Sexless marriage

[OneWord]

We've been married just 15 months and I can't remember the last time we had sex. It's been at least 5 months. Talked (argued really) about it (again, sigh . . .) last night and the take is that he has a hang up about taking the initiative, but hey, his sex drive is fine cuz he masturbates daily . . . This is extremely disconcerting to me. I cannot get my head around that. He says he is incredibly attracted to me, but the possibility that I may reject him is a stronger drive than the desire to have sex with me. I subscribe to the concept that if you want something you find a way. In the past I have initiated. When we do have sex it's amazing but many times he rejects me so I too am hesitant to initiate because of this not to mention that I was raised with the notion that women do not initiate. I can honestly say I am never not in the mood for sex - even if I am dead tired. I'm wide awake and willing to play at the slightest hint, especially because it's so infrequent. So the bottom line is he masturbates, I masturbate but we don't have sex together. I was wondering if any men out there can relate to this and can shed some light or if any women out there have dealt with this too. It seems awfully foreign to me to not have my guy trying to get in my pants on a regular basis and it's wreaking havoc on our relationship.

[central]

Both of you have issues with initiation, but he has some other issues involving rejection, however rare.

 

 

A simple solution might be to schedule sex for certain days and times, and just go for it no matter what. Set a timer, if you have to. When that goes off, you both head to the bedroom. You agree that you will both honor the agreement, won't be elsewhere, won't make any excuses, and neither has to initiate - you're both there and doing.

 

 

Eventually, maybe you can deal with his issues, but they probably need individual counselling, followed by marriage counselling (preferably with a sex therapy specialty)

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Is he gay?

 

 

How are you guys? How do you size up to his prior partners in the looks dept? How was the sex life before getting married?

[OneWord]

Is he gay?

 

 

How are you guys? How do you size up to his prior partners in the looks dept? How was the sex life before getting married?

 

As far as I know he is not gay. He really likes to give me oral sex which is why when we have sex it's off the charts amazing. It's either feast or famine though. :-/ As to how we are, I'm prepping for my first NPC fitness competition (bikini). He doesn't work out nearly as much as I do but he's fit. As to sex before marriage, in the beginning we were like rabbits. It tapered off and this is why I said we discussed it again last night - but it hadn't gone this long before.

[oldshirt]

I typically don't like to use the terms alpha and beta on here too much because they are terms that are abused and misunderstood way too much on the internet but in this case it has to be addressed.

 

 

Your husband is being too beta and needs to turn up the alpha. Actually a better way to word it is he isn't applying enough alpha and needs to turn up the alpha dial significantly.

 

 

He is being to passive and is not showing enough assertion and initiative. He needs to man-up and become more overtly sexual with you and more sexually assertive and dominant.

 

 

At this rate it is just a matter of time before some alpha male at the gym starts hitting on you and making you an offer you can't refuse and you are going to find yourself chin deep in a passionate affair and your husband in going to be here whining that you two haven't had sex at all in 6 months.

 

 

He is overly concerned with two things. One is he is too concerned about your comfort and doesn't want to make you uncomfortable or offended by coming on to you. He is afraid you will think he is treating you like a sex object or using you for sex etc etc A lot of beta boys have a real hang up with this.

 

 

The other thing he is afraid of is rejection and that's just him being a pussy. He simply needs to man up and get over that. You've rolled out the red carpet there so this is probably some kind of dysfunction or maladaption on his part. He may have had some kind of traumatic rejection or break up or some kind of abuse or something in his past that has made him overly fearful of not only rejection but also of making someone uncomfortable with sexual overtures.

 

 

As there is no mention in your posts about abuse, adultery, neglect or any other kind of relationship or communication issues, this sounds like it's a mismatch of masculinity and gender roles and dominance in the relationship.

 

 

I'm going to suggest a couple books that might help. One is, "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. That will help him understand that it is OK to be more assertive with his needs and that he doesn't need to be a pussy to get you to like him.

 

 

The other is "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay. That book talks more about female attraction and gender roles and masculinity and dominance and how that affects female desire and attraction.

 

 

That book is geared more to men who's wives have actually lost attraction and desire for them and how to get it back. In your case, you haven't actually lost it yet but you are closing in on it very fast and it is just a matter of days, weeks or months before some other more assertive and masculine man starts hitting you up and triggering your desire switches for him and then you will lose all attraction for your H and will be at extreme risk for having an affair.

 

 

Athol Kay's book will hopefully be a wake up call for him that he needs to step up to the plate and start taking care of business in the bedroom before someone else does.

 

 

If those books don't light a fire under his ass then there likely is some kind of underlying issues that may need professional assessment and treatment.

 

 

The daily masturbation issue troubles me and could be a red flag flapping in the breeze. I'll address that in another post.

[oldshirt]

 

 

last night and the take is that he has a hang up about taking the initiative, but hey, his sex drive is fine cuz he masturbates daily . . .

 

 

So the bottom line is he masturbates, I masturbate but we don't have sex together.

 

 

 

 

It seems awfully foreign to me to not have my guy trying to get in my pants on a regular basis and it's wreaking havoc on our relationship.

 

 

 

His daily spanking is something that needs to be addressed.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with either married men or women having a spank now and then. But if one of them is spanking daily while the other is climbing the walls with frustration and dissatisfaction, that is unacceptable and needs to be addressed immediately.

 

 

Is porn involved in his daily jerkfests? If so, he may well have a porn problem and IMHO that needs to be addressed almost as much as if he were having an affair.

 

 

The thing about porn is it's a lazy man's affair. It drains the tank. It meets his needs. It leaves him satisfied and drained, but leaves you hanging and leaves you unsatisfied, just the same as if he had another woman on the side.

 

 

But the thing about porn is it's always there, it doesn't need to be talked to, wined and dined or take it on romantic getaways. you don't have to be nice to it or get along with it's family or goofy friends. It doesn't need foreplay and it doesn't need to be cuddled afterwards. All you have to do is pull it up and you can go through hundreds of naked, horny women an hour. It's an easy out.

 

 

If he is spanking to porn daily and is neglecting/rejecting the hot woman in the bed beside him, he has problem.

 

 

It is your right to say, "in me or on me but not into a towel." In other words you are within your right to say that you want his sexual energies and attention on you and not on some computer screen and that you want his sperm in you/on you and not into a Kleenex and thrown into the wastebasket.

 

 

You don't have the right to tell him to never masturbate again for the rest of his life of course. But he doesn't have the right to take care of himself daily while you climb the walls.

 

 

If getting him the books and showing him that he can be more assertive and proactive with you without his fears of offending you or getting rejection coming to fruition don't help. And if getting him to stop spanking into a towel every day doesn't give him the urge and the energy to be more assertive with you -

 

 

- then you have a problem that will need professional intervention.

 

 

(actually HE has a problem that will require professional intervention)

[Soxfaninfl]

We've been married just 15 months and I can't remember the last time we had sex. It's been at least 5 months. Talked (argued really) about it (again, sigh . . .) last night and the take is that he has a hang up about taking the initiative, but hey, his sex drive is fine cuz he masturbates daily . . . This is extremely disconcerting to me. I cannot get my head around that. He says he is incredibly attracted to me, but the possibility that I may reject him is a stronger drive than the desire to have sex with me. I subscribe to the concept that if you want something you find a way. In the past I have initiated. When we do have sex it's amazing but many times he rejects me so I too am hesitant to initiate because of this not to mention that I was raised with the notion that women do not initiate. I can honestly say I am never not in the mood for sex - even if I am dead tired. I'm wide awake and willing to play at the slightest hint, especially because it's so infrequent. So the bottom line is he masturbates, I masturbate but we don't have sex together. I was wondering if any men out there can relate to this and can shed some light or if any women out there have dealt with this too. It seems awfully foreign to me to not have my guy trying to get in my pants on a regular basis and it's wreaking havoc on our relationship.

 

I kind of understand how your husband feels and getting tired of rejection. What I don't understand is he's rejected you in the past? In my 39 years I've never rejected a woman when she wanted sex no matter how tired I've ever been. If you say sex it's like a light bulb goes off in my head, and horny.

 

I'm kind of in the same boat. I have to masturbate everyday because my wife ( 2nd marriage) of almost 4 months has no sex drive and is on antidepressants because she's unemployed. It's been a couple of months now, and who knows how long it will last. I'm very frustrated because I have a high sex drive, and that is how I relieve stress.

 

I've never preferred to masturbate over sex, and I can't understand men who do.

[Popsicle]

We've been married just 15 months and I can't remember the last time we had sex. It's been at least 5 months. Talked (argued really) about it (again, sigh . . .) last night and the take is that he has a hang up about taking the initiative, but hey, his sex drive is fine cuz he masturbates daily . . . This is extremely disconcerting to me. I cannot get my head around that. He says he is incredibly attracted to me, but the possibility that I may reject him is a stronger drive than the desire to have sex with me. I subscribe to the concept that if you want something you find a way. In the past I have initiated. When we do have sex it's amazing but many times he rejects me so I too am hesitant to initiate because of this not to mention that I was raised with the notion that women do not initiate. I can honestly say I am never not in the mood for sex - even if I am dead tired. I'm wide awake and willing to play at the slightest hint, especially because it's so infrequent. So the bottom line is he masturbates, I masturbate but we don't have sex together. I was wondering if any men out there can relate to this and can shed some light or if any women out there have dealt with this too. It seems awfully foreign to me to not have my guy trying to get in my pants on a regular basis and it's wreaking havoc on our relationship.

 

I believe xMM had the exact problem in his marriage, but, worse, he and his W didn't argue about it. They BOTH just pretend not to notice there is a problem and not talk about it.

 

You will probably eventually leave your H, because you still have strong desires and there are plenty other guys who will be willing to try to get into your pants and make you feel wanted (whereas your H will be happy to just watch eager girls in porn and masturbate). But xMM's wife will probably never leave him because she doesn't seem to have that need to be desired like you do. She seems content! xMM seems slightly more resentful about it than his W but not enough to leave her.

Edited May 2, 2015 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

I kind of understand how your husband feels and getting tired of rejection. What I don't understand is he's rejected you in the past? In my 39 years I've never rejected a woman when she wanted sex no matter how tired I've ever been. If you say sex it's like a light bulb goes off in my head, and horny.

 

I'm kind of in the same boat. I have to masturbate everyday because my wife ( 2nd marriage) of almost 4 months has no sex drive and is on antidepressants because she's unemployed. It's been a couple of months now, and who knows how long it will last. I'm very frustrated because I have a high sex drive, and that is how I relieve stress.

 

I've never preferred to masturbate over sex, and I can't understand men who do.

 

Yes, but do you still try to initiate with your wife or have you given up trying?

[Soxfaninfl]

Yes, but do you still try to initiate with your wife or have you given up trying?

 

I've pretty much have given up. She has basically told me that when she is depressed, she doesn't want to be touched. She doesn't feel sexual at all.

 

Antidepressants make it even worse. She's switching to a different anti depressant that doesn't have sexual side effects, but that's two months away.

 

She has told me that she feels bad and is afraid of causing problems in our marriage because lack of sex and how important it is to me. I play it down how it important to me because I don't want to make her feel bad even thought I'm very sexually frustrated. She has told me she loves me and is attracted to me, but she has no desire for sex right now.

[Soxfaninfl]

.A simple solution might be to schedule sex for certain days and times, and just go for it no matter what. Set a timer, if you have to. When that goes off, you both head to the bedroom. You agree that you will both honor the agreement, won't be elsewhere, won't make any excuses, and neither has to initiate - you're both there and doing.

 

 

Eventually, maybe you can deal with his issues, but they probably need individual counselling, followed by marriage counselling (preferably with a sex therapy specialty)

 

I feel that is great advice. You and your husband should try this OP. You have nothing to loss but more sex.

[Popsicle]

I've pretty much have given up. She has basically told me that when she is depressed, she doesn't want to be touched. She doesn't feel sexual at all.

 

Antidepressants make it even worse. She's switching to a different anti depressant that doesn't have sexual side effects, but that's two months away.

 

She has told me that she feels bad and is afraid of causing problems in our marriage because lack of sex and how important it is to me. I play it down how it important to me because I don't want to make her feel bad even thought I'm very sexually frustrated. She has told me she loves me and is attracted to me, but she has no desire for sex right now.

 

You should tell her that you feel sexually frustrated, not hold that in. It can't be all about her and only her all the time. Believe it or not, she may interpret your never trying to have sex as you never wanting it anymore and that you're okay with the arrangement. This is how I think my xMM and his W are on the surface. They both think the other is okay with not having sex anymore because neither goes to the other for it.

 

It's also strange that your W doesn't even notice that you're masturbating everyday. You must spend a lot of time apart or do you stay up later than her every night?

Edited May 2, 2015 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

I can honestly say I am never not in the mood for sex - even if I am dead tired.

 

So then where does he get the notion that you may possibly reject him for sex?

[Akashsingh]

We've been married just 15 months and I can't remember the last time we had sex. It's been at least 5 months. Talked (argued really) about it (again, sigh . . .) last night and the take is that he has a hang up about taking the initiative, but hey, his sex drive is fine cuz he masturbates daily . . . This is extremely disconcerting to me. I cannot get my head around that. He says he is incredibly attracted to me, but the possibility that I may reject him is a stronger drive than the desire to have sex with me. I subscribe to the concept that if you want something you find a way. In the past I have initiated. When we do have sex it's amazing but many times he rejects me so I too am hesitant to initiate because of this not to mention that I was raised with the notion that women do not initiate. I can honestly say I am never not in the mood for sex - even if I am dead tired. I'm wide awake and willing to play at the slightest hint, especially because it's so infrequent. So the bottom line is he masturbates, I masturbate but we don't have sex together. I was wondering if any men out there can relate to this and can shed some light or if any women out there have dealt with this too. It seems awfully foreign to me to not have my guy trying to get in my pants on a regular basis and it's wreaking havoc on our relationship.

 

Both of you have a COMMUNICATION issue. Sort it out before it gets worse. If you both dont address the problem now, it will later lead to cheating and perhaps divorce. Both of you need to open up, talk and be honest about each others needs....

[dreamingoftigers]

I've never seen a sexless marriage get better on here.

 

Esp when it's the guy refusing the girl.

 

Some guys just want to marry a "mother" and seek real or imaginary girlfriends on the side.

 

I don't get it. Will never get it, and will always be disgusted by it.

[OneWord]

So then where does he get the notion that you may possibly reject him for sex?

 

I have no clue. It occurred to me that maybe I was "too available" and needed to make myself chased but how stupid is that? I'm a grown woman. I know what I want and I enjoy sex. Why the heck would i turn it down unless I was deathly ill? And even then, there's always something that we can do IMO. :-/

[OneWord]

I've never seen a sexless marriage get better on here.

 

Esp when it's the guy refusing the girl.

 

Some guys just want to marry a "mother" and seek real or imaginary girlfriends on the side.

 

I don't get it. Will never get it, and will always be disgusted by it.

 

This is scary. There's a significant age difference between us.

[OneWord]

I typically don't like to use the terms alpha and beta on here too much because they are terms that are abused and misunderstood way too much on the internet but in this case it has to be addressed.

 

 

Your husband is being too beta and needs to turn up the alpha. Actually a better way to word it is he isn't applying enough alpha and needs to turn up the alpha dial significantly.

 

 

He is being to passive and is not showing enough assertion and initiative. He needs to man-up and become more overtly sexual with you and more sexually assertive and dominant.

 

 

At this rate it is just a matter of time before some alpha male at the gym starts hitting on you and making you an offer you can't refuse and you are going to find yourself chin deep in a passionate affair and your husband in going to be here whining that you two haven't had sex at all in 6 months.

 

 

He is overly concerned with two things. One is he is too concerned about your comfort and doesn't want to make you uncomfortable or offended by coming on to you. He is afraid you will think he is treating you like a sex object or using you for sex etc etc A lot of beta boys have a real hang up with this.

 

 

The other thing he is afraid of is rejection and that's just him being a pussy. He simply needs to man up and get over that. You've rolled out the red carpet there so this is probably some kind of dysfunction or maladaption on his part. He may have had some kind of traumatic rejection or break up or some kind of abuse or something in his past that has made him overly fearful of not only rejection but also of making someone uncomfortable with sexual overtures.

 

 

As there is no mention in your posts about abuse, adultery, neglect or any other kind of relationship or communication issues, this sounds like it's a mismatch of masculinity and gender roles and dominance in the relationship.

 

 

I'm going to suggest a couple books that might help. One is, "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. That will help him understand that it is OK to be more assertive with his needs and that he doesn't need to be a pussy to get you to like him.

 

 

The other is "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay. That book talks more about female attraction and gender roles and masculinity and dominance and how that affects female desire and attraction.

 

 

That book is geared more to men who's wives have actually lost attraction and desire for them and how to get it back. In your case, you haven't actually lost it yet but you are closing in on it very fast and it is just a matter of days, weeks or months before some other more assertive and masculine man starts hitting you up and triggering your desire switches for him and then you will lose all attraction for your H and will be at extreme risk for having an affair.

 

 

Athol Kay's book will hopefully be a wake up call for him that he needs to step up to the plate and start taking care of business in the bedroom before someone else does.

 

 

If those books don't light a fire under his ass then there likely is some kind of underlying issues that may need professional assessment and treatment.

 

 

The daily masturbation issue troubles me and could be a red flag flapping in the breeze. I'll address that in another post.

 

Thank you for posting this. Very insightful and helpful. I real appreciate you taking the time to share your wisdom.

[OneWord]

His daily spanking is something that needs to be addressed.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with either married men or women having a spank now and then. But if one of them is spanking daily while the other is climbing the walls with frustration and dissatisfaction, that is unacceptable and needs to be addressed immediately.

 

 

Is porn involved in his daily jerkfests? If so, he may well have a porn problem and IMHO that needs to be addressed almost as much as if he were having an affair.

 

 

The thing about porn is it's a lazy man's affair. It drains the tank. It meets his needs. It leaves him satisfied and drained, but leaves you hanging and leaves you unsatisfied, just the same as if he had another woman on the side.

 

 

But the thing about porn is it's always there, it doesn't need to be talked to, wined and dined or take it on romantic getaways. you don't have to be nice to it or get along with it's family or goofy friends. It doesn't need foreplay and it doesn't need to be cuddled afterwards. All you have to do is pull it up and you can go through hundreds of naked, horny women an hour. It's an easy out.

 

 

If he is spanking to porn daily and is neglecting/rejecting the hot woman in the bed beside him, he has problem.

 

 

It is your right to say, "in me or on me but not into a towel." In other words you are within your right to say that you want his sexual energies and attention on you and not on some computer screen and that you want his sperm in you/on you and not into a Kleenex and thrown into the wastebasket.

 

 

You don't have the right to tell him to never masturbate again for the rest of his life of course. But he doesn't have the right to take care of himself daily while you climb the walls.

 

 

If getting him the books and showing him that he can be more assertive and proactive with you without his fears of offending you or getting rejection coming to fruition don't help. And if getting him to stop spanking into a towel every day doesn't give him the urge and the energy to be more assertive with you -

 

 

- then you have a problem that will need professional intervention.

 

 

(actually HE has a problem that will require professional intervention)

 

Yes, he uses porn. I am hesitant to "get him to stop spanking" because who the hell am I to tell him not to masturbate? But, the truth is I suspect it's an addiction for all the reasons you posited above. The alpha and beta info along with the porn overindulgence fits the bill. I hate this . . .

[OneWord]

Oldshirt: no abuse per se outside of the sexual neglect. He does have passive aggressive tendencies (don't we all?) that drive me nuts, but I am not exempt ; we all have something. :-/ He is a good person, certainly the best man I have ever been in a relationship with. This whole sexual neglect conundrum has caught me flatfooted. I'm at a loss. I will check out the books you suggested. Thanks again.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is scary. There's a significant age difference between us.

 

It rarely matters.

 

You know as well as I do, that when you want sex, you want it from him.

 

When he wants sex, he visits his hand.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oldshirt: no abuse per se outside of the sexual neglect. He does have passive aggressive tendencies (don't we all?) that drive me nuts, but I am not exempt ; we all have something. :-/ He is a good person, certainly the best man I have ever been in a relationship with. This whole sexual neglect conundrum has caught me flatfooted. I'm at a loss. I will check out the books you suggested. Thanks again.

 

It doesn't get any more fun, believe you me.

 

And no not everyone has passive-aggressive tendencies.

 

Some of these man-boys simply indulge us in the beginning and then after the wedding start dropping off significantly.

 

You'll hear 1001 excuses. You can spend years poking around "why."

 

But really, as an adult, if there was something holding him back from you, it's up to him to manage that, and if he can't, it is still his responsibility to speak to you about it and be very clear.

 

And then, make an effort to correct it.

 

Some people have relationship issues and then they say "oh look, our relationship has issues, waaaaahhhh. I didn't sign up for this. I'm not playing anymore. waaaahhhh."

 

But a mature spouse says to themselves, "what am I doing that's contributing. What BS reasons am I giving and what can I do to help my partner feel loved and happy?"

 

He isn't. He's handing you excuses. He isn't "problem-solving" or "dedicating himself to working on your mutual intimacy." He's keeping the status quo because it pleases him.

 

I hate how those who withhold sex often act like they are the most helpless in the relationship as well.

[Popsicle]

I have no clue. It occurred to me that maybe I was "too available" and needed to make myself chased but how stupid is that? I'm a grown woman. I know what I want and I enjoy sex. Why the heck would i turn it down unless I was deathly ill? And even then, there's always something that we can do IMO. :-/

 

The guy has issues then. I'd walk.

[Gloria25]

I've never seen a sexless marriage get better on here.

 

Esp when it's the guy refusing the girl.

 

Some guys just want to marry a "mother" and seek real or imaginary girlfriends on the side.

 

I don't get it. Will never get it, and will always be disgusted by it.

 

Agreed...

 

I AM the "imaginary girlfriend" and it's been going on strong for one year now...

 

His "wife" could pass for his mom if you ask me. She is very plain, she dresses frumpy and barely puts on any make-up. She is also overweight. I don't get what he sees in her, but I figured it out and pondered the same thing you've pondered. (well, she does have a cute face - but that's about it).

 

I have an explanation and think I "figured it out" thanks to my fav podcaster. Some men have had dominant mothers. And, they fear getting involved with a woman who will have that "power" over them. So, they seek out women that don't really have a "hold" on them.

 

That is the case with the guy I am talking about. His wife - who could pass for his mother (not his actual mother) is "comfortable" for him. She doesn't "intimidate" him so he doesn't feel she can "dominate" him like his mother did. In other words, he's "lukewarm" about her.

 

Me, on the other hand, I can light his fire...and he's scared of that. He's afraid that if he lets me in, I will "control" him like his mommy...He also fears he may not measure up to me.

 

But, in a weird way, he craves a dominant woman...sexually he gets turned on by a woman who is in control of him in the bedroom.

 

I don't know...it's been a year now. We almost had sex once, but all he does is obsessively stare at me and other stuff that irks at me...sometimes I wanna just give him the finger.

 

It's frustrating for me, cuz, it's like sometimes I just want him to cross that line and come to me...when I see him with her, it upsets me cuz while I've been the OW in different situations, at least I was getting sex and/or attention from the MM.

 

In this case, he doesn't even want me in the same feet length...When he sees me, he runs away and other weird stuff. Like if he sees I like a particular perfume, he'll go buy it for her and I'm like WTF? Buy it for "me" - not her.

 

I feel bad for him at times, cuz sometimes I have empathy for his internal conflict. I mean, I have intimacy issues - I know what it is like to fear getting close to people. Also, I do not want to have kids and the whole "white picket fence thing" - so, while I don't care for his wife...thing is, I think marriage and kids are good for men. It calms them down and gives them purpose/direction.

 

But, at the same time - I believe if he and I could have a "mutually beneficial" situation where he and I get our "needs" met and go back to our lives - undisturbed.

 

So, I'm frustrated cuz I want him and sick of him just "staring" and not acting. But, at the same time, I wouldn't want him to lose what he has cuz while I could cook for him, rock his world in the bedroom, be "his" (not sleep around on him - I mean, I am a one-man woman) and then some - I can't give him what probably would be good for him in the long run (companionship and children). I mean, great sex and good times only goes so far.

 

Eh, but I have my days I think he's just gaslighting me and enjoys attention from me to get an "ego boost"...and, that has got me to the point where at times I get disgusted of him cuz who wants to be made a fool of? But really, I think it's the "latter" - which is he probably has intimacy issues like I do. Regardless, I gotta move on...But, I am and have been looking at other prospects, just none have gotten my "full" attention yet

 

Sorry for the rant - but I've been on LS for a minute and dreamoftigers' post hit home for my current situation.

 

For the OP, look, before you start having kids and all that - I recommend you sit down with your husband and have him come clean with what's going on. I mean, in the case of my MM, I think his wife could care less. I mean, they barely spend time together - they are like ships passing in the night and maybe she also has "issues" why she's ok with a set-up like that (or is too naive to figure out she's not gonna stand for 20 years of that).

 

But, in your case, it "is" an issue for you and IMO, better to nip it in the butt now instead of a few years and kids down the line. I had a woman call into my fav podcaster who married a guy knowing he had intimacy issues cuz she had them too, but two kids and a couple of years later - she wants more out of a marriage and family life....don't be that woman.

 

Good luck...

[Gloria25]

Yes, he uses porn. I am hesitant to "get him to stop spanking" because who the hell am I to tell him not to masturbate? But, the truth is I suspect it's an addiction for all the reasons you posited above. The alpha and beta info along with the porn overindulgence fits the bill. I hate this . . .

 

If the porn is taking the place of sex between you and him - then it "IS" a problem.

 

Sorry, I do not blame the porn...I also do not believe in addictions.

 

Porn is the symptom...there's something driving him to rely on the porn - just like most addictions. Like people who drink excessively and/or do drugs. They are doing it to numb themselves. I remember watching the movie "Ray". I had no idea Ray Charles had an addiction to smack and he had carried the guilt of his little brother drowning with him for years. He took drugs to "forget" and numb himself....Geesh, couldn't he just go to a good therapist to get him to realize it wasn't is fault? But no, taking the drugs is an easier escape.

 

Same thing with your husband. Porn is like fast food. It is quick it is easy. You get in, you get out. You get off w/o having to worry about intimacy and/or performance issues.

 

I have intimacy issues and haven't had sex with a person for over two years now. I have been under a lot of stress and am trying to get back into the dating game. But porn has kinda made me lazy about it you know. I get off from the porn and am like "eh, f-trying to find a guy, I just got off".