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Wife’s fantasy is killing me


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We’ve been married for 7 years and together for double that. I’m 31 and she is 37. We’re just like any other couple, had our ups and downs but we love each other and always work things out. I’ve certainly never considered leaving or cheating and unless my wife is keeping it to herself neither has she.

 

She’s had a reoccurring fantasy over the last few years of being with another man while I watch. I was all for it (the fantasy, not really doing it) and we had acted out scenarios a number of times. I had no inclination that she really wanted this to become a reality.

 

We’re no saints when it comes to the bedroom, we have done things that many would consider ‘out there’ or even perverse so I don’t think this has sprung from boredom in the bedroom.

 

I found a folder on our computer that was full of “cuckold” videos, and when I say full I mean 100’s of them. I thought it was my son so I told my wife I was going to confront him about it and my wife admitted they were hers. Honestly I was shocked, I think the most shocking thing was the videos in a sub folder named ‘my ultimate fantasy’ where the husband in the video was tied up and forced to watch.

 

We have had many conversations since and she is admitting that she wants to try this in reality so much so that she had already created an online profile on some dating site. She showed this to me and has given me the password to check whenever I want. The profile is completely truthful in that it says I don’t know and that she’s hoping one day I will come around. Many of the contacts she has had a lot of contact with are young but these are the ones she has shown me as the ones she has picked out.

 

Now from where I stand it is an emphatic NO that we will not be doing this. She understands and accepts that and has said she never has and never will do anything without my approval so her cheating seems a remote likelihood.

 

The problem I am having is that I feel guilty now. I know how stupid that sounds but I feel guilty that she wants to do this so much and I am stopping her. That’s a very awkward feeling and I don’t know how to process it. I shouldn’t feel guilty for telling my wife that she can’t have sex with another guy yet that is overwhelmingly how I feel.

 

For her part she is openly talking about it and addressing any issue I raise. The point she makes often is comparing it to a guy wanting a threesome, they talk about, fantasize about it, act it out with their wife, know it’s not likely to ever happen and don’t hold any grudges because of that but if the situation ever arose they would jump at the chance. She says she feels the same way with her fantasy. I do see her point and admittedly we have discussed that fantasy but I think she has gone a whole lot further. While I have of course watched the occasional threesome porn I don’t have a saved collection and I certainly haven’t started a dating site profile ‘just in case’ one day I get the chance. She has acknowledged that she overstepped the mark with that.

 

The thing is I don’t know where to go now, I’m not interested in acting out her fantasy for real, I mean does any guy really want to sit in a corner watching his wife with another guy while he gets abused by her? Good luck if anyone does but that’s not my scene. The problem is I can’t shake this feeling of guilt for denying her this fantasy. One close mate who I told said that attitude is already on the way to being cuckolded and I need to shake it fast. If only it was that easy.

 

I’m having trouble too that I always now picture her in my head with other guys, it’s actually quite disturbing because it comes from nowhere. For example she was sitting on the end of the bed the other night in some hot little lingerie number and she threw me on the bed and demanded I take her. Now I think it’s because she was so dominant all I could think of was that she was telling me to go to the corner while she had her way with another guy. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head and it played havoc with me and I couldn’t maintain an erection. This has happened a number of times now. I also get jealous, and I have never been jealous before, when she speaks to other guys. I just start thinking that she is asking them to be the other guy in her fantasy. I know she is not doing that and I wish I could control it but these are uncontrollable reactions on my part.

 

We did start seeing a counselor but my wife opened up telling everything and the counselor seemed very judgmental. I didn’t feel comfortable with her so we stopped seeing her and are currently looking for another.

 

I’m not sure how to get back to where we were. She may tell me otherwise but the reality is that her fantasy will not just go away. I can’t just shrug my shoulders and pretend that the fantasy doesn’t bother me because it does. I really fear for the future of us and that’s a scary thought because I am in love with her still. Does anyone have any ideas or stories to share that we can get through this? I think I just need to hear that my feelings are normal and justified and that we can get through this.

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Two thinks occur to me:

You can't unlearn what you have now learnt.

 

Secondly, the guilt feeling still doesn't mean you should enact what she wants.

It's not up for discussion, if you have said no, then 'no' it is.

Any diversion or deviation from your decision means YOU have to compromise, and just as you can't unlearn what you have learnt, you won't be able to undo what you might do.

 

It places you in an awkward position, but consider this:

Did she feel guilty for having pushed the fantasy so far in her actions?

Is she remorseful for having over-stepped the boundary?

In other words, does she feel as guilty as you do, for her thoughts and actions, as you do about yours?

 

I hope you manage to find a Counsellor who will be able to help you consolidate what yo're going through.

Seek, specifically, a psycho-sexual counsellor - one who specialises in the sexual aspect of relationships.

Such a counsellor will be far less judgemental.

I used to know one (I worked with her) and I never, ever found her shocked or judgemental by ANYONE or ANYTHING. And trust me, she had heard quite a few personal stories in her time.

 

You need to evaluate precisely WHY you have feelings of guilt, and how deeply they run.

 

Perhaps it may be useful to ascertain why (if this is the case) your wife does not experience the same level of guilt for having processed her fantasy to such a degree....

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Friskyone4u

There is a difference with erotic scenarios and fantasies. And there are fantasies that should NOT be acted upon. Especially if you are adamantly against trying it. And that is your call.

Here are the danger areas for YOU

(1) she already has jumped the gun and has profiles set up on dating websites.

That was done before she told you . So even though you know now, she already has other men picked out. That means she may have contacted some of them already. Since you have said no to the idea, now you are left to either start snooping or HOPE she does not act without you on being with another man . If you BLINDLY assume this is not possible you may get. Very unpleasant surprise.

And there are many "dating sites and apps" she can have that she has not told you about .

(2) it is highly unlikely that if you try this little fantasy to accommodate her ONCE, and she likes it in actuality , you now have opened a can of worms that it will be difficult to put back in the can. That happens often when one partner coerces another into something, the other partner reluctantly agrees, and then the initiating partner claims they NEED this to be happy .

So what you have here my friend it a gigantic red flag . It is good she has confided this to you somewhat but now your hard choice is do you put your head in the sand or put yourself in high alert .

It seems like the first MC or IC may have called her out so now you are looking for another one. If you keep doing that you will find one that tells you to "try"'it to help her move on from it . This is HER issue . If you do not go for it , she either has to end your relationship or cheat on you . She needs IC help and quick.

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loveweary11

If you have a healthy relationship otherwise, I'd swallow my pride and just do it... or at least let her know you are open to it.

 

My ex wife pulled some Jedi mind trick on me in a similar way. The only kind of girl I hadn't been with before her was a Hispanic girl. My fantasy through the marriage was to give that a try.

 

The moment she gave me permission to do it, about 80% of the appeal vaporized. I never actually did it.

 

There is that outcome.

 

Then, there is just doing this with her. If you do, she will get it out of her system and get bored with it.

 

I'd just do it...or say you're down to do it anyway.

 

Doing fantasy stuff with people is giving them a gift. You should give her the gift, or even exchange gifts.

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Art_Critic
She understands and accepts that and has said she never has and never will do anything without my approval so her cheating seems a remote likelihood.

 

My read... she has already done things like creating the profile and gone looking for an interested 3rd party without your knowledge or approval so I would be weary of her words on that front.

 

I think you should both stick to counseling, until you both work thru this to completion and she gives up on the making the fantasy a reality and tries to rebuild what was hurt by her actions and you both can feel satisfied with each other again.

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SycamoreCircle

A fantasy is exactly that...a fantasy. It doesn't necessarily beseech realization. In fact, realization would most likely destroy it.

 

I think you're being too hard on yourself and taking her fantasy too seriously.

 

I would suspect she has a fear of realizing this fantasy. She understands that it's not acceptable in her current relationship.

 

But the two of you should continue a delicate dialogue about it.

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loveweary11

Also, I might add that I've known several faithful girls who look through online stuff and have profiles set up to flirt with a fantasy and never actually do anything with it.

 

The fact that you have the passwords should be helpful, as she is 100% transparent and handling it properly.

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Art_Critic

The fact that you have the passwords should be helpful, as she is 100% transparent and handling it properly.

 

more like 10% transparent, she didn't tell him about the online profile or give him the passwords until he found the pictures and discussed having a talk about them to his son, she ultimatly broke down and admitted they were hers and tried to come clean then.

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SOOOO many cuckolding videos....she is really into this fantasy! I fear it is, or will soon become, more than just a fantasy in this case. At the very least, she has been texting or caming with other men by now, and having orgasms online that way. See if you can get a true timeline of her online activities, and who her regular cyber sex partners are, and how often she cums online with them. You will not see evidence of these live chat sessions on her accounts, she has to tell you them as they will not be saved.

 

And it sounds like you are definitely NOT cuckold material! lol. Cuckolds WANT their woman to do this, want to be tied up and humiliated while she screws other guys!

 

Maybe you two can meet somewhere in between. She needs other men, so why not giver her a hall pass to find one and screw him? Of COURSE you would also need a hall pass to find a partner of your own....what is good for the goose....

 

If she wants to screw men, but refuses you the permission to do the same with women, it would be divorce time!

 

Another option that is a little more out-there, is the concept of Hotwifing. In cuckolding, you the husband stop getting any sex, and she gets to screw anyone. in Hotwifing, she screws others, but also keeps getting and enjoying sex with you.

 

And a 3rd option....deflect her kinky thoughts into a more monagamous pastime. like 50 shades of grey bondage or bdsm. Maybe she can be a dom or sub, and switch her fantasies to that type of life with you?

 

I would normally suggest the marriage counselling path, but like i said, she is already WAY COMMITTED to this fantasy, she will eventually do it, and it will break up your marriage unless it is done with your grudging permission and some strict boundaries that you might want to set up. It IS a somewhat good sign that she is giving you passwords to her sex accounts--she is not trying to hide it (hiding sex in these open relationships is what starts the jealousy and ultimately makes the marriage fail).

 

Good luck, you just landed on a strange planet, and the sky is pink and the trees are purple.

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loveweary11
more like 10% transparent, she didn't tell him about the online profile or give him the passwords until he found the pictures and discussed having a talk about them to his son, she ultimatly broke down and admitted they were hers and tried to come clean then.

 

Nobody knows the circumstances. Could be a question of timing... or that she hadn't worked up the nerve to talk to him about it.

 

So far she's done nothing wrong. In fact, it seems she's done everything correctly.

 

She kept a personal fantasy to herself. I don't think that's any sort of offense in a marriage, though she would have been better off broaching the subject before her porn stash was found.

 

How many guys have the same thing?

 

We all have fantasies and many times, we are too nervous to tell our spouse.

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Robbo, your feelings seem quite normal to me.

I don't have any advice. I am going trough my own issue, that although very different in general is in a way connected by the key word fantasy and the interest of one spouse wanting it to become reality.

I understand the feeling of guilt, thinking to myself why can't I just do that thing that my husband wants so much, it's not that big a deal, why can't I just....don't I love him? But it is a big deal, because it is something that I know I might be able to do but have no real wish to, don't feel comfortable with...it's a duality between wanting to please our partner and what we feel deep inside.

Like you I found it extreme that she went as far as making the account in the dating site and the porn collection and seems to feel that it's normal to do so just in case. But who knows? some people are so organized that like to have everything ready even the things that they're not sure they want to do - no exact relation but my daughter, 25, makes lists of parties she suddenly thinks she would like to throw, goes to the point of contacting places where to have them, places where to hire performers, costume stores... a whole bunch of places and things are contacted or researched and when I ask her what the heck is she doing, is really going to throw that party she tells me that not really she would like to but knows it would be really expensive, but is doing it just because one she might be able to. A few months after she forgot all about it and is thinking of another dream party, or crazy vacation etc. -.

However parties and vacations are completely different things from what's happening with you and your wife, of course.

The positive thing I see in here, is that there was communication and she freely admitted what she is doing to the point of showing you the account - true only after you found out, but at least you both talked about it. Not that it made you feel any better, I understand. The downside is that the way she opened up, seems to show she feels it's completely normal to act like that in secret, hoard the hundreds of videos actually make an account for "just in case".

SInce you say you have explored some things in the bedroom that might have been considered by some people as risque, and had actually played along with that fantasy with her before, even though you wanted to keep in the fantasy realm only, might have lead her to think to maybe it would be something you would consider doing in reality. But still I would expect that she would talk about that possibility with you before she went through the whole organization of the event for a possible future date.

The secret porn collection brings different feelings to me. While I don't see it at the mother of all evils and I have watched occasionally with my husband the number seems quite big which brings the idea that it doesn't seem to be an occasional indulgence, but more like a very regular thing and I see some dangers in it.

There seems to be a tendency to the more one watches a certain thing the more it is found to be a natural/normal thing to do and one that everyone is and should be doing. The more we see something as "normal" everyday occurrence the more we think we it is a perfectly normal wish ...and often the more we don't understand why our mate doesn't want to do it with us.

I believe both of you need to really think and talk about where are the limits to each one. What you can compromise on and what you can't. And how you think you can - or not - deal with this while keeping your marriage.

Your wife needs to really think if keeping this as a fantasy only and never act it out in reality will be enough for her and even if the wish to act it out is worth the possible consequences to your marriage. She needs to make an effort to actually understand what you feel and why you feel it and figure out what is important for her. Why is that particular fantasy so important to her above everything else that can be done sexually?

You need to think about a few things too. What if she tells you she can keep it all in the fantasy only? Will you be able to go from there without allowing thoughts about her wanting it in reality affect you both in the present and in the future? Some people can, some people can't. Will you always live in doubt? Will you be able to keep communication open without always come back to that particular subject? Would continue to play with that particular fantasy be ok with you after what you learned, or will it became something uncomfortable from now on? What do you really want to do, want to happen? What do you need from her to make things fine? And what do you need from yourself to feels this issue is worked out?

It really all depends. All people are different and react in different ways, deal with things - or not - in different ways. To some, understanding how deeply something affects the spouse and makes for an uncomfortable situation is a wake up call that makes them really think what is more important. If the relationship, the positive shared things and the understanding brings those things they think are very important become less so. To others those things will always be more important than anything else. Others yet can find ways to compromise and work with what they have. Some even find out that those very important needs are not important at all after some times and distance from them...

You're both young. What you think or believe you want - in this case specifically your wife - might even change later.

There were things that I felt I wanted to try when I was 20 and 30 some even at 40 and some didn't feel important or even needed anymore as I "grew" and my thoughts and ideas matured. I know I could still do them, but the appeal for me to do them has changed.

If sorting this out by yourselves is complicated, maybe counseling will help to sort out the whys and the reasons behind choices, wishes and needs so you can work from there.

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Fantasy and role playing with one's spouse is good.

 

 

Doing it for real is not.

 

 

Do not let your wife convince you otherwise.

 

 

 

 

Also without telling your wife install a key logger on your computer. For your wife may one day decide to meet one of these men without telling you. Remember she has done things behind your back already. You need to quietly monitor to head them off at the pass.

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Art_Critic
Nobody knows the circumstances.

 

That isn't true, the OP knows them and posted them here.. here is a quote speaking of that.

 

Yes fantasy is fantasy but she WAS actively trying to make the fantasy a reality without his knowledge and he isn't in even after finding out about her wanting to fulfill the fantasy.

 

I found a folder on our computer that was full of “cuckold” videos, and when I say full I mean 100’s of them. I thought it was my son so I told my wife I was going to confront him about it and my wife admitted they were hers. Honestly I was shocked, I think the most shocking thing was the videos in a sub folder named ‘my ultimate fantasy’ where the husband in the video was tied up and forced to watch.

 

We have had many conversations since and she is admitting that she wants to try this in reality so much so that she had already created an online profile on some dating site. She showed this to me and has given me the password to check whenever I want. The profile is completely truthful in that it says I don’t know and that she’s hoping one day I will come around. Many of the contacts she has had a lot of contact with are young but these are the ones she has shown me as the ones she has picked out.

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elaine567
, I mean does any guy really want to sit in a corner watching his wife with another guy while he gets abused by her? Good luck if anyone does but that’s not my scene.

 

Well that is the reason, this doesn't really work. YOU are the one supposed to have the cuckold fantasy, and her "reward" if there is any reward out of giving in to your cuckold fantasy, is getting to sleep with another man.

Here she gets to sleep with another man and you would be in hell.

She is going gun-ho forward here and she is turning her fantasy into reality at some level, whether you are on board or not.

 

Interesting psychology here too.

She wants to sleep with another man, yet wants you also involved in a way that humiliates you... Hmmm...

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Art_Critic

the part about her posting in the profile about him not knowing shows a total LACK of transparency.. IMO

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sandylee1

I'm all I'm favour of variety being the spice of life, BUT , there is nothing in this fantasy for you. It involves you being humiliated and you're not into that. My husband feeling safe and comfortable would top any ideas I have of fantasy becoming a reality.

 

I drown myself in my erotic fiction for fantasies and leave it right there. Anything that my H is not game for, stays in my head.

 

Would you both be up for swinging?

 

As an aside - do ensure the kids can't access those folders, as it could have a negative effect on them and be traumatic depending on their ages.

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This isn't something you want to do, and it isn't something you should do. That's the bottom line, so please don't cross it.

 

 

If this were your fantasy (and a surprising number of men have it, apparently), and she shared it, then it would be something to discuss, but could still be a bad idea to pursue. This is strictly her fantasy, and while that's okay for her to have it, it's not okay for her to try to make it real without your enthusiastic support.

 

 

Many men have obsessive fantasies that they will never get to experience, because their wives won't go along. This is valid for their marriage, and saying no is valid for yours.

 

 

Counselling may be a good idea though. I guess one important questions is, does she really want to humiliate you this way, and is it because she does not respect you as a man or lover? That is a hard question to face - and to answer, no doubt.

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Well that is the reason, this doesn't really work. YOU are the one supposed to have the cuckold fantasy, and her "reward" if there is any reward out of giving in to your cuckold fantasy, is getting to sleep with another man.

Here she gets to sleep with another man and you would be in hell.

She is going gun-ho forward here and she is turning her fantasy into reality at some level, whether you are on board or not.

 

Interesting psychology here too.

She wants to sleep with another man, yet wants you also involved in a way that humiliates you... Hmmm...

 

Actually, there are women with a cuckoldress fetish which is a fetish in its own right (the 'reward' being the whole context, not merely sex with another man). But you are correct in that a cuckoldress needs a consenting cuckold to actually enact the fetish; which the OP obviously is not.

 

As for the psychology... It's a form of sexual domination, with humiliation a part of the form the dominance takes in this dynamic. And there is a whole gamut of ways this dynamic can play; from full domination through to joint participation in the selection of the 'bull' and scenario, etc. And it's not actually as clear cut in terms of differentiation from one label to another; there are a lot of blurred lines between a cuckoldress and a hotwife (the more 'slutty'--for want of a better term--manifestation of a cuckoldress) for instance.

 

Anyway, back to you OP... IMO just about all of us have fantasies involving other people; the ubiquitous FFM/MMF threesome, that sexy stranger who caught our eye at the beach last summer, etc, etc. But we don't usually feel compelled to act them out, particularly if monogamy is an agreed feature of the R with a beloved SO.

 

They're generally stimulating enough in and of themselves for some mastubatory reverie, and for good fodder in the bedroom if you have a partner who is sexually open to sharing (which I believe is healthy btw). And you guys have been sharing. Do you know why your W feels such a compulsion to want to act this out? And why now? What does she think is to be gained by doing so? And why did she feel that translation into reality was an option when you are not a cuckold? I think answers to these questions may be revealing.

 

I agree with your counselling plan. But I think you may be better off with a sex therapist that is also qualified in relationship counselling, rather than a MC who may not be skilled in navigating and understanding kink.

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Phoenician

Robbo,

 

Unless u have abused her before and got your fantasies satisfied in reality without her approval ( like 3 some or rape ...) , you should not feel guilty .

 

Did u do anything that makes you satisfied on behalf of her happiness ?

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elaine567
Actually, there are women with a cuckoldress fetish which is a fetish in its own right (the 'reward' being the whole context, not merely sex with another man). But you are correct in that a cuckoldress needs a consenting cuckold to actually enact the fetish; which the OP obviously is not.

 

As for the psychology... It's a form of sexual domination, with humiliation a part of the form the dominance takes in this dynamic.

 

Yes I am aware of the cuckoldress, but my point was that the OP is not a cuckold hence the mismatch.

I am also aware this "humiliation" is about sexual domination, but the OP has no inclination to be a sub either, by all accounts, so why is the wife putting him into a cuckold and sub role, that is my question?

I guess if this fantasy was to be explored to its conclusion psychologically, there is a lot more going on in this relationship and in her mind, than just a desire for some "fantasy" role playing.

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loveweary11

I don't get this. Why does no one think it's a good idea to do it for his wife, even if he doesn't enjoy it?

 

How many here are in good marriages?

 

I would have done it for mine and she would have done things for me she didn't enjoy.

 

Marriage isn't about self, I, I, Me. It's about making your partner feel good and in turn getting the same back. It's not even work if you genuinely enjoy seeing your partner happy.

 

Would any of you take a bullet for your partner? I would have.

 

So what's so hard about gritting your teeth, holding your nose and making you partner's widest fantasies come true?

 

I don't get these responses at all.

 

I think the main problem in all relationships these days is it's all about me, a lot of taking and no giving.

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I don't get this. Why does no one think it's a good idea to do it for his wife, even if he doesn't enjoy it?

 

How many here are in good marriages?

 

I would have done it for mine and she would have done things for me she didn't enjoy.

 

Marriage isn't about self, I, I, Me. It's about making your partner feel good and in turn getting the same back. It's not even work if you genuinely enjoy seeing your partner happy.

 

Would any of you take a bullet for your partner? I would have.

 

So what's so hard about gritting your teeth, holding your nose and making you partner's widest fantasies come true?

 

I don't get these responses at all.

 

I think the main problem in all relationships these days is it's all about me, a lot of taking and no giving.

 

Relationships have healthy boundaries and levels of self respect along with that of the other person. Sometimes the good of the long term effects need to out weigh the current desire that may or maynot bode well for the one partner. I beleive "NO' means just that.

 

Common sense does play a factor.

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elaine567
I don't get this. Why does no one think it's a good idea to do it for his wife, even if he doesn't enjoy it?

 

How many here are in good marriages?

 

I would have done it for mine and she would have done things for me she didn't enjoy.

 

Marriage isn't about self, I, I, Me. It's about making your partner feel good and in turn getting the same back. It's not even work if you genuinely enjoy seeing your partner happy.

 

Would any of you take a bullet for your partner? I would have.

 

So what's so hard about gritting your teeth, holding your nose and making you partner's widest fantasies come true?

 

I don't get these responses at all.

 

I think the main problem in all relationships these days is it's all about me, a lot of taking and no giving.

 

I think many men would rather take a bullet for their wife, than have to sit in a corner tied up and be forced to watch whilst their wife is f*cked silly by a younger, hotter man regularly.

I doubt it would be a one off event.

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sandylee1

When the majority are of the same opinion, you usually have your answer right there

 

NO SPOUSE should do a sexual act they are totally against, especially where humiliation of that party is involved. This isn't like giving my H BJs, even though it's not my favourite thing, especially where a third person comes into play.

 

I would NOT agree to my H fu***** another woman in frontof me, no matter how much he fantasised. TBH, if he started wanting to make it a reality, I'd start distancing my emotions . It shows a lack of respect for the OPS feelings and unless it's a fetish of the OP, no marriage is about humiliation. To hell with her fantasy.

 

OP - do not feel guilty at all. In fact you should be angry she's taken it to the lengths she has. I'd find it disrespectful. Basically, her ultimate fantasy involves you being humiliated, with a young stud . Is she trying to say something here? Does she just fancy sex with a younger guy?

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