sweet_peach115 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 My fiance and I have been engaged for 6 months although we not done any planning what-so-ever for our wedding because we can't really afford to have a wedding. My fiance is in the air force and we will be getting another posting next winter. We are hoping to buy a house at our next location except we can't afford that either. I have been saving every spare cent I have to go towards this wedding and down payment on a house. My fiance, however, is $14,000 in debt and is currently trying to buy a new motorcycle. I am so stressed out over money and saving while my fiance who makes triple what I make, just keeps spending and spending. I have told him how I feel and he just keeps saying "don't worry about it, I'll pay if off right away". I know he won't. He puts zero towards saving and only makes the minimum payments towards his debt. Also, he wants to buy a new car in the fall.. I am going crazy. Does anyone have any advice about how I can show him he can't keep spending the way he is and still be able to get a house? Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Break up the engagement. This is only going to get worse after marriage. How long have you two been together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweet_peach115 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Share Posted May 4, 2015 We've been together for 3.5 years. I didn't even find out until recently how much debt he had actually accumulated. Since I am very good with money and budgeting, he had told me he was going to let me take control of all his finances. He kept putting that off so one night I made him sit down with me and tell me all his debt and his expenditures so I could make out a spreadsheet and keep track of it all. He lied and told me he was $3000 in debt. I found it hard after that to get him to tell me about the payments he was making so the spreadsheet idea sort of went out the window. I started nagging him a little about it later on and he finally admitted to me his actual debt. He said he lied about it before because he was embarrassed to tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 This is what engagements are for... And there is no reason to go into a marriage that will destroy you financially. Remember, if you marry him, all of his debt will become YOUR debt! I married at 20 and was divorced at 24; with that divorce, I "inherited" almost $200k in debt! For that very reason, t took me another 25 years to want to even consider becoming financially bound to another human being. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Please break up. Nothing causes more problems in a marriage (besides infidelity) than lack of money. This IS the way he handles money. Think about when you have kids. Is he going to be willing to sacrifice for them? The cost of education is outrageous and you are going to have to save. Can he do it? Think hard before you enter into a marriage with someone this irresponsible with money. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I married at 20 and was divorced at 24; with that divorce, I "inherited" almost $200k in debt! For that very reason, t took me another 25 years to want to even consider becoming financially bound to another human being. Oh Carrie!!!! You poor thing, this was horrible! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweet_peach115 Posted May 4, 2015 Author Share Posted May 4, 2015 Thank you everyone for the advice. I had been thinking the same thing. I guess I just needed someone else to repeat it to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 In our decades of marriage my wife and I have, as is the case with pretty much every long-term marriage, gone through a number of stressful periods. If we also had to deal with financial difficulties stemming from incompatible ideas on how to handle money any one of these stresses would have destroyed the family. I think we may have been able to handle infidelity, depending on the circumstances, but there's no form of therapy which gets you out of debt. If you've really laid out all of the relevant facts here you should not even be thinking about getting married at this point. There is no rush. If he gets his financial act together then you can reconsider, but if you get married now the chances of anything changing are pretty slim. The worst that could happen? He dumps you and marries someone who shares his approach to financial matters. Thirty years from now you could laugh about the close call you had when you were young - maybe as you watch your kids graduate, debt-free, from college. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Thank you everyone for the advice. I had been thinking the same thing. I guess I just needed someone else to repeat it to me. I am surprised you waited so long to even have that conversation. This is one of the most important aspects of a relationship to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 it is not unusual for one of a couple to be more money-wise, and the other more money-foolish. I would not necessarily break things off. But if you go ahead with the marriage, this WILL be a continuing source of conflict. If I were you, I would offer to be the "moneybags" of the marriage. All the pay checks come to you, and you have an allowance for him. And not too tight of an allowance...like if he wants a motorcycle, you sit down with him and figure out how to swing it....some day after you have saved up for it. He may be pissed at first, but eventually he will probably come to like the fact that he has a growing savings account instead of living paycheck to paycheck. ONLY if he is intransigent on your doing the finances should you reconsider it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 I'd give him once change to change. Get him to sit down with you & go through all the numbers. Call it advanced mission planning (borrowing a military term). Show him the budget. If he's always been bad with money, he may never have seen it all laid out before him. Given how underpaid the military is, the fact that he makes 3x more then you makes me even more worried about your ability to pull this off. On the flip side one person's financial worry may be another's solid foundation. When DH & I were getting married, I always called myself the irresponsible one & denied that I had a decent amount saved for retirement. DH claimed he was fiscally responsible & a diligent saver. Well it turns out neither was quite accurate. My "big mess" was still in better shape then his thrifty lifetyle. My only debt was a mortgage. He had a lot of other debt. You really have to talk about this stuff. Sometimes money is harder to discuss than sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 Debt is slavery. I don't owe anybody a penny, no debts of any kind. He needs to learn how to manage his finances asap, or you'll both end up in a pickle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 It is really important to get on the same page with finances when you get married. The statistics show that this is one of the leading causes of conflict. this is one area i am surprised is not discussed more on this site. money is far and away the biggest issue in a marriage yet is ignored while dating. this should be a deal breaker. your resentment will build as you see your $$$ and future being spent by your partner. but it is fixable --- time for a serious discussion, his reaction will dictate your direction. BUT further suspend the wedding plans for at least a year to see he follows thru. otherwise EVERY month you will stress over the rent/mortgage and he will be angry at you for 'ruining' his fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thicke2013 Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 I agree with others on here. This is a HUGE issue and it will not go away. I do not think you break it off at this point. Hell, this is what engagements are for. Committing to someone and determining if the two of you are compatible in every way. He needs to know how important this is to you and the relationship and your future together. Finances do not go away. First you have to tell him how dire of a situation this is. He sounds a bit immature in this area but hell I was too in my 20's. Also, he may have never been taught how to effectively manage money. Schools sure don't teach it. You sound like a spreadsheet geek like me. Put it all on paper. Show him how much a house costs in the neighborhood that you want to buy in. Put all of your living expenses there too. If you don't have all of that look at Zillow. It will give you housing estimates as well as utility estimates for houses in a certain area with tax rates. Show him how much it will cost to live. Then put all of your current living expense on the same page so he can see it all in perspective. Lastly, put your savings goal for the down payment and the wedding on there. Show him how much out of each check that needs to be put into savings to make all of this happen. Once you have done this, ask him then if he can afford a new motorcycle. If I were in your situation, I would ask that the two of you not take on any new debt prior to the wedding and not immediately after. I wouldn't recommend anyone start a marriage under a lot of debt. The Bible says that the borrower is a slave to the lender. If one of you became disabled and you had a ton of debt, look at the strain that would put on your marriage. If he agrees to this and sees the importance of being financially responsible then he may be ready to get married. If he does not then you have your answer the other way. Good luck OP. Link to post Share on other sites
thestaircase Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) Lack of money is not the problem. The problem is being money irresponsible. If you think your SO lack of money; then you get out to the workfield, find a job to help bring in more income to the household. Listen. I'm poor and my husband is also poor. But he working 2 jobs and I work 1 job; and we both are very responsible with our money. We both have obsession with save money for emergency and rainy days. We both have perfect Credit scores. None of us have any kind of debt. None of us have any Credit-card debt neither. Our whole life so far, we are Debt-free. Here in USA, alot of people are in Credit-card debt. We both very happy that we don't have any debt. And we both want to remain that way. I would married a poor guy. In fact, I married one and he is an awesome awesome husband! My husband is responsible with his money, and he works hard to secure our future. On the other hand, I would NOT married guy that is money irresponsible. Even if he rich, I don't give a rat-a-s-s. Because if you rich and you irresponsible with your money, you will eventually go bankruptcy anwyays. Sit down and talk with your Fiance', ask him to learn how to be money responsible. Tell him what you tell us here in this thread. Have you tried to talk to him yet? Good luck to you Ms. OP Edited May 7, 2015 by thestairs Link to post Share on other sites
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