Zuzurose31 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I've been with my husband for 14 years married for four. We have two kids and are generally very happy. I know recently his attraction to me is less because I've gained some weight after the two kids which I am working on trying to improve. Recently I noticed he doesn't kiss me for very long. I asked him what was wrong and if I was a good kisser. He said I could be better. This cut me deeply. My husband is always on my case for being honest about everything. I'm not mad that he told me the truth and I understand sometimes the truth hurts but I am embarrassed that after being together 14 years he decides to bring this up now.All this time and you never...told me about how you felt about that but you constantly tell me how I need to be honest and open about everything. It made me think of all the years passed and on top of me being out of shape and upset about my body I have nose dived into feeling awful about my self image. I asked him why he has never mentioned this and he jumped around it but said he had mentioned it before. Not only do I feel he hasn't I remember him telling me the opposite. So I asked him what he doesn't like about it or what he does like and how I could improve. Just to give me some feedback. I don't know after all this time what it is he's not happy with. Or maybe he could show me how he likes it. All He said for me to do research how to be a better kisser. This...this has just left a terrible pit in my stomach. To be told I don't think you're a good kisser and then no input on what he wants me to improve...I'm mortified. I start googling how to become a better kisser and ended up in tears. The thought of trying again and wondering is this better? Is this better? just to find out no it's still sucks. I feel humiliated. The worse part is my husband is a very good man, a good provider, he is very supportive of me and he is a good father, and I am not angry he was being honest with me. He should be. So I feel awful feeling upset about it. But I have no idea what he wants, and to realize all this time he's felt this way about our kissing which is very important part of expressing our loves there is a huge part of me that feels shameful, gross, foolish. He's tried to kiss me since then and I can't help but pull away and withdraw because it's all I can think about. I feel worse realizing that this may all be stupid and childish but it's consuming me now. My husband gives me so much so to feel like I'm not satisfying him even with my kissing my self esteem feels shattered. I felt like I was on a good streak exercising, eating good, and striving to having a better body and this just took the wind out of my sails. I don't know how to even talk to him about it because to fall apart over something so small seems ridiculous and I do not want him to regret being honest with me because it may hurt my feelings and to stop him from being honest with me in the future. I don't think he currently realizes how upset I am I've been doing my best to suck it up. I don't know how to pick myself up and don't know how to start trying to be better without feeling like an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Wow. Well I would start to validate my own feelings instead of seeking his approval, validation, and acceptance. That is his opinion and it doesn't affect you. Yes, you're married, but his opinion of your kissing is separate from you and who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Poor girl. I have a feeling he will end up regretting this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zuzurose31 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 It's really just consumed me more so than I thought it would. In all other aspects of our marriage he is very wonderful. He supports and encourages me, helps me through college, he tells me I'm beautiful often etc. He's attentive and I dunno if that is why this just came out of left field for me. It almost feels like on top of everything else I have been struggling with, age, my weight and now this..I'm not even good at kissing. Plus thinking all these years it wasn't an issue. Maybe that is what bothers me the most. Like when you walk around with something in your teeth all day and no one close to you mentions it. They just let you continue. Then you finally look in the mirror and your mortified. Now I am questioning everything. It also makes me thinks all the other nice things he says he is just saying not to hurt my feelings. Maybe he doesn't have the heart to tell me other things he's not happy with or wants. Then the other part of myself is yelling at me that I have a husband that treats me well and is supportive and I am a bitch for feeling this way, or suck it up and handle the truth. But I was also shocked he just told me to research...like I just didn't know how to process that and what I researched told me to talk about with your partner which just led me into bursting into tears. I'm spiraling into depression and I know it's more than just this issue but I don't know how to cope with this ontop of my other issues with my self image being as poor as it is. Like I want to crawl under a desk and never be intimate again, sex, kissing, wearing nice clothes. Like I want to say **** it and give up. Which is ridiculous I know but I feel awful inside more so than I should. This just sent me over the edge. When someone is normally so nice to you says something that just breaks your heart. I don't know how to talk about it without sounding like a nut case. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I wonder if he even knows how much this hurt you? Men can be seriously daft sometimes. Wish he could read your posts. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Well here's another way of looking at it. Imagine he didn't say anything about it. Imagine you were getting yourself fit, eating healthier, being your best, etc. And you wanted to do nice things for him. So you would go online and look up romantic things to do. And then you wanted to surprise him with something sexy so you look online for sexy ideas, including sexual and kissing techniques. I would just look at it as you're always improving yourself and learning anyway. This may have been something you would have looked up yourself. I think you have a separate issue of something in your environment bringing you down so that a comment like this hits you hard. Yes, he could have had more tact but it doesn't have to make you so upset. Do you need more sunshine? Nature walks? Meditation? Is there someone or something that is bothering you? Someone or something unhealthy in your situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zuzurose31 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I dunno but perhaps you are right. I have been currently been in college fulltime. I have two kids, one is autistic. I have felt consumed and strapped to a computer for a long time working on assignments. I also do not have a lot of female friends if any. It's very seldom I get to vent to other people.Most of the friends I did have in my life have betrayed me in very hurtful ways. I do often live in my own head and my husband is the only one I can go to so when the problem is with him I don't know what to do sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Ah well could it be that you need to get up from the computer more often and get fresh air, go for a calming walk? Could it be that going outside gives you a fresh perspective whenever you have problems? Maybe getting out of your head means simply getting out of the house? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zuzurose31 Posted May 5, 2015 Author Share Posted May 5, 2015 I don't know but I suppose no matter what that is something I should do anyway. I do feel very closed in and isolated all the time. My husband is also a truck driver and is away long periods of time. I am often alone with just me and the kids. Maybe that is why his opinion weighs so heavily on me when he does come home. I have strong feelings of loneliness and depression increasingly.My kids are very young and it's often just me and them. When I'm not talking or with my husband I'm caring for them or working on school. My self esteem is very bad recently but I guess you are right I do not get out often. I don't do a lot for me. I don't go out a lot without the kids either. I do not have many friends so the friendship and relationship with my husband is so important to me that things like this just destroy me. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 Yeah, sounds like all of that could be it and that some physical exercise would do you some good. Sunshine and activity give you endorphins and just put you in a better mood! Your situation is manageable if you cope by taking yourself out and treating yourself to a hobby. Link to post Share on other sites
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