for her that is causing your pain. Let that love and desire go and treat her as a just another body on the street and free yourself from your desire for her love and you will set yourself free.

 

Your wife is dead. Only the body of this housemate remains. Live your own life for you.

 

This way when the kids do become grown, you will have a full life for yourself without her in it and you will be able to walk away without angst and without looking back.

[oldshirt]

In order for me to look again , and again and again at any hope in maintaining a marriage institution aged 17 years.

 

 

 

My point is that If I understand more Venus , I will be in a better place .

 

 

...so where I am going with this is that instead of trying to figure out why your wife no longer loves, desires or respects you, just accept it, pronounce it dead and move on with your own life and do whatever you want to do with your life without any regards to her.

 

Whether you want to remain legally married and allow her to remain in the house or not is your business.

 

While you are seeking answers as to why she doesn't love you, you are wasting time, energy and breath that you could be spending on living your own life.

 

You have chased her enough. You have done your due diligence and put forth sincere and valid effort in trying to reconcile your marriage. She has rejected all offers. That is on her.

 

Free yourself. Stop chasing her. Stop trying to appease her or care what she thinks. Stop caring about her feelings. Stop caring about what she says, feels or thinks. Start living your own life without regards to her.

 

Treat her only with the common decency you would extend to a complete stranger on the street.

 

She isn't even doing that with you so you are still taking the higher ground here.

 

The wife you married and once had, died years ago. You are a widower now. Start living your life as a widower would......only in this case you have the advantage that you still have the kid's mother around to take them to doctors appointments and such.

 

She treats you as a warm body to help raise kids, you start doing the same and start living the rest of your life for yourself. Live your life for you and not for trying to not make her mad.

[xxoo]

Emotionally healthy women and men don't shut their partner out for extended periods of time after conflict. Adults are supposed to have coping and communication skills that help resolve conflict successfully, but many don't learn these skills as they are developing. This has nothing to do with "women" or "men".

 

I would get very irritated, and sometimes irate, if my partner dismissed my concerns as "simple" issues. My husband would, too.

 

To have a healthy relationship in the future, take a good look at your own communication and conflict resolution skills, and look at the same in your partner.

[darkmoon]

how many kids and how old are they? maybe she is fed up with being the unpaid nanny cook cleaner 24/7ish....

[elaine567]

Venus , how many of you disconnects for days or weeks over a simple issue , such as where to put the treadmill

 

OK the treadmill.

The treadmill is a relatively big object, so it takes up space and is not an object of beauty either.

Does you wife use the treadmill or is it solely your piece of equipment?

Do the kids use the treadmill?

 

If neither her or the kids use the treadmill then it need to be somewhere where it is not going to get in the way of her or the kids. If she is house proud and sees the house as her nest, then a huge ugly treadmill taking up space somewhere that she thinks is pretty maybe, or somewhere that is going to to be a hassle to get around, is not going to go down well.

Many women are pretty territorial about their houses, they like things to look nice and to work well for what she needs to do in the house. Some women want to be in control of their home, they clean it, they look after it, they design it and they buy stuff for it, they do not need some man putting his size 10s anywhere near it, it is their domain. They may ask for advice and help re the fittings and furnishings, but they want to have the last say. (She is the interior designer, he is the handyman.)

 

If you force the issue and dump the treadmill, where you think it would be good, without taking her into consideration or if you dismiss her reasons for putting it elsewhere out of hand, she is going to be mad.

 

Sounds like she may be in a place where the only way she feels she can be heard and she can make her feelings and displeasure known, is by sulking and punishing you. This may be learnt behaviour from her childhood, but it can also be the result of losing too many battles with her man. Are you truly open to discussion or are you a man who essentially lays down the law, what you say goes.

 

You, I guess, need to put yourself in her shoes a bit more often and see where that takes you.

The two of you need to communicate a lot better.

[elaine567]

how many kids and how old are they? maybe she is fed up with being the unpaid nanny cook cleaner 24/7ish....

 

Good point darkmoon.

 

Who was this girl you married, before she became a wife and a mother?

What did she truly want out of life?

Did she really see herself as a glorified nanny, cook, cleaner for life?

Did she have hopes, ambitions and dreams of her own, that are unfulfilled, leading to her frustration and anger here maybe?

She may feel she has sacrificed her life, she may feel trapped.

Is she in fact clinically depressed?

[Phoenician]

how many kids and how old are they? maybe she is fed up with being the unpaid nanny cook cleaner 24/7ish....

 

darkmoon ,

 

yeah , fedup from day one , my kids are grown now ( 16,13,6) ; and I used to be their dad and mom for years ; because I tried for years to help her and make her feel comfortable ; for more than 15 years I used to assist in everything on daily basis ; at the end I even got her a 24x7 helper , who did everything at home ,literally everything except sleeping with me of course .

The helper used to go with me to store and select what we eat , etc ....

 

NOW we are in another seperation phase , were we are roomates , but she is trying to intimate with me ; it is a trap , just to make me me break the NC .

[TaraMaiden2]

This relationship sounds so dysfunctional, I fear even that term is inadequate....

[Phoenician]

You seem intent on blame-shifting.

To me, you want some kind of reassurance that everything you do is reasonable, and that everything she does, isn't.

.

 

I am now in a seperation phase (Again) under the same roof ; I don't care about "reassurance ...."

 

The first time true separation was 3 month ; I was totally disconnected to an extent that we don't talk except in issues related to kids/house ; when she approached me she was very sensual but it took two weeks again from her to stop being a wife and stop parenting again , loosing temper on any issue that requires from her to just move her hand ; for her as long as she is doing nothing she is a great happy wife , if I ask her to do anything for me or the family , then you can see a different person .

 

[Phoenician]

Good point darkmoon.

 

Who was this girl you married, before she became a wife and a mother?

What did she truly want out of life?

Did she really see herself as a glorified nanny, cook, cleaner for life?

Did she have hopes, ambitions and dreams of her own, that are unfulfilled, leading to her frustration and anger here maybe?

She may feel she has sacrificed her life, she may feel trapped.

Is she in fact clinically depressed?

Who was this girl you married, before she became a wife and a mother?

What did she truly want out of life?

she was a great cute lady , until vows ...

 

it seems the diagnosis that a professional gave many years back was right ....

 

he said she is BPD , lost her father at a crutial age , where punishment/rewarding/learning system was developing ;

 

Did she really see herself as a glorified nanny, cook, cleaner for life?

she claimed to be .

Did she have hopes, ambitions and dreams of her own, that are unfulfilled, leading to her frustration and anger here maybe?

Before marriage , we shared a lot of dreams , then gradually discovered that there is nothing can make her happy , house , kids , a baby boy she dreamt of for years , a beautifull mountain house , car ...etc ...

 

THE ONLY THING IN LIFE SINCE YEARS THAT MAKES HER OKEY IS :

 

DOING NOTHING , WATCHING TV FOR 15 consecutive hours ....

 

She may feel she has sacrificed her life, she may feel trapped.

 

Sacrificed what ?

 

Is she in fact clinically depressed?

 

she is only depressed if she has to sacrifice , and BPD , and refused over years to even seek consultancy .

 

 

The main issue with BPDer is that you can not go to them and tell them you are sick ; Bipolar are easier than BPD and Meds help too !

[Phoenician]

Emotionally healthy women and men don't shut their partner out for extended periods of time after conflict. Adults are supposed to have coping and communication skills that help resolve conflict successfully, but many don't learn these skills as they are developing. This has nothing to do with "women" or "men".

 

I would get very irritated, and sometimes irate, if my partner dismissed my concerns as "simple" issues. My husband would, too.

To have a healthy relationship in the future, take a good look at your own communication and conflict resolution skills, and look at the same in your partner.

 

If your husband irritate you by having a different opinion that yours on a non-crucial issue , , and he doesn't irritate you again , how many hours/days it takes from u to calm down ?

[carhill]

Without armchair quarterbacking, if the professional diagnosis was accurate, the answer to the title of your thread is 'anything'.

 

If accurate, again unknown to we internet forum members, IME it's a life sentence if the partner chooses to remain in the milieu. At best, with consistent treatment, it's like other chronic mental and emotional conditions; it's always there, lurking. Today, or this minute, might be a great one but the next minute or next day can go completely sideways.

[Phoenician]

...so where I am going with this is that instead of trying to figure out why your wife no longer loves, desires or respects you, just accept it, pronounce it dead and move on with your own life and do whatever you want to do with your life without any regards to her.

 

Whether you want to remain legally married and allow her to remain in the house or not is your business.

 

While you are seeking answers as to why she doesn't love you, you are wasting time, energy and breath that you could be spending on living your own life.

 

You have chased her enough. You have done your due diligence and put forth sincere and valid effort in trying to reconcile your marriage. She has rejected all offers. That is on her.

 

Free yourself. Stop chasing her. Stop trying to appease her or care what she thinks. Stop caring about her feelings. Stop caring about what she says, feels or thinks. Start living your own life without regards to her.

 

Treat her only with the common decency you would extend to a complete stranger on the street.

 

She isn't even doing that with you so you are still taking the higher ground here.

 

The wife you married and once had, died years ago. You are a widower now. Start living your life as a widower would......only in this case you have the advantage that you still have the kid's mother around to take them to doctors appointments and such.

 

She treats you as a warm body to help raise kids, you start doing the same and start living the rest of your life for yourself. Live your life for you and not for trying to not make her mad.

 

 

oldshirt ,

 

The logic and good reasoning makes me agree with every point you said ; better late than never The process started last year , with a separation period that was broken , when she tried to get closer to me in a different way ; peace lasted two weeks and now we are again in a another seperation period which this time seems to extend for years .

 

 

I am with the same women for 20 years , I no longer have experience of how ladies think ?

20 years with same person ;

 

the female friends I have can not really be close to me to an extent that gives me the true picture .

 

An example is that my wife is considered to be a great person at her work , she is helpfull , lovely, commited !

 

So for me , I feel no confidence anymore in my self regarding women ; what if after all this I just meet again woman who is worse than my wife ?

 

now I look at things from different perspective ; I already told her when I initiate the sepaeration that I am staying only for kids ,

 

I told her don't care anymore ...

 

The problem I am just facing is that she is approaching me now to break the NC , she is trying to be nice , committed .

 

But seems to me as another trap !

 

I already established a great fair mechnism regarding assets , and conveyed it to her , gave her the option of selling/ buying or getting a lifetime fullshare usage ; so assets and financial issues are not a concern ; and to be just clear , I committed to all expenses and education for the three kids ...

[Phoenician]

The aim from my questions , is that :

 

oldshirt might be right ,she was dead since years , but now I want to learn how to treat her with no real traces from the past ; I don't want to assume anything anymore .

[Phoenician]

Without armchair quarterbacking, if the professional diagnosis was accurate, the answer to the title of your thread is 'anything'.

 

If accurate, again unknown to we internet forum members, IME it's a life sentence if the partner chooses to remain in the milieu. At best, with consistent treatment, it's like other chronic mental and emotional conditions; it's always there, lurking. Today, or this minute, might be a great one but the next minute or next day can go completely sideways.

 

Carhill,

 

She refused treatment .

 

The problem is that BPD is very complex , where the person could be more than normal in society , yet is BPD with only closest people at home ...

 

I am trying to learn , normal women behavior when they disagree with their spouses through examples ...

 

but till now i didn't get real honest examples in this thread ....