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He is engaged after less than a week of meeting her!


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newlywedder

My young friend, I will call Chris, met a woman on a Christian dating site, I will call Debbie, a few months ago but recently met her in person. He must have been blown away by her because now he is engaged after knowing her one week in person.

 

My family is really good friends with his family so we are all against this speedy union. He really should spend more time with her before they get married at least. However, he wants to marry her by the end of the month!! Debbie already has a wedding dress from a previous marriage that she is going to use! :eek:

 

Did I mention she also has 2 kids from the marriage (one is 13) and is 12 years older than Chris, who is 19?? It is just insanity! We don't know what to do about this. Any advice?

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Mr. Lucky
Any advice?

 

Get popcorn and chair, sit back and watch. Nothing you can do, some things people have to find out for themselves.

 

Besides, how do you know they won't live happily ever after :confused: ??? Stranger things have happened...

 

Mr. Lucky

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d0nnivain

I would ask some probing Qs designed to make him think but do not outright attack her or his decision Suggest a LONG engagement.

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Suggest they wait and have a really fancy wedding that will take months to arrange.

 

 

Not much you can do other than ask questions that plant doubts in his mind about what he is doing.

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understand50

Well..............

 

I think I can make a few assumptions:

 

1) I take it Chris, due to his faith, has not had much experience with relationships. He see this as his first real love.

 

2) Older women can be very attractive, and some guys prefer them. Chris being one of them.

 

3) She is in need of being rescued.

 

There maybe nothing you can do. First hot love with someone is real enticing. If you and his family push, it just will make him want her more. I just do not see this ending well.

 

Only thing that may help is to investigate her background and see if there are any big red flags, that may come up. As she is older, there maybe something. Chris, should at least know all before he marries. Put it to him that way, and it may help. Time is your friend, I would agree to help, "Dude, we need some time to do this wedding right". So, try and get as much time as you can to let him get over the "first hot love" phase, and let him think about what he is going to do. Keep in mind no mater what happens he is going to get hurt, but, if it was my son, I would offer to help out with the wedding, but only if he takes a year. I would work to plan the wedding to show I was serious in helping and just hoping it does not happen. The longer it takes, the more time for him to think about it, the better. Does his church offer pre-marriage counseling? Ask him to go trough it with her.

 

In the end he may decide to go ahead, but we will with his eyes wide open.

 

I am not the best resource on being 19 and getting married, that was my age when my still present (older by 2 years) wife and I tied the knot. we are at 40 years and counting, but I will concede, that we are fugitives from the law of averages.

 

I hope for the best.

 

 

 

15981600

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People open up and are more honest online. They may have gotten to know each other more than you think through email and chatting, phone calls.

 

What to you feels like a stranger to him feels like a months long relationship--because it is!

 

That said, there's a difference between knowing someone on and offline so yeah either way he doesn't have to rush into things. You could put it to him like this: He spent a few months getting to know her online so he could spend a few months getting to know her offline. That seems reasonable to me...maybe it will be to him.

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mrs rubble

Have they been to pre-martial counselling with their pastor?? Suggest they do if they haven't. Insist that as Christian's it is an essential requirement. Maybe the pastor can help them both to determine whether this is a good idea or not.

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your friend is a complete idiot. If he is a devout Christian, have a priest or minister have a long talk with him! they will advise a lengthy engagement to get to know each other

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Are they the "no sex before marriage" type of christians? At 19, the prospect of religiously-sanctioned sex could be a driving force for him.

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Have they been to pre-martial counselling with their pastor?? Suggest they do if they haven't. Insist that as Christian's it is an essential requirement. Maybe the pastor can help them both to determine whether this is a good idea or not.

 

YES! Many faiths have a required period of pre-marital counseling. My faith usually requires 6 months of marriage prep. So, advise your friend and his fiancee to speak with their pastor and begin marriage prep. As Christians, they should believe that marriage is for life and be properly prepared with the tools they'll need to have a good, strong, Christian marriage.

 

Hopefully, by the time they are into marriage prep they'll realize they're either a perfect match (highly unlikely) or they'll come to their senses and part friends.

 

Are they the "no sex before marriage" type of christians? At 19, the prospect of religiously-sanctioned sex could be a driving force for him.

 

This is possible. It's also possible that the friend is sexually inexperienced or has little experience and this woman is either putting out (which means friend is jacked up on sex hormones) or she is teasing him in order to get that ring on her finger (in which case he is jacked up on hormones AND being manipulated).

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newlywedder

Yes he is a virgin and she is his first relationship and first kiss. Chris was homeschooled so very very sheltered. He wants to wait until marriage before having sex with anyone and is deeply religious. He doesn't even have a job and lives with his parents for crying out loud. He was going to college but dropped out a few months ago. They have their wedding planned for May 30th at city hall. His parents are floored that he won't get married at church or wait for any relatives to come. We just don't know what to think of this. I met the lady last week and she seemed very nice. She does not have a job either and is on welfare and gets child support.

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Cephalopod
We don't know what to do about this. Any advice?

 

Stay out of it. It is not your business.

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Well, I've been "Chris" before. The difference is, I didn't get engaged to her and did not want to marry her. I was his age, she was around 30. She had kids. I was in no position to be a stepdad or in a serious relationship. However, this woman was who I lost my virginity to. I thought she was to the moon and back. She knew things, she taught me things and she dominated behind bedroom doors. She was a horny, horny woman and I was 19.............you do the math. I was obviously very horny myself. There were times I thought I should stay with her solely for the sex, but this shows you I was stupid. I was young and naïve. I look back and thank God nothing else materialized.

 

 

What I am saying, is that Chris could be in this situation. One week is NOT enough time to get engaged. You will be on your best behaviour over 6 months or so when you first meet someone let alone a week. You can't read a person in one week.

 

 

Tell him that. It probably won't matter, because he is either having sex with her or is waiting for the prospect of sex with her (marriage) and there is not a force powerful enough to stop a 19 year old from that.

 

 

He may just have to make a grand mistake with his own eyes to see it first.

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