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Husband doesn't love me anymore


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silvershadowbeliever

Right now I am so depressed. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for a long time, but my home life has really been bothering me. My husband treats me as if our issues are all my fault because of my social anxiety. I try to so hard to feel the love we once had many years ago...I try to accept things as they are. But part of me believes he no longer cares for me. I am not the best wife, but I did try to make him cakes, order cupcakes or surprise him for his birthday. I try to show I care. But when it comes to my birthdays or anniversaries...I am planning it all myself. He is never spontaneous with me at all. When I try to tell him how I feel, he just blames my anxieties and screams at me. So I can never tell him anything that bothers me. I believe these issues have over time increased not only social anxiety, but I have closed myself off to others. He never comforts me when I am sad...just yells and screams at me, calls me obscenities. He doesn't appreciate anything I do or show it.

 

I told him I already know he doesn't love me or care for me anymore like he used to and that he can leave. He yells at me that he does, tells me I need to shut up and not go on. I want so much just to make it work, but I am so depressed and just want to come home to someone who loves me for me and returns my gestures. Right now, I have given up, not wanting to bother anymore. My self esteem has suffered as a result. I had a nasty childhood growing up and pretty much have been abandoned by a lot of people in my life. This probably isn't the man for me and for the past several years, I didn't want to see that. I wanted so much to make it work. I used to make friends easily, but now I am starting to realize how closed off I have become. Even my boss said I lack emotion. Maybe I do. But I hurt so much inside and I'm tired of my life. Everything else in my life, despite my nasty start in life seems to be going ok, not great, but ok. I just wish my husband would leave if he no longer cares for me. I'm so tired of being hurt over and over. I can't talk to him about anything.

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Seek therapy. Seriously. It's possible your husband is a total jerk and that you need o leave him. It's also possible that your anxiety and depression are the cause of these thoughts, the arguments, etc. It's even possible that any medication you may be on is either ineffective for you or is the cause of some of your feelings and that you need a different medication.

 

If it helps any, I get up an hour earlier than my DH so that I can cook him breakfast, make and assemble his lunch and portable cooler of water, get his clothes and boots ready, etc. every morning. I also do all of the housework, yard work (with the kids help), repairs, handle the bills and budget and so on.

 

My DH is one of those guys who sees no reason to buy gifts or cards or anything else for "Hallmark Holidays" like Valentines, Sweetest Day, Mothers Day and he even includes anniversaries in that category. He has never been big on Christmas, either. He thinks that if I want/need something I can just check the finances and if we have the money I should just go and buy it.

 

I used to be hurt. I used to think he didn't love me because he didn't buy flowers and a card or a nice present. Over the years and through communication I learned that he shows he loves me by fully supporting our family by going to work rain, shine, or illness and in other ways that I wasn't picking up on. And that he wasn't making some lame excuse, he really does have a hatred for "Hallmark Holidays" and that he really does think expressions of love on those days are meaningless. He feels that those "holidays" are merely "cues to buy stuff and f*ck". So, I learned to see other ways he shows he cares and he's learned to occasionally make a drive to our old town and buy me my favorite Chinese food on my birthday.

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miseenscene

I just wish my husband would leave if he no longer cares for me. I'm so tired of being hurt over and over.

 

I used to be married to a man like your husband. Mine was abusive in different ways, but what you have there is an abusive relationship -- it is not okay to scream at your partner and call them obscenities. Regarding the quote I excerpted above -- you are choosing to put yourself in a passive role, wishing that your husband would leave. You also have the choice to leave. You are caught up in that "if" -- if he no longer cares for me, he should leave. If he does not care about me, this relationship should be over. Then you passive-aggressively you ask him -- a man who screams obscenities at you -- "do you care about me?" (which is what saying "I know you don't care about me anymore, you can leave" is) and you get a verbal "yes" that is completely belied by all his actions. That keeps you stuck in that confusing place, where you rely on someone who shows you with his actions that he does not care to validate or invalidate your reality, to confirm or deny that "if" conditionality.

 

I am all for couples trying to work out problems, but usually when people say "I wish he/she would leave me" that means "I want to leave them but I am too scared to."

 

I know that sometimes it can be a long process, because there is a lot of denial to work through, but it sounds like your post and the thoughts in it is part of that process, so that is good. I think as you are less and less able to maintain denial, and work through your fears more, you will feel ready to shift from "I wish he would leave me" to "I can leave him." In the meantime, you have absolutely nothing to lose by no longer enabling your part of this unhealthy dynamic. This is NOT to say that his abusive behavior is in any way your fault -- that is 100% on him -- but you keep trying to please him and make things work and he is hurtful and abusive in return.

 

It also sounds like your childhood experiences may have primed you for a relationship with someone who you are always aiming to please and who treats you like you are never good enough. If you have access to individual counseling, those would be good things to explore there. If you don't, a local CODA chapter, or even an Al-Anon chapter (does not matter if there is no alcoholism, lots of people who go there for all sorts of codependency issues), that could also help you get the tools to hold on to yourself in this situation.

 

The last thing I wanted to say, in case it did not come through in my reply, I am sorry that you are hurting so much. Acknowledging and verbalizing your unhappiness, even to yourself, or an anonymous internet forum, is a very important step in making choices that will help you heal.

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It's possible that you're depressed because you're in a depressing situation. I would make a positive change. Anything...it could be a small change for 30 days. Then another, and another. These things will build your confidence and help you change your situation or get out of it.

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It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. You see him not liking you & when he does something or doesn't do something you use that as evidence.

 

You have to stop doing that & start praising the things he does do. My husband isn't very creative so I have to be more direct. For example: My 50th is coming up so I said to him I want the trip of a lifetime. please take me to Hawaii. Here are some resources you will need & the number of a good TA. I know he will make that happen. On a smaller scale I have told him that when I'm upset I need a hug. If that doesn't help try wine or ice cream. He always does because he feels like he has tools & guidance. Some days I will say I'm miserable, can you please hold me, take me out to dinner, do the dishes . . . whatever it is that I need. Again while it would be better if he figure some of this out on his own I am still grateful & thankful when he takes some action.

 

So start being appreciative of things your husband is doing, even the smallest think like making the bed or taking out the garbage. Ask that he do the bigger things but be specific. Crying, you never do anything for me, doesn't help some men. Saying I'd like a birthday cake is specific.

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silvershadowbeliever
It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. You see him not liking you & when he does something or doesn't do something you use that as evidence.

 

You have to stop doing that & start praising the things he does do. My husband isn't very creative so I have to be more direct. For example: My 50th is coming up so I said to him I want the trip of a lifetime. please take me to Hawaii. Here are some resources you will need & the number of a good TA. I know he will make that happen. On a smaller scale I have told him that when I'm upset I need a hug. If that doesn't help try wine or ice cream. He always does because he feels like he has tools & guidance. Some days I will say I'm miserable, can you please hold me, take me out to dinner, do the dishes . . . whatever it is that I need. Again while it would be better if he figure some of this out on his own I am still grateful & thankful when he takes some action.

 

So start being appreciative of things your husband is doing, even the smallest think like making the bed or taking out the garbage. Ask that he do the bigger things but be specific. Crying, you never do anything for me, doesn't help some men. Saying I'd like a birthday cake is specific.

 

He's asked many many many times things I'd like on my birthday and I have told him many many times, but when the issue presents itself again, he keeps repeating the same answer. "I don't know what you like or want"...even though I have answered that question many times. If it's not that, it's "i don't have enough money". Whenever I try to tell him what's bothering me, he just starts getting defensive and yelling at me and then cutting me down. Basically he never wants to hear anything I have to say and I just feel like I cannot communicate with him, because I'll just get cut down and my feelings are invalidated.

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Are you asking for the moon?

 

Are you appreciative of things he does do? that sometimes helps motivate people to do things they don't want.

 

But if you are really that unhappy, what are you doing to change your situation?

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You are in an abusive relationship and have been beaten down.

 

You need to seek an abuse counselor and take their assessment.

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Hopeful714

This needs to stop.

 

I can't get over all these women that take care of everything for a man and get absolutely nothing back except the fact he goes to work daily? Really?

 

 

Who are these guys and where have the been for the past 40 years...under a rock?

 

I go to work and go every single day too..., rain, shine, blizzard. Then I come home and take care of my home, grocery, food, laundry, bills, car, calls, etc. Yes, I am single. And and if any of my "free time" which is very little, is going to be spent on catering to a man, he BETTER have something to offer to ME and the relationship or I will hit the road. If it's really TOO much to ask that he pick up flowers, or a b day card, or do SOMETHING to show he cares now and then..WOW. Just wow.

 

Slavery ended long ago. These men described in this post are way behind the times here. Not to mention flat out lazy and resistant to change. Men are not children and need to accept responsibilities and life without pokes, prods and the expectation of rewards done in hopes to train them like circus animals or dogs.

But, I guess if a woman a accepts this type of bad behavior, hey, why not live like a Neanderthal? After all it's easy. God forbid these men have to out of their way.

 

Sorry for my rant.

 

Poster, pls get yourself together and strong and get out of this situation.

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Right now I am so depressed. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for a long time, but my home life has really been bothering me. My husband treats me as if our issues are all my fault because of my social anxiety.

 

What do you mean by the bolded? What are the issues in your marriage, from your husband's point of view?

 

I try to so hard to feel the love we once had many years ago...I try to accept things as they are. But part of me believes he no longer cares for me. I am not the best wife, but I did try to make him cakes, order cupcakes or surprise him for his birthday. I try to show I care.

 

What do you mean by the bolded?

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When I try to tell him how I feel, he just blames my anxieties and screams at me. So I can never tell him anything that bothers me. I believe these issues have over time increased not only social anxiety, but I have closed myself off to others. He never comforts me when I am sad...just yells and screams at me, calls me obscenities. He doesn't appreciate anything I do or show it.

 

I cannot understand the wives who are telling her that maybe she needs to look at other ways that her husband might be showing her he loves her. She already feels like things are her fault, and your comments only continue to point the finger at her. Her husband is abusive, and that is where the focus should be. It is NEVER ok for a spouse to yell, scream and call their spouse obscenities. NEVER. The fact that this is his reaction is an indicator of the problems, which are not hers. If I were you OP, I would get out of there ASAP. Your relationship is very dysfunctional and unhealthy especially for someone dealing with anxiety and depression. I hope you are seeing someone for your depression and your anxiety. If not, you need to and please include understanding how unhealthy your marriage is. You deserve better. You do deserve to have a husband who will treat you with respect and yes, show you he cares. You must believe that you deserve better first. Please seek IC and find a way to get out of the situation you are in.

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miseenscene
I cannot understand the wives who are telling her that maybe she needs to look at other ways that her husband might be showing her he loves her.

 

Thank you! I also don't understand responses to what is clearly an abusive situation of "well maybe you don't appreciate him enough!"

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I do think this is an abusive relationship. It's kind of tricky because your depression and anxiety could maybe influence they way you perceive things the way you do, but him screaming and calling you obscenities is abusive and not at all helpful. You should not be around that.

 

Do whatever it is you need to do to be ready to move into your own place where he is not invited. Figure out what it is you'll need and work toward it. Need a job? Need transportation? Need childcare? More counseling? What would it take for you to be able to live on your own?

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Also, OP, this was a very good post and I'm quoting it so you'll read it again:

 

I used to be married to a man like your husband. Mine was abusive in different ways, but what you have there is an abusive relationship -- it is not okay to scream at your partner and call them obscenities. Regarding the quote I excerpted above -- you are choosing to put yourself in a passive role, wishing that your husband would leave. You also have the choice to leave. You are caught up in that "if" -- if he no longer cares for me, he should leave. If he does not care about me, this relationship should be over. Then you passive-aggressively you ask him -- a man who screams obscenities at you -- "do you care about me?" (which is what saying "I know you don't care about me anymore, you can leave" is) and you get a verbal "yes" that is completely belied by all his actions. That keeps you stuck in that confusing place, where you rely on someone who shows you with his actions that he does not care to validate or invalidate your reality, to confirm or deny that "if" conditionality.

 

I am all for couples trying to work out problems, but usually when people say "I wish he/she would leave me" that means "I want to leave them but I am too scared to."

 

I know that sometimes it can be a long process, because there is a lot of denial to work through, but it sounds like your post and the thoughts in it is part of that process, so that is good. I think as you are less and less able to maintain denial, and work through your fears more, you will feel ready to shift from "I wish he would leave me" to "I can leave him." In the meantime, you have absolutely nothing to lose by no longer enabling your part of this unhealthy dynamic. This is NOT to say that his abusive behavior is in any way your fault -- that is 100% on him -- but you keep trying to please him and make things work and he is hurtful and abusive in return.

 

It also sounds like your childhood experiences may have primed you for a relationship with someone who you are always aiming to please and who treats you like you are never good enough. If you have access to individual counseling, those would be good things to explore there. If you don't, a local CODA chapter, or even an Al-Anon chapter (does not matter if there is no alcoholism, lots of people who go there for all sorts of codependency issues), that could also help you get the tools to hold on to yourself in this situation.

 

The last thing I wanted to say, in case it did not come through in my reply, I am sorry that you are hurting so much. Acknowledging and verbalizing your unhappiness, even to yourself, or an anonymous internet forum, is a very important step in making choices that will help you heal.

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a couple thoughts:

 

 

you and he are not communicating. I can not tell from this short thread if HE is an ahole or not, but what you need in the relationship (small tokens of affection) he does not realize are important at all and blows them off. Try reading "the 5 love languages book" and you might be able to communicate with him better, and explain to him how to communicate with you. JUST BECAUSE he forgets your birthday present does not necessarily mean he does not love you--it just might be the type of man he is. Maybe he is desperately trying to show you his love some other way that you do not recognize.

 

 

You do seem to be "in your head" a lot about this relationship. You are probably more introverted and he is more extroverted, and that causes friction. But there ARE such things as kinky introverts....they can still have good relationships and fun...just on a smaller scale friend-wise. Try to find some like-minded groups of introverts to talk with.

 

 

Are you hitting the gym? The best way to get a better mental attitude, and science confirms this, is 30 minutes of aerobic exercise EACH DAY. get that, and these issues may seem more manageable.

Edited by spanz1
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Any updates, OP? Do you have anything to say to the people who offered their opinions?

 

Hope everything is going well with you.

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