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Why Would My Brother Kill Himself Over a Woman?


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Cephalopod

I just buried my older brother last week and I am an empty shell. He was the best man I knew, and he left behind three kids who adored him. All for a low down cheating wife.

 

Have any of you ever known anyone who committed suicide as a result of being betrayed by their partner, or were thinking of ending it after being betrayed and drug through the mud by the one person who was supposed to love and cherish them more than any other? Looking back, what were the signs they were considering ending their life? I want to know why I failed my brother and why I did not see what was happening and what he was about to do. Please help me understand this.

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Yes I did. My young friend's wife was going to leave him and not let him see his daughter again. I actually found this out after he took his life so I unfortunately had no idea it was coming.

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I_Give_Up67

So sorry for your loss. Back in the early 80's when I was just a teenager, one of my older first cousins had a girlfriend that we loved dearly. We loved to go spend the weekends at their place. They would pay us to watch her young children while they went clubbing. While she was pregnant, my cousin began seeing other women and he had me cover for him. I was still just a kid, but I knew helping him hide the fact that he was cheating was wrong.

 

She knew he was seeing another woman, and went as far as to ask me to keep and eye out and let her know if I saw him with another woman. She ended up having a miscarriage. She spent the night in the hospital alone while my cousin was with his OW. I was staying at their place watching the children, when she kept calling from the hospital all night long looking for my cousin. I kept giving her the excuses my cousin told me to tell her.

 

Two weeks later my Mom received a phone call from the police to come to the residence of my cousin and his GF. Upon arrival, a homicide detective met us at the car and informed us the GF took her own life that evening. My Mom was asked to take the children away while the investigation took place. We later found out that she confirmed that my cousin did indeed have another woman, and she shot herself in front of him.

 

Warning signs were many (in hindsight). Her mother had taken her own life five years earlier (over a man). Her oldest sister and youngest brother, both had attempted suicide multiple times. She became so withdrawn in the days before she took her own life, that she did not even want anyone to visit or to be around her own children.

 

Again, sorry for your loss.

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Cephalopod

Those are heart-wrenching stories. Thank you for sharing them. I guess I am mostly upset that my brother did not feel like he could come to me and talk about what was going on between him and that creature he was married to.

 

My brother was ten years older than me. He had already left home when I was old enough to know the difference, and he stayed gone for years because he was in the Air Force stationed in Europe and across the country. I never really got to know my brother very well. When he retired from the service three years ago, and moved with is wife and family back here to our home state, he and I finally got the chance to hang out and create the relationship with each other that we had both been missing.

 

Now that hope is all gone. All because his wife couldn't keep her legs closed.

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I too am sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing somebody to suicide.

 

Check out a group called Walk Out of the Darkness. They do a lot for survivors. They helped me.

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Jessie1231

I'm very sorry for your loss. The best I can say (from experience) is that there are times in your life where so much goes wrong at one time, you don't see that there's a chance things will get better. Things just seem hopeless.

 

I'm glad that you posted this, because I hope that people who are considering entering an affair can see how much pain it can cause to so many people besides the two people involved in an affair.

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Methodical
I just buried my older brother last week and I am an empty shell. He was the best man I knew, and he left behind three kids who adored him. All for a low down cheating wife.

 

Have any of you ever known anyone who committed suicide as a result of being betrayed by their partner, or were thinking of ending it after being betrayed and drug through the mud by the one person who was supposed to love and cherish them more than any other? Looking back, what were the signs they were considering ending their life? I want to know why I failed my brother and why I did not see what was happening and what he was about to do. Please help me understand this.

 

First of all, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

 

There are times when people are depressed and "give us signs" by saying things like: life isn't worth living, I can't go on, I don't want to live like this, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, etc., etc.,.and their actions confirm what they're saying. In most instances, not all, people who give these warning signs don't really want to end their life. They're making a plea for help, trying to "indirectly" ask for help, rather than saying, "hey, I'm suicidal and need help."

 

Then there are people who give no signs, no clues, no hints, nothing. Some people snap and take their life spur of the moment, without thought of repercussions to those left behind. Others plan and plot, they decide when, where and how. Often, they even appear quite happy just before doing the deed...bc they have a plan to end their misery...they have created their light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Someone who truly wants to take their life will often do it with no forewarning bc they know deep down you'll try to stop them and that's not what they want.

 

I was fortunate in that my parent did give warning signs and I had to make some to the hardest decisions of my life. During and immediately following the aftermath, all fingers were pointed at me for having made difficult medical decisions and I took all the blame bc ultimately I'd have overruled other opinions had they differed from mine at the time. Later, when questioned about why, I simply asked a question back...If the situation were reversed given the same circumstances, and you thought there was a chance at saving me, what would you have done? My decision has never been questioned since that day and that was over a decade ago.

 

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! So sorry for the pain you are going thru.

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I_Give_Up67
I guess I am mostly upset that my brother did not feel like he could come to me and talk about what was going on between him and that creature he was married to.

 

 

I've never reached a low point in my life that I have ever seriously considered taking my own life. But I have been at a point where talking about my problems was not an option either, especially not with family or even friends.

 

In fact, I refused to see or even speak with my family or close friends for over a year, because I did not want to face them at the time. I was in a very dark place at the time, and I could not have been reached by anyone. If you could step into a time machine and go back to before your brother ending his life, it may not have changed the ultimate outcome.

 

Do not feel guilty or bad that you did not see this coming or think you could have prevented it.

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I can relate to what your brother suffered.

 

I am also a "good guy" and have been my entire life. Unfortunately, I had all of my eggs in one basket - my wife, marriage, and children were really the only things I cared about. I never really wanted much for myself. And I naively felt secure that nothing would threaten them. They were my only investment and it stayed that way for decades.

 

When I discovered my wife's affair, it had been going on for over a year. It was a highly physical affair. And my wife continued to lie as I found more and more disturbing truths. I was desperate to stop the bleeding and to reconcile the marriage but things kept getting worse instead of better. The things I found were over the top and put the final nail in the coffin. It reached a point where it was irreparable and my hope was gone. I'd lost everything.

 

There was a long period where I would have preferred to be dead. If it weren't for my children, it may well have happened. I just couldn't do it to them.

 

I don't think I told anyone. You can't blame yourself. This was between your brother and his wife. It had nothing to do with you.

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Phoenician

Sorry man for ur loss ,may god bless his soul.

Extreem anger can lead to anything.

 

Over my 17 years of misfortune with dear wife

I never tried to taje my life .but in couple of times i was close to do itt

Iwas deprived months from sex and was on cymbalta for

Fibromioligia ,didnt know that stoping it suddenly might cause

Me to haveissues.

Since then i never took it again

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Cephalopod
Others plan and plot, they decide when, where and how. Often, they even appear quite happy just before doing the deed...bc they have a plan to end their misery...they have created their light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I'm pretty sure this is what my brother did. He found out about three months ago she had been in an affair with another man for well over a year. He begged her to end it but she wouldn't. They even went to marriage counseling for a couple of sessions but she still would not break it off with the other guy. Our whole family was thrown into turmoil, and still she would not change her mind. She moved out of their house at the beginning of April.

 

Then about three weeks ago he went quiet. Two days before he committed suicide he came by my house and had a beer and watched TV with me. I asked him about the split but he wouldn't say much, only that he and sister in law were heading for divorce. He gave me a hug before he left and told me he appreciated having me for a brother. I didn't think anything of it. I had no idea he was telling me goodbye.

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Cephalopod
When I discovered my wife's affair, it had been going on for over a year. It was a highly physical affair. And my wife continued to lie as I found more and more disturbing truths. I was desperate to stop the bleeding and to reconcile the marriage but things kept getting worse instead of better. The things I found were over the top and put the final nail in the coffin. It reached a point where it was irreparable and my hope was gone. I'd lost everything.

 

This is what my sister in law was doing. My brother had to pry the truth out of her. From what I gather, she was stalling and waiting for the other man to leave his wife.

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I'll share my story.

 

I once suffered a terrible betrayal in the hands of a couple of people who I deemed as very good friends. These people had once been in a terrible ordeal and I helped to get them out of it.

Their way of "repaying" me was to involve my name in a financial scam that caused me to be financially ruined and almost got me into jail. I tried to make them pay for what they'd done, but I found it to no avail.

 

Both the police and my lawyer told me that I couldn't do anything to those people because they were "protected" by higher (political) powers. The police themselves even said that the only way I could repay get at them would be through violence. But I had to take care to wear a mask when doing the job. The all thing was so surreal that, in retrospect, it almost looks like the plot of a B-movie crime thriller.

 

Needless to say, I was devastated. I barely managed to avoid being sent to prison and I lost every cent I had. I really went through some terrible times.

95% of my family and friends deserted me. I never asked a dime to anyone. And, fortunately, with a lot of effort, I managed to pay all my debts by myself.

Yet, almost all of my good "friends" and family never even bothered to ask how I was coping with the situation or if I had enough money to eat.

The only people who seemed to genuinely care for me were those who were also in bad spots.

 

Imagine: people who had been my friends for over 30 years suddenly abandoning me and pretending I didn't exist, just because I was having problems.

 

I learned a severe lesson concerning society as a whole in those times. A harsh, tough lesson: that most people are really selfish bastards who only care about themselves and who only gravitate towards you when there's something to be gained by staying with you.

There are very good and kind people on this Earth. You can be certain of that. Unfortunately, they are very few.

 

I too contemplated suicide. Because my views of the world and people and been shattered. I was forced to see the truth. And, boy, was it an ugly one! I soon realized that, if I were to keep living, I'd have to see the world for what it is: a very beautiful planet, filled with very ugly people.

It's a terrible ordeal to keep living, seeing things this way.

Nowadays that doesn't affect me much. I like to live and I manage to have fun. Lots of it. Yet I tend to see most people as "dangerous".

 

A similar thing happened with your brother. His world too was shattered. Everything he believed in crashed to the ground. And he probably asked himself this following question: "if the person who said to love me the most did such a thing to me, who will I trust from now on? If my wife is a monster then almost everyone has to be a monster too."

 

When someone asks themselves this question, the answer may be an ugly one. And your brother was probably too gentle and kind to see himself surviving in a world of liars and hypocrites.

Sure. He had his 3 children. He should live for them. But how would he be able to face them? How would he be able to teach them how to live in a world in which he, himself, didn't find any meaning and sense?

 

He was suffering too much. And he ended his suffering the only way he could.

Please, dont see your brother as weak or as a coward. Only a very desperate and destroyed person can make such aan extremel action.

There was nothing that you could've done. You were his brother. He certainly knew he could depend on you if he wanted. But, deep down, he felt that no-one could give him the help and answers that he needed.

Only he could decide if this was a world worth living in or not. In the end, he thought it wasn't.

 

Only we know the dimension of the pain we're suffering. And some wounds (physical and psychological) are too deep to heal.

 

You can still help your brother now. By helping your 3 nephews through their lives. The legacy of your brother lives in them.

Help them and tell them not to think wrong of their father for doing what he did. Tell them that he did it because he didn't want his children to see how destroyed he was. He wanted his kids to have a strong, happy father, and not one who felt hollow and dead inside.

 

I just wanted to share my story. As you can see I have a very grim view of the world. Most of it acquired by what I've suffered and see other suffer. Your brother, at least, in now in absolute peace. No harm may come to him now.

 

Please, stay strong and help to support his kids. Teach them to be both strong and kind. Tell them that this can be an ugly and cruel world, but that they can always find solace and support in each other. And that together, as brothers, they can fight and destroy the evils of this world.

 

Peace to you, your family and your brother's children.

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Cephalopod

I just keep replaying that last night I saw him over and over in my mind. I should have seen the signs. He was very calm, didn't seem upset, and he was very sweet to my young daughter, telling her how much he loved her. He was talking about the past a lot, how much fun we had going camping and fishing when we were kids. Like he was reminiscing.

 

Had I been smart enough to realize what was going on I would have confronted him. I would not have let him leave my house. I would have jumped on him and tied him to the bannister, and then called the cops had I been paying better attention! I feel like such an idiot!

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Cephalopod
Needless to say, I was devastated. I barely managed to avoid being sent to prison and I lost every cent I had. I really went through some terrible times.

95% of my family and friends deserted me. I never asked a dime to anyone. And, fortunately, with a lot of effort, I managed to pay all my debts by myself.

Yet, almost all of my good "friends" and family never even bothered to ask how I was coping with the situation or if I had enough money to eat.

The only people who seemed to genuinely care for me were those who were also in bad spots.

 

Imagine: people who had been my friends for over 30 years suddenly abandoning me and pretending I didn't exist, just because I was having problems.

 

That is so heartbreaking. You are so strong my friend. Thank you for sharing that with me.

 

I guess that is what makes me even angrier about my brother: everyone was on his side! It wasn't like we had abandoned him. We all circled the wagons and did what we could to help him through the ordeal. We have a pretty close family (four siblings) even though our parents have passed on. My sisters and I were calling him every day, and my sister who lives here was going over to his house every day to bring him home cooked meals and see how he was doing.

 

I divorced my ex-wife three years ago due to her prescription drug abuse and affairs, and I am now a single dad of a beautiful daughter. I think had some experience with what he had gone through, and I would have been more than happy to share my experience with him. But, I'm the baby of the family, so what do I know huh?

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I guess that is what makes me even angrier about my brother: everyone was on his side! It wasn't like we had abandoned him. We all circled the wagons and did what we could to help him through the ordeal. We have a pretty close family (four siblings) even though our parents have passed on. My sisters and I were calling him every day, and my sister who lives here was going over to his house every day to bring him home cooked meals and see how he was doing.

 

I divorced my ex-wife three years ago due to her prescription drug abuse and affairs, and I am now a single dad of a beautiful daughter. I think had some experience with what he had gone through, and I would have been more than happy to share my experience with him. But, I'm the baby of the family, so what do I know huh?

Please, I have to say: don't look down on your brother for doing it. Don't see him as a coward or any other thing.

We each have our own sensibilities. And we all deal with pain in different ways.

 

Imagine that you had an accident and you were condemned to stay paralyzed, in a bed, for the rest of your life. Your body completely numb. You could only move your head and talk. Imagine such a scenario.

Would you find happiness and comfort in life?

 

I, for sure, would rather be dead, than in such a state. In fact I'm a strong advocate for euthanasia in such extreme situations. Every human being should be allowed to live life to the fullest. With joy and health.

 

Your brother was feeling emotionally dumb. The fact that he went to your house to grab some beers and watch tv, while knowing he was gonna kill himself, details the ammount of trauma and damage he had suffered. Not a tear. Not a regret.

He went to your house to see you and review his past life with his closest family. Not even those good memories were enough to refrain him.

 

Please, don't be angry with your brother. Divert that anger to those who hurt him and were responsible for his suffering.

He was a good father and a good brother from what I can see, through your statement. Cherish the good moments you had with him and honour his memory by taking care of his kids.

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Cephalopod
You did not fail your brother. His death is not your fault.

 

I know that RoseVille.

 

And I thank you all for your kind support. I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and neck trying to make sense of why such a kind, brilliant man would allow the actions of one idiot to steer him to take his own life. He wasn't too old to find a new woman and start a new life. He had so much to live for.

 

He was a handsome man for his 56 years, and in very good shape. He was liked and respected by everyone who knew him. He had an ample, full retirement after thirty five years in the Air Force. His house was paid off. He volunteered helping wounded Iraq/Afghan veterans. The list goes on and on.

 

I'm so furious right now I'm shaking!!! I had to take time off from work, so I'm at home today. I just couldn't go in. The whole family is in shock. My sisters are beyond consoling. My daughter has slept with me the last three nights, because somehow she thinks I will kill myself! This has been very hard on her. She loved her uncle.

 

It is absolutely, without a doubt, the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. My mom's cancer, even the horrors of my breakup with my ex-wife, were no match for the pain I'm going through now.

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Phoenician

Be strong for ur daughter ,tell her she can cry because

This heals soul . Tell her not to worry because u want to watch her wedding

 

 

Hugs

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Cephalopod
Your brother was feeling emotionally dumb. The fact that he went to your house to grab some beers and watch tv, while knowing he was gonna kill himself, details the ammount of trauma and damage he had suffered. Not a tear. Not a regret.

He went to your house to see you and review his past life with his closest family. Not even those good memories were enough to refrain him.

 

Please, don't be angry with your brother. Divert that anger to those who hurt him and were responsible for his suffering.

He was a good father and a good brother from what I can see, through your statement. Cherish the good moments you had with him and honour his memory by taking care of his kids.

 

Thank you for this. I tell myself that he was beyond the point of no return. My uncle (dad's brother) pointed out that even if I had called the cops and had him taken in for suicide watch, they would have released him a couple days later anyway, and he would have went ahead with it regardless. My uncle is a retired cop and he has seen lots of suicides and dealt with many families who lost loved ones, and he told us that once a person is set on ending things there is very little you can do, short of giving them a lobotomy, to stop them.

 

I have been reaching out to my brother's kids and calling them at least every other day. Two of them have flown back to their respective states and the youngest will be coming back here to stay with my sister after her first year of college is over. I hope I can step in and be a surrogate father figure to her. The poor girl is so lost, and her mother is useless...absolutely useless.

 

What is ironic is that now they have my sister in law on suicide watch. Can you believe that?

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Cephalopod

If any of you on this forum who are reading this thread are considering suicide, please don't!!! You have no idea the pain and misery you will inflict on your families and the people who love you. Get some help please!

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I don't know every detail about the situation, but my grandparents had a very tumultuous marriage. When my mother was 5 years old, my grandmother committed suicide at the kitchen table right in front of her. She drank a cocktail she made of rat poison and whiskey.

 

Grandma chose to end her life on my Grandpa's birthday while pregnant with who would have been their 3rd child. I believe it was because my grandfather, while wonderful to us kids, was a real bastard to his wife and was without a doubt at very least mentally abusive.

 

My own mother tried to commit suicide multiple times. At one point she was hospitalized for psychiatric treatment and was under the care of a psychiatrist on an out patient basis for years. A lot of her problems stemmed from a terrible marriage and failed relationships afterward.

 

Like my grandmother and mother, your brother was broken. He'd reached his limit and there was nothing you could have done beyond what you and your other siblings were already doing. Mourn him. Love him. Keep his memory in your heart. Please don't blame yourself.

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What is ironic is that now they have my sister in law on suicide watch. Can you believe that?

 

Actually I can. When my EX died a lot of people were concerned about how I was reacting. She probably feels even more guilty that she caused this then you do for failing your brother. You didn't fail him & she didn't cause this.

 

Please get involved with a survivor's group. It will help. I promise.

 

I actually stayed in touch with my EX's son after his death. The kid, 18 at the time, took it hard but he did know his father was mentally ill. Talking about his dad helped so let your brother's kids talk.

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